What Derailed You: On Taking Your Life Back

Fairly recently I thought back to when I was doing all the things, walking fully in my purpose, doing the thing I love the most. And then it ended. But what changed?

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist’s quote: “If you’ve been in survival mode for a long time, and can remember when you were thriving, it may be powerful to begin to heal the trauma that derailed you.” The quote appears in large bold white text with a subtle dark drop shadow over a photograph of a city train traveling on elevated tracks between downtown buildings, reinforcing the theme of being derailed and finding a way forward. “Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist” appears in white script across the top of the image and again as the attribution beneath the quote. A small Share & Let’s Live! podcast logo watermark with a microphone appears in the bottom-right corner. The footer displays "mdillondesigns.com/blog"
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

I’d been asking myself that for so many years, while simultaneously just doing the best I could with where I am now. And then one day, I counted back and realized that a major traumatic experience took place that same year when I was thriving and shining. And I’ve been just dealing with the fallout and doing my usual Energizer Bunny thing. I just kept going and going and going. There’s no time for healing when you’re a single parent (most of the time). When you’re simultaneously dealing with back to back blows and trauma, while raising a child solo, who can really stop and heal for real?

I’ve been in therapy on and off for years, but never about that stuff. I had to deal with the present. And what I now see is that the one MAJOR event that I blocked out has had me running alongside the tracks of my life, trying to still get there, but working real hard with little results. The ADHD thing is definitely involved. And there are some other things that are definitely involved. But the main thing… the real thing…. is that THAT thing derailed me. And I am honestly just now realizing, I never got back on the tracks. So I guess I gotta figure out how to heal that thing. And recognizing it is a huge step in getting there.

I explain it better on the podcast, so press play above. I’ve gotta story to tell you. And if it helps you see things you might need to address in your own life, please share this post, because someone you’re connected to might need to hear this message.

Thanks for being here and for reading. Please press play above to listen to today’s podcast.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Which Came 1st the Thought or the Feeling?

I’ve had a therapist debate me on this, but I think they’re wrong. 😂 I strongly believe that our thoughts guide our feelings.

For the sake of this post, and this practice that has worked for me countless times, let’s just assume she’s wrong and I’m right.

Okay. Let me explain…

Sometimes when I’m feeling “bad,” I pause and have a brief, mood-shifting convo with myself…

  1. First, I identify how I’m feeling (sad, anxious, depressed, etc.).
  2. Then, I acknowledge that if I am feeling that way, that means I’m thinking (insert same emotion) thoughts.
  3. And then I choose what emotion I’d prefer feeling. Say the same sentence again inserting the preferred emotion. And then I ask myself what I could do, think, focus on instead to feel that way. And I usually shift.

Of course sometimes I’m too bothered, or too upset to access this practice. I don’t do this all the time. However, there are times when I suddenly find myself feeling down and I honestly don’t want to feel that way. And if this practice comes to mind, I do it. And it works each time. So I thought I’d share it with you. A little something you can add to your toolbox.

Here’s an example, if you need one….

“How am I feeling right now? I’m feeling sad. In order to feel sad I must be thinking sad thoughts. Right now I’d rather feel grateful. So in order to feel grateful, I need to think grateful thoughts. What can I think about/focus on/do right now, to help me feel grateful?” And then I do that thing.

I say all of this aloud (to myself). I’m typically alone so it’s easier. But I’m sure it would work similarly in a journal. It’s easy to get distracted or not follow through if I just think it. How I’m feeling may override the process. So it’s best to be actively engaged, as if you’re interviewing yourself. Answer the questions. Think about your answers. And follow through.

Hope this helps.

It’s empowering to choose how we want to feel. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling all our feelings. And it’s equally nothing wrong with choosing that we’d rather feel better in a given moment and give ourselves that gift of a pivot.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Painting My Way Out of Depression

The other day I was feeling really down. And as I sat in my car by the river, I talked myself into following through on an inspired idea. I didn’t feel like it. But it was a beautiful day and earlier I had thought it might be a cool idea to paint by the river.

In the following videos I tell the story of what I did that day and how I used art as therapy for myself. I did healing inner child work while I painted. I engaged in non-stop encouraging self-talk while I painted. It was the most beautiful time.

I’d like to share the story with you, as well as the painting.

This is new… a three part story… told as I display my art. I hope you gain from it. Please overlook my shaky camera work. Multitasking with ADHD can sometimes be challenging for me. Focus on what I’m saying. The videos are empowering. Plus, you’ll get to see my finished painting, and a special surprise guest!

The individual videos are short. About 3 minutes a piece. And worth watching.

So tap/press play on the videos below to hear the full story.

BTW I don’t believe I cussed in any of these, but choose your environment well to be on the safe side. lol

Here’s Part 1…

And Part 2…

And…. Part 3!

Thank you for being here, and for checking these out.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

If you are interested in purchasing my new painting (or any prints, merch, etc., that I may produce if ADHD is kind) or would like to share encouraging words, please comment below. Thank you so much.

A Little Too Honest

Living with ADHD without love is hard. I’m not talking about an intimate relationship. I’m talking about having loving, kind, caring support when life for you is really hard. And to be clear, I’m also not saying on tough days. All the days are tough… for me. So to have been on this earth for over 17,000 tough days, with very little to no help for most of them, is… tough.

