I was just texting with a friend and as I switched my heart emoji from 💙 to 🧡 I realized something….
My whole life I’ve been doing what ChatGPT does. (Stay with me I’m going somewhere.)
To avoid getting in trouble (in an environment with a parent with unpredictable anger), I learned to study micro changes in body language. “Their facial expression changed, what did I do? What did I just say?” “Apologize. Quick before they crank up. Change the subject. Tell them a joke, something funny from school. Quick, their looking angry. I didn’t want to get in trouble. What can I say?”
“Ummm… Sean’s grandmother came to school again, today.” “Did it work? Oh, thank gawd, she’s smiling. Keep talking. Whew. That was close.”
Growing up in an environment where my safety depends on my ability to “read a room” trained me for all upcoming relationships. Granted they weren’t the only one. I had to study what stories, jokes, requests made the older siblings tell me to get out. Which ones made them laugh and let me stay a little longer.
In an attempt to experience peaceful and joyful connection, I learned to listen, watch, and learn. And I learned it so early in life that it became a part of my personality. So, of course, I’m gonna remember your favorite flower. Of course I’m gonna remember you’re a Bears fan.
Of course I’m going to sit and watch that movie I hate. You love it. It doesn’t matter that the violence is way to much for me. I know what to do. I’ve trained for this. I’ll simply blue my eyes and disassociate so I don’t hear the content… just like I did when my older siblings watched horror movies. I hated them but I loved being in the room. Is do anything for connection, to just be able to have someone close, because I know that if I tell you I’m scared, it that it’s too much for me, you’ll leave or put me out. You’ll get mad at me, realized you should have never let me stay, and then I’ll be alone… again.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know I was doing it–masking, pretending to like what you like, predicting your next move by studying you, showing up inauthentically to convince you that you want me around.
But one day, I got caught. I saw the look in his eyes when I gave the wrong answer. I told him what I knew he’d want to hear.
On today’s podcast episode, I share this story and talk about a common survival tactic of many people with neurodivergent minds.
When I just did it minutes prior to writing this I knew that this is something I’m ready to heal. I didn’t even realize how often I do it until that moment.
So tap play above. I’ve got a story to tell you.
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Looking for unique, empowering gifts? Check out my shop.
Want to learn more about me? Check out my about page.
MDillon Designs & Publishing 