All my life I have looked at everything I’ve done as a win or lose situation—I passed or I failed.

Having that kind of mentality definitely didn’t make for a fun experience. I’ve moved through life with so much angst, constantly worrying about making a mistake.

Parents don’t always realize how their style of parenting will negatively impact their children. It’s like they believe they are acting in (what they feel is) the child’s best interest. So the constant comparisons and criticism isn’t intended to break the child’s spirit. They’re actually supposed to make them better, show up more prepared in a competitive society. It’s intended to make them improve so they can stand up against their peers and win.

And honestly for some it works. They get that push and stand up to the challenge. They try harder, they train more, they show up motivated by the “negative” reinforcement. While many others have their spirits broken.

The negative energy, the constantly being told they are: wrong, messing up, and not good enough feeds into their psyche. And they begin to believe their efforts are pointless. They’ll never get it right. They’ll never get ANYTHING right.

I was the latter.

All the negativity, constant criticism, assuming I was not cut out for whatever I was attempting, comparing me to my siblings (and every body else’s kids), highlighting everything I did wrong while downplaying my accomplishments, and celebrating the outstanding accomplishments of my friends in front of me while asking why I can’t be more like them, all made feel that I wasn’t good enough, whatever I was doing wasn’t good enough, and even if did succeed at something, it wouldn’t matter because they’d never truly acknowledge or celebrate it.

So at a young age, I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I stopped trying to get their approval.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still wanted their approval. I wanted them to be proud of me, to say I did a good job, to tell their friends about me (the way they always told me about their friends’ kids). I just knew better than to expect that.

I went through life, from the second grade on, just doing the bare minimum. My internal question was not, “How do win?” it was, “What’s the least I can do and not fail?” Because if I failed, I got in trouble. So I needed to coast at average—no higher, no lower.

And that’s what I did. I stopped trying so hard, stopped pushing myself. It was pointless. No one would care or they’d make me feel like crap for not doing it better. My best was never good enough, so I decided to stop putting in best effort….

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Wow. You know what’s crazy? This post was gonna be about how today I tried something new, just for me. On how I did something I’ve never done before, and minutes into the process I realized I didn’t like it. And how instead of feeling like I failed at it, internally I said, “That was fun.” It wasn’t for me, but at least I tried it.”

Everything I shared so far in this post was the background and the build up for how I realized everything I do in my life has been a win or a fail. I was going to talk about how I didn’t see life as simply living, but a series of win/lose experiences until you die.

And it was this morning, as I tried something new—putting on fake, press-on nails for the first time—that I had this epiphany. I was so excited about putting on these nails. I had them for like a month, but waited so I could wear them to match the current holiday. It took a lot to get me to sit still and actually do the steps to put them on (because ADHD and executive dysfunction).

Then, as I began to put them on, it wasn’t going so well. They weren’t looking how I thought they would. Every new nail looked more ridiculous than the last. It was like this generic set didn’t fit my fingernails. And I quickly decided I prefer my real nails.

At first, I felt like I had failed at doing this task I had been planning for weeks. I wanted to check this task off as a win. So I kept trying to press through, and put the rest on anyway, even though I wasn’t really liking how they fit. Then I got honest with myself and accepted they just weren’t… me.

So I decided not to put the rest on. The thumb nails looked good, so I kept those. But I removed all the rest of the nails and decided to just “paint” the others for fun and do it my own way (with two press-ons and my real nails).

And that’s when I thought to myself that instead of calling my attempt a “fail” I could just call it a “fun.” And that was gonna be the whole post.

I was going to conclude by saying how we can try things in life. We can choose not to put a pass/fail label on things, and decide to look at them and say, “that was fun, but not for me,” or “that was fun, at least I tried.” But we don’t have to label it a failure.

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But what I just realized, as I was building up to tell the story is something deeper….

I realized that the letdowns over the years, from running excited to share my good news with my parents only to be met with… a lack of enthusiasm, or worse criticism… rewired my response to my own joy, creativity, and good news.

I get excited… at first… when I do something I’ve been wanting to do, when I follow through on inspiration, or have a great opportunity fall in my lap. AND very rapidly I shift from that joy and eagerness, and poke a hole in my happy balloon and start to leak out my excitement.

