Kinda random, but this was on my mind so I thought I’d share it.
There are a lot of things that society views as signs of disrespect or shadiness that actually sometimes are due to other challenges.
Examples:
– People will assume a person is lying because they don’t make eye contact. But many neurodivergent people find eye contact uncomfortable.
– Being late is another thing that people consider a sign of disrespect and a lack of care regarding other people’s time. But people who deal with social anxiety and challenges like ADHD can often be late due to overthinking, inaccurate planning, time blindness, and other things that are actually outside of their control, or require management, practice, and awareness that they may not have.
– Your friend that isn’t returning your calls might be depressed.
When we make assumptions about people’s intentions, without assuming the best of them first, we offend ourselves and create distance in our relationships. Of course sometimes people are actually being shady or dishonest, but that is not always the case.
Not everyone is disrespecting you. They might just be dealing with their own stuff and sometimes they might not even be aware of what they’re dealing with.
That’s why compassion matters. You may be mad at someone, because of the assumptions you’re making about them. But what if you’re wrong? Often when people voice their negative assumptions, the person does not contradict them. They just let them believe the worst. Because they didn’t argue, it’s assumed that the assumptions were right. But often that’s not the case.
Someone told me a story they’ve been believing about me, that they heard from someone I don’t even speak to anymore. At first I started to defend myself. Then I thought about it. If that’s what they think of me, that they would believe that lie, then they can continue to believe that. The fact that they believed it tells me more about where we stand than anything. I told them go ahead and believe it….
Choose to assume the best of those who have not intentionally hurt you before. If the person has been consistently inconsistent in their behavior and their words and actions don’t match up, or they’ve shown or expressed that they don’t care, that’s different. Move accordingly. However, if they seem to love you and have shown that they care, but they showed up late to your birthday party, don’t take that to mean they don’t care about you.
Don’t assume that you know why they did/didn’t do what you expected. Ask them. And do so in a way that doesn’t put them on the defensive. Just so you know, asking a question that begins with, “Why” puts automatically puts people on the defensive. In order to answer it, they have to defend their choice. This tends to cause conversations to go really badly. However simply changing to a “What” question creates an opportunity for calm, respectful dialogue. (Well, unless your question is, “What the hell were you thinking?” 😂
Let me show you examples.
“Why didn’t you care enough about me to show up on time for our date?” vs
“What happened? I thought we were meeting at 8.”
“Why do I always have to be the one to initiate conversations lately. You can’t call me?”
“What’s been going on lately? I haven’t heard from you.”
“Why can’t you look me in the eye? You’re lying aren’t you?”
“What would make you feel more comfortable with this conversation? You seem distracted. Am I wrong?”
By asking “What” questions instead of “Why” questions, we leave room for possible conversations and understanding we didn’t anticipate. Maybe they were late because they had a blowout on the way, and did their best to change the tire and still arrive. Or maybe they received bad news or a phone call that even you would have made time for, and they were driving so they couldn’t shoot you a text to say they were running late. Maybe your friend received a diagnosis or lost their job and they needed a minute to process things solo before telling anyone. If you come out the gate angry, you could lose a friendship, or hurt someone you care about who is already hurting.
Let’s make a habit of assuming the best of those who we choose to have in our lives. If the worst is their typical behavior, then we might have some other questions to ask ourselves. (And if it’s your child, that’s a whole different story that my course, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship, addresses.)
But when we’re dealing with the good people we’ve chosen to keep in our lives, we can choose to assume the best of them. When moments of annoyance come up, we can think to ourselves, “Since I’m assuming that they care about me/respect my time, I wonder what else could have happened/be going on.” And then we can ask them. Because maybe the reason is something we never considered and when we don’t assume the worst, we open opportunities for the truth to come out. And let me tell you from experience, it’s often not what you thought.
One of the greatest gifts I gave my relationship with my daughter was to start asking, “What were you trying to do?” rather than an angry, “Why would you do that?!” Most of the time her reason was actually rooted in good intentions.
As a neurodivergent human, I have been on the other end of those hurtful assumptions and “Why” questions far too many times. I’ve been mistreated and judged wrongfully my whole life, but I’ve always been a person with good intentions.
Few things hurt more than when I arrive late to an event, or to meet up with someone, and I’m met with anger, annoyance, and hurtful judgements about being inconsiderate, saying that I don’t care, that I don’t respect their time. If I’ve fought through all kinds of stuff to show up and the first thing the person says is a sarcastic, “glad you finally decided to show up,” it’s so deflating. I deal with social anxiety, outrageously crippling levels of overthinking, and I am already upset that I am late. I showed up because I knew it mattered to them for me to be there. And most times for me attending an event/being social in person is like climbing Everest, in stilettos, during a hail storm. I likely had been worrying since the day prior about getting there, being on time, etc. and the worrying instead of prepping (which is outside my control because of ADHD) is probably the reason I was late. I always intend to, and try really hard to be on time (or just to show up at all), so receiving all that negative energy after all it took for me to get there is so hurtful. It’s like making it to the top of Everest under those conditions and the first person you see says, “You’re late. You might as well of stayed home.”
If I show up late, or miss an event, it’s typically not personal. I honestly at this point in my life am more likely to not attend than to show up. If you have an event every weekend, every few months, etc., I’m not coming to all of those. You might get me to attend one and I’m gonna choose the biggest one. I just don’t have the capacity.
It has nothing to do with how much I love you. It’s really about how much I love me. I am no longer sacrificing my mental health so people think good of me. If you don’t already see me as good, and love me unconditionally, carry on.
And you get to hold the same boundaries. Stop giving all you have to prove you’re a good person. Let them believe what they want. The people who really love you, the way you deserve to be loved, don’t require you to constantly prove it. Or at least that’s what I believe.
Let’s stop assuming the worst of the ones we love. Let’s start asking questions. And let’s continue being kind to ourselves and those we care about.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 