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Given What I Know Now, I Owe Myself an Apology

You know so much of what we feel embarrassed about, guilty for, and shame regarding are things we need to revisit with the knowledge we now have as adults.

Cluttered bedroom with an unmade bed piled high with clothes and items scattered on the floor, overlaid with a quote that reads: “Many of our memories cause us to feel guilt and shame. When we take the time to revisit those moments, given what we know now, we can release the pain and love ourselves more deeply, as we view ourselves through eyes of compassion.” — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist. mdillondesigns.com/blog

This morning, I sat reviewing the imagery that comes to mind when I think of money and relationships. Not the imagery like when your mind replays the scene of an argument. But the symbolism that comes to mind when I picture these concepts.

It’s not an exercise I’ve done before. Just an inspired idea that came to me and I went with it. The first image was regarding money. I pictured a bank vault (no money visible) with a drain in the center. Without going into the details, I’ll just say, I sat with myself and worked through all the symbolism and what it meant. And then I constructed a new visual.

I did the same with “relationship.” It was an interesting visual that came to mind with that one. Just me standing with a garden hose, trying to manage an intense, concentrated stream. And I was watering concrete and grass. The symbolism there was… well, interesting. And as I thought through it and the possible meanings, it tracked with my experience(s).

So enough about that. Might be a fun activity to do when you have some quiet time. Be sure to construct a new image that better supports your intentions. And let that be your go to imagery. Mine resulted in a beautiful affirmation…

“I am loved completely and fully. All my needs are met.”

So after doing this exercise (first thing this morning), various memories floated up. Random moments that feel disconnected… memories that flash across my mind from time to time.

One memory is of my bed as a preteen. It was full of my clothes. A big mound of clothes was always on my bed. Whether dirty or clean, I can’t fully say. (But now that I think about it, my dirty clothes always went in the hamper. My personal items hand washed. So I guess my clothes on the bed were the items I searched through to find an outfit suitable for school that day (and from the days prior). 🤔

At night, I’d be so tired that rather than spend additional time sorting, folding/hanging up my clothes, I would just climb on top of the mound and go to sleep. Imagine my back arched like a rainbow over the mound, blanket on, eyes closed, snoring. 🤣

Each time that memory came back to me I’d have a few follow-up thoughts. One was of the incident that formed the memory. It was time for bed and my sister stood in the doorway asking about what I was going to do with all those clothes. She was probably teasing me for not being able to go to bed yet because I had all those clothes to put away. And I told her I wasn’t going to. I’d just sleep on top. She thought I was joking, ’til I climbed on top and literally went to sleep. 🤣 That’s the funny memory.

Another associated memory is just of the audio of my father saying that no man would ever want me, after seeing my messy room…. And now as I share this, I picture him standing in my doorway, shaking his head in disappointment, turning and leaving. I don’t know if the visual happened, but the words did. 😔

Not a pleasant memory. But I’ve got a point…. Wait. One more quick memory… It’s related…

So a story I heard way too many times when I was little (and they still tell it to this day, like just weeks ago), is how my babysitter’s husband took her back home to her parents and left her there. He told them to not send her back ’til she learned how to cook. 😱 (Keep in mind I’m saying baby sitter and they were old and watching me before I was in kindergarten. A different time.)

Okay, now that I’ve laid the foundation, let me tell you the (inner) healing that happened this morning….

So after I did the exercise of creating new imagery for love and money, these memories came up. And for the first time, when I pictured the messy bed, messy room stuff and heard my dad’s voice and my sister’s words, my mind didn’t immediately go to shame.

Usually, when I have those memories, they are followed by one of my messy apartment that I had with my fake husband (long story) and toddler. I picture the trash bags piling up in the kitchen (that he didn’t take out so they kept multiplying) and the laundry on the floor (that I was sorting to take downstairs to the laundry, but didn’t have enough money to put quarters in the machine because he was the only one working and never gave me money)….

