You have a right to be alive. Do you feel that? Honestly? No. I don’t belong here. From birth I’ve been messing up. I nearly killed my mother coming here. I should’ve never….
Well, I’m here now. So … I guess I’ll make the most of it.
It’s funny how the stories you’ve been told since childhood shape the way you view yourself. I had no idea that I was holding this belief that I have been fucked and fucking up since birth. That I don’t belong here. That my very existence is, and has been, a mistake. That I came into the world causing destruction, and no wonder I was treated as I was.
But what if I’m wrong?
What if my stumble into existence was a story of survival? Mother nearly dying in childbirth , lessening my chances of survival, but both of us survived. What if I rewrite our story as a survival story, a story of how essential we both were to this world that we both made it?
What if my existence was so essential that my birth was far from a mistake? What if the universe was so determined to not just have me show up, but also to ensure I was groomed for my place in this world by the best possible teacher?
What if I needed to learn the depths of what it feels like to have it drilled into you from birth that you’re not enough, not welcomed, an inconvenience, a probleme?
What if I am here to teach the unloved ones that they lied to you? What if I’m here to be the example that it is possible to climb out from the pile of negativity that’s been heaped onto us since childhood, and even birth? What if I came into this world, labeled the “bull in the china shop,” so that I can teach others (by example and through my voice) that we don’t have to wear the labels we’re offered. That we can take them off, one by one, once we realize we’re wearing them and they don’t belong to us? What if I begin to reframe all the messages I was taught about myself, until I truly and so deeply love myself that even the ones who labeled me can no longer get to me? What if I do the inner work and inner child work that allows me , with adult eyes, to retell my birth story? What if?
Well, it’s worth a try.
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
*** I didn’t want to interrupt the flow. But beginning to end was my morning journaling. This wasn’t just a blog post. This was me, my inner child, and my inner being/higher self moving me forward. I didn’t even remember that story I’ve been hearing told since I was a child… the story of how she lost so much blood delivering me that the nurses were surprised to see her the next morning. Parents really have no idea how the stories they tell will impact a child’s perception of themselves. This morning, I realized that this story has still been impacting me to this day… causing me to feel I don’t have a right to be… anywhere, that my mere presence is an inconvenience, that I don’t belong, that when I show up somebody loses. So I will sit with this awareness and pay attention to where the message shows up, and remind myself that… if nothing else, I showed up by invitation and the maintenance of her body was not my job, and it’s breakdown was not my fault. Just as I would not blame my daughter if I had the same experience in childbirth, I should not take on any blame for the mishaps that occurred during my entry into the world.
If you have some childhood stories that have been impacting you your whole life, maybe begin (and utilize a therapist or supportive loved one) to dismantle the story logically with adult eyes. Is the child really to blame given their age, knowledge, responsiveness, awareness at that age? Or is someone else responsible? That’s just one line of questioning. There are many directions, but the main thing is to look at it from an outside perspective, not through the same lens you’ve always viewed it. Retell the story. Question what you think you know. And most importantly, be gentle with yourself.
If you find yourself blaming yourself still, you’re too close to the story. You may need outside supports. Even if you technically did something and knew better, it might also be true that another person, with your same experiences, same knowledge, same age, could possibly have done the same if they were placed in the same scenario. Don’t be hard on yourself. Be reasonable. Be kind to yourself. This is a healing opportunity.
If you need support, or if this is triggering please find someone who supports you well, consider therapy, or if you cannot afford therapy (which I relate to) reach out to a university that has a counseling training program, because they often offer low cost (and sometimes free) therapy as new therapists need a certain amount of supervised training hours to get their degree. I have used counselors in training for years with phenomenal results.
If you’re curious about therapy, check out my blog post on this topic, “No Shame In Therapy.”
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