I’ve been avoiding editing this one, because I didn’t want it to put me in a certain mood. So luckily the mood just came back. (sarcasm)
My daughter just said to me, “I’m a little hungry. You got something to eat?” And I had to say, “Honestly, no.”
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!
I need to go to the store. I have a little money left—this time—so I’m going to go and try to make it stretch. That’s not always the case (that there’s money left). In the past I would lean on my dad if I was in this position, but I’m trying to not lean on him so much of late. And that little money I have left is actually $40 I put in the bank last night to tied me over through next weekend in case I need gas or run into an emergency. That same $40 is also supposed to cover any food needs I have over the next 10 days.
I need eggs. One carton is $8. I need fruit for breakfast smoothies. One bag of mixed fruit that can last a week is $11. I need nondairy yogurt for 5 days. Those are $2.29 each. Kitten needs to eat. (Got him before gas and grocery prices went sky high. And my productivity went to hell due to burnout.) He goes through about $4 per day (as he decides he no longer likes the food he loved yesterday). Oh… forgot, I need chicken breast (because we’re trying to eat healthier). Two chicken breasts are roughly $10. I have become very crafty over the years at stretching one chicken breast into three meals, but lately they’ve only been stretching to two… because the good chicken isn’t cheap and those prices keep rising with everything else.
Oh… slow leak in my two front tires so the amount of gas I’m burning through is… depressing. I fill them up, and think I’m good. I go get gas waaaay in the “other people’s” neighborhoods (because it’s often a dollar more per gallon in my neighborhood) and by the time I’m home, it’s as if I didn’t get any at all. Low tire pressure causes you to burn more gas.
I said all that to say my gas tank is on a quarter tank (3/4 empty) and my week is just starting. Gotta get her to school and back every day, at the very least. And that gas comes out of the same $40.
So anywho, back moment when I had to say we don’t have anything in the house. It guts me because I am her only provider, and I used to be able to have something in the house for when she was hungry outside of regular meals. A snack was always waiting in her snack drawer each day. I kept food in the freezer that she could make, or lunch meat and bread and cheese. I can’t afford that now. I only have enough money to cover the necessities….
I buy what I need for her breakfast. I buy what I need for her lunch. I buy what I need, and can afford for her dinner. Did you notice something in my wording? Yeah, you’re right. I shop to ensure she eats… and that the kitten eats. But I don’t bring in enough to ensure I eat.
The rest I say on today’s podcast. Check it out. Oh, and I don’t share these things as a pity party. I share it as awareness of what some people are dealing with and even why. Sometimes it’s hard to truly understand another person’s perspective, when it’s far enough from our own. So I share my stories to help people like me know you’re not alone and to help people who can’t make sense of the possible struggles, challenges, etc. (especially for late diagnosed neurodivergent people, single parents, entrepreneurs with mental wellness challenges like myself).
It’s not meant to be depressing. It’s just information. It’s just me using me as an example of how life is for some people, by sharing my vulnerable and authentic truths.
Anywho, press play. If this is enlightening, please like, comment, subscribe, and/or share.
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So many people who think like me, who’ve done their research, who think for themselves are going out to vote and telling everyone to go out and vote, but we are not helping those who are currently being manipulated by lies to understand what we understand.
We’re saying, “Do your civic duty.” “Vote.” But we are not finding ways to educate others with the truth, countering the lies they’ve believed with facts, or addressing their concerns that have swayed them to the other side.
When VP Harris ran and lost, many of us were certain that if she had been in the running longer, she could’ve won. So what are we waiting on for a formal declaration this time? Maybe we should give it another year and hope history doesn’t repeat itself.
During her short campaign more time was spent “preaching to the choir” (similar to what Hillary… Senator Clinton did) about what he was doing and why he was a bad choice, than actually stating what she stood for, what her policies, changes, and stance would be. And next to no time was spent PUBLICLY and repeatedly addressing the concerns of those who would’ve likely voted for her had they known the stances they took against her were based on lies and smear campaigns.
I am legit bothered and thinking about this every day, because as a neurodivergent human pattern recognition is my gift and curse. We are on our way to repeating the same bullshit because NOTHING IS CHANGING!
