Sometimes people will try to convince you that you owe them your time, attention, and energy. Unless it’s your kids (and they’re at an age where you’re responsible for them) and I guess your spouse (I don’t know nothin’ about that, lol), people earn the right to your time, attention, and energy. If they have proven to be wasters of the above, remember it’s your choice to engage or not.
I am so grateful that I remembered, this morning, that I decided YEARS ago that I “give my energy where I get it back.”
I give my energy and focus to those who I appreciate and who appreciate me, who I love and who love me, who I pour into and who pour into me.
I am so done investing my time, focus, and energy into people and things that don’t bring me joy. I don’t care who you are. If my primary feeling regarding you is low vibe, we’re not aligned, and there’s the door. Now, that’s freeing.
Maybe you need to do a little spring cleaning. Check your feelings. If you can’t resolve it, you might need to remove it. Just sayin’. Don’t take my word for it. Meditate on it. See what you come up with.
Do you lie to yourself? I do. I just realized that throughout my day, thoughts come to me that I know are not true, and I accept them anyway.
This morning, I was working on a fun design. I was writing “self-compassion” in bubble letters in my journal. This simple act, gave me a huge epiphany….
I was working my way through the letters, “C-O-M-P-A….” and I came to the first “s.” Immediately, my thoughts started in with the warning. “Oh no. You know the “s” is the hard one. You’re gonna mess this up….” Normally, I would overthink it, panic a little too much and end up wanting to rip out the page and ball the whole thing up. AND that’s not what happened.
This time, I heard that warning, that critical voice, and simultaneously had a memory of myself in my third grade classroom, helping one of my favorite teachers cut out letters for her bulletin board. I traced and cut out letters for her every month, and sometimes when letters were missing I would have to draw them freehand. I remembered that I learned as a kid how to make a perfect letter “s.” So instead of giving in to the defeating thought, I combatted it with, “I’ve done this a million times. And I can probably do a better job if I stop telling myself I’m gonna suck at it.” And for the first time ever (well since 3rd grade), I made a perfect “s!” It wasn’t all wonky at the top, and weird in the middle, like the one in “S-E-L-F.” It came out perfectly.
I finished writing “S-S-I-O-N,” and began journaling affirmations about self-compassion, worthiness, and blessings. As I wrote, “Blessings are always available to answer…, “a corrective thought interrupted with the words, “enter my design.” I was about to write, “… my prayers,” but I felt, intuitively, that I was to omit “answer” and change the phrase to “Blessings are always available to enter my design.”
I had never thought of it that way before, that my prayers are designs—blueprints for my life experiences. As I thought about my core belief, that I am co-creating my experiences, I realized that it makes sense that blessings are all around me and that my thoughts are impacting what I allow into my design of my ideal experiences.
That’s when I thought about my experience with the letter “s.” I had a vision of writing my title in perfect bubble letters, but my internal conversation nearly impacted the outcome. And if I have internal conversations about simple things like bubble letters, I am likely having internal conversations about other things throughout my day. All day, I am adding and rejecting blessings that I want in my vision. Chances are you are doing it, too.
It can be as simple as the thought, “I really want to grab Starbucks before work.” (That’s the envisioned design.) However, if upon approaching Starbucks the thought, “The last time I was here the barista was rude,” crosses our mind, some internal decision making is likely to come next. “I wonder if they are working today? Do I feel like dealing with a rude barista today? How long is the line? What if they’re out of…..?” And so on. Before we know it, we have pushed our vision of walking into work with delicious Starbucks to the background. Based on where we choose to focus our attention, we will either choose to allow our vision to unfold, or reject it. (This is just an example. You may hate Starbucks, but I think you get the point.)
Throughout our days, with our thoughts, we make decisions about what gets to be a part of our lives. Whether we’re ignoring an urge to get up and have a drink of water, hopping in the car to remove a “to-do” from our list, or not following up because we assume we didn’t get the job, we are constantly making individual choices in our thoughts that impact the outcomes we design. These little decisions throughout our days, weeks, months, and years add up and impact our general satisfaction with our lives.
I decided, seconds ago, to be a little more intentional about choosing thoughts that align with the visions I design. I get to pay more attention to the micro-decisions that help me allow more of what I want into the moments of my life. With these small decisions I get to increase my life’s satisfaction.
If you’re like me, maybe you could use more satisfaction in your life. Maybe this small practice is worth considering.
So how do you do it? Well, one way is when you start to talk yourself out of what you want, take a step back and notice the thoughts you are focused on. Then remember your vision. Is it possible that there is an alternate perspective you can also consider?
You can ask yourself questions like:
“What if it works out?”
“Is it possible that I am more capable than I think?”
“What if I catch on quickly?”
“What if it goes really well?”
“What if they are impressed?”
– “What if this a really great experience?”
– “What if I take the pressure off and just do my best?”
– “What if I just look at this as a learning experience?”
– “What if they’re having a bad day?”
– “What if this is the best date ever?”
– “What if I’ll be fine either way?”
– “Will I enjoy this more if I do it now or later today?”
– “What if it’ll be over before I know it?”
– “How good will I feel knowing this is done?”
– “What if I just work on it for 15 minutes?”
– “Maybe I could I call ahead and tell them __________?”
When we ask ourselves more empowering questions, we are able to shift our thoughts from negative expectations to positive. We are more likely to allow in our blessings than to talk ourselves out of them.
I hope you find this list helpful. I know I see a few I intend to employ. Don’t be surprised if this ends up in my upcoming book, “You’re Being Catfished.”
So I was doing some journaling and I discovered something that may help you, or someone you know, overcome bitterness, resentment, and confusion from a past relationship.
Sometimes even though we’ve moved on, it can still be hard to fully overcome a past relationship, when we have unresolved questions.
I haven’t been in a relationship in a minute, so it was unexpected when I was led to do some deep journaling yesterday about a relationship from my past. The last sentence of my journal entry was so healing, I had to share it…..
“I didn’t hear him… because his lies were so believable that I couldn’t hear his truth.” (The full line will be in my memoir. It’s . But this excerpt will be enough to make my point.)
Okay, so what I discovered, yesterday, is that a lot of us have not fully healed from: things someone did to us, past breakups, or friendships that ended dramatically, because the end didn’t make sense based on what we believed to be true.
Yesterday, I heard something random that caused me to rethink one of my past relationships. For the first time ever, I evaluated the events of that relationship based on the truth and not the lies….
Sometimes in relationships, people tell us what we want to hear. (Sometimes we do it, too.) In an awkward moment, a choice is made to not be honest.
Something within us told us that things were off, and we may have actually confronted the person, but they told us what they thought would keep the peace. Sometimes it was to straight up deceive us, and other times maybe they were caught off guard and hadn’t quite figured out what they wanted or how to articulate it.
Those little moments of deception, caused us to ignore our instincts, and to think, “Oh, okay. I guess I was just tripping. Everything’s fine.” So we discard those moments of intuition.
So here’s my moment of clarity… here’s where it switched for me….
A memory was triggered that caused me to remember the facts of what occurred in a past relationship. Instead of thinking about all they told me, I just evaluated the facts the same way I would if a girlfriend was telling me her story. I took myself out of it, and looked at what I really saw and heard, and looked at it clearly. And you know what I found? I found the truth. And, I found compassion.
I actually saw the other person’s point of view. When I looked at it without their lies, without their moments of telling me what I wanted to to hear. I realized that they were out the door L O N G before the relationship ended, but I didn’t notice because they kept telling me that what I saw was not what I saw, and I believed them.
I looked back on other relationships—friendships included—that ended abruptly, or in unexpected misunderstandings. When I took away all the fillers, all the “No, I’m just tired,” the “It’s just been a tough day at work,” the “You know you’re my girl,” type responses that made me think things were okay, I realized those relationships were heading toward completion long before we said our final goodbyes.
….Now, I’m not sharing this to say, if things feel off, you should end your relationships and friendships, now. That is NOT the takeaway from this.
What I am saying is that if you have a past relationship that ended in a way that still stings, it’s possible that you may find some healing by seeing things clearly.
When I looked at that situation through the truth, I was able to empathize with the person. I could see how uncomfortable it must’ve been to be done but not want to hurt the other person. Whether they were right or wrong for handling things as they did, is not important in this moment. It just felt good to understand. It felt good to see things clearly….
Some people don’t like diamonds, but that doesn’t make them worth any less.
You may have people in your life who don’t see the value that you know you have. Do not let them confuse you on who you are. Continue to believe in yourself. Continue to listen to positive feedback that aligns with what you truly believe about yourself.
You know one way to be certain that you know your true value? It’s the way it makes you feel when people tell you otherwise. If you agreed with them, it wouldn’t hurt. If you agreed, at the deepest core level, it wouldn’t offend you. Deep within you know the truth about yourself. Even if you are currently in a state that is not reflective of your truest self—like a diamond ring stuck in a muddy trench—you are still valuable.
Do not let anyone convince you that you are less than you TRULY are. Continue to restore yourself back to the truth that you know is the real you.
Sometimes family and friends can have good intentions, but a horrible delivery. They think that “shooting from the hip” and giving you the “raw truth” about their opinions is the best way to encourage you. I can say from what I’ve observed, and experienced, that is one of the absolute WORST ways to support and encourage somebody.
If a person is already down, the ones who love them are not supposed to throw in a few punches and kicks and think that will help them to get up. Even honesty can be delivered in love.
If you are in a state where you’ve been beaten down by life, loved ones, bosses, exes, etc., please know that their evaluation of your worth is their opinion. You can choose to reject their appraisal. You can remember who you truly are.
Never let a temporary state—no matter how long it’s lasted—convince you that you are worth less. If you are here, you have value. Deep within there is a knowing that you are worth more than they say, more than they told you, more than you overheard.
Give yourself permission to turn down the volume on those words that have stung. Give yourself permission to turn up the volume on the truth that lies within. You are valuable. You are worthy. You are worth it. Anything that contradicts those truths is the lie.
You are a diamond. Don’t let anyone devalue your worth.