This year, particularly the last few months and even this current week have been piles and piles of BS and pain and navigating illness and loss and situations where I had to confront people in positions of power … So much overlapping too muchness going on in my life and it has been really hard.
As someone who deals with anxiety, depression, sooizsidull ideation, etc., who is dealing with a debilitating processing disorder, and the scarcity that can be associated with not being able to maintain income because you’re mind works at limited capacity…. I have been in a really bad place on and off daily for months.
And I don’t mean just sad sometimes. I mean when was the last time I cut/washed my hair, showered, changed clothes? Walking around like a zombie just barely existing.
For the last few months I have just been doing what I have to do. I’ve got to take my daughter to school, I’ve got to make her breakfast, I’ve got to make her lunch, I’ve got to make her dinner I’ve got to go to the grocery store I’ve got to put gas in the car I’ve got to go to sleep eventually because I got to do it again tomorrow. And on some rare occasions I managed to write a blog, post a podcast, or share a post of my own.
One thing that is not something I would normally tell you, is that if you see me posting a lot.. and I mean posting other people’s content.. it is a sign that I am not doing well. I am pretty much in a zombie like State scrolling and posting because I don’t have enough mental, emotional, or even physical energy to create and post my own content.
Many days I did not want to be here anymore. Many times on many days that is a thought. But, just so you don’t have to worry, I am not unsafe. I am okay. I have been practicing gratitude and listening to good music and taking naps to reset myself multiple times per day.
If what’s going on around you, in you, or with those in your life is feeling too heavy, know you’re not alone.
One of the blessings in my life is that my mind is like an ongoing jukebox. Music is playing in my mind all the time, like I have my own life soundtrack. A couple days ago when I was feeling very give up-ish, this song came to me. I’m not even religious at this point in my life, but it was so encouraging. So I offer to this to you if you’ve been really struggling lately. Another one that encourages me when I’m down is William Becton’s “Be Encouraged” and Kirk Franklin’s “Smile.” Lately, I’ve been listening to Surfaces full Pacifico album because the vibe just gives “life is good” vacation feels. It calms me when life is being an absolute butt. Sending big hugs if you need one or many. 🫂
I never really felt “safe” to share all of this. I’ve done it in bits and pieces, but not this honest. But I care more about impact than image. So I hope this encourages you. I don’t have it all figured out and I am currently navigating what I’ve been calling gawd’s targeted (at me) diarrhea. SO please don’t let life take you under. I’m holding on with whatever my finger nails, gum, and prayers of humans and angels can offer. Please do the same. Love you!
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 