People with platforms that know these facts need to be using their voice, influence, numbers, and the attention of their followers to combat the ignorance that is going to have us with the same pres ’til he leaves this earth. I’m just waiting for him to get the ruling that he can do this sh*t forever and that we no longer get to vote. And if you think that’s never gonna happen, I never thought any of this other stuff could happen here either. Who knew that a reality star could become the leader of the free world? That MILLIONS of people would actually vote for him… even after knowing all the despicable things he’s done? That our children would be experiencing more racism than some of us ever did as a result of his influence (well, a result of him letting people know being politically correct is no longer necessary)? That US citizens would be carted off to modern day concentration camps by the government’s order? And so much other stuff that I don’t even need to list.
Hollywood wouldn’t even buy the script we’re living. It’s that unbelievable. AND we’re on our way to more of it because no one is/few are countering the bullsh*t with provable facts. No one should be able to claim, “We didn’t know.” But they can because we who do know are just talking to each other about how bad it is, rather than being VERY LOUD about the truth of things, posting about the undeniable facts that make him a bad choice for most of us.
I’m so concerned. I don’t care if you voted. Who did you educate? What did you share that could highlight important considerations? Who have you talked to?
I wish my brain could hold the facts and figures and truths so I could use my platform even more. I do what I can, though. I share what I can, though. I share when others who do know talk about it. I’m doing my part. And I hope that more will do their part.
All I’m saying is that my reach is small, but some of y’all have the influence and you’re wasting it. Stop telling everybody to vote while not telling them the truth so they can vote responsibly.
Stop “preaching to the choir.” Talking to each other is not going to change things. Educating those who are loud and wrong is how we change things. Finding common ground to develop the rapport that allows people with opposing views to listen is how we change things. Getting the people who are listening to speeches instead of doing their own research to look at the facts and see they’ve been lied to is how we change things. But if we don’t do more than just tell everybody to vote, we’re gonna get an even worse version. It’s worse every term.
Trust they’ll be at the polls so we need to do our part to get the facts out everywhere. Gotta create curiosity that causes people to question their certainty about him. He’s been lying to so many groups for such a long time. And they fully believe him and are fully loyal. Somebody’s gotta say something to snap them out of it before it’s too late.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
This is MY opinion and around here that’s the only opinion. I don’t post to debate. If you disagree, please don’t comment. I don’t care. You can feel free to read the other 98% of my blogs/podcasts that are not political, or just forget I exist. It’s okay.
It’s not personal. It’s not intentional. It’s not planned.
Don’t be offended. I don’t do it on purpose. I don’t have control over it. I try to work around it, but sometimes I miss it.
Being mistreated, and having the people you care about assume the worst, is so hurtful.
I have missed funerals, been late to weddings, missed important events, and ruined/delayed MANY dinners (that required something that was still in the freezer) by forgetting.
And it was never because IDGAF.
I forgot because my brain misplaced the file or forgot to log it. I didn’t forget because I don’t care or want to hurt you.
I will apologize or even try to make it right, if possible. And your negative response, or lack of a response, will gut me. I’m not a person who shows up in life being intentionally hurtful. So the assumption is insulting and my feelings will be hurt… for a little while.
But I’ve been through this so many times throughout my life. So I will be kind to myself and let you be mad. That’s unfortunately part of life for a lot of us with ADHD. A lot of criticism. A lot of false assumptions. A lot of unjustified conclusions drawn. A lot of hurtful words. And we have to keep going, because people can’t relate and don’t understand us.
It is what it is. People will believe what they choose to believe. And we will make mistakes. And we have to choose to love ourselves through them.
AND, honestly, I choose to release people who are committed to believing a false narrative about me. I’m not going to constantly defend myself. They can keep thinking what they want and I’ll just channel my kindness elsewhere. If you’re convinced I’m the bad guy, continue with that. You’re entitled to your opinion, no matter how wrong it it. But what you won’t do is keep spewing that nonsense you believe and have my attention. We’re clearly not aligned and you don’t know me, so I will calmly show you the door.
On the other hand, I love love love the people who come into my life and see the real me and don’t assume the worst and get instantly offended when I make mistakes. Little by little people like that are flowing into my life and filling the void left by those who just didn’t get me.
So feel free to release those who are committed to not understanding you. Communicate clearly and if they refuse to see the truth of you, do yourself a favor and let them go. There are others who will see the truth of you… in time. Free up their seats.
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
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I just saw a post that said being needed and being loved can feel very similar, but they are not the same.
I completely agree. Over the years I’ve discovered that a lot of things feel like love that aren’t actually love.
In the past, feeling needed felt like love. If I was serving a purpose, I would get the smiles, and the connection through their appreciation that made me feel good, that made me feel loved.
Feeling “wanted” was a big one for me. good enough for me. Whether it was the impact of teen movies and after school specials, or just being the friend who the guys never chose, someone focusing their attention on me made me feel special, and that special feeling was love to me.
Let me break it down a little further (farther? 🤔 I never know the difference 😆)….
And I’m not embarrassed to say that, because I understand the psychology around it.
I’m my family, I was the youngest. So I grew up in an environment where everyone wanted nothing to do with me because I was “too little.” They couldn’t watch what they wanted to watch, they couldn’t say what they wanted to say, they couldn’t be free to be around their friends, because I would have to tag along. And there was no subtlety in letting me know that I was not welcomed.
And with that being my daily in the house experience growing up, it impacted my core beliefs about myself and my right to be present, and how other people would view me. I didn’t hold much of an expectation that people would want me around because in a large family nobody really did. (Okay one exception was my dad. But he was at work from early in the morning ’til evening so I would have to wait until he got home before I could be around anybody who actually enjoyed/ didn’t mind my presence).
At school I didn’t really fit in because my parents were so strict. I didn’t get to go out and play so I didn’t know how to jump double dutch. I didn’t know any of the hand games or get to watch the shows that other kids got to watch. And I was terribly quiet because I was afraid of getting in trouble. So I didn’t exactly fit at school.
So fast forward to being in junior high and high school, when people are starting to couple up. My personality was more developed, and I had friends, but I was also super religious. So even though I was terribly lonely, and wanted a boyfriend like everybody else, I wasn’t exactly the peak choice for guys.
That thirst for attention made even the slightest gesture of interest from a guy feel like a full-on declaration of love. I wasn’t used to be chosen. I was used to being the “wing girl” who talked to a guy’s friend, so he could talk to mine.
The guys always wanted to talk to my friends, never to me. So when my gorgeous, chocolate, 6’3″, basketball playing first boyfriend initially approached me, I didn’t even believe him at first. I was with the same friends who were always chosen, but he chose ME.
And, of course, I was all in. Whatever he wanted (short of that) I was giving in. I didn’t want to lose him.
He was the first person to tell me, “I love you.” My parents were old school and they really weren’t doing that kind of affectionate stuff. I can’t say that they never said “I love you,” but it wasn’t voluntary. It was because the minister on New Year’s Eve at watch night service said, “Go around and hug your neighbor and tell them, ‘I love you with the love of the Lord.'” I never really heard it outside of that kind of context.
So when my first boyfriend said those words, it meant everything to me. He could have asked me to paint the sky and I would have found a way to do it. Not losing his love meant so much to me that I ignored how he made me feel. I ignored the way I was constantly compromising my values to keep him. I ignored the things he did that were inappropriate, manipulative, and inexcusable. I ignored that we broke up pretty much every other week, because I wouldn’t “put out.” And I’d cry and beg him to come back because I “needed” him to love me. In my mind, he was the only one who did. So I cry and my friends would call and cuss him out and and we’d get back together. And I’d be happy until the next time.
I thought I would save this for the memoir. 🤣 But who knows if I’ll ever get to write that. Thanks ADHD.
Anywho, we did that on and off thing for years. And eventually we ended things. I met and fell in love with others over varying levels of attention, affection, attraction, and feeling grateful to be chosen. I stayed when they did not treat me well, caused me to question my worth, expected me to give more than I was receiving, and put me on pause to entertain women from their past. I was always understanding and let them do and be as they wanted. I was always accommodating, never suffocating, or jealous. I put up with whatever because they chose me, when they could have chosen anybody.
Simply being chosen, felt like they had given me the world. Giving me any of their time, their attention, wanting to spend time with me, smiling when I enter the room. When a person is starved of affection, even crumbs feel like a meal. I felt fed when I was actually starving.
I finally felt like someone cared about me. Each time. Because in between relationships— except when I chose to take a break intentionally in college and again in adulthood—I just felt alone and sad and unchosen. I felt like I was defective, like something was wrong with me because I didn’t have a person who wanted to be with me….
Now, as an adult who has done sooo much inner healing work, I realize that so much of how I viewed myself came from various sources. My home and school environment, for sure. AND a huge influence came from societal programming through television, movies, Disney stories, and religious culture and teachings. I was highly susceptible, especially given I already had that “I don’t belong,” “unloved,” “unwanted” void.
The message that happily ever after—and my purpose as a woman—comes from being coupled has been everywhere since childhood. Standards weren’t really taught, because being chosen was the only goal. It was all about making myself “choosable.” A man was the prize. So I didn’t demand anything of them. I was happy to take any level of attention they’d offer. Being wanted was awesome. Being chosen was sufficient. And being needed felt like a gift.
It’s crazy how far we can go into life without learning about self-love. I was never taught to observe how I’m treated to see if someone’s actions match their words. If they said they loved me that’s all I needed to know. I’d completely ignore how I felt and what I observed. “It was all in my mind. He said we’re fine.”
But now I’m grown. And I’ve been single long enough to fall in love with myself. I know what love feels like and I know the absence of it. I have evaluated my past relationships and learned the lessons. I have taken the time to observe what I ignored. I looked at each situation plainly, without the love colored glasses. I allowed myself to see things clearly.
And the great thing is that I didn’t just learn to see them differently. I learned to see myself differently. I started to recognize my value. I started to count my assets instead of my shortcomings. I had put up with so much, because I felt they were doing me a favor by being with me. I didn’t see my good.
All my life I have been criticized for what I didn’t do, what I didn’t have, and who I wasn’t. So in relationships, I saw them as putting up with me, because that’s how my parent treated me and the others. I saw how I was an inconvenience or a burden, never a blessing. I overdid my role to compensate for the loss I felt they were sustaining by being with me, instead of someone else.
It’s so hard to even think that I used to feel this way, but I did. That lifetime of having my flaws pointed out and my assets discredited shifted from external criticism to internal. I was so critical of myself. I only saw what I didn’t “bring to the table.”
Then one day, things shifted.
I guess I have my fake ass business “partner” to thank for that. When they took advantage of me and I began to vent to my friend about how hurt I was because they knew I had nothing. I began to ask why they would do this to me. And something happened.
I started to say things like, “Why would they choose me? I have nothing to offer. I mean, I do have an established publishing company, but so what?” Then I thought some more and I said, “Well, I mean I do have a couple published books.” Then I thought some more and said, “Well, I have a fully written program for adolescent girls… annnd… I have run my program in schools.” “Annnd… I guess I do have an online store full of products I designed….. annddd I was chosen as a Women’s History Month speaker for the Chicago Public Libraries… annnnnd…..”
And before I knew it, I had gone from feeling like sh*t to saying, “Wait, I’m the sh*t!” Before that moment, I did not see myself. All I saw was my bank balance. All I saw was my student loan debt. All I saw was that I live in my parents’ basement. I saw that my “husband” left and I was a single mom. I saw what I couldn’t afford, what I couldn’t do, where I couldn’t go…
All I saw was my shortcomings. I never took time to list all of my good stuff. I didn’t see myself through the lens of my assets, just my liabilities. And I allowed partners to come into my life who saw value in me, but I didn’t see it. I felt I was winning because they chose me, when they were winning because I had no idea I was the prize.
But guess what. I am now beginning to see my value. I am beginning to reestablish my standards. I am releasing the not enough feeling to pay more attention to what is good about me. I am realizing all I have to offer and it’s raising my self-worth. I am seeing that I actually bring plenty to the table. I’m clear that just being coupled is not enough. Being chosen doesn’t mean a thing. Being wanted and needed doesn’t mean I’m loved. And being truly loved in an obvious and palpable way that aligns with how I receive love is non-negotioable.
I’m raising my awareness of my awesomeness and raising my standards, and you deserve to do the same. Start counting your good qualities and remember all that makes you awesome. You deserve love that feels like love to you. And so do I.