This is really interesting. I’ve never remembered the story with the details I shared in parentheses. I completely blocked that out until now. Because I would immediately go into guilt and shame, and certainty that it was my fault that the marriage ended… That he left me… because my dad was right. No man would ever want me. I was a mess and that’s why he left…

But, today, after doing that inspired assignment, and coming to the new conclusion of this beautiful affirmation (“I am loved fully and completely.”), when the memories and the words came back to me, I immediately heard that affirmation. And instead of going into the memory of my ex, I thought of what I’ve learned about people with ADHD and executive dysfunction (see image below)… how common it is for us to fall behind on tasks like cleaning, and laundry, and dishes… how “normal” it is for us to run out of steam from doing the tasks we have to do (like go to work, feed the kids, take them to school, pick them up, make dinner, etc.), that the tasks we won’t get in trouble for… the ones that aren’t life and death… can go undone simply because we don’t have the threat to trigger the dopamine to push us to get those done, too….

I looked at all the memories (with my dad, my sister, and my ex) through different eyes and realized, I wasn’t bad, dirty, wrong. I was exhibiting a symptom, better yet a sign, of ADHD. I wasn’t going without cleaning, or putting things away because I was some nasty bih who doesn’t appreciate cleanliness and order. I was burned out from dealing with the immediate threats (school, a mean ass bullying other parent, taking care of a newly walking toddler, etc.). And I was mentally stuck because I needed help with my next step due to executive dysfunction and something I now know as “autism looping” (see info below).

After considering what I know now, that I didn’t know then, I had no reason to feel guilt, shame, or blame. I couldn’t complete those tasks because I didn’t have the capacity. My brain wouldn’t let me. I’m not naturally messy. I am a person who hates germs and is naturally organized. But because I was at capacity mentally, I couldn’t access those skills….

This morning, I began to look at memory after memory, where I was misunderstood and falsely assessed, and in each one I saw ADHD. People’s perceptions of me my whole life… ones I began to believe about myself… all turned out to be related to executive dysfunction…

I am not a ridiculously flawed mess that no one could ever love. I am a beautiful human who has some challenges that can be easily overcome with understanding, compassion, support, and unconditional love.

I am worthy of love. I get to be loved fully and completely, and so do you. 🥰

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

BTW, an important and necessary step, that I nearly missed, is to have this conversation with my inner child. To not just come to these conclusions and move on, but to ensure that I sit with her, explain my discoveries today, and apologize for believing what others taught me about myself, and to teach her the affirmation I learned today. It may sound odd (if you’re unfamiliar with inner child work), but it is real and necessary. So I’m going to post this quickly and then spend time with my inner child.

I have a post about inner child work that I’ll share below, if you’re curious.
👉🏾 Tap here to check out Inner Child Work Works

Thank you for being here. I hope you found this valuable. If you did, please like and consider subscribing to my blog. I talk about a whole lot of different topics, primarily centered around inner healing, self-acceptance, and learning to love ourselves. Oh, and it’s free. 🥰 Like & Subscribe today.

Defining Some Terms

I used some terms that I was not always familiar with. Here’s some info I grabbed quickly from Google feel free to do a deeper dive if you want to learn more.

What is executive dysfuntion?

What is “autism looping?”

Side bar: I do not at present have an autism diagnosis. Through my constant research, self-study, and being in community with other neurodivergent humans I am becoming curious about a possible, more accurate, diagnosis of AuDHD (a simultaneous diagnosis of Autism and ADHD.) When I was assessed they were only assessing for anxiety disorders and ADHD. They were not looking for other possibilities. That is a different assessment.

I came across this term one day when I asked Google for information on why my thoughts get stuck loop and I can’t move on to the next task. I often don’t realize I’m doing it until hours later. The more that I am aware of it, the better I am getting at sometimes pulling myself out, by asking questions like, “What am I trying to do?” and “What is my next step?”

I thought these might prove helpful if you were uncertain what I was referring to. I hope this helps. This last section of definitions came as a result of doing my inner child exercise, so I’m glad I did.

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When Your Shoes Are Tied Together

It’s interesting that I wanted to share on this topic today, but didn’t have enough dopamine to pull it off. I came across this post, today. Reblogging it. Grateful that it showed up for me when I needed it. Blessings.

You ever seen one of those videos where a person is relearning how to walk and they take their first steps? That step is what it feels like for me each time I accomplish something while dealing with ADHD and executive dysfunction.

