Living with ADHD without love is hard. I’m not talking about an intimate relationship. I’m talking about having loving, kind, caring support when life for you is really hard. And to be clear, I’m also not saying on tough days. All the days are tough… for me. So to have been on this earth for over 17,000 tough days, with very little to no help for most of them, is… tough.
Today, I was driving home and at the biggest light, on the busiest street, at the busiest time of day, my car began to violently shake. And immediately the terror stored from all the past moments when my previous old cars, that I also couldn’t afford to replace, began to shake violently, while in this kind of heat, sitting at a big light, with this many cars at a long light (or in a packed drive thru line), came rushing back to me. And I began to say, “No no no. Not now. Not now! Change. Change! Turn green. Turn green!!!” And I began to pat my thigh to calm myself. And I began to slow my breathing down and whisper to myself, with shaky breath, (as if I was speaking to a small child who just woke from a nightmare), “All is well. All is well. It’s gonna be okay. All is well.” And the light changed green. And I thought, “Okay, we survived the light, everything’s gonna be alright. I’m only 5 cars back. I definitely can make this and then I’m okay.” And then car number 3 started a conversation with the guy in the suit, selling the bean pies, and we all stopped moving forward And I began to panic again. My rage started to waft back up. And I hit my horn. A little more than a quick toot. And the Final Call guy looked back at us, and driver number 3 rolled forward just a little as a reflex, and then stopped again to keep talking. And I hit my horn again a little longer this time. (I didn’t want to be rude. I understood. I’ve delayed the line a bit to give a dollar to a person with a sign. But my car was trying to die. I needed them to keep it moving.) Suit guy looked back again, and car number three rolled forward a bit and stopped again. And kept talking! And I lost it. I laid on my horn…… until they got the message and the peer pressure got them to roll those tires and keep rolling. And I made it through that light, and the next. And I was so relieved, because I knew I’d be okay, because I’d take the side streets the rest of the way. No lights. Just stop signs. And I’d get home safe.
And as I neared the intersection to turn toward my house, I thought “I should stop and get gas. Maybe that’s why the car nearly died.” And immediately my mind rolled back the tape of what just happened, and warned me that I’d have to go through the same thing again to get to the gas station. And that terror was so overwhelming that immediately turned to go home.
And I was angry, because I knew it was more responsible to go and get gas. And then I thought that I need to get home and check my cars fluids, because it could be something else. And then I was angry because there’s always something else. I have no help. I am the answer to everything that needs to be done.
And I thought of how I made it to the finish line of another school year and couldn’t even rest because there’s a big birthday being planned. And I thought of all I’d been through the last day (the trip to urgent care), the last week (the storm and the power outage), the last month (all kinds of drama and meetings and appointments), the last six months (losing my dearest friend when I was already depressed). And I said to no one, “I need a break. I just need it to stop. I need it to stop! I JUST NEED IT TO STOPPPPPPP!!!!!!”
It’s hard as f*ck to go through life without support. It’s hard as f*ck to go through sh*t storm after sh*t storm without companionship. Single parenting without a community is hard. Being f*cking celibate is hard. But when you have nothing left, how do you even find community, companionship, support?
I’m tired. When do I get a break? This constant bullshit*t, this constant hard, the constant tough days with no loving, caring support…. It’s just… tough. And I’ve been navigating tough primarily solo for over 17,000 days….
You could stop reading here, if you want. I fully vented. Thank you for reading. AND if you have it in you, I also wrote this…
What I needed…. well, wish I had…
I wish someone saw how hard it was for me… the process… rather than how behind I was/am…. the results. All my life I’ve been judged by my output, but no one took the time to look at the struggle. No one saw that I worked 10 times as hard to still fail at completing a task. No one thought that there could be a reason why I kept making the same mistakes, they just got irritated… every time. Nobody saw the patterns and thought, “I wonder if this is normal.” No one thought, “This is something she consistently struggles with, maybe she needs help.”
Instead, they said, “She’s lazy. She’s not trying. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She just doesn’t have any ambition,” and other hurtful things like that. Everyone assumed the worst… that I didn’t care and didn’t try. So they didn’t help. They felt I was capable and choosing not to do more. They had no idea how hard I have always been pushing and how exhausting that is. I needed someone to see me and help me. But all I got was labeled and criticized.
Have I received any assistance in my lifetime?
Absolutely. And I am grateful. The loving, caring kind has been very rare. But the kind that makes you feel like sh*t for needing it, oh yeah. I’ve definitely received that. I’ve had to give up what felt like my last shred of dignity and pride more times than I can count. Because when you need a dollar, whether they hand it to you nicely or crumple it up and throw it, it still spends. I’ve received plenty of help that felt like a thrown, crumpled dollar. “Here. Take this $20. I know your little job ain’t paying that much.” “I’m gonna help you, but this is the last time.” “You ought to be a shamed of yourself. You have a master’s degree.”
My whole life I’ve had people who grudgingly helped me when things got so bad that I had no choice but ask. And I am a person that would sooner starve than ask. There was a season where I lost a noticeable and concerning amount of weight. But rather than send a surprise monetary gift or ask if I was okay, the people in my life discussed my weight loss behind my back. And it wasn’t until years later in conversation that found out they all noticed. I went away to school and never received care packages or a surprise card with cash in it. If I didn’t ask, nothing was voluntarily given. I was on my own. I’ve always been on my own.
And to be honest, the more struggles I’ve had to go though and figure out solo, the more I’ve had to carry myself without loving, caring support, and truly the more I reflect on it all with adult eyes and see how really f*cked up, and underserved it is, the more tired I feel.
I deserved so much better. And just like I did in traffic, just like I did through childhood, the teen years, college, and now through single parenting, I am still talking myself through it, being my own support system, patting my own thigh and saying, “All is well.”
Again, thanks for reading.
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 