You know so much of what we feel embarrassed about, guilty for, and shame regarding are things we need to revisit with the knowledge we now have as adults.

This morning, I sat reviewing the imagery that comes to mind when I think of money and relationships. Not the imagery like when your mind replays the scene of an argument. But the symbolism that comes to mind when I picture these concepts.

It’s not an exercise I’ve done before. Just an inspired idea that came to me and I went with it. The first image was regarding money. I pictured a bank vault (no money visible) with a drain in the center. Without going into the details, I’ll just say, I sat with myself and worked through all the symbolism and what it meant. And then I constructed a new visual.

I did the same with “relationship.” It was an interesting visual that came to mind with that one. Just me standing with a garden hose, trying to manage an intense, concentrated stream. And I was watering concrete and grass. The symbolism there was… well, interesting. And as I thought through it and the possible meanings, it tracked with my experience(s).

So enough about that. Might be a fun activity to do when you have some quiet time. Be sure to construct a new image that better supports your intentions. And let that be your go to imagery. Mine resulted in a beautiful affirmation…

“I am loved completely and fully. All my needs are met.”

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So after doing this exercise (first thing this morning), various memories floated up. Random moments that feel disconnected… memories that flash across my mind from time to time.

One memory is of my bed as a preteen. It was full of my clothes. A big mound of clothes was always on my bed. Whether dirty or clean, I can’t fully say. (But now that I think about it, my dirty clothes always went in the hamper. My personal items hand washed. So I guess my clothes on the bed were the items I searched through to find an outfit suitable for school that day (and from the days prior). 🤔

At night, I’d be so tired that rather than spend additional time sorting, folding/hanging up my clothes, I would just climb on top of the mound and go to sleep. Imagine my back arched like a rainbow over the mound, blanket on, eyes closed, snoring. 🤣

Each time that memory came back to me I’d have a few follow-up thoughts. One was of the incident that formed the memory. It was time for bed and my sister stood in the doorway asking about what I was going to do with all those clothes. She was probably teasing me for not being able to go to bed yet because I had all those clothes to put away. And I told her I wasn’t going to. I’d just sleep on top. She thought I was joking, ’til I climbed on top and literally went to sleep. 🤣 That’s the funny memory.

Another associated memory is just of the audio of my father saying that no man would ever want me, after seeing my messy room…. And now as I share this, I picture him standing in my doorway, shaking his head in disappointment, turning and leaving. I don’t know if the visual happened, but the words did. 😔

Not a pleasant memory. But I’ve got a point…. Wait. One more quick memory… It’s related…

So a story I heard way too many times when I was little (and they still tell it to this day, like just weeks ago), is how my babysitter’s husband took her back home to her parents and left her there. He told them to not send her back ’til she learned how to cook. 😱 (Keep in mind I’m saying baby sitter and they were old and watching me before I was in kindergarten. A different time.)

Okay, now that I’ve laid the foundation, let me tell you the (inner) healing that happened this morning….

So after I did the exercise of creating new imagery for love and money, these memories came up. And for the first time, when I pictured the messy bed, messy room stuff and heard my dad’s voice and my sister’s words, my mind didn’t immediately go to shame.

Usually, when I have those memories, they are followed by one of my messy apartment that I had with my fake husband (long story) and toddler. I picture the trash bags piling up in the kitchen (that he didn’t take out so they kept multiplying) and the laundry on the floor (that I was sorting to take downstairs to the laundry, but didn’t have enough money to put quarters in the machine because he was the only one working and never gave me money)….

This is really interesting. I’ve never remembered the story with the details I shared in parentheses. I completely blocked that out until now. Because I would immediately go into guilt and shame, and certainty that it was my fault that the marriage ended… That he left me… because my dad was right. No man would ever want me. I was a mess and that’s why he left…

But, today, after doing that inspired assignment, and coming to the new conclusion of this beautiful affirmation (“I am loved fully and completely.”), when the memories and the words came back to me, I immediately heard that affirmation. And instead of going into the memory of my ex, I thought of what I’ve learned about people with ADHD and executive dysfunction (see image below)… how common it is for us to fall behind on tasks like cleaning, and laundry, and dishes… how “normal” it is for us to run out of steam from doing the tasks we have to do (like go to work, feed the kids, take them to school, pick them up, make dinner, etc.), that the tasks we won’t get in trouble for… the ones that aren’t life and death… can go undone simply because we don’t have the threat to trigger the dopamine to push us to get those done, too….

I looked at all the memories (with my dad, my sister, and my ex) through different eyes and realized, I wasn’t bad, dirty, wrong. I was exhibiting a symptom, better yet a sign, of ADHD. I wasn’t going without cleaning, or putting things away because I was some nasty bih who doesn’t appreciate cleanliness and order. I was burned out from dealing with the immediate threats (school, a mean ass bullying other parent, taking care of a newly walking toddler, etc.). And I was mentally stuck because I needed help with my next step due to executive dysfunction and something I now know as “autism looping” (see info below).

After considering what I know now, that I didn’t know then, I had no reason to feel guilt, shame, or blame. I couldn’t complete those tasks because I didn’t have the capacity. My brain wouldn’t let me. I’m not naturally messy. I am a person who hates germs and is naturally organized. But because I was at capacity mentally, I couldn’t access those skills….

This morning, I began to look at memory after memory, where I was misunderstood and falsely assessed, and in each one I saw ADHD. People’s perceptions of me my whole life… ones I began to believe about myself… all turned out to be related to executive dysfunction…

I am not a ridiculously flawed mess that no one could ever love. I am a beautiful human who has some challenges that can be easily overcome with understanding, compassion, support, and unconditional love.

I am worthy of love. I get to be loved fully and completely, and so do you. 🥰

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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BTW, an important and necessary step, that I nearly missed, is to have this conversation with my inner child. To not just come to these conclusions and move on, but to ensure that I sit with her, explain my discoveries today, and apologize for believing what others taught me about myself, and to teach her the affirmation I learned today. It may sound odd (if you’re unfamiliar with inner child work), but it is real and necessary. So I’m going to post this quickly and then spend time with my inner child.

I have a post about inner child work that I’ll share below, if you’re curious.
👉🏾 Tap here to check out Inner Child Work Works

Thank you for being here. I hope you found this valuable. If you did, please like and consider subscribing to my blog. I talk about a whole lot of different topics, primarily centered around inner healing, self-acceptance, and learning to love ourselves. Oh, and it’s free. 🥰 Like & Subscribe today.

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Defining Some Terms

I used some terms that I was not always familiar with. Here’s some info I grabbed quickly from Google feel free to do a deeper dive if you want to learn more.

What is executive dysfuntion?

What is “autism looping?”

Side bar: I do not at present have an autism diagnosis. Through my constant research, self-study, and being in community with other neurodivergent humans I am becoming curious about a possible, more accurate, diagnosis of AuDHD (a simultaneous diagnosis of Autism and ADHD.) When I was assessed they were only assessing for anxiety disorders and ADHD. They were not looking for other possibilities. That is a different assessment.

I came across this term one day when I asked Google for information on why my thoughts get stuck loop and I can’t move on to the next task. I often don’t realize I’m doing it until hours later. The more that I am aware of it, the better I am getting at sometimes pulling myself out, by asking questions like, “What am I trying to do?” and “What is my next step?”

I thought these might prove helpful if you were uncertain what I was referring to. I hope this helps. This last section of definitions came as a result of doing my inner child exercise, so I’m glad I did.

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