The road is uphill most of the time and then I take a step, and everyone (including me) expects that the next step is coming right behind. But that’s because invisible disabilities aren’t often acknowledged. If someone has a permanent limp, or a brace, and struggles to walk, everyone expects the process to continue to be uphill.

But when you have something going on that doesn’t present physically the assumption is that laziness, poor time management, a lack of focus, or even low self-confidence is the cause. So when you accomplish something, that means the problem is fixed and the free flow is coming for you to crap out accomplishment after accomplishment.

Well, that’s what I thought, too. But unlike relearning to walk, where it’s a skill a person works really hard to rebuild, if you have an ongoing debilitating situation, you don’t necessarily get back to your old self. You just manage to get things done WITH the thing that makes life challenging.

Essentially, what I’m saying is that it took me four decades to realize that I’ve been trying to learn how to overcome/defeat something that I saw as a temporary obstacle. I thought that all I needed was the right pep talk, conference, or therapy…. a new belief system, woo woo practice, or even medication to overcome.

And I now four decades in realize that I’ve been living with an invisible disability my whole life. I’ve thought I was failing because I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I wasn’t dedicated enough, that insecurities were getting in my way. And I’m not saying that I couldn’t try harder, or be more dedicated, or be less insecure (I’m sure we all could). What I’m saying is that I’ve been trying to overcome something that isn’t going nowhere. Yeah, I can find resources, tools, practices, and even dietary shifts that can help a bit, but it’s not temporary. It’s part of my makeup.

So now that I realize this, I get to spend the rest of my life accepting myself: for who I am, for the challenges I deal with, and keep learning how to work WITH myself given how I’m designed.

This is a tough discovery and one I may feel uncomfortable about sharing, but I needed to do this, both for myself and someone else who will read this and realize there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not f*cking up. You’re not lazy. You’re not scatterbrained or just not trying hard enough. You’re dealing with a disability that isn’t acknowledged as a disability (especially if you are a female who’s gone undiagnosed most of your life). Sh*t’s hard because you are dealing with challenges that aren’t necessarily well-supported and you’ve been trying to do this thing being judged by typical standards. The fact that you’re still in this race is a miracle in itself and I’m proud of you. And I’m proud of me, too.

Imagine winning any laps of this footrace called life and the whole time your shoes were tied together. We’re miracles. And this post is about looking down to realize that our shoes are tied together and that stumbling through life makes sense, and our wins are twice as important because our wins don’t even make sense. But they happened and they can happen again.

I guess ultimately this was a bit of a love letter to myself as I realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I am trying REALLY REALLY hard and I always have been. My fatigue is warranted given all I fight through every day to show up and handle my responsibilities. And my shortcomings are warranted given the challenges I fight through every day to show up and handle my responsibilities.

I needed to keep writing until I came to this realization, and now I am grateful that I am sharing this. So here’s a big hug and well done to anyone struggling with invisible disabilities. It’s not easy and we really are doing our best. And our best gets to fluctuate from day to day.

May this post bring you a new layer, and to a new level, of self-acceptance. You’re amazing and so am I.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Maybe It Will Get Better

Many years ago I watched an interview of Dr. Wayne Dyer. He shared something he learned from Mother Teresa. She told him to simply find someone who feels they are alone and show them that they’re not. That’s my intention here.

*Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.*

FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

Please listen all the way to the end. Don’t turn it off when you hear the music start playing. Thanks so much. Enjoy!

I share my stories because I believe it’s possible that someone can gain from my experiences, epiphanies, and insights. When I was in church, there was a scripture that was often quoted that says that we overcome by listening to other people’s testimonies. This has been true for me. Right when I’m ready to give up, or when I feel what I’m doing has little to no value, someone comes along and shares how my post helped them, or someone I look up to shares their story of once being where I am, and I gain additional strength to continue my journey.

For me, Tabitha Brown has been the latter. Her stories resonate with me so deeply and on so many different levels. She both encourages me for where I am and to keep believing in where I’m headed.

Yesterday, I came across a video of hers on Facebook (see below) that I honestly had seen before, but it hit different this time. (Honestly, it’s possible with ADHD that it’s the same video that led to my other post thanking Tabitha Brown. 😂) When I watched her video yesterday I got emotional. It was so inspiring to see her past and future meet. That’s the beauty of recording what we do. There’s evidence when we get there that it wasn’t always like this. I got to see that by following guidance (her gut instincts, inner knowing, whatever you want to call it) when it didn’t make sense, she is now living her dreams. I relate so much to not really seeing how one thing will lead to the other, but still doing what I feel “led” to do, because I know the voice of my inner guidance and I just follow it. And I’m going to keep doing it.

One of the things I love so much about Tab is that she is so honest about her spiritual connection and she leans in to that inner guidance, and unapologetic about talking about it. Everyone won’t get it, but for the ones who do, it’s so validating. It’s so inspiring. It’s so encouraging. I feel less alone. Because no one really understands what it is to be doing what other people aren’t doing, and experiencing what few people experience, and to keep showing up authentically when you know some people are wondering why you won’t just do like everybody else.

And I’m so grateful for how she openly shares and talks about what others might be scared to talk about. It encourages me because I’m out here saying things that people don’t say, and vulnerably sharing my journey… simply because it feels right to share it. As I gain these lessons, I immediately share them because I want us all to grow and evolve. I don’t keep it to myself.

That’s the whole point behind Share & Let’s Live! We ALL have gifts, passions, skills, and interests that we can share with others. And as we do so we ALL get to evolve. Whether it’s that you know how to crochet, or that you learned how to ride a bike in your 40’s, simply sharing these experiences can cause someone else to realize it’s not too late for them. We get to inspire each other.

So anyway, didn’t mean to make this so long. On this episode of Share & Let’s Live! I’m thanking Tabitha Brown (again 😂) for being so amazingly, authentically her. Thank you, Tab (if you ever see this). I cannot count how many times the inspired “word” you shared was EXACTLY what I needed in that moment. Thank you for following you inner guidance unashamedly. You truly inspire me and I am so grateful.

Anyway, if you haven’t already, check out today’s podcast, “Maybe It Will Get Better.” (And remember I cuss. 😂) You can find the play button directly under the meme/image above.

Oh, and here’s Tab’s video that had me in here sniffling and deciding to believe again.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Givers Beware of Takers

You deserve reciprocity. That’s not too much to ask.

Today, I’m sharing a growth moment as a recovering people pleaser. I had been feeling bad for years about an incident where I offended someone by standing up for myself. It was just minutes ago that I realized something I never thought of before…

Two women standing in a warmly lit kitchen, one serving a plate of food to the other. Overlaid text reads: “Beware of people who ask and take and get upset when you request reciprocity. People who really care about you treat you like you matter. If they’re eating, they’ll make sure you eat, too.” — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist.
mdillondesigns.com/blog

Some people recognize your value long before you do. They are keen at noticing opportunities and if you’re not careful they’ll use you up and move on to the next.

One of the challenges of not being used to support is that when people sell me their good intentions toward me, I can get fooled. I’ve had numerous situations where I let someone sell me on the front end of their vision. They convinced me that it would be the opportunity of a lifetime to align with them. I got fully on board, gave more than I should have and supported what they were doing, only to later realize that they were just using me. They didn’t care at all about my next steps, my vision, my needs, or my intentions. They just saw what value I would bring to what they were doing and roped me in.

I learned the hard way that opportunistic people will have you support them for free while they get paid. They won’t be thinking at all about how they can actually help you. They only care about themselves and what they’re getting out of it. They’ll ensure that they are receiving tangibles while they offer you hopes and prayers. And if you happen to realize it, and actually confront them, they’ll have the nerve to get offended.

I am grateful for the good friends that I have come to know over the years. I have people in my life who show me that they are for me through ACTIONS not just words. I have people who promote me, rather than sell me potential opportunities. I have people who don’t just tell me that they like what I’m doing, but they buy my products, share my posts, and tell people about the work I’m doing.

I’ve had people come along who I really got excited about because they made me think they were giving me opportunities, but when I looked at the work they requested of me versus what they were offering, I realized that they were just taking advantage.

I carried shame for years about a speaking event that I was invited to participate in. The organizer needed a last minute replacement and asked for me to bring my book (I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!) to sell at the event. At first, it seemed like a great opportunity. New potential readers an opportunity to connect with people who may want to book me to speak in the future. I was on board. However, the closer we got to the event, the more I realized I was doing a whole lot of giving, but not getting much in return.

