Can I be honest? Goodness, I carry a lot of shame and blame. Everything is my fault, even if there’s no way it’s my fault. Residue from childhood…
It’s annoying how those things can hold onto us well into adulthood. I mean, I’m in my 40s and my parents’ stuff and my teachers’ stuff and my classmates’ stuff and my siblings’ stuff still wafts up and slaps me every once in a while. And some things don’t leave, and wane, and revisit. They sit with me every f*ckin’ day. And I hate that sh*t.
I am actively working out some stuff, while letting other messages run in the background until I get to them. AND this idea of maybe I’m actually doing my best came up for me recently. (I want to say “today,” but I actually recorded this a few days ago and life has kept me so busy that I’m just today getting around to writing this description.
I had planned on doing a full YouTube video for this one and I even started it (I think. ADHD is like that. I forget things and think I’ve done things I haven’t. Like I came to simply put the audio into this blog post that I thought I wrote already. I may have written it somewhere, or maybe it was just in my head. So here I am writing it for (possibly the first time). And you know what? I’m doing my best. And my best doesn’t look like any one else’s.
I’m showing up in this world with all my stuff… much that NO ONE knows about… much that I share here. And I’m doing my best. Being a single mom, as a neurodivergent human (who is JUST NOW realizing how impairing this processing disorder (ADHD) has been for me my whole life), I always feel inadequate, that I’m not doing enough. But, today, I’m realizing that I am doing MY best.
One of my favorite videos is of this little girl doing her mom’s nails, and when her mom notes that she got some of the polish on her finger, she says, “I’m doin’ my best, honey.” It’s the cutest thing. And it makes me giggle every time.
In these moments when I find my mind being so hard on me, I hear her little voice in my head saying, “I’m doing my best, honey.” Despite the internalized criticism from others that eventually became my inner voice…. You know that happens, right? Your inner critic likely sounds just like someone who used to criticize you. You probably taught yourself to do it before they could. That way you could correct things before they could hurt you with their words… or otherwise. Eventually, we’ve been doing it so long that we forget we started to do it to protect ourselves, and we become our own bullies….
Anywho… what was I talking about? (Hmmm…. ADHD took it.) Anyway, this is long enough. Thank you for being here. Listen to today’s podcast above.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 