To Be Honest, I’m P*ssed

When I look at my life and what it is, versus what it could be with supports, it’s the most gut-wrenching, soul destroying feeling in the pit of my stomach….

To be clear, I still don’t have that diagnosis, but there are LOTS of signs that I probably should. I have been diagnosed with ADHD though. 

I think the thing that makes it most bile-like is knowing that I could have had a completely different life, if my society was not structured around sameness and patriarchal values. If only I had been born into a society that valued women (beyond our ability to cook, clean, bear and raise children, oh and “service” men), the multitude of signs and symptoms that I exhibited since childhood would have been seen as indications of a processing disorder, rather than “oh she’s just being a girl.” 🙄

Since the standards for ADHD and other neurodiverse circumstances are primarily based on how these conditions present in males, likely hundreds of thousands of women have gone without diagnoses, and the supports that would have allowed us to maximize our potential.

Can I tell you something that’s been secretly irking me? It bothers me that when I share with about the challenges I experience with ADHD, some of my male friends will say they deal with those same symptoms, but they’re on medication/have been since childhood. And I secretly assume that they’ve been provided the coping supports because they’re male. I know I shouldn’t assume, but admittedly for the first few seconds that’s where my mind goes. And I feel a bit jealous.

On the other hand, when I share my challenges with my female friends, they often say variations of, “Oh my goodness. That so sounds like me. Maybe I need to be assessed.” And that alone makes me want to keep sharing, because I figured out that I had something going on because of a Facebook post.

Why do I talk about ADHD all the time?
Because I saw a post that changed the course of my life. It said, “Tell me you’re neurodivergent without telling me you’re neurodivergent.” And as I read through the comments section, nearly every comment sounded like me. I mean, odd things that I thought only I did/experienced. And I didn’t relate to just 2, or even 5, comments. I read 100 comments and related to 98! It was then that I finally decided to listen to my therapist and get assessed.

So am I writing this today?
Well, this morning as I was making breakfast, I started thinking about things in my life that have gone to sh*t as a result of the challenges I deal with and the lack of supports to make things easier. The more I thought of the multitude of consequences and losses, the angrier I became. I thought about all the life I didn’t get to have, all the things I didn’t accomplish, all my daughter went without, because no one cared to notice that ADHD tends to present itself differently in females.

I was struggling in grade school every single day, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t fit the description of a student dealing with processing/cognitive challenges. I remember in kindergarten a classmate used to leave class for part of the day and go with a different teacher. I heard what others students said as they looked down on him for having to go to the “LD class.” But I wanted to know for myself, so I asked him why he had to go wit that lady. He told me that he goes with her and she helps him with work and explains things to him so he can better understand. And my immediate reaction was, “I want that. Can I go? I would like help, too.” And he told me that I probably couldn’t go. He told me that he had failed kindergarten before and that’s why he had to go. And I realize now, as I’m sharing this, that this conversation was one of my earliest experiences of learning that even though I needed help, I didn’t match what it looked like to qualify for these supports. I wasn’t going to get any help.

And that’s exactly what I experienced. My teachers knew I wasn’t catching on. They would keep trying to explain something to me until they said they needed to get back to the class and then they’d either leave me to figure it out or in frustration ask a parent volunteer work with me (on the days they were actually there). I learned so much when I had that one-on-one support, but it was sporadic. I was struggling in my classes all through grammar school, but not one teacher acknowledged my struggles. And I can’t really be mad at them, because they weren’t equipped with the knowledge that these were signs that I was dealing with a processing disorder. Honestly, even the teachers and administrators now don’t know to identify students that may be dealing with a processing challenge. Well, at least not the girls….

I didn’t fit the known description of a student with ADHD. I was a child who sat quietly and didn’t get in trouble. Even though I struggled everyday, I got excellent grades. But nobody asked me how I got those good grades.

No, I wasn’t cheating. I would never do that. I was afraid of my mother. So afraid that in order to get good grades I taught myself everything I didn’t learn in school that day. I brought all my textbooks home at night and fought through the homework, reteaching myself the lessons so I could pass tests and quizzes so I wouldn’t get in trouble. I was my own teacher through grammar school, high school, and all the way up to my master’s. There are very few classes where I got it when the teacher said it. I had to learn it on my own time….

And honestly that’s how I’ve been going through life… finding my own ways and my own hacks to do the stuff everyone else does naturally. I’m putting in far more time to do the tasks that others do as second nature. And I’ve been doing that for over 40 years.

And now it’s starting to catch up with me. I’m tired from constantly taking 7 steps to make 1. I’m tired of being behind… I was gonna say “behind my peers,” but my journey is so odd and delayed, I don’t even have any peers. All the people who were jealous of me in grade school for being on the honor roll, have far exceeded what I’ve managed to accomplish…. Granted I have done some things that the average person may not have done—like the books, podcast, and my online course. But the basics? They’ve got me beat. I don’t have my own house. I’ve never bought a car, or even leased one. It can easily take me 6 months to make a 6 minute phone call.

And what’s worse is that despite the challenges I deal with, I still don’t have any supports in place. So I still am expected to show up in life like any other adult. And that’s hard. I go through life masking Monday through Friday and hiding (or hibernating) on the weekends just so I have enough energy to do it again. AND. THAT. IS. EXHAUSTING.

So lately, most days once I handle my domestic duties and get my child off to school, I’ve got nothing left. I do my best throughout the day to reboot, but I usually don’t get my energy back until about a half hour before my alarm goes off saying it’s time to go pick my daughter up from school. So all my work plans, never got done. Podcasts I planned to post, still haven’t been edited. Blogs don’t get posted. (Right now I am working on this to get it posted before bed. I should be asleep, as it’s 1:50am currently. But I couldn’t stand to get to another bedtime knowing I didn’t get my sh*t posted. I just couldn’t. So today I’m staying up and hopefully I’ll wake up feeling rested 5 hours from now. 😩

But anyway, blah blah blah… I just yawned so hard I heard the hinge of my jaw click. So I’m gonna end this without the fancy bow…. by just saying, I share about my diagnosis, and even about my self-diagnosis, because I don’t believe in “misery loves company.” I am a person who wants to save you steps. I am someone who will share my story (and the lessons) so you don’t have to go through all I’ve gone through. And my hope is that by bring awareness, I am: helping women to see themselves and consider being assessed, helping other neurodivergent humans recognize that you are not alone, and I even hope that the things I share will reach the right “ears” (well, eyes… oh yeah.. the podcast. I clearly need to get to sleep. 😂)…. and lead to some changes (whether in the schools, or in how more women and girls are being assessed… something.

I just have the audacity to believe that everything has purpose and that something good will come of all the challenges…. that even my tough stuff can be used for good.

Anywho, I’m no longer coherent so I’m gonna end this here.

Thank you for being here and thank you for reading. I really, truly appreciate you. This journey of mine is lonely and you taking the time really means a lot to me. I hope that my words help, empower, encourage, inspire, or at least entertain you.

Be kind to yourself.

And as always….

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Cheap Love Is Far Too Expensive

Don’t let loneliness cause you to connect with the wrong person.

Some relationships can take decades to heal from. If I could tell my former self one thing that could have saved me so much loss and pain, it would be pay attention to what you see not what he says.

Don’t ignore what you observe. Don’t make yourself out to be the crazy one because what you see doesn’t match with what he says. He’s not in a bad season. He’s not just tired or frustrated with work. If it’s been going on for a while, this is who he is, likely who he’s always been (his mask is off now), and possibly who he has become. And he’s not changing back.

(BTW I assume this could apply to any gender/human. Note that I am speaking from my own experiences and observations. This is not an anti-men post. I love men and don’t assume that all men are the same.)

Far too often we fall in love with someone’s representative, and then when they change into their real self we believe what they tell us is the reason for the change. Don’t gaslight yourself. You see what you see. You observe what you observe.

And one more thing that I would tell my former self is to pay attention to the way they treat others. You’re not special… forever. Special treatment wears off. How they treat others in their life, they will eventually treat you.

In some relationships you can lose a lot more than you think. (I am still experiencing losses from the role left by a relationship that ended nearly 20 years ago.) I was so busy looking for “signs” and so terrified of missing out on my one opportunity at finding “the one,” that I ignored all of the red flags. I completely changed course because I bought into the lie that the worst thing I woman could do with her life is be single and childless. That fear that was conditioned into me since childhood, through TV, movies, society, church, and culture, completely hijacked my plans and left me with one gift and a whole lot of losses.