Today, I was driving home and at the biggest light, on the busiest street, at the busiest time of day, my car began to violently shake. And immediately the terror stored from all the past moments when my previous old cars, that I also couldn’t afford to replace, began to shake violently, while in this kind of heat, sitting at a big light, with this many cars at a long light (or in a packed drive thru line), came rushing back to me. And I began to say, “No no no. Not now. Not now! Change. Change! Turn green. Turn green!!!” And I began to pat my thigh to calm myself. And I began to slow my breathing down and whisper to myself, with shaky breath, (as if I was speaking to a small child who just woke from a nightmare), “All is well. All is well. It’s gonna be okay. All is well.” And the light changed green. And I thought, “Okay, we survived the light, everything’s gonna be alright. I’m only 5 cars back. I definitely can make this and then I’m okay.” And then car number 3 started a conversation with the guy in the suit, selling the bean pies, and we all stopped moving forward And I began to panic again. My rage started to waft back up. And I hit my horn. A little more than a quick toot. And the Final Call guy looked back at us, and driver number 3 rolled forward just a little as a reflex, and then stopped again to keep talking. And I hit my horn again a little longer this time. (I didn’t want to be rude. I understood. I’ve delayed the line a bit to give a dollar to a person with a sign. But my car was trying to die. I needed them to keep it moving.) Suit guy looked back again, and car number three rolled forward a bit and stopped again. And kept talking! And I lost it. I laid on my horn…… until they got the message and the peer pressure got them to roll those tires and keep rolling. And I made it through that light, and the next. And I was so relieved, because I knew I’d be okay, because I’d take the side streets the rest of the way. No lights. Just stop signs. And I’d get home safe.

And as I neared the intersection to turn toward my house, I thought “I should stop and get gas. Maybe that’s why the car nearly died.” And immediately my mind rolled back the tape of what just happened, and warned me that I’d have to go through the same thing again to get to the gas station. And that terror was so overwhelming that immediately turned to go home.

And I was angry, because I knew it was more responsible to go and get gas. And then I thought that I need to get home and check my cars fluids, because it could be something else. And then I was angry because there’s always something else. I have no help. I am the answer to everything that needs to be done.

And I thought of how I made it to the finish line of another school year and couldn’t even rest because there’s a big birthday being planned. And I thought of all I’d been through the last day (the trip to urgent care), the last week (the storm and the power outage), the last month (all kinds of drama and meetings and appointments), the last six months (losing my dearest friend when I was already depressed). And I said to no one, “I need a break. I just need it to stop. I need it to stop! I JUST NEED IT TO STOPPPPPPP!!!!!!”

It’s hard as f*ck to go through life without support. It’s hard as f*ck to go through sh*t storm after sh*t storm without companionship. Single parenting without a community is hard. Being f*cking celibate is hard. But when you have nothing left, how do you even find community, companionship, support?

I’m tired. When do I get a break? This constant bullshit*t, this constant hard, the constant tough days with no loving, caring support…. It’s just… tough. And I’ve been navigating tough primarily solo for over 17,000 days….

You could stop reading here, if you want. I fully vented. Thank you for reading. AND if you have it in you, I also wrote this…

What I needed…. well, wish I had…

I wish someone saw how hard it was for me… the process… rather than how behind I was/am…. the results. All my life I’ve been judged by my output, but no one took the time to look at the struggle. No one saw that I worked 10 times as hard to still fail at completing a task. No one thought that there could be a reason why I kept making the same mistakes, they just got irritated… every time. Nobody saw the patterns and thought, “I wonder if this is normal.” No one thought, “This is something she consistently struggles with, maybe she needs help.”

Instead, they said, “She’s lazy. She’s not trying. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She just doesn’t have any ambition,” and other hurtful things like that. Everyone assumed the worst… that I didn’t care and didn’t try. So they didn’t help. They felt I was capable and choosing not to do more. They had no idea how hard I have always been pushing and how exhausting that is. I needed someone to see me and help me. But all I got was labeled and criticized.

Have I received any assistance in my lifetime?

Absolutely. And I am grateful. The loving, caring kind has been very rare. But the kind that makes you feel like sh*t for needing it, oh yeah. I’ve definitely received that. I’ve had to give up what felt like my last shred of dignity and pride more times than I can count. Because when you need a dollar, whether they hand it to you nicely or crumple it up and throw it, it still spends. I’ve received plenty of help that felt like a thrown, crumpled dollar. “Here. Take this $20. I know your little job ain’t paying that much.” “I’m gonna help you, but this is the last time.” “You ought to be a shamed of yourself. You have a master’s degree.”

My whole life I’ve had people who grudgingly helped me when things got so bad that I had no choice but ask. And I am a person that would sooner starve than ask. There was a season where I lost a noticeable and concerning amount of weight. But rather than send a surprise monetary gift or ask if I was okay, the people in my life discussed my weight loss behind my back. And it wasn’t until years later in conversation that found out they all noticed. I went away to school and never received care packages or a surprise card with cash in it. If I didn’t ask, nothing was voluntarily given. I was on my own. I’ve always been on my own.

And to be honest, the more struggles I’ve had to go though and figure out solo, the more I’ve had to carry myself without loving, caring support, and truly the more I reflect on it all with adult eyes and see how really f*cked up, and underserved it is, the more tired I feel.

I deserved so much better. And just like I did in traffic, just like I did through childhood, the teen years, college, and now through single parenting, I am still talking myself through it, being my own support system, patting my own thigh and saying, “All is well.”

Again, thanks for reading.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist