Still debating on the title. For the blog, “Imperfectly Okay.” For the podcast, “Desperation Is a Gateway to BS.” Check out both below and you’ll see why.
I was stretching before bed and started thinking about what I would tell my former self, if I had the opportunity. What warnings I would’ve given her to protect her from hurt, from being used, and from the embarrassment that came with pouring my all into people who were not good for me.
The first thought that came to me was “Whatever you don’t have you don’t need, or provision will come to support you.” The thought came as I realized that the relationships that hurt me the most were the ones where a manipulative person saw my desperation and used it against me.
They saw my lack, my insecurity, my need, and played on my desperation. Once they got me to open up, I told them exactly what I was missing/wanting. And they pretended to be the solution, offered, and promised what I desperately needed. And it worked.
You don’t have to offer a great feast to a starving human. A small meal and promises that “there’s more where that came from” may be all it takes to gain their loyalty.
I was starving for love, better yet, to be chosen. I was always the third wheel, the wing woman. While the cute guy talked to my bestie, I was stuck talking to his friend. I hated that. I wanted someone to see me and choose me. So when my ex came along going out of his way to be friendly without flirting, checking on me, giving me his time and attention, I felt special. When I met him I was very focused and committed to being single so taking the friendship angle worked.
Giving me his time worked. Growing up as the youngest in a house full of people, had a long term impact. Having someone take time to hear me meant the world. I wasn’t used to having anyone care what I had to say. When you’re the youngest nobody wants to listen to you. You’re insignificant. At least, that was my experience. I was desperate to be seen, heard, and chosen. And when he offered me all of that, I was all in. There was nothing I wouldn’t do.
Similar thing happened when I met the person I called my business partner. I was struggling with my business, not because I lacked great products and services, but because I struggle with social anxiety and sales. The confidence and security required for telling someone I’m amazing feels weird to me. I know I can totally do the work, but convincing another person of that feels daunting.
Over time (due to inner child work), I came to see that selling myself is hard because I expect potential customers to reject me the way my mom did. I held this “if my own mother doesn’t see the good in me or think I’m worth it, why would anyone else?” So when this new person came into my life, who saw my value and was eagerly speaking to others about me, I was fully loyal. I was so desperate to be affirmed, celebrated and promoted, that I didn’t see ’til later that they were promoting their own interests by selling my accomplishments. They were using me to get their foot in many doors. Over time, I realized that although they were saying that they were telling everyone about me, I was getting no new opportunities. However, they were getting opportunities AND fully established off my work and credentials.
In hindsight, I recognize that it was the desperation that made me an easy target. I was easily manipulated because my need was so great that all they had to do was show me a little attention, or a little support, and then promise more was coming and I was all in.
As much as it sucks to go through this kind of hurt multiple times, that last scenario helped me recognize the pattern. So when a third user tried to come into my life a few months back, I saw it clearly and sent him packing. 😆
I’m not desperate anymore, even though I still have needs and desires. There’s a part of me that now acknowledges that I’m still surviving, even without whatever I think I need. So I don’t have to be desperate and put up with whatever or take on whatever.
I’m in a season of, “I can do bad by myself.” I don’t want to bring anyone into my life—for business or pleasure—that isn’t a true asset.
This time of solitude from years of not dating has helped me to see how low my standards were AND how much value I bring. I stopped looking at myself through my mom’s eyes and started making time to really see ME. 🥰 I’ve learned to look at myself through the lens of my own values and priorities (and that is a daily task to remember to do so). I’ve let it be okay that I’m not where I believe I could be if I didn’t lack confidence, knowledge, and skills around sales.
I released desperation for… contentment.
I am where I am and I’ll get to that other place in time. By being patient with myself, and my journey, I eliminate the opportunity for slick individuals to slide in. I’m ok with where I am while wanting more, so my eyes are open. I’m not as easy to manipulate, because I’ve been through this a few times now and see the pattern.
Honestly, writing this helped me. I was starting to get lonely. But I have to get my head in the game so I’m not an easy mark for a narcissist masquerading as a partner. I don’t have room for someone using my desperation against me.
I can look forward to companionship without slipping into despair. I can appreciate the connections I do have and continue to acknowledge and celebrate my awesome qualities so I feel worthy of new boundaries and higher standards…..
It’s possible to simultaneously want more for ourselves while making peace with where we are on our journeys. We can let go of the feeling that we are behind and accept that where we are right now is apparently where we’re meant to be.
We can stop comparing ourselves to others. We can accept that although we may have similar future destinations, our routes and arrival times may be different. Our purpose, pauses, and progress are are individual.
Our paths are unique for: what we are meant to learn, what we are meant to teach, who we are meant to meet, and what we are meant to experience and create.
And with these realizations, we can release the pressure and the desperation in this moment to be more, do more and have more. All we desire may come in time, AND maybe who, what, where, and how we are right now is enough.
We don’t have to be desperate for more. That longing can cause so much unnecessary stress. I know I’m far from where I want to be. But for the last few decades that’s nearly all I’ve focused on. Living in a constant state of anxiety and depression is not real living. It’s a miserable existence.
I’m thinking a better way may be to simultaneously hold our desires for now while appreciating and enjoying whatever we can in this moment. Maybe the most loving thing we can do for ourselves is to accept that we’re imperfectly okay right now.
That’s what I plan to do. And I hope you will too.
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
If this message resonated with you, please like this post, share and/or comment. I’d love to hear from you.
And if you didn’t already, scroll up to the top and listen to today’s podcast. I don’t usually feel inspired to write this much AND do a full podcast. But I think something is healing in me and I felt that maybe it can help somebody else. Maybe you’re the one who gains from this or someone you know.
Thank you for being here.
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