A bad relationship can completely reroute your life. You can lose opportunities, money, family, friends, health, and worst of all, you can lose yourself.

Some things you’ll lose forever. Others you may get back in time. I’m still gradually remembering who I was before him (the unapologetically strong, independent, and courageous individual I was back then). I’d rather be lonely than allow somebody to take as much from me as he did.

Don’t ignore red flags. They are not decorations. Don’t ignore your gut instincts. Keep your eyes and ears open. Check if their words match their actions, of who they say they are is backed by behavior. Look at the situation objectively by imagining someone you really love being in your position. What advice would you give them? What would you believe is in their best interest? Take your own loving advice. You deserve the best and nothing less.

Don’t make your life decisions through loneliness. Choose love that feels like love. The losses from choosing the cheap alternative in the end are so not worth it.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

From Bullsh*t to Blessed Sh*t

“When life is challenging, it’s easy to fall into a habit of listing what’s wrong. I’m learning that even when I can’t change my situation, I can change my mood by listing what’s right. I call this ‘shifting from bullsh*t to blessed sh*t.’” —Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

Check out today’s podcast. It’s a short one, but some powerful truths. Pardon the sound quality. Thanks for being here. Press play above.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Don’t Give Up

This year, particularly the last few months and even this current week have been piles and piles of BS and pain and navigating illness and loss and situations where I had to confront people in positions of power … So much overlapping too muchness going on in my life and it has been really hard.

As someone who deals with anxiety, depression, sooizsidull ideation, etc., who is dealing with a debilitating processing disorder, and the scarcity that can be associated with not being able to maintain income because you’re mind works at limited capacity…. I have been in a really bad place on and off daily for months.

And I don’t mean just sad sometimes. I mean when was the last time I cut/washed my hair, showered, changed clothes? Walking around like a zombie just barely existing.

For the last few months I have just been doing what I have to do. I’ve got to take my daughter to school, I’ve got to make her breakfast, I’ve got to make her lunch, I’ve got to make her dinner I’ve got to go to the grocery store I’ve got to put gas in the car I’ve got to go to sleep eventually because I got to do it again tomorrow. And on some rare occasions I managed to write a blog, post a podcast, or share a post of my own.

One thing that is not something I would normally tell you, is that if you see me posting a lot.. and I mean posting other people’s content.. it is a sign that I am not doing well. I am pretty much in a zombie like State scrolling and posting because I don’t have enough mental, emotional, or even physical energy to create and post my own content.

Many days I did not want to be here anymore. Many times on many days that is a thought. But, just so you don’t have to worry, I am not unsafe. I am okay. I have been practicing gratitude and listening to good music and taking naps to reset myself multiple times per day.

If what’s going on around you, in you, or with those in your life is feeling too heavy, know you’re not alone.

One of the blessings in my life is that my mind is like an ongoing jukebox. Music is playing in my mind all the time, like I have my own life soundtrack. A couple days ago when I was feeling very give up-ish, this song came to me. I’m not even religious at this point in my life, but it was so encouraging. So I offer to this to you if you’ve been really struggling lately. Another one that encourages me when I’m down is William Becton’s “Be Encouraged” and Kirk Franklin’s “Smile.” Lately, I’ve been listening to Surfaces full Pacifico album because the vibe just gives “life is good” vacation feels. It calms me when life is being an absolute butt. Sending big hugs if you need one or many. 🫂

I never really felt “safe” to share all of this. I’ve done it in bits and pieces, but not this honest. But I care more about impact than image. So I hope this encourages you. I don’t have it all figured out and I am currently navigating what I’ve been calling gawd’s targeted (at me) diarrhea. SO please don’t let life take you under. I’m holding on with whatever my finger nails, gum, and prayers of humans and angels can offer. Please do the same. Love you!

Blessings, 

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Need a little inspiration?

Check out this related episode of Share & Let’s Live! with Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist, “From Bullsh*t to Blessed Sh*t.” Remember I cuss so choose your environment wisely. Also, I was getting a little vibration in the recording possibly due to the wind. Ignore it so you can get the message. Thanks!

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