Unpopular Opinion: The Side Chick Didn’t Steal Your Man

I know this is a risk. But I’m so tired of seeing women getting duped while it’s men out here being the problem. (I’m not talking about all men. I couldn’t possibly know all men. And I’m not talking about all women, or “side chicks.”

What I will say is that my take on this is the more likely scenario that no one talks about.

TV and movies create this image of the harlot that came after the sweet, innocent, singularly focused loving man. When the truth is a lot of men are still out there shooting their shot, often just to see if they still got it. It’s a lot of them out here fooling women. They think he’s a traveling business man and that’s why he’s only available sporadically. While he’s got a whole wife and kids at home.

So many women are out here hating women who were actually misled by the so called good men who lie and mislead for attention, adoration, opportunities, and that new feeling that’s missing in their long term relationships. Side chicks often don’t even know that they are and far too many have been convinced by these men that the women at home are so horrid and mean and inattentive and cruel that she feels no girl code loyalty to that horrible woman who’s mistreating this good man.

Reality is that many women who hate side chicks (because they feel threatened by the possibilities of them) don’t realize they’ve probably been one, unknowingly. Often (maybe even more often than not) those going nowhere relationships, where you can’t seem to figure out why he won’t take the relationship to the next level of commitment and those situationships that we settle for while we wait for him to be ready, are often not going to the next level because he’s already got a woman and YOU are the side chick.

And full disclosure, I’ve been on both sides (the “wife” and the “side”). I fell for the same game. No ring. And when I found out we were so deep in, that I that being told she was a horrible woman that was cruel and didn’t appreciate him eliminated all woman code loyalties. I was convinced we were better suited, a perfect match and I was saving him from that horrible woman. Thought I was the exception and not like the typical hussy. “That’s other women, but we are truly in love.” Whole time I was just being duped so he could give 40% to two women, while receiving 100% from both. I was silly, and naive, and 100% in the wrong for continuing in it. AND I would’ve NEVER started it, had he been honest and upfront about his relationship. I was the queen of the “I would NEVERRRR” club. And I compromised my values after being misled.

Did I have to tell you that? No. But I care more about the lesson than your opinion of me. I have personally supported and heard stories of so many women who found themselves in a similar situation because some man misled them into thinking he was available, when he was actually attached. So I know what I’m talking about.

Don’t get distracted by my story. The whole purpose of this post is to dispel this myth that the other woman is singularly to blame. Of course, once she’s aware of the situation (that he’s attached), that’s the time to end things. I’m not condoning cheating, sticking around, none of it. I am saying that this one directional hatred of the “other woman” is… wrong. She’s not the one in the committed relationship. Her truly loyalty is only to herself. I honestly believe that more often than not “side chicks” are just regular women, who would NEVER, that developed a relationship with a dishonest man who wanted two pieces of cake.

Our society doesn’t hold men accountable for manipulating women for their gratification, and automatically blames women both for their actions and their ignorance. It teaches us all that self-control is only something women have. So if a man behaves inappropriately, it’s the woman’s fault.

That’s complete bull.

It’s just ridiculous misogynistic patriarchal conditioning that we have allowed to dominate most cultures. At some point we have to start thinking for ourselves and realize how disproportionately the scale is balanced against women.

This may seem a “bridge too far” to add “side chicks” into the conversation around misogyny and patriarchy. But I want you to go there with me for a sec. Don’t just take my word for it. Ask yourself how many times you’ve heard/known of a woman who wa really excited about a new relationship, thought this guy might be the one, only to later find out he was already in a relationship?

If you’re in a relationship, isn’t it customary to share that and not start a new relationship? Or am I missing something? So did she lie to herself or was she misled?

The reality is that happens all the time. Unfortunately, there are men out here acting single, not honoring their relationships by expressing they’re in one upfront (or when it seems like the other person wants more than a friendship). Let’s stop excusing this kind of behavior and viewing these women (who often didn’t know) as if most of them went seeking out these attached men. More attached men need to start acting like it and stop entertaining extra women for an ego stroke. And more attached women need to place the majority of the blame on the one they’re actually in a relationship with. That man likely was not manipulated into anything. He more likely blurred the lines of fidelity for the sake of his curiosity, ego, and greed.

Just sayin’ what I’ve been wanting to say for a lonnng time. I’m finally in a place where I don’t care if anyone knows this story.

And if my admission bothers you, please keep that to yourself. I don’t care. 😂 You can work out on your own what that’s about. Check out another post. It will likely be more your speed. 🤣

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

They’re Making Us Insecure… on Purpose

So I just watched this video and I completely agree with what she said. Let me explain.

Take a sec (well, a minute and 19 secs). Watch this video. Then read my thoughts about it below.

Tap the image below to watch the video or go to https://www.facebook.com/reel/894812597004147 then come right back so I can finish telling you what this sparked for me. I think it may support you.

Tap the photo to view Gabrielle Union’s post on Facebook.
(No copyright infringement intended. Just sharing her positive message.)

I agree. When I play with those filters, as I’m switching between them and see my real face, I feel so insecure… about stuff I’m never insecure about. But those filters erase so much of our reality, and convince us that the “light” adjustments will make us look better or just be fun. But what they do is create and reinforce our feelings of not being enough. They’ll have you thinking, “Damn. Is this what I look like all the time?”

