MDillon Designs & Publishing

A Little Too Honest

Living with ADHD without love is hard. I’m not talking about an intimate relationship. I’m talking about having loving, kind, caring support when life for you is really hard. And to be clear, I’m also not saying on tough days. All the days are tough… for me. So to have been on this earth for over 17,000 tough days, with very little to no help for most of them, is… tough.

Today, I was driving home and at the biggest light, on the busiest street, at the busiest time of day, my car began to violently shake. And immediately the terror stored from all the past moments when my previous old cars, that I also couldn’t afford to replace, began to shake violently, while in this kind of heat, sitting at a big light, with this many cars at a long light (or in a packed drive thru line), came rushing back to me. And I began to say, “No no no. Not now. Not now! Change. Change! Turn green. Turn green!!!” And I began to pat my thigh to calm myself. And I began to slow my breathing down and whisper to myself, with shaky breath, (as if I was speaking to a small child who just woke from a nightmare), “All is well. All is well. It’s gonna be okay. All is well.” And the light changed green. And I thought, “Okay, we survived the light, everything’s gonna be alright. I’m only 5 cars back. I definitely can make this and then I’m okay.” And then car number 3 started a conversation with the guy in the suit, selling the bean pies, and we all stopped moving forward And I began to panic again. My rage started to waft back up. And I hit my horn. A little more than a quick toot. And the Final Call guy looked back at us, and driver number 3 rolled forward just a little as a reflex, and then stopped again to keep talking. And I hit my horn again a little longer this time. (I didn’t want to be rude. I understood. I’ve delayed the line a bit to give a dollar to a person with a sign. But my car was trying to die. I needed them to keep it moving.) Suit guy looked back again, and car number three rolled forward a bit and stopped again. And kept talking! And I lost it. I laid on my horn…… until they got the message and the peer pressure got them to roll those tires and keep rolling. And I made it through that light, and the next. And I was so relieved, because I knew I’d be okay, because I’d take the side streets the rest of the way. No lights. Just stop signs. And I’d get home safe.

And as I neared the intersection to turn toward my house, I thought “I should stop and get gas. Maybe that’s why the car nearly died.” And immediately my mind rolled back the tape of what just happened, and warned me that I’d have to go through the same thing again to get to the gas station. And that terror was so overwhelming that immediately turned to go home.

And I was angry, because I knew it was more responsible to go and get gas. And then I thought that I need to get home and check my cars fluids, because it could be something else. And then I was angry because there’s always something else. I have no help. I am the answer to everything that needs to be done.

And I thought of how I made it to the finish line of another school year and couldn’t even rest because there’s a big birthday being planned. And I thought of all I’d been through the last day (the trip to urgent care), the last week (the storm and the power outage), the last month (all kinds of drama and meetings and appointments), the last six months (losing my dearest friend when I was already depressed). And I said to no one, “I need a break. I just need it to stop. I need it to stop! I JUST NEED IT TO STOPPPPPPP!!!!!!”

It’s hard as f*ck to go through life without support. It’s hard as f*ck to go through sh*t storm after sh*t storm without companionship. Single parenting without a community is hard. Being f*cking celibate is hard. But when you have nothing left, how do you even find community, companionship, support?

I’m tired. When do I get a break? This constant bullshit*t, this constant hard, the constant tough days with no loving, caring support…. It’s just… tough. And I’ve been navigating tough primarily solo for over 17,000 days….

You could stop reading here, if you want. I fully vented. Thank you for reading. AND if you have it in you, I also wrote this…

What I needed…. well, wish I had…

I wish someone saw how hard it was for me… the process… rather than how behind I was/am…. the results. All my life I’ve been judged by my output, but no one took the time to look at the struggle. No one saw that I worked 10 times as hard to still fail at completing a task. No one thought that there could be a reason why I kept making the same mistakes, they just got irritated… every time. Nobody saw the patterns and thought, “I wonder if this is normal.” No one thought, “This is something she consistently struggles with, maybe she needs help.”

Instead, they said, “She’s lazy. She’s not trying. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She just doesn’t have any ambition,” and other hurtful things like that. Everyone assumed the worst… that I didn’t care and didn’t try. So they didn’t help. They felt I was capable and choosing not to do more. They had no idea how hard I have always been pushing and how exhausting that is. I needed someone to see me and help me. But all I got was labeled and criticized.

Have I received any assistance in my lifetime?

Absolutely. And I am grateful. The loving, caring kind has been very rare. But the kind that makes you feel like sh*t for needing it, oh yeah. I’ve definitely received that. I’ve had to give up what felt like my last shred of dignity and pride more times than I can count. Because when you need a dollar, whether they hand it to you nicely or crumple it up and throw it, it still spends. I’ve received plenty of help that felt like a thrown, crumpled dollar. “Here. Take this $20. I know your little job ain’t paying that much.” “I’m gonna help you, but this is the last time.” “You ought to be a shamed of yourself. You have a master’s degree.”

My whole life I’ve had people who grudgingly helped me when things got so bad that I had no choice but ask. And I am a person that would sooner starve than ask. There was a season where I lost a noticeable and concerning amount of weight. But rather than send a surprise monetary gift or ask if I was okay, the people in my life discussed my weight loss behind my back. And it wasn’t until years later in conversation that found out they all noticed. I went away to school and never received care packages or a surprise card with cash in it. If I didn’t ask, nothing was voluntarily given. I was on my own. I’ve always been on my own.

And to be honest, the more struggles I’ve had to go though and figure out solo, the more I’ve had to carry myself without loving, caring support, and truly the more I reflect on it all with adult eyes and see how really f*cked up, and underserved it is, the more tired I feel.

I deserved so much better. And just like I did in traffic, just like I did through childhood, the teen years, college, and now through single parenting, I am still talking myself through it, being my own support system, patting my own thigh and saying, “All is well.”

Again, thanks for reading.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Maybe It’s Not Personal

Kinda random, but this was on my mind so I thought I’d share it.

There are a lot of things that society views as signs of disrespect or shadiness that actually sometimes are due to other challenges.

Examples:

– People will assume a person is lying because they don’t make eye contact. But many neurodivergent people find eye contact uncomfortable.

– Being late is another thing that people consider a sign of disrespect and a lack of care regarding other people’s time. But people who deal with social anxiety and challenges like ADHD can often be late due to overthinking, inaccurate planning, time blindness, and other things that are actually outside of their control, or require management, practice, and awareness that they may not have.

– Your friend that isn’t returning your calls might be depressed.

When we make assumptions about people’s intentions, without assuming the best of them first, we offend ourselves and create distance in our relationships. Of course sometimes people are actually being shady or dishonest, but that is not always the case.

Not everyone is disrespecting you. They might just be dealing with their own stuff and sometimes they might not even be aware of what they’re dealing with.

That’s why compassion matters. You may be mad at someone, because of the assumptions you’re making about them. But what if you’re wrong? Often when people voice their negative assumptions, the person does not contradict them. They just let them believe the worst. Because they didn’t argue, it’s assumed that the assumptions were right. But often that’s not the case.

Someone told me a story they’ve been believing about me, that they heard from someone I don’t even speak to anymore. At first I started to defend myself. Then I thought about it. If that’s what they think of me, that they would believe that lie, then they can continue to believe that. The fact that they believed it tells me more about where we stand than anything. I told them go ahead and believe it….

Choose to assume the best of those who have not intentionally hurt you before. If the person has been consistently inconsistent in their behavior and their words and actions don’t match up, or they’ve shown or expressed that they don’t care, that’s different. Move accordingly. However, if they seem to love you and have shown that they care, but they showed up late to your birthday party, don’t take that to mean they don’t care about you.

Don’t assume that you know why they did/didn’t do what you expected. Ask them. And do so in a way that doesn’t put them on the defensive. Just so you know, asking a question that begins with, “Why” puts automatically puts people on the defensive. In order to answer it, they have to defend their choice. This tends to cause conversations to go really badly. However simply changing to a “What” question creates an opportunity for calm, respectful dialogue. (Well, unless your question is, “What the hell were you thinking?” 😂

Let me show you examples.
“Why didn’t you care enough about me to show up on time for our date?” vs
“What happened? I thought we were meeting at 8.”

“Why do I always have to be the one to initiate conversations lately. You can’t call me?”
“What’s been going on lately? I haven’t heard from you.”

“Why can’t you look me in the eye? You’re lying aren’t you?”
“What would make you feel more comfortable with this conversation? You seem distracted. Am I wrong?”

By asking “What” questions instead of “Why” questions, we leave room for possible conversations and understanding we didn’t anticipate. Maybe they were late because they had a blowout on the way, and did their best to change the tire and still arrive. Or maybe they received bad news or a phone call that even you would have made time for, and they were driving so they couldn’t shoot you a text to say they were running late. Maybe your friend received a diagnosis or lost their job and they needed a minute to process things solo before telling anyone. If you come out the gate angry, you could lose a friendship, or hurt someone you care about who is already hurting.

Let’s make a habit of assuming the best of those who we choose to have in our lives. If the worst is their typical behavior, then we might have some other questions to ask ourselves. (And if it’s your child, that’s a whole different story that my course, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship, addresses.)

But when we’re dealing with the good people we’ve chosen to keep in our lives, we can choose to assume the best of them. When moments of annoyance come up, we can think to ourselves, “Since I’m assuming that they care about me/respect my time, I wonder what else could have happened/be going on.” And then we can ask them. Because maybe the reason is something we never considered and when we don’t assume the worst, we open opportunities for the truth to come out. And let me tell you from experience, it’s often not what you thought.

One of the greatest gifts I gave my relationship with my daughter was to start asking, “What were you trying to do?” rather than an angry, “Why would you do that?!” Most of the time her reason was actually rooted in good intentions.

As a neurodivergent human, I have been on the other end of those hurtful assumptions and “Why” questions far too many times. I’ve been mistreated and judged wrongfully my whole life, but I’ve always been a person with good intentions.

Few things hurt more than when I arrive late to an event, or to meet up with someone, and I’m met with anger, annoyance, and hurtful judgements about being inconsiderate, saying that I don’t care, that I don’t respect their time. If I’ve fought through all kinds of stuff to show up and the first thing the person says is a sarcastic, “glad you finally decided to show up,” it’s so deflating. I deal with social anxiety, outrageously crippling levels of overthinking, and I am already upset that I am late. I showed up because I knew it mattered to them for me to be there. And most times for me attending an event/being social in person is like climbing Everest, in stilettos, during a hail storm. I likely had been worrying since the day prior about getting there, being on time, etc. and the worrying instead of prepping (which is outside my control because of ADHD) is probably the reason I was late. I always intend to, and try really hard to be on time (or just to show up at all), so receiving all that negative energy after all it took for me to get there is so hurtful. It’s like making it to the top of Everest under those conditions and the first person you see says, “You’re late. You might as well of stayed home.”

If I show up late, or miss an event, it’s typically not personal. I honestly at this point in my life am more likely to not attend than to show up. If you have an event every weekend, every few months, etc., I’m not coming to all of those. You might get me to attend one and I’m gonna choose the biggest one. I just don’t have the capacity.

It has nothing to do with how much I love you. It’s really about how much I love me. I am no longer sacrificing my mental health so people think good of me. If you don’t already see me as good, and love me unconditionally, carry on.

And you get to hold the same boundaries. Stop giving all you have to prove you’re a good person. Let them believe what they want. The people who really love you, the way you deserve to be loved, don’t require you to constantly prove it. Or at least that’s what I believe.

Let’s stop assuming the worst of the ones we love. Let’s start asking questions. And let’s continue being kind to ourselves and those we care about.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Allies Aren’t Angry Enough

Can I be honest? I’m so tired of these no kings rallies and protests. I honestly eyeroll every time I see a march, if it’s just a march.

Hear me out….

Gathering in solidarity is not bad. It’s an awesome thing to see the numbers of people who agree on these important topics. But standing together with some signs doesn’t do sh*t in regard to actual change. Maybe if all those people gather together and collectively got on the phone with their representatives calling over and over until each and every one of them had voiced their concerns, I might say that it’s of value. Or if they collectively, simultaneously tweeted, messaged, and @ tagged the relevant politicians and judges, while at these rallies creating a trending picture that “broke the Internet.” Or better than that, because they’d probably still benefit from the engagement… If every single person at those rallies collectively disabled their social media accounts and didn’t reactivate them until there was change….

Maybe if those marches landed at the homes of the people who are creating, promoting, and/or voting in favor of these policies, or picketing was outside their children’s schools…. Nonviolent, not law breaking, but doing enough in large enough numbers to make people feel uncomfortable, and that they can’t just go on with their lives as usual, because these gatherings are actually impacting them. Then, I would say these are gatherings are high value.

I strongly believe that allies just aren’t doing enough to make people in power uncomfortable. Shutting down a highway on the weekend has a lot less impact than shutting it down at 9am Monday morning, and again on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday… until concerns are addressed. I think that’s what’s missing in these marches and protests and social media posts. There’s no actual discomfort imposed on those who have the power to do something.

Standing up with banners saying “we don’t like this” does not create change. It doesn’t impact them so they don’t care. We aren’t seeing things shift because the actions being taken don’t bother them. The bus boycotts back in the day impacted them because they were losing money. People not showing up to work causes businesses to lose money and cause production delays. Everybody spending as usual, continuing to feed their cash cows (Meta, ChatGPT, Amazon, Whole Foods, Walmart, Target, Home Depot, Dunkin Donuts, etc. ) and showing up on a random Saturday to hold up signs doesn’t do sh*t.

Finally openly agreeing with marginalized groups that sh*t is f*cked up doesn’t change a damn thing. Change only comes when people who can change things are made to feel uncomfortable… when their money and their peace are disturbed in an ongoing manner. And I don’t understand why nobody seems to get that.

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Just Bein’ Honest

Every time I visit my website and see the same post sitting there I feel so…. frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, confused, and just kinda over it. I have so much to say, but life has been so full, so exhausting, so all-encompassing that I can’t believe I haven’t posted.

Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.

FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

I’ve been recording podcasts, but not having enough time or energy to get them up. I’ve been writing sh*t and not finishing my thoughts. I’ve been starting and stopping and not getting stuff up and because life is soooo MUCH right now, I am sad that I’ve left the one thing that brings me so much… exhale…

It’s hard, but I’m trying….

And I keep forgiving myself every time I see that same post is sitting at the top of my blog page, because how is that the last thing I posted? How has life gotten that out of control that I haven’t been back to say more, to share more, to tell a new story?

How… is… this… my… life?

I went out with family this weekend and in the back of mind there’s the fear, “Is this the last time we’re all together?” I can’t miss family events, even though I’m tired as f*ck and being around people drains me to dry rot bones. But I have to say yes, because what if that was the last time? What if that was our last opportunity to laugh together, share inside jokes, smile at each other, just be… normal, us…?

I’m exhausted from the worry. I’m exhausted from the year and it’s not even near over. But it feels like this has been the LONGEST YEAR OF MY LIFE. I’m tired and I’m in tears, because why… is… it… so… f*cking… haaard?

I got on here because I was about to make a “struggle meal.” I don’t have food in my house. I’m out of money. I don’t have more money coming in ’til next month (or if I beg for an advance, the end of this month). Today is the 1st and I’ve already spent all my income for this month. That is my reality. I have $9 left in my account, I think.

I’m so tired of living like this. I’m too smart to be living like this. I’m too gifted to be living like this. I give too much to be living like this. But this is my reality.

I have a disability that I didn’t even know was present until two… maybe 3 now years ago. I didn’t recognize it as a disability until the end of last year. I have been struggling my whole life. I never made enough money. I never could work full time. I never could keep up with it all. And I thought it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough. I just kept trying, and trying, and trying.

