I Get Lonely Too

By Marlene Dillon

When their birthdays come. I feel some kind of way. I prioritized them and they just walked away.

I know it doesn’t matter. And I should feel no shame. But I wonder did I matter. And was I the one to blame.

We have the right to choose. The ones who’re most aligned. But why’s it never me? Why’s it not my time?

I love so fully and completely. I’m always all in. I know they are not like me but I just want to win.

I know they never matched me. I know I tried, ignored. The fact that it’s not working. That I made them my lord.

I lost myself just trying. To keep them near my side. Let go of all that mattered. Ignored my inner guide.

And I don’t want them with me. So bad for me it’s true. But I still get lonely. And if not them then who?

I don’t want them beside me. But once it felt so new. So full of promise, hopeful. Like I got to love, too.

And now I’ve raised my standard. Won’t be with those who lie. Who cheat, pretend to love me. Who use me while I try.

To be the best, their person. Their heart, their reason why. Contort myself, be pretzel. Forget myself, ally.

I help them feel protected, loved, seen, and held and heard. I dote on them, connected, while they say not a word.

I am all in so focused. Become my sun and earth. While they live life, ignore me. So different from at first.

Make me regret my wall’s down. My kindness and my trust. Build that wall up. It’s time now. It was not meant for us.

Through every iteration. I love me more is true. But years of “but it’s my fault” is so hard to undo.

Can see so clear it’s not right. Not meant. Not good for me. But also hear “Not worthy.” And you’ll never be.

Odd words when you empower. But two things can be true. I help you find your power. But I am just like you.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Sometimes in the mornings I free write. I call it steam of consciousness writing. (I did not coin that term.) It’s a form of writing where you just let the words flow without editing. I love when I’m able to create something like this, a cathartic, honest, beautiful piece that really gets to the soul of me and let’s me unburden through words or rhyme.

I’ve been a little heavy lately, missing companionship. And I guess it needed to come out. Glad I let it.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.

If you don’t know much about me, please take a sec and check out my about page here, or my new connect page (kinda like my linktree) here.

Blessings!

Healing the Inner Me

Over the last few days I’ve been given multiple opportunities to heal old messages that have been running in the background making it hard for me to love myself.

Lately I’ve accepted that my beliefs about myself (thoughts and perceptions that made me feel bad about who and how I am) weren’t my personality flaws. They were actually just symptoms of neurodivergence.

I share my stories because I feel they can be instrumental in helping you—or someone you know—recognize similarities that will also support you in dismantling incorrect and hurtful perceptions of yourself.

Press play to check out today’s podcast episode, or read on for more context, then press play to listen.

Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

Yesterday one of the main stories that was being shifted was around self trust. The question I’ve been certain of the answer to for most of my life is am I reliable and the answer was an automatic and very passionate hell no.

After yesterday’s events a two-part story if you will I was convinced that I was reliable when things went right and back to unreliable when things went wrong but a conversation with myself the version of me I refer to as my quote inner adults quotes led me to realize that I don’t only blame myself for the things I do and don’t do I also blame myself for the things that are completely outside of my control.

If you are a person who is very much inclined toward noticing everything you do wrong rather than right, this episode is for you.

The Unsent Letter

A Poem for Unloved Children
by Marlene Dillon

Never thought I’d write this…

Well that’s a lie.
I wrote it.
And sent it.
He intercepted it.

Said it was too harsh
Would’ve hurt you
Or destroyed you
But what did he do
As your words destroyed me?

Funny how time changes
Some things
But some people
Only seem to change
But the strange thing
On deeper inspection is
They remain the same.

I changed
Less resentful
More willing
More mindful
More accepting
More understanding
So. You. Get. More. Peace.

But if I’m the same
And unwilling
And unbending
Constantly reminding
Of how the old you
And how you were then
Is still etched in my brain

Then you’re angry
Like I hit you
I’m all bruises
You play the victim
“I did my best
You were a mess
You had it easier than me.”

I can forgive
And let go
Be the Mature One
Take the high road
Let you be a jerk
And I do the work
While all you do is live

And I’ll give grace
And I’ll be kind
Roll it off my back
One more time
Blame your childhood
Guess your reasons
And smile in your face
……….

