Lately, my body’s been aching
Parts of me screaming and begging
For peace, there’s no mistaking
I can’t tell you how I know
It’s just something internal
Just like that thing in moms
That inner maternal
Of late I feel real strong
That this pain is not real
Hmmm… it’s real but not true
Like trapped thoughts I can feel
A knowing that if I can simply release
Old shame and old blame
And old hurts
I feel peace
You can call it hunch
Or that I’m just out my mind
But the knowing’s so real
It’s just a matter of time
That if I don’t listen and lose them
That thoughts that cause pain
Stop rehearsing hurt stories
Again and again
That these uncomfortable aches
And difficulties moving
Will be my new life
And there’s no undoing
It’s time to release them
And reclaim my ease
To let go of these thoughts
Before they’re disease
To forgive and release
If I can’t quite forget
To let go of life’s lessons
Where I missed what they meant
To untell the stories
I’ve told to myself
That left me believing
In my decreased wealth
The meanings I made up
That that’s all I get
That no one will want me
They’ll leave once we’ve met
I’m too much or too little
Not quite the right match
That despite all I whittle
I’m just not a catch
That because of my brain
I’ll never succeed
Forever gifted and broke
Though I push and I plead
That the way I’ve been loved
Won’t get any better
Discarded once used
Like a warm ugly sweater
That despite all I bring
My needs are too much
People give to those who have
But for me “let’s go dutch.”
That Murphy’s Law
Should be Marlene’s instead
So I must worry, live in angst
Overthink and plan ahead
That I must barely sleep
To succeed at life at all
To live like you is freedom
For if I rest I’ll drop the ball
Gotta make up for my make up
Brain’s unkind so eff the rest
Work ’round Mother Nature’s cursing
To pretend I still feel blessed
Sleep’s for suckers
Grind ’til daybreak
Drink some caffeine
You’ll be fine
Gotta burn that midnight oil
Team no sleep
Stay on your grind
Recognizing all that’s bullsh*t
Why my body screams and cries
Fighting natural to be like them
While my body slowly dies
Yeah, I’m over it
Just accepting I don’t fit
In this grind world
Gotta travel back to center
Learn to love
My inner girl
Make the time
To make me happy
And let the others
Do their thing
Stop chasing people
Who don’t love me
They’re unworthy
Of the cling
Notice those
Who truly see me
Elevate their rank above
Release the need
For those unworthy
Those who never show me love
See all I bring so clearly
See my good above my bad
Know that I was always worthy
And the best they ever had
Know that some mistreat
Good things
When they don’t know
The price
But expensive
Is still expensive
Even if
It’s not treated nice
I don’t have to claim
“Unworthy”
Because they missed
My worth
Despite my childhood
Or my friendships
Or how I was treated
Since birth
People confuse trash
And uniqueness
When they value those
Who get in line
Outliers called problems
Instead of priceless
Because we use
Our minds
Learned daily the cost
For stepping outside the box
Slowly receiving my flowers
As they’ve stopped throwing rocks
But regardless of them
Gotta love me
‘Cuz they can change their minds
Gotta be cool
With me as me
‘Cuz I’m with me all the time
Learning to love
What I’ve hated
Learning to accept
What can’t change
My brain is my brain
Can’t debate it
But gonna try meds
To get it in range
Letting go of the fear
That back holds me
Doing what I can
When I can
Releasing those who’d
Want to control me
No more contorting myself
To keep a man
Letting go of
All that they told me
Their lies
That became my truth
Done adjusting myself
Making pretty
To catch the Boaz
To match with my Ruth
Eyerolling at
All of the nonsense
I’ve followed
In my search for peace
Had no idea
I’ve always been worthy
No need to hide
Cover, fake it, or reach
Me, as me,
Is my best self
I don’t need to
Be any other
No more feeling
Unworthy and not enough
Despite the words of my mother. 🤣
Just venting. Another journaling poem that finds it’s own rhythm, shifting and sifting through my thoughts. Unedited. Stream of consciousness (primarily). Just let it flow…
Anywho, thanks for being here.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Check out my most recent posts here.