It’s all a game, and we’re getting played… on some level. Whether it’s a burger you weren’t craving until you saw it in your newsfeed, or the norm shifting from saving to buy one house, fixing it up, and appreciating it for life, to now everyone buys a starter house then upgrades a bigger house. Our “needs” are constantly shifting because they are feeding them to us on every device. But we don’t even notice it. Me included.

I literally wrote I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! I gave up wearing makeup as part of my daily routine at least a decade ago. I teach workshops about embracing our natural selves. And I still find myself feeling insecure when I use those filters.

One thing I know is that advertising (I have a bachelor’s degree in advertising), is that it’s core is centered in convincing a person that they want/need something that they don’t necessarily truly want/need. And they do it by selling you the solution to an emotional problem. They present perfume and cologne as cures for loneliness, not by saying that, but by showing attractive and attracted people in connection with fragrances. They sell community and bonding and fun times with friends and loved ones. They don’t just sell beer. And the filters sell perfection which is a really great way to cause makeup looks that used to take 5-10 minutes now take 1-2 hours because it takes 7 or more products, plus contour to make you presentable, beautiful, lovable.

Just some thoughts after watching this video. Thought I’d share. What are your thoughts on this? Comment below.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Who Is Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist?

What Derailed You: On Taking Your Life Back

Fairly recently I thought back to when I was doing all the things, walking fully in my purpose, doing the thing I love the most. And then it ended. But what changed?

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist’s quote: “If you’ve been in survival mode for a long time, and can remember when you were thriving, it may be powerful to begin to heal the trauma that derailed you.” The quote appears in large bold white text with a subtle dark drop shadow over a photograph of a city train traveling on elevated tracks between downtown buildings, reinforcing the theme of being derailed and finding a way forward. “Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist” appears in white script across the top of the image and again as the attribution beneath the quote. A small Share & Let’s Live! podcast logo watermark with a microphone appears in the bottom-right corner. The footer displays "mdillondesigns.com/blog"
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

I’d been asking myself that for so many years, while simultaneously just doing the best I could with where I am now. And then one day, I counted back and realized that a major traumatic experience took place that same year when I was thriving and shining. And I’ve been just dealing with the fallout and doing my usual Energizer Bunny thing. I just kept going and going and going. There’s no time for healing when you’re a single parent (most of the time). When you’re simultaneously dealing with back to back blows and trauma, while raising a child solo, who can really stop and heal for real?

I’ve been in therapy on and off for years, but never about that stuff. I had to deal with the present. And what I now see is that the one MAJOR event that I blocked out has had me running alongside the tracks of my life, trying to still get there, but working real hard with little results. The ADHD thing is definitely involved. And there are some other things that are definitely involved. But the main thing… the real thing…. is that THAT thing derailed me. And I am honestly just now realizing, I never got back on the tracks. So I guess I gotta figure out how to heal that thing. And recognizing it is a huge step in getting there.

I explain it better on the podcast, so press play above. I’ve gotta story to tell you. And if it helps you see things you might need to address in your own life, please share this post, because someone you’re connected to might need to hear this message.

Thanks for being here and for reading. Please press play above to listen to today’s podcast.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Which Came 1st the Thought or the Feeling?

I’ve had a therapist debate me on this, but I think they’re wrong. 😂 I strongly believe that our thoughts guide our feelings.

For the sake of this post, and this practice that has worked for me countless times, let’s just assume she’s wrong and I’m right.

Okay. Let me explain…

Sometimes when I’m feeling “bad,” I pause and have a brief, mood-shifting convo with myself…

  1. First, I identify how I’m feeling (sad, anxious, depressed, etc.).
  2. Then, I acknowledge that if I am feeling that way, that means I’m thinking (insert same emotion) thoughts.
  3. And then I choose what emotion I’d prefer feeling. Say the same sentence again inserting the preferred emotion. And then I ask myself what I could do, think, focus on instead to feel that way. And I usually shift.

Of course sometimes I’m too bothered, or too upset to access this practice. I don’t do this all the time. However, there are times when I suddenly find myself feeling down and I honestly don’t want to feel that way. And if this practice comes to mind, I do it. And it works each time. So I thought I’d share it with you. A little something you can add to your toolbox.

Here’s an example, if you need one….

“How am I feeling right now? I’m feeling sad. In order to feel sad I must be thinking sad thoughts. Right now I’d rather feel grateful. So in order to feel grateful, I need to think grateful thoughts. What can I think about/focus on/do right now, to help me feel grateful?” And then I do that thing.

I say all of this aloud (to myself). I’m typically alone so it’s easier. But I’m sure it would work similarly in a journal. It’s easy to get distracted or not follow through if I just think it. How I’m feeling may override the process. So it’s best to be actively engaged, as if you’re interviewing yourself. Answer the questions. Think about your answers. And follow through.

Hope this helps.

It’s empowering to choose how we want to feel. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling all our feelings. And it’s equally nothing wrong with choosing that we’d rather feel better in a given moment and give ourselves that gift of a pivot.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist