Most of the beliefs that we hold about who we are, how people treat us and how life works came from guesses we made in childhood. We watched people as they interacted with each other (and us), their body language, facial expressions, shifts in mood/energy, etc. and made decisions about the causes of each effect.
These meanings we defined in childhood are often the same rules we use as we navigate life as adults. Unless we’ve received new information that completely obliterates the old beliefs, we’ll keep using those messages for life.
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!
Today, I was presented with an opportunity to shift one of my old beliefs, by simply going back into a business to let them know they got my order wrong. And I was scared. I expected the worst. I expected… my past experiences (both personal and observed). And even though it was scary, and I thought it might not go well, I built up my nerve.
When you spend your whole life people pleasing, trying not to be a burden, and doing all you can to keep everyone happy with you, something as simple as going back into the coffee shop when they messed up your order can feel really scary.
At my grown age I was so nervous, anticipating a sigh, or an eye roll, or unnecessary questioning about why I felt it was not good enough. However, none of that happened. She met me with a smile. It never left her face. And she offered to make it over before I even fully gave her my prepared worthiness speech. 🥰
She was so pleasant. And then when she brought my drink, she asked me if I wanted to try it before I left to ensure that she did it to my liking. And she said that with, no snark, nothing but kindness. 😌
Of course, to you this may be the bare minimum expectation. She’s just doing her job. But for me, someone who has been mistreated and bullied for speaking up when people wronged me or others (especially in my formative years), doing a simple thing like this and experiencing kindness can feel like a huge triumph. 🥰🏆
I shared the story on Facebook right as it happened. And by the time I got my car I realized that there’s more to say. So I recorded today’s podcast about the impact parents caregivers and people of influence have on children’s perception of themselves, what they deserve, how other people will treat them, etc.
Your family, that inner circle, is your first and most powerful example of what to expect from others. And in my environment I received very strong messages about my worthiness, about my rights, about what people were and were not willing to do for me, and about audacity. I learned what requests weren’t even worth making. And whether I realized it or not, those messages have influenced every relationship I’ve had since.
There’s so much to say, but I don’t want to make this any longer. Please check out today’s podcast above. If it resonates, please like, comment, or share. Thank you
I get why you’re frustrated. Teens (and tweens) can be moody, distant, irresponsible, and even rude at times. Some of that is hormonal and a lot of it is internal. They can be a lot. And that can be hard on us parents. Let me try to help.
This was my Facebook post yesterday. Don’t feel judged. Let me explain.
We already know your side. (Big hugs because it can be ROUGH.) And I want to help you understand their side, so you can navigate this stage with more grace and understanding.
Pleasetry not to be offended. I’m here to help, not judge. I had to learn this stuff to develop a better relationship with my teen daughter. And our relationship is awesome.
From parents to teachers, the issue I always hear is that the kids don’t want to talk (when they’re expected to) and that they’ve got attitude problems. But from my observation, parents and educators typically (unintentionally) create a combative atmosphere. Then, when they decide to try and have calm convos, they wonder why teens/tweens don’t want to talk to them. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to talk to you either.
One major shift is accepting this truth. Most of the times, they aren’t even thinking about you. What you interpret as an attitude typically has nothing to do with you. They’re dealing with social stuff, future fears, school pressure.
So when you come interrupting their few minutes/hours of peace, pushing them to talk about their day that they are happy is over, angry about what they did/didn’t do, fussing about chores and what-have-you, it’s irritating. So when you make it personal (“I’m trying to talk to you and you’ve always got an attitude”), it’s frustrating.
What if they don’t have an attitude? What if they’re just having a bad day, week, month, semester, school year? What if they’re not being rude, they’re sad, lonely, overwhelmed, feeling left out, unattractive, or disappointed in themselves? What if they’re not blowing off school, but are trying really hard to understand, but can’t and they’re dealing with feelings of inadequacy? What if they have no real friends? What if they’re afraid because college and adulthood are around the corner and it’s all happening too fast? What if it’s not about you?
Most of the time when teens are in their room, not wanting to talk, it’s more about what’s going on within them, and the whole life they have outside of you (at school, with their peers, at work if they’re at that age). Their room is their oasis from all the noise they have to navigate in a day. It’s their rest place from all the tough stuff they deal with. And, yes, they have tough stuff to deal with.