And, yeah, they’re still wrong
And they hurt you
And they don’t claim
What you’ve been through
That’s the old them
And that’s on you
They’re taking no blame

And your healing
And your feelings
And the joys…
Hurt’s been stealing
The high love walls
And failed trust falls
Are all yours to bear

Cuz what you know now
You didn’t know then
You’re the lone one
Who’s actively healing
Can’t control them
Gotta let them
And focus on you

So bump the letter
Just forget her
Grieve the version
Who’ll never be her
Release the dream her
See the real her
That’s what helped me feel better.

09/26/26

I let it flow…. so there’s kind of a pattern but also not. I edited half to change pronouns for clarity and to make it more honest. I’m not sure which I preferred, but I liked not getting lost in who’s who once I made those adjustments. Initially “you” was used to refer to multiple people and it made it hard to follow, so I ditched the ambiguity for clarity and I’m okay with that. I’m also okay with seeing this more as journaling with style so it takes the pressure off to be perfect and releases me from the perfectionist urge to go back in and make every other stanza rhyme the same way and follow the same pattern. This way is more honest. And I like to be as authentic as possible, while honoring that I’m gonna read this later and I want it to make sense.

This section was more for me—and to satisfy my inner critic that demands perfection. This is as good as it’s getting and I’m proud of this free flow of poetry. I needed a creative release so this came right on time.

Thanks Dan Tricarico for sharing the writing prompt. This was cathartic.

We’re Being Programmed

Watch programming FROM other cultures, not just ABOUT other cultures.

If all you know about people that are different from you is what the news, Hallmark, movies and TV programs show you, you’re probably walking around with all kinds of stupid beliefs.

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist’s quote: “An egg is an egg, a cat is a cat, a horse is a horse, but when it’s humans suddenly the outside determines the inside.” in large white text overlaying a basket filled with eggs in subtly varied shades of white, tan, and brown. The footer displays “mdillondesigns.com/blog”.

You don’t know Black people because you watch Maury, Baddies, or the news any more than I know white people by watching Breaking Bad, Jersey Shore, and The Beverly Hillbillies. I’m intelligent enough to know that just because tv and movies show me a certain version of people’s behavior it doesn’t mean all the people who look like that, talk like that, and live in those places act exactly the same.

Goodness, in my own family… my own household… there are numerous personalities. Why would I think that all people of a certain color, who have a certain accent, who live in a certain part of the world ALL act the same???? That’s stupid.

The ignorance that creates division and prejudice in society is conditioned by the powers that be. They control what we see and don’t see. They choose what movies to fund and which to never make it to the screen. They decide which news stories air and which go unnoticed. They paint the picture of what each culture looks like, what we envision when we picture a certain country, and what feelings come up when a specific demographic is named.

We are conditioned to believe certain things about certain people by tv programs. Our fears, expectations, beliefs and “certainty” about how “those people” live, act, interact, is all PROGRAMMED by the media. And those who are in power where we live control what we see…. unless we choose to look outside of what they offer.

If we don’t investigate for ourselves: read books, meet/interact online with people from other countries, watch programming from other cultures, engage with people with curiosity, rather than certainty….

If we don’t question how something like the color of ones skin, the neighborhood they happened to be born in, the status of their citizenship, automatically wires them to be this or that…

If we don’t start to look at nature and see the similarities in all living beings and recognize that humans naturally follow similar patterns…

If we don’t start noticing that if a brown egg and a white egg both have the same contents inside, that a brown cow and a spotted cow, or a black horse, a white horse, and a speckled horse….

… we will continue to think the most ignorant, hurtful things about those we don’t know, we will continue to put our trust in leaders who have their own best interests at heart, we’ll miss out on the most beautiful aspects of life…. the variety, the new experiences, the bliss of learning new ways to be, exist, live.

If we don’t seek to learn about who we’ve been taught to be afraid of—not from those who fear them, but from the people themselves— we will always, and only, see each other through the lens they place before our eyes.

…. we will continue to lose at the game they’ve created for us… the game that keeps the 1% way up there, and us all fighting way down here. There are more of us than them. But a house divided cannot stand. And they count on that.

This is the reason why in a nation that should be so evolved, all these -isms still exist.

We have to start noticing that the things we believe about each other must be coming from the same source, because there’s only one group that we’re not taught to distrust. It might make sense that they’re the ones spreading the rumors about the rest of us.

We will never come together if we continue to believe what we’ve been told about each other. Divide and conquer is the oldest trick in the book. And we’re being, and have been, programmed to look at each other as the enemy. But the true enemy is the one programming us all.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist