It’s interesting that I wanted to share on this topic today, but didn’t have enough dopamine to pull it off. I came across this post, today. Reblogging it. Grateful that it showed up for me when I needed it. Blessings.
You ever seen one of those videos where a person is relearning how to walk and they take their first steps? That step is what it feels like for me each time I accomplish something while dealing with ADHD and executive dysfunction.
The road is uphill most of the time and then I take a step, and everyone (including me) expects that the next step is coming right behind. But that’s because invisible disabilities aren’t often acknowledged. If someone has a permanent limp, or a brace, and struggles to walk, everyone expects the process to continue to be uphill.
But when you have something going on that doesn’t present physically the assumption is that laziness, poor time management, a lack of focus, or even low self-confidence is the cause. So when you accomplish something, that means the problem is fixed and the free flow is coming for you to crap out accomplishment after accomplishment.
Well, that’s what I thought, too. But unlike relearning to walk, where it’s a skill a person works really hard to rebuild, if you have an ongoing debilitating situation, you don’t necessarily get back to your old self. You just manage to get things done WITH the thing that makes life challenging.
Essentially, what I’m saying is that it took me four decades to realize that I’ve been trying to learn how to overcome/defeat something that I saw as a temporary obstacle. I thought that all I needed was the right pep talk, conference, or therapy…. a new belief system, woo woo practice, or even medication to overcome.
And I now four decades in realize that I’ve been living with an invisible disability my whole life. I’ve thought I was failing because I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I wasn’t dedicated enough, that insecurities were getting in my way. And I’m not saying that I couldn’t try harder, or be more dedicated, or be less insecure (I’m sure we all could). What I’m saying is that I’ve been trying to overcome something that isn’t going nowhere. Yeah, I can find resources, tools, practices, and even dietary shifts that can help a bit, but it’s not temporary. It’s part of my makeup.
So now that I realize this, I get to spend the rest of my life accepting myself: for who I am, for the challenges I deal with, and keep learning how to work WITH myself given how I’m designed.
This is a tough discovery and one I may feel uncomfortable about sharing, but I needed to do this, both for myself and someone else who will read this and realize there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not f*cking up. You’re not lazy. You’re not scatterbrained or just not trying hard enough. You’re dealing with a disability that isn’t acknowledged as a disability (especially if you are a female who’s gone undiagnosed most of your life). Sh*t’s hard because you are dealing with challenges that aren’t necessarily well-supported and you’ve been trying to do this thing being judged by typical standards. The fact that you’re still in this race is a miracle in itself and I’m proud of you. And I’m proud of me, too.
Imagine winning any laps of this footrace called life and the whole time your shoes were tied together. We’re miracles. And this post is about looking down to realize that our shoes are tied together and that stumbling through life makes sense, and our wins are twice as important because our wins don’t even make sense. But they happened and they can happen again.
I guess ultimately this was a bit of a love letter to myself as I realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I am trying REALLY REALLY hard and I always have been. My fatigue is warranted given all I fight through every day to show up and handle my responsibilities. And my shortcomings are warranted given the challenges I fight through every day to show up and handle my responsibilities.
I needed to keep writing until I came to this realization, and now I am grateful that I am sharing this. So here’s a big hug and well done to anyone struggling with invisible disabilities. It’s not easy and we really are doing our best. And our best gets to fluctuate from day to day.
May this post bring you a new layer, and to a new level, of self-acceptance. You’re amazing and so am I.
Many years ago I watched an interview of Dr. Wayne Dyer. He shared something he learned from Mother Teresa. She told him to simply find someone who feels they are alone and show them that they’re not. That’s my intention here.
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!
Please listen all the way to the end. Don’t turn it off when you hear the music start playing. Thanks so much. Enjoy!
I share my stories because I believe it’s possible that someone can gain from my experiences, epiphanies, and insights. When I was in church, there was a scripture that was often quoted that says that we overcome by listening to other people’s testimonies. This has been true for me. Right when I’m ready to give up, or when I feel what I’m doing has little to no value, someone comes along and shares how my post helped them, or someone I look up to shares their story of once being where I am, and I gain additional strength to continue my journey.