I wasn’t getting paid to speak. I made peace with that because of the opportunity to sell my book. But then the organizer said that she would sell my book under consignment. So since it was last minute I had to pay extra to order books for inventor for the event (that’s money out of pocket). Then she was planning to sell my book and take a large percentage of the sales. So I was basically losing money while she was making full profit. I wasn’t going to be compensated in any way, not even for travel.

At the time, I was not aware of being neurodivergent, or how I process information, and didn’t know anything about alignment or paying attention to how I feel. I just knew that as it got closer and closer to time to head to this event, I was feeling so much dread. It was in this time that I began to dissect our interactions and the arrangement. And I realized that this woman was not supporting me, she was using me. She came off as a mentor, that wanted to give me an opportunity. But I soon realized that she was the only one winning while I was losing.

I barely had enough money for gas to get to the event. And I couldn’t guarantee that if I did sell any books that I’d be able to take home enough (after her cut) to put gas in the car. I realized that the whole situation was really effed up and she DID NOT have my best interest at heart. She wasn’t thinking about me at all.

One thing about me is that I physically cannot make myself do something I don’t agree with. Once I am convinced that it’s not a good move, I can’t move. I’ve pulled up to places and not been able to get out of my car… like workplaces. 😂 I just can’t. My body will shut down and my legs won’t move.

Well… that’s what happened with that event. Once I realized all that was going on that was for her, and against me, I couldn’t go. I felt so irresponsible and horrible for it, but at the same time I felt totally justified because that chick did not care at all about me. So like two hours or so before they event, I called and cancelled. I was honest, though. I told her that the arrangement was set up for her to win and for me to fail. She was appalled and offended. And she was/is a respected someone so I knew that what I did would possibly have consequences. But the way I’m built, none of that mattered. I couldn’t go. So I didn’t. And I did the most responsible and professional thing I could do in that moment which was to communicate. And she had to figure it out and find herself a new speaker.

I was just thinking of that incident a few minutes prior to writing this. And the same shame feeling came up—for having cancelled last minute leaving her to scramble, possibly ruining her event. Up until this moment, I was still feeling bad for how I handled things. But I never should have been in that position. If she actually cared about me as a new author and really wanted to support me, she would have seen that the win was that I was coming to speak for free when she was out a speaker. And in kindness for me showing up for her, she would’ve let me have the little $20-30 I would’ve made off of my book sales.

At that time that money would’ve been LIFE to me, because I was struggling. I was driving my daughter to school an hour each way. I’d take her to school some days not knowing how I was going to have enough gas to pick her up that evening. So I’d stay in the area, work, and sleep in my car in the Target parking lot, so I could make it home with her without running out of gas.

I said “yes” to the opportunity because I believed the opportunity was mutually beneficial. I thought I was helping her AND she was helping me. But I soon learned that she was helping herself and herself. And I’ve come across people over the years who have the same mentality. They make it seem like they are for you, but they really are only for themselves. I don’t have a problem with a person being selfish. I do have a problem with a person presenting themselves as a giver when they are a taker.

I think that I have now had enough of these moments of walking into a dream I was sold only to wake up and realize it’s a nightmare. I feel like I am quicker now to recognize when a person is the only one winning. I realize that being desperate will have “you” saying “yes” to apparent opportunities that should be a strong “no.” And I honestly hate that it takes me longer to recognize these moments than it may take others. I still do expect people are going to do right by me simply because I’m a nice person. And I’m grateful 🙄 for these life lessons that have helped me to recognize people’s selfish intentions a little earlier.

If I had one lesson I wish I could’ve told my former self, it would be that “people who really have your best interest at heart will share their food. They will ensure that your efforts are TANGIBLY compensated, because you cannot buy food, gas, or pay bills with ‘possible networking opportunities.’ Opportunistic people will have you work for free, while they get paid. Don’t let them use you. If they got paid, and you worked, you should get paid, too. And if they have a problem with that, walk away with your head held high. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

—Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
#ThingsILearnedTheHardWay #hopesandprayers

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