Important sidebar: Challenges don’t start in adulthood. At EVERY stage of development there are challenges and growth opportunities that are uncomfortable. Just because those challenges are small to us doesn’t make them small to them. A baby learning to crawl is not a small task. That’s a challenging task for that stage of development. Learning to walk, being potty trained, being away from parents at daycare/school, learning to hold a pencil and write, learning multiplication, writing essays, navigating peer groups, making friends, dealing with: loneliness, mean kids, mean teachers, etc. and so much more are all valid significant challenges for their stage of development.
Adults can be so self-centered and insensitive as we forget what it was like for us at that age and what it felt like to have those challenges. We lack empathy. We look at everything through the lens of our current age and obstacles. But it doesn’t work that way. When we were their age things that are silly to us now were life and death. We didn’t know how we’d survive embarrassment, isolation, etc. Some of us still hate people from high school, still remember life-shifting moments there. It was significant for us. And they’ve got stuff that’s significant for them, too.
We can’t compare our current challenges to theirs. We’re at a different stage, with our own challenges. And so are they. So let’s stop making it about us, and get curious and compassionate about where THEY are so we can rebuild our relationships through understanding and love.
Okay, let’s get back to it…
After a long day of work, do you want somebody bothering you with more stuff to do? Or do you want to enjoy your time away from work? They are in school nearly 8 hours. And for a lot of them it’s not fun. School is work for them. Navigating social standing and friendships and attraction and connections is work for them. Fitting in and finding friends who accept them is work for them. Navigating toxic ass narcissistic educators and bullies, that’s work for them.
When they get home, they want the freedom to retreat from work. They want silence (from work requests) and respite (whether relaxation, playing, laughing, talking to friends, watching a show, scrolling, sleeping, etc.). The expectation they should be jumping for joy when you say take out the trash, or clean your room, after a full day of work is just insensitive, uncompassionate, and honestly not rooted in love.
And I’m not saying they shouldn’t have chores or be responsible for cleaning up after themselves. AND it’s important to note that symptoms of depression and burnout often look very similar to laziness and a lack of care. So despite your frustration, getting angry and yelling about it might not be the most effective approach.
It’s still possible to get what you want (the trash taken out or the room cleaned), without the argument or nagging. But it starts with changing YOUR tone, and fixing YOUR face, before expecting them to do so.
Putting love in front of all your interactions is key. As obvious as their intentions may be, create a new habit to assume the best not the worst. Instead of being certain they blow off chores because they don’t respect you, or that they’re just nasty and don’t care about being a supportive member of the family, assume the best. Think “What if they do really care about me/us, but something else is going on? What if this is my opportunity to either get closer to them, or push them away?” “What if they are depressed and my words in this moment can show them they are loved, or push them toward a bad decision?” Maybe that’s scary, but I honestly believe most teens (post-pandemic) are right on the verge of depression, or already in it. We have to be mature in how we engage with them. A lot of them are on the edge. So let’s approach them from a place of love. For example…
Notice the difference…
“You’re always on your phone/that game every time I come in here. Your room is a mess. It’s clear you don’t care. You don’t respect me and you don’t respect yourself. Get this room cleaned up, now!”
“Hey. You been okay? I noticed your room and you’ve been kinda distant. I know school can be a lot and maybe you’ve got things going on that I don’t know about. I’m here if you ever need to talk. Oh, and I put some extra garbage bags and cleaning supplies outside your door so you can get your room cleaned up. Sometimes being in a clean space can help. Love you.”
Which teen is likely to start cleaning up? Which one is likely to become more distant?
When they hit the teen years, our interactions become more like boss and employee. Nobody wants to work for a boss that’s inconsiderate and yelling all the time, or one that clearly has no idea who we really are. No one wants to tell their mean boss about that their social life. And so on. If you want a good relationship with your teen/tween, you’ve gotta act more like that one supervisor you actually liked.
Sometimes we say and think things about our children that hurts their feelings. When we come at our kids with so much certainty about their negative motives and intentions, rather than be curious, and assume the best, we erode the foundation of our relationship. Our mistrust and hurtful assumptions cause them to distance themselves from us.
We can shift our relationship with our teen by remembering that every stage has its challenges. We can choose to catch ourselves and pivot away from assuming their behavior is about us (or due to whatever we normally expect is the reason). We can remember that their behavior is likely related to a challenge they are dealing with at this developmental stage. And by doing so we can approach them with love and empathy and even a healthy curiosity.
When we lead with love, remember they are dealing with their own challenges, and assume the best we create opportunities to have better relationships with our teens. It’s not on them. It starts with us.
Blesssings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
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Today, I realized that my greatest survival skill is the thing that’s making my survival very challenging.
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings! UPDATE: When I first posted I added the wrong audio, because I was way too tired. Here’s the correct one.
Neurodivergent masking is so common, but what if pretending you’re not struggling causes people to assume you don’t need help? Imagine a person living with blindness had developed a skill to appear as if they aren’t blind. Maybe a parent taught them to so that people wouldn’t take advantage of them. They’re so good at doing things as if they can see that people can’t tell that they’re actually blind. Now, imagine they always take the elevator in their work building, but it’s not working today, so they need to take the stairs. They’ve never needed the stairs before, so they don’t know the route. The doorman, clerk, co-workers, etc. see them walk easily to the elevator everyday. So they say, “No,” when the person asks for help. They don’t know the route. They need the help, but no one can see that they really need support.
That’s what my successes and what I’ve done/created has done for me. People see all I’ve done and assume that I am struggling because I’m just not trying hard enough. And the reality is that I’m drowning, asking for help, and not receiving it. I’m waving from the center of the ocean and everyone’s on the shore waving back, not realizing I am out here fighting for my life.
I could say more here, but then the podcast would be pointless, so I’ll just say please press play.
Oh… and random funny ADHD side note: Somewhere in this podcast I totally started making a point, took an offramp, and never finished the thought. 😂 The fact that I’m talking about the symptoms of ADHD when it happened makes it even funnier. If you find it, comment found it, and I’ll circle back and complete the thought in the comments.
Can’t say I was happy with that, but it made sense. As much as I hate all I go through, without it I couldn’t relate it tell stores that help people heal, find their own path, and recognize their own journey.
I feel I have purpose and much of that purpose has been birthed out of these low moments….
I have helped more people because of my relatability. My ability to even know what to say to comfort someone is due to my low moments.
I think of all the people Mychal the Librarian is helping by merely being honest about his struggles with mental health. People are being more honest now about struggles they’ve been dealing with quietly in the shadows. People who had no idea what to do are receiving ideas on how to deal with what’s been going on with them. The shame that I’ve was therapy (seeing a therapist) is now normalized in conversation.
Simone Biles choosing on a grand stage that she was stepping away from the Olympics for her safety had the United States in an uproar, as people called her weak and wrong for shirking her responsibilities, while others applauded her for her bravery to do what was in her best interests despite the pressure. So many, now, have her as a reference when they know they need to take time off but are tempted to risk their health and press through.
Jenifer Lewis, one of my favorite actors, who’s been in the business for decades was one of the first celebrities to be open and honest about her diagnoses and struggles with her own mental health and the importance of going to therapy. As a Black woman, well known in our community for the numerous important roles she’s played, her voice mattered. In Black communities therapy was not a welcomed topic. We have a long history of being taken advantage of, harmed, and misused by the medical community. That alone, not to mention the cost of therapy was enough to let us be okay suffering in silence. We’d learned to not trust them and fear therapy. Her voice is a powerful and trusted one. If Jenifer Lewis is saying she goes and it’s okay, maybe it’s safe and worth a try.
I share my stories, experiences, and insights I gain along the way because I believe there is value in our testimonies. I believe we are here for each other. And it’s worth it to me to be vulnerable and share my personal business if it can help you navigate life with more clarity.
Many years ago when I attended church my pastor said words that’s really stuck with me. He said, “God lives you too much to let you go through for no reason.” I held on to that, even as my views on religion have evolved. I still choose to believe that what I do through has purpose. And if I can find value in my ear maybe, just maybe, it can help bring you some peace.
I’ll double back later to fix typos. Than you for being here.