I make my happy thing not a big deal. I start to find what’s wrong with my new piece. I start to think of all the reasons my great idea won’t work. Soon I can only see what’s wrong and I stop liking it. Then, I shelve it and either go sedentary for a while, or move on to the next thing.

I realized that I started to do to my own excitement what they used to do. I tear my new thing apart before anyone else can. I get “real” and see all the reasons people won’t buy it, pay for it, share about it, or like it. And then I stop being in love with it….

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I think over the years I trained myself to back my heart out of “it” (the project, product, opportunities, etc.) to avoid disappointment.

I hated the feeling of trying so hard, working to ensure everything was perfect, going to them expecting a “good job” or a “this is amazing,” only to receive criticism or just a lack of enthusiasm. I loathed the many hours, days, weeks of effort I put into doing exceptionally well in school, or on creating a drawing, craft, etc., only to be met with the most dry, emotionless, “Oh, ok.” “You always do that.” “The ear is cut off. You’ll have to do it over.”

I learned to fall out of love with what matters to me before anyone could steal my joy. I learned to make my passions feel unimportant before anyone else could. And I’ve been doing it for so long that I didn’t realize it.

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As I think about my business and projects and products, I see how it’s impacting how I think about and promote all I can do and have created.

You know what’s hard? Consistently promoting something you’re expecting others won’t appreciate.

Of course, at first, I’m so excited, like, “Look at my shiny new thing. I made it all by myself.” 🥰 But that rapidly turns into, “I know you’re probably busy, but I did this thing, and if it isn’t too much of a bother could you maybe check it out….when you find time…or if not, it’s okay. I totally understand….”

Every time I create something, I’m so proud of myself and excited. And within days, weeks, or months, I’m already over it. And it’s not that I don’t still love it or feel I did a great job on it. It’s that mean inner voice making it small, convincing me no one wants it, no one cares, and that it’s not good enough.

I start to pick it apart, and find the flaws, and fall out of love with it. I start planning a revised version, or shelve it and come up with a brand new project—something new I can get behind, be excited about, and promote.

I go through this cycle over and over again, with product after project. I stop liking it. I stop promoting it. Then I wonder why I have so much greatness to offer but nobody is buying, ordering, or booking.

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So today I’m grateful that I leaned into the nudge to start this blog post. I was on here to talk about press-on nails and ended up finding something so much deeper. And, of course, this is just the realization. I haven’t done the work, yet. But the awareness comes first. It’s a very important first step.

So I’ve gotta find a way to fall back in love with my creations and stop…..

No. I have to heal that little girl who ran excited to her parents—with her newly completed art project, beaming with pride—the one who was met with, “Oh, ok” and “why didn’t you have your sibling help you with that?” 🙄 I need to show up for her and remind her that it’s not a competition and I get to be proud of my growth and my skills, that what I accomplished mattered because I know what effort it took for me. And I get to release outside opinions about my work and recognize that people who don’t appreciate what I do are not my target market. Their opinions are not reflective of every human being. AND their opinions no longer get to change what I believe about what I do, create, it’s value, or my value.

I get to heal so this old messaging can stop cutting a hole in my happy balloon, leaking the excitement out of every creation, every project, and all my good things…. and you can heal yours, too.

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We don’t always realize how those interactions with people in our past (and present) impact how we show up in our lives. We don’t always see that our voice, our creativity, and even our excitement is colored by past experiences.

So if this message resonates, begin to pay attention to those internal, and external, voices that leak the joy out of your good things. It might be some old messaging, or it might be people in your life currently who don’t create a safe space for your happy stuff.

Some people are negative and unsupportive and never see the bright side. Those are not the people you tell your dreams to. They will suck the life out of them before you even get a chance to truly pursue them. It’s natural to want to share our good news. AND we have to be selective and know whose influence can derail us.

And if you, like me, have some old messaging to clear up, know that it’s worth it. Learning about inner child work is a great first step. I did a post on this some time ago. You can find it here.

Let’s heal. Let’s protect our energy. Let’s give ourselves a chance to shine and keep shining.

In honor of this post and my beautiful inner child, I am sharing some of my good things below.

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Tap the images to learn more about each item and how you can order and/or personalize items for yourself or someone you love. Thank you.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Thanks for being here! Tap my name to learn more about me.