For me, Tabitha Brown has been the latter. Her stories resonate with me so deeply and on so many different levels. She both encourages me for where I am and to keep believing in where I’m headed.
Yesterday, I came across a video of hers on Facebook (see below) that I honestly had seen before, but it hit different this time. (Honestly, it’s possible with ADHD that it’s the same video that led to my other post thanking Tabitha Brown. 😂) When I watched her video yesterday I got emotional. It was so inspiring to see her past and future meet. That’s the beauty of recording what we do. There’s evidence when we get there that it wasn’t always like this. I got to see that by following guidance (her gut instincts, inner knowing, whatever you want to call it) when it didn’t make sense, she is now living her dreams. I relate so much to not really seeing how one thing will lead to the other, but still doing what I feel “led” to do, because I know the voice of my inner guidance and I just follow it. And I’m going to keep doing it.
One of the things I love so much about Tab is that she is so honest about her spiritual connection and she leans in to that inner guidance, and unapologetic about talking about it. Everyone won’t get it, but for the ones who do, it’s so validating. It’s so inspiring. It’s so encouraging. I feel less alone. Because no one really understands what it is to be doing what other people aren’t doing, and experiencing what few people experience, and to keep showing up authentically when you know some people are wondering why you won’t just do like everybody else.
And I’m so grateful for how she openly shares and talks about what others might be scared to talk about. It encourages me because I’m out here saying things that people don’t say, and vulnerably sharing my journey… simply because it feels right to share it. As I gain these lessons, I immediately share them because I want us all to grow and evolve. I don’t keep it to myself.
That’s the whole point behind Share & Let’s Live! We ALL have gifts, passions, skills, and interests that we can share with others. And as we do so we ALL get to evolve. Whether it’s that you know how to crochet, or that you learned how to ride a bike in your 40’s, simply sharing these experiences can cause someone else to realize it’s not too late for them. We get to inspire each other.
So anyway, didn’t mean to make this so long. On this episode of Share & Let’s Live! I’m thanking Tabitha Brown (again 😂) for being so amazingly, authentically her. Thank you, Tab (if you ever see this). I cannot count how many times the inspired “word” you shared was EXACTLY what I needed in that moment. Thank you for following you inner guidance unashamedly. You truly inspire me and I am so grateful.
Anyway, if you haven’t already, check out today’s podcast, “Maybe It Will Get Better.” (And remember I cuss. 😂) You can find the play button directly under the meme/image above.
If you enjoyed this post, you’ll love it here. Subscribe so you’ll be notified when I post again. And in the meantime, check out my other blog posts and podcast episodes.
You deserve reciprocity. That’s not too much to ask.
Today, I’m sharing a growth moment as a recovering people pleaser. I had been feeling bad for years about an incident where I offended someone by standing up for myself. It was just minutes ago that I realized something I never thought of before…
Some people recognize your value long before you do. They are keen at noticing opportunities and if you’re not careful they’ll use you up and move on to the next.
One of the challenges of not being used to support is that when people sell me their good intentions toward me, I can get fooled. I’ve had numerous situations where I let someone sell me on the front end of their vision. They convinced me that it would be the opportunity of a lifetime to align with them. I got fully on board, gave more than I should have and supported what they were doing, only to later realize that they were just using me. They didn’t care at all about my next steps, my vision, my needs, or my intentions. They just saw what value I would bring to what they were doing and roped me in.
I learned the hard way that opportunistic people will have you support them for free while they get paid. They won’t be thinking at all about how they can actually help you. They only care about themselves and what they’re getting out of it. They’ll ensure that they are receiving tangibles while they offer you hopes and prayers. And if you happen to realize it, and actually confront them, they’ll have the nerve to get offended.
I am grateful for the good friends that I have come to know over the years. I have people in my life who show me that they are for me through ACTIONS not just words. I have people who promote me, rather than sell me potential opportunities. I have people who don’t just tell me that they like what I’m doing, but they buy my products, share my posts, and tell people about the work I’m doing.
I’ve had people come along who I really got excited about because they made me think they were giving me opportunities, but when I looked at the work they requested of me versus what they were offering, I realized that they were just taking advantage.
I carried shame for years about a speaking event that I was invited to participate in. The organizer needed a last minute replacement and asked for me to bring my book (I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!) to sell at the event. At first, it seemed like a great opportunity. New potential readers an opportunity to connect with people who may want to book me to speak in the future. I was on board. However, the closer we got to the event, the more I realized I was doing a whole lot of giving, but not getting much in return.
I wasn’t getting paid to speak. I made peace with that because of the opportunity to sell my book. But then the organizer said that she would sell my book under consignment. So since it was last minute I had to pay extra to order books for inventor for the event (that’s money out of pocket). Then she was planning to sell my book and take a large percentage of the sales. So I was basically losing money while she was making full profit. I wasn’t going to be compensated in any way, not even for travel.
At the time, I was not aware of being neurodivergent, or how I process information, and didn’t know anything about alignment or paying attention to how I feel. I just knew that as it got closer and closer to time to head to this event, I was feeling so much dread. It was in this time that I began to dissect our interactions and the arrangement. And I realized that this woman was not supporting me, she was using me. She came off as a mentor, that wanted to give me an opportunity. But I soon realized that she was the only one winning while I was losing.
I barely had enough money for gas to get to the event. And I couldn’t guarantee that if I did sell any books that I’d be able to take home enough (after her cut) to put gas in the car. I realized that the whole situation was really effed up and she DID NOT have my best interest at heart. She wasn’t thinking about me at all.
One thing about me is that I physically cannot make myself do something I don’t agree with. Once I am convinced that it’s not a good move, I can’t move. I’ve pulled up to places and not been able to get out of my car… like workplaces. 😂 I just can’t. My body will shut down and my legs won’t move.
Well… that’s what happened with that event. Once I realized all that was going on that was for her, and against me, I couldn’t go. I felt so irresponsible and horrible for it, but at the same time I felt totally justified because that chick did not care at all about me. So like two hours or so before they event, I called and cancelled. I was honest, though. I told her that the arrangement was set up for her to win and for me to fail. She was appalled and offended. And she was/is a respected someone so I knew that what I did would possibly have consequences. But the way I’m built, none of that mattered. I couldn’t go. So I didn’t. And I did the most responsible and professional thing I could do in that moment which was to communicate. And she had to figure it out and find herself a new speaker.
I was just thinking of that incident a few minutes prior to writing this. And the same shame feeling came up—for having cancelled last minute leaving her to scramble, possibly ruining her event. Up until this moment, I was still feeling bad for how I handled things. But I never should have been in that position. If she actually cared about me as a new author and really wanted to support me, she would have seen that the win was that I was coming to speak for free when she was out a speaker. And in kindness for me showing up for her, she would’ve let me have the little $20-30 I would’ve made off of my book sales.
At that time that money would’ve been LIFE to me, because I was struggling. I was driving my daughter to school an hour each way. I’d take her to school some days not knowing how I was going to have enough gas to pick her up that evening. So I’d stay in the area, work, and sleep in my car in the Target parking lot, so I could make it home with her without running out of gas.
I said “yes” to the opportunity because I believed the opportunity was mutually beneficial. I thought I was helping her AND she was helping me. But I soon learned that she was helping herself and herself. And I’ve come across people over the years who have the same mentality. They make it seem like they are for you, but they really are only for themselves. I don’t have a problem with a person being selfish. I do have a problem with a person presenting themselves as a giver when they are a taker.
I think that I have now had enough of these moments of walking into a dream I was sold only to wake up and realize it’s a nightmare. I feel like I am quicker now to recognize when a person is the only one winning. I realize that being desperate will have “you” saying “yes” to apparent opportunities that should be a strong “no.” And I honestly hate that it takes me longer to recognize these moments than it may take others. I still do expect people are going to do right by me simply because I’m a nice person. And I’m grateful 🙄 for these life lessons that have helped me to recognize people’s selfish intentions a little earlier.
If I had one lesson I wish I could’ve told my former self, it would be that “people who really have your best interest at heart will share their food. They will ensure that your efforts are TANGIBLY compensated, because you cannot buy food, gas, or pay bills with ‘possible networking opportunities.’ Opportunistic people will have you work for free, while they get paid. Don’t let them use you. If they got paid, and you worked, you should get paid, too. And if they have a problem with that, walk away with your head held high. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
I know I shouldn’t care, but sometimes I wonder if when I do my honest posts about not being in the best emotional state, if there are some FB “friends” (lurkers) that eyeroll and think, “Here she goes with her ‘I need attention’ posts. 🙄 I wish she’d just get her sh*t together and get over herself.” I mean, it would suck, but it’s possible…
I don’t really do that here, but I am really open about my journey. So I’m gonna share here, what I shared there (on my personal Facebook page) earlier.
It is a beautiful blessing that is often overlooked to be able to set an intention and follow through on it. Sounds simple. You set a goal, you create a plan, you execute it, you navigate challenges, goal complete.
Being able to do that is not automatic, simple, readily available for everyone. I am one of those people who it’s really hard, bordering on so challenging it feels damn near impossible most days. It’s hard for people to see that in me because of the things I have done.
I admit that I am very gifted. I am capable of doing a lot of things well. I have multiple gifts across several disciplines. Given what I am able to do, it would seem that I should be doing really well in life. And that the only reason a person this talented and skilled is not one of the most successful …. pick a career(s)…. has to be because either I’m not trying, I’m not confident, I’m lazy, I don’t want it enough, etc.
The reality is that I have been told those things my whole life. I have believed those things my whole life. I have tried harder my whole life. I have worked on me since high school, at the very least, just knowing that if I tried harder I could do, be, have way more, because I am smart, talented, and have all these great creative ideas and multitude of skills.
And then over the last two years or so (mostly last year) I actually started to pay attention to myself. Rather than just keep saying, “all I have to do is try harder,” I actually thought about what I was saying. And I realized I try harder every day. I wake up every day with the same successful intentions. I go to bed every night having tried my best and mostly failed at accomplishing what I set out to do…. not because I didn’t try, but because my mind wouldn’t let me.
I started to pay attention to what was actually happening every day. I started paying attention to what I was actually intending, planning and doing. I paid attention to my energy levels throughout my day. I paid attention to what happened when I woke up focused and how I still ended up not having a successful day. I paid attention to what was actually happening versus my intentions. I started doing research on what I was experiencing. I started to notice how often my days were actually successful (by my standard that I completed the tasks/projects I intended for that day/time period). I started to look at the bigger picture. I saw what was accomplished versus what wasn’t. How many days I was successful versus how many days I was frustrated because I couldn’t rally or wrangle my brain to follow through on my intentions…
I realized something important. I realized that effort wasn’t the issue. My brain and body were the issue. I was really giving it my all but I had nothing to give. I couldn’t think, focus, plan, execute, follow through. I would try really hard to be successful and complete tasks EVERY DAY. But I couldn’t focus, couldn’t remember what I was supposed to be doing, was inexplicably exhausted from the activities of the morning, couldn’t get my mind to stop looping on convos and earlier interactions. I wanted to do work, but just couldn’t.
I realized that all the things that people told me about myself, weren’t true. And I’m still discovering those things to be untrue. I’m not insecure about my abilities. I’m actually quite confident. (I may deal with insecurities around convincing someone else that I’m the truth, but I don’t doubt it.) I’m not lazy. I work really hard at what I am able to and what really matters to me. I recorded, edited, and posted a podcast every day for over a year straight. Do you have any idea how much work that is? I’m talking on weekends, on days I was sick, on days from hell when life lifed all over me. I still edited audio, blended tracks, designed memes, wrote descriptions (and sometimes full blogs) to go with the episodes, posted to different platforms (which meant following different protocols and adjusting the details for each). And I did it every day.
And I have self-published projects on new year’s eve at least 3 times (meaning I did all the work that day and published by midnight). When I’m hyperfocused I will go without sleep, food, interaction until I get it done. But that kind of focus only comes a few times a year (yeah, YEAR not week, not month…), maybe 6 days out of 365. So most days I’m honestly just miserable because I have needs that aren’t being met because I’m not completing tasks… because I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want it enough. I couldn’t want it more. For about a decade, I have been in agony daily because my brain won’t let me do the work I set out to do.
And it was just last year that I realized that I have lived my whole life with an extreme cognitive impairment. That the processing disorder I was diagnosed with a few years ago was not just a minor inconvenience. And a few days ago I did some research and discovered that as it presents in me it is a full on functionally limiting disability! And I had NO IDEA.
I had been beating myself up every f*cking day for my whole life. Giving in to the labels of “lazy,” “stupid”, a “waste of talent.” Taking on spiritual guilt for not using the gifts God gave me. The disorder itself even kept me forgetting that I came to these conclusions so I’d go right back to beating myself up for not doing, being, and having more.
The way society, friends, and family think it’s in my head and that I’m just buying in to nonsense circulating currently that’s got “everybody thinking they’ve got ADHD.” 🙄 The conversations I’ve been having lately that show me that it presents obviously in me in so many ways, and people STILL think I’m just giving up my power to a fake diagnosis. 😒
People think they’re being supportive and they think they know what it really looks like so that can’t be me. I used to think the same until I actually researched about it. Honestly, the more I learn the more I think an AuDHD diagnosis is more likely, but either way I know that I am trying (and failing) every day. And I’m not calling myself a failure by saying that. I am saying that every day I set out to do things that I am fully capable of doing, but can’t do because my mind won’t get on board.
If you go to write a book, but you can’t think. You can’t write a book. If you go to write a course, but can’t focus, you can’t write the course. If everything you do and create comes from your mind as original thoughts and ideas, and you can’t get your mind to focus, you cannot do your work. That is what my days look like. More days than not.
On the days that I am able to pull off creating something, publishing something, posting something, I’m very happy. But if you know anything about making money, you know that you have to promote and sell what you create…. repeatedly and consistently. How do you do that if you only have energy and focus simultaneously a few days out of the year?
Sooo…. why am I telling you this? Good question. Honestly most of my posts of late are just me working through my own sh*t and making sense of it and posting it in case someone else needs to work out their sh*t, too. I’ve been blessed to be a blessing by sharing these epiphanies. Sometimes it helps people understand their loved ones. Sometimes my posts help people feel seen. Sometimes my posts lead to someone considering being assessed because they relate so much to what I share.
And ultimately, I share because I feel inspired to do so. It’s not up to me how it lands… or who it’s for… or even when you’ll see it. I just share it because it feels right to do so. And I hope that if nothing else my sharing helps you develop an additional perspective that can help you be more compassionate toward others, realizing that people can be going through all kinds of stuff in the background that you’ll never know. My hope is that my posts bring greater understanding and love in the world… even if that is just toward me.
Anywho, gonna post this and try to have a successful day….
Oh, and one good thing came out of my epiphanies last year. I no longer beat myself up for not being able to do more when I just can’t get my brain on board. I allow myself to take a break, take a nap, get something to eat, revisit it later. Sometimes that helps, other times that nap lasts all day. Either way, I just let it be as it is. Am I happy about it? No. Do I accept it? Yes. Does it still stress me out? Yes. That’s one of the main reasons I’m depressed and anxious most of the time. And why I end up needing hugs and prayers and such, because unproductive days don’t bring cash. And I need it to sustain life… now more than ever.
So, yeah. I’m doing my best. And that’s really all any of us can do.
You’re welcome for the TMI. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being kind and compassionate and making our world better by your presence. I’m gonna keep pressing through and ignoring the intrusive thoughts that… well…. that’s for another post (oh yeah, I already posted it. “On Sooiszidull Ideation” by @marlenedillonempowerment on YouTube).
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