I kept looking at the people around me… the people I advised, the people who came to me when they needed guidance, the people who finished the programs I dropped out of, the people who had the income and degrees and the houses and the cars and the upgrades. All these people came to me for counsel, for advice, for encouragement. They all came to me for my wisdom, so why was I broke and they all were doing sooo well?

Why was I the friend that spent the night on their couch to get away from it all? Why was I the friend they had to “foot the bill” for and invite out if they ever wanted to see me? Why was I the one who was constantly shocking them with the new thing that I was doing, had done, could do that was so oh my god amazing, but I was the broke friend, the one who could never get the tab, the one who hated networking events because what was I gonna tell them when they ask, “So what do you do?”

I have gone my whole life feeling so out of place, struggling to keep up with people who saw me as the “smart one.” I remember being in school getting straight A’s, or at least being on the honor roll, but terrified to be called on in class because I had no idea what the f*ck the teacher was talking about, much less the answer. I hated having to go to the board. I knew I wasn’t just going to get it wrong. I didn’t even know the steps. It was embarrassing.

I went through grade school passing tests and quizzes by teaching myself what I couldn’t learn in class. I wanted to do extra credit, but it was only offered if you finished your work in class. I could NEVER finish my work in class, because I was distracted by the noises in the silence.

When everyone was focused and working, the room would be so quiet. So I’d start reading a passage and then someone would drop their pencil, or start tapping/clicking their pen and I’d have to start the passage all over again. I couldn’t remember what I read. When the teacher was at the board explaining something new, I’d be with her until she said that one thing that didn’t make sense to me. I’d be trying to figure it out and miss all the rest of her explanation. So when she said, “Okay, if there are no questions, we can move on,” I’d just sit there quietly knowing I didn’t understand, but I didn’t want the whole class to sigh and get mad at me for keeping them from moving forward. So I’d add that lesson to the list of things to teach myself before the next day, next quiz, next test.

And now, as a parent, I’m still just getting through it. Hustling to get money to pay for this new thing or that, to cover back-to-school, then homecoming, then Christmas, then birthdays, and all the must-spend-time-with-friends events in between. I have been dragging myself through life since I was a kid. Never really enjoying it. Mostly surviving it and enjoying a few peaceful, stress-free, no-one-wants-anything-from-me moments along the way.

I’ve been existing. Not living.

And I’ve reached a point in my life where it’s harder to drag myself through it. I’m starting to not just want more, I need it. I’m at a point where the martyr who takes care of everyone else’s needs and just shelves my own is too worn out to keep it up.

I want to be… alive. I feel like a f*cking zombie and I want to know what it’s like to live, to… enjoy life… to enjoy living. I want to know what that is. I want that to be my experience, too.

And I smile at the thought…. Then, I look at my bank account and remember it costs money to do that. I remember my current limitations and that happy dream gets kinda blurry. And I look around, gather the ingredients that don’t really go together and think of how I’m gonna make a “struggle meal” out of these items so I don’t go hungry. And I know that worst come to worst, I’ll use my dad’s card and get my daughter something great to eat. And I tuck my dreams away for another day and try not to feel they’re fully impossible. And I tell myself that it’s not that bad. And I list the reasons I can be grateful. And I fulfill my role responsibilities. And I watch a show that makes me laugh. And I scroll until I feel a bit lighter. Then I put on my air sounds and water sounds and go to bed and do the same sh*t again tomorrow.

And I tell no one because I should be grateful, right? And I share bits of my story… only the empowering parts, because I don’t want to discourage anyone. And I continue feeling lonely because who would want to be with a broke grown woman who can’t get her sh*t together. And I push that thought to the background because we’re only supposed to focus on what we want. And I never share it because who would care anyway?

And there you have it. That’s my truth.

Ways to support my work…

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Thank you for your kindness. No amount is too small. It all helps this neurodivergent single mom keep doing what I love, sharing my stories, insights and epiphanies.

Thank you for being here. Please use the links above. Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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