A Fail or a Fun

All my life I have looked at everything I’ve done as a win or lose situation—I passed or I failed.

Having that kind of mentality definitely didn’t make for a fun experience. I’ve moved through life with so much angst, constantly worrying about making a mistake.

Parents don’t always realize how their style of parenting will negatively impact their children. It’s like they believe they are acting in (what they feel is) the child’s best interest. So the constant comparisons and criticism isn’t intended to break the child’s spirit. They’re actually supposed to make them better, show up more prepared in a competitive society. It’s intended to make them improve so they can stand up against their peers and win.

And honestly for some it works. They get that push and stand up to the challenge. They try harder, they train more, they show up motivated by the “negative” reinforcement. While many others have their spirits broken.

The negative energy, the constantly being told they are: wrong, messing up, and not good enough feeds into their psyche. And they begin to believe their efforts are pointless. They’ll never get it right. They’ll never get ANYTHING right.

I was the latter.

All the negativity, constant criticism, assuming I was not cut out for whatever I was attempting, comparing me to my siblings (and every body else’s kids), highlighting everything I did wrong while downplaying my accomplishments, and celebrating the outstanding accomplishments of my friends in front of me while asking why I can’t be more like them, all made feel that I wasn’t good enough, whatever I was doing wasn’t good enough, and even if did succeed at something, it wouldn’t matter because they’d never truly acknowledge or celebrate it.

So at a young age, I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I stopped trying to get their approval.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still wanted their approval. I wanted them to be proud of me, to say I did a good job, to tell their friends about me (the way they always told me about their friends’ kids). I just knew better than to expect that.

I went through life, from the second grade on, just doing the bare minimum. My internal question was not, “How do win?” it was, “What’s the least I can do and not fail?” Because if I failed, I got in trouble. So I needed to coast at average—no higher, no lower.

And that’s what I did. I stopped trying so hard, stopped pushing myself. It was pointless. No one would care or they’d make me feel like crap for not doing it better. My best was never good enough, so I decided to stop putting in best effort….

Wow. You know what’s crazy? This post was gonna be about how today I tried something new, just for me. On how I did something I’ve never done before, and minutes into the process I realized I didn’t like it. And how instead of feeling like I failed at it, internally I said, “That was fun.” It wasn’t for me, but at least I tried it.

Everything I shared so far was the background and the build up for how everything I do in my life has been a win or a failure. That I didn’t see life as just living, but a series of win/lose experiences until you die.

And it was this morning as I tried something new—putting on fake, press-on nails for the first time, that I had this epiphany. I was so excited about putting on these nails. I had them for like a month, but waited so I could wear them to match the current holiday. It took a lot to get me to sit still and actually do the steps to put them on (because ADHD and executive dysfunction). And as I put them on it wasn’t looking how I thought it would. Every new nail looked more ridiculous than the last. It was like this generic set didn’t fit my fingernails. And I decided I like my real nails better. At first I felt like I had failed at doing this task I had been planning for weeks. So at first I was trying to press through and put the rest on anyway. Then I really looked at them and they looked so… not me. So I decided not to put the rest on. The thumb nails looked good, but I removed all the rest of the nails and decided to just “paint” the others for fun and do it my own way (with two press-ons and the rest my real nails).

And that’s when I thought to myself that instead of calling it a “fail” I could just call it a “fun.”

That was gonna be the whole post.

I was going to go on to say how we can try things in life. We can choose not to put this pass/fail label on things, and decide to look at it as “that was fun, but not for me,” “that was fun, at least I tried.” But we don’t have to label it a failure.

But what I just realized, as I was building up to tell the story is something deeper….

I realized that the letdowns over the years, from running excited to share my good news with my parents only to be met with… a lack of enthusiasm or worse criticism… rewired my response to my own joy, creativity, and good news.

I get excited… at first… when I do something I’ve been wanting to do, when I follow through on inspiration, or have a great opportunity fall into my lap. AND very rapidly I shift from that excitement and poke a hole in my happy bubble and start to leak out my excitement.

I make it not a big deal. I start to find what’s wrong with it. I start to think of all the reasons it won’t work. I soon can only see what’s wrong with it and I stop caring about it. Then I shelve it and either go sedentary for a while, or I move on to the next thing.

I realized that I have taken on their role. I tear it apart before anyone else can. I get “real” and see all the reasons people won’t buy it, pay for it, share about it, like it. And I stop loving it.

I’ve trained myself to back my heart out of it to avoid disappointment.

I hated the feeling of trying so hard, working to make everything perfect, going to them for a “good job” or a “this is amazing,” only to receive criticism or a lack of enthusiasm. I loathed the many hours, days, weeks of effort I put into doing exceptionally well in school, or on creating a drawing, craft, etc., only to be met with the most dry, emotionless, “Oh, ok.” “What? You always do that.” “The ear is cut off. You’ll have to do it over.”

I learned to fall out of love with what matters to me before anyone can steal my joy for it. I make my passions feel unimportant before anyone else does. And I didn’t realize I was doing it.

And I see how it’s impacting my business and all I’ve created.

You know what’s hard? Consistently promoting something you’re expecting others won’t appreciate.

Of course, at first, I’m so excited, like, “Look at my shiny new thing. I made it all by myself.” 🥰 But that rapidly turns into, “I know you’re probably busy, but I did this thing, and if it isn’t too much of a bother could you maybe check it out….when you find time…or not… because I totally understand….”

Every time I create something, I’m so proud of myself and excited. And within days, weeks, or months, I’m already over it. And it’s not that I don’t still love it or feel I did a great job on it. It’s that mean inner voice making it small, convincing me no one wants it, no one cares, and that “it’s not good enough because_____.”

I start to pick it apart, find the flaws, and fall out of love with it. I shelve it, start planning a revised version, or come up with a brand new project… something new I can get behind, be excited about, and promote.

I go through this cycle over and over again, with product after project. I stop liking it. I stop promoting it. Then I wonder why I have so much greatness to offer but nobody is buying, ordering, booking.

So today I’m grateful that I leaned into the nudge to start this blog post. I was on here to talk about press-on nails and ended up finding something so much deeper. And, of course, this is just the realization. I haven’t done the work. But awareness comes first. It’s very important.

I’ve gotta find a way to fall back in love with my creations and stop….. No. I have to heal that little girl who ran excited to her parents—with her newly completed art project, beaming with pride—who was met with, “Oh, ok” and “why didn’t you have your sibling help you with that?” 🙄 I need to show up for her and remind her that it’s not a competition and I get to be proud of my growth and my skills, that what I accomplished matters because I know what effort it took for me. And I get to release outside opinions about my work and recognize that people who don’t appreciate what I do are not my target market. They aren’t reflective of every human being. AND their opinions no longer get to change what I believe about what I do, create, or my value.

I get to heal this so it can stop cutting into every creation, every project, all my good things…. and leaking my excitement.

We don’t always realize how those interactions with people in our past and present impact how we show up in our lives. We don’t always see that our voice, our creativity, and even our excitement is colored by past experiences.

So if this message resonates, begin to pay attention to those internal, and external, voices that leak the joy out of your good things. It might be some old messaging, or it might be people in your life currently who don’t create a safe space for your happy stuff. Some people are negative and unsupportive and never see the bright side. Those are not the people you tell your dreams to. They will suck the life out of it before you even get a chance to truly pursue it. It’s natural to want to share our good news. AND we have to be selective when we know their influence can derail us.

And if you, like me, have some old messaging to clear up, know that it’s worth it. You deserve to shine and keep shining, and so do I.

*** Below are a few of my good things that I stopped sharing. ****

Tap the images to learn more about each and see options: