It’s Time to Break Up

One thing my family believes about me is that I easily kick friends to the curb. It’s not actually true, though. It just seems that way because over the years I have released quite a few relationships that were no longer aligned.

I don’t just wake up in the morning and say, “Hmmm… who’s getting kicked out today?” It’s just that once I realize that a relationship is unhealthy for me, I release it. And, I think, most people just hold on to people, even if the relationship is toxic. That’s unacceptable for me. If I’m not good for them, or they’re no longer good for me, I let people go.

Meme Image: Closeup of a bottle of whole milk. Text states: “When it no longer feels good to be in relationship with someone, either you all need a conversation or you’ve reached your expiration.” — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist mdillondesigns.com/blog
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

Maybe you’ve heard the phrase “relationships are here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” This statement implies that some relationships are not meant to last forever. Some just come along for a purpose (maybe a life lesson, maybe to introduce you to a place, concept, person, etc.). And occasionally some get to be with you for the rest of your life.

I believe that far too often we offer lifetime memberships to reason and season people.

I heard a minister once say that sometimes we are “building houses where we should be pitching tents.” Not everybody is meant to stay forever… and their behavior and the way they make us feel is often an indication of that…. in my opinion.

So whether it’s a friendship, business partnership, intimate relationship, or even situationship, it’s important for us to recognize when the relationship has reached it’s expiration date.

When we have a gallon of milk, a rotisserie chicken, a fruit or vegetable, there comes a time when if we continue to consume it, it’s probably gonna make us sick. An onion or potato that’s started to grow it’s own plant, is not gonna taste the same as a fresh one. Fruit with fuzz that wasn’t there before, is probably not a piece you want to eat. And I won’t even talk about the chicken or milk. Consuming foods after their expiration likely isn’t gonna make us feel well. But when our friendships start to stink, and unpleasant things begin showing up, we tend to just try to muscle through, ignore that gag reflex and keep on chomping. But whyyyy???

Still stuck on “gag reflex?” So am I. Try to focus. I’m going somewhere. 😂

Sooo…. on today’s podcast, I’m gonna tell you a story about someone I kept around too long. Not an intimate relationship, but someone who’s been like family to me. It’s not easy letting those kinds of relationships go. However, when a relationship feels more bad than good, it’s a sign that it possibly has reached it’s expiration.

I don’t cut people off right away. It’s like back when I used to drink whole (cow’s) milk, occasionally, I’d pause to sniff that gallon of milk because something seemed a bit off. Then, if it seems okay, I might give it a try, but it’s in my mind now so I’m on high alert. I might pour a little in the sink to see if there are any solids in it. But I’m definitely paying attention to see if there are any other signs that it’s no longer safe for consumption.

The same happens with me in relationships. When I notice something is off, I start to pay attention. I watch to see if that thing happens again. I notice how words and actions match up. I think about past statements and moments, that seemed off, that I ignored. I think about how I feel when I interact with them, how their words and behavior impact me. I assess if we are actually aligned, or if I’ve just been kinda floating along.

If I am consistently getting my feelings hurt, feeling offended, insecure, disrespected, etc. I take notice. I sit with it a minute to gather my words. And when I’m clear, I let them know how I am feeling, and how their words/behavior are impacting me.

Let me add a quick communication sidebar…

I am a strong believer in communicating: dealbreakers ahead of time, what my needs are, how I’m interpreting another person’s behavior, what my boundaries are, what the consequences are when my needs aren’t met/my boundaries are disrespected. When I reach a point in a relationship where the other person is doing something that makes me uncomfortable, or feel bad, I let them know as early as I can respectfully communicate how I’m feeling.

As tempting as it is to say, “You are doing….” “You are making me feel…,” I try my best to communicate in a non-accusing way (just in case I’m wrong 😂) and I tell them how I am interpreting their behavior. So I’ll say, “I told you _______, and you said you would/wouldn’t _______, but you did it anyway. And that made me feel _________.” OR “When ______ happened, I felt _______. It made me think you must feel/believe _________. But I could be wrong.” And then I let them respond. And I actually listen to what they have to say.

This non-accusing approach has many times prevented real arguments, because how I was interpreting things was actually way off. And it gave the other person the opportunity to clear things up and share from their perspective. Other times, the person said, “You’re absolutely right. That’s exactly what happened and I see why you responded as you did.” Choosing to not accuse, is a great way to clear the air, because maybe your relationship hasn’t expired, you’re just viewing each other through the lens of misunderstandings. (This happens A LOT.) So communicating how you’re interpreting their behavior, words, etc. WITHOUT ACCUSING is really a great communication practice. Could save a great relationship.

But enough the communication sidebar. We’re talking about breaking up, today. 😂

So when I’ve noticed, observed, and communicated. When I’ve had an understanding with a person about my boundaries, they agreed to respect them, and then broke the agreement…. When I’ve shared what my needs are, what hurts me, or what causes me to lose trust and the person continues to ignore what we’ve discussed—especially repeatedly—yeah, for me, those are signs we’ve reached our expiration.

So here are some phrases I believe are empowering for you to embrace (and use) if it’s time to release a relationship:

  • “I realize our relationship is no longer healthy for me.”
  • “I’ve been observing for a while, and now acknowledge that our relationship has reached it’s expiration date.”
  • “I know it’s time for me to release this relationship because I no longer feel good about you or myself.”
  • “I’ve observed your behavior for a while and acknowledge that you do not respect my boundaries.”
  • “As a rule, I do not remain in relationship with people who disrespect me/my boundaries.”
  • “I love myself too much to remain in relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts me.”
  • “I feel I am disrespecting myself by remaining in our relationship, because your words and actions communicate that you do not value me.”
  • “Although I value what we had, our current situation is unacceptable for me.”
  • “I honestly don’t like how it feels to be in relationship with you.” (Possible addition: “Because when it’s good, it’s great, but when it’s bad, it’s unbearable. And I know the bad is coming. It always does.”
  • “I wish we could get back to where we were, but too much has transpired. I’ll never be able to see you the same. And I won’t settle for less than what we were.”
  • “I don’t believe you value me enough for this to continue.”

Now, some of these can really sting. And you are responsible for your words, so don’t blame me if these don’t land well. 😂 You have to know your situation. I don’t recommend using these, for example, if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or in any form of abusive relationship.

This post is actually about releasing unhealthy non-intimate relationships, although these could apply to intimate relationships, going-nowhere-situationships, etc. Maybe you’ve had enough of that dude you friend zoned continuing to try to date you, or you realize it’s time to kick a negative, hating ass long-term friend to the curb…. That’s more what this is about. Please do not use these in caustic relationships. Maybe work through that with a therapist….

Anywho, I hope this helpful for you. I say A LOT of valuable stuff on the podcast episode (listen above). Please overlook the many interruptions. ADHD was having a time since so much was going on outside today as I was recording. But do check it out. (And don’t forget, I cuss. 😂)

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Masquerading As Okay

Trigger warning: depression, unaliving

The trigger warning is primarily for the meme. In this post I say I’m not okay, but I don’t mean I’m that level of not okay. I need a vacation. I’m not in any danger…. just for clarity. AND… I understand how people get to that point, because (as I’ve shared on my blog and podcast), I’ve been at that point. Thank goodness for great counselors. If you happen to be at that point, please reach out to someone who is compassionate and a great listener. If you do not know someone personally that fits that description, here in the states you can call OR text 988.

This post is actually not about that topic. This post is about about not being okay while pretending to be okay. It’s about realizing that you’ve pretended so long that you’re even lying to yourself. It’s about me realizing today that in an attempt to show up for everybody, and do what’s expected of me, I was lying to myself about how exhausted and run down I am. And I’m about to tell you what happened that helped me realize this.

My hope is that when you find this, it is like a gentle hug. Maybe listen to the song I added below and even the rain sounds too while you read. Sending all the love I can and a ginormous virtual hug. You are loved, even if by nobody else you’re aware of, definitely by me. Blessings to you.

You know what’s odd? When you think you’re doing okay—that you’re managing life as well as you can—and then something simple happens and your response to it let’s you know that you’re actually not okay.

So earlier today, I was rushing to pack away groceries so I could run back out to pick my daughter up from school. I didn’t really feel I had time to stop at home, but the A/C isn’t working in the car and it was hot as h*ll out today, and I had lots of frozen stuff from a late grocery run. I didn’t want everything I just paid for to be ruined so I had about a 2 minute window to get in the house, toss everything in the deep freezer, and run back to the car.

But as I’m trying to shove my dinner for later into the refrigerator, it hits something that’s in the way on that shelf, and falls out of my hand, flips over, the lid opens and all the food is now on the floor (that I didn’t get around to mopping, because I’m f*cking exhausted). So of course, I calmly…. NO. I ROARED from the depths of my soul! A high volume, shake the walls, nonsensical guttural roar! Then, I muttered something to myself, picked up the food, threw down some paper towels, and ran out the door.

Then this evening, a few minutes ago, I was washing the starch out of my basmati (rice). I technically was done, but decided to give it one more quick rinse. And as I was tilting the pot to release every excess drop of water, a third of the rice gave in to gravity and ended up in the sink! This time I let out a roof-shaking wail in the key of FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!! so loud that my dad (Pastor Dillon) came running to the stairs to see if I was okay….

And the answer truly is….. NO. I’m not okay. I’m trying to be okay. I’m trying to focus on the positive. I’m trying to count my blessings. I’m trying to stay in appreciation. And… I…. am…. worn… the…. f*ck… out.

I have been going, and going, and going, and going, and recovering, and responding and not reacting, and healing, and pressing through, and supporting, and creating, and overcoming, and dealing and dealing and dealing and I’m tired… because I’m human.

And I chose to share this because I needed to vent and because I know I’m not alone.

So many of us are trying so hard to look like we’ve got it together and others of us just feel like we’re supposed to have it together, because apparently everybody else does.

The reality is that I keep finding out that the people who I thought had it together, people I thought don’t have any real challenges, people I assumed see life as just beautiful for them every day, are actually dealing with sh*t, too! And they are hiding it.

They are hiding the challenges and only showing the good stuff. And maybe that’s okay, but what I’m realizing is that the people who aren’t doing okay… the people like me, who feel day-to-day life is a hard ass struggle… are comparing ourselves to these people who seem to have it together. But they don’t actually have it all together!

They make it look easy so we beat ourselves up for not being more like them. And they’re actually struggling, in their own ways, behind closed doors!

Some of us aren’t as good at hiding it. Some of aren’t even built like that. We wear it all over us that life is heavy, hard, challenging, confusing, exhausting….

If I’m not okay, it’s typically obvious. I don’t hide it well. My face looks like it. I dress like it. My hair looks like it… my posture…. Most times I’m just too worn out to hide it. And I’m just grateful that so many polished people have been telling me of late that they are worn out, too, that they don’t have it all together, that their resume is hiding plenty of sh*t between the lines.

And there’s something very freeing about that honesty.

I wish I had known it sooner. And that’s why I’m sharing this…. to let you know that if you are not okay, please know that is a normal response to sh*t not being okay. If you’ve got plenty going on, feeling exhausted, run down, and just wanting peace to be restored to you is NORMAL. People around you may be doing well. AND a lot of people around you are FAKING well. So release the additional pressure that comes from feeling like everybody else is doing so well and managing all aspects of life successfully. The older I get, the more I realize that’s more often not true than true.

I hope this brings you some comfort. Just talking about it helped me a bit. The thought that sharing this may help you or someone you know, brings me even more comfort. We’re not meant to be in this by ourselves. Maybe the person who is meant to help you through this is someone you’ll never meet, but someone who thought to share their experience that resonates with you. Maybe it’s a song they introduce you to or the concept of being in nature without being nature, through Youtube videos.

If you ever feel overwhelmed by life, please know that even those who empower others can feel that way at times. Life can be hard… and for some harder than others. So be kind to yourself and find what helps you feel a little better… that doesn’t cause you (or anyone else) harm.

Right now I’m listening to this song on repeat and I have rain sounds playing in a separate tab, and it’s helping. Please know that you are loved (even if it doesn’t feel like it, and even if you don’t love yourself right now).

I’m going to share both, the song and the rain video, below in case you need them. And please use the number above if you need it. I’m sure there is a similar crisis prevention line in your area if you’re not in the states. Wishing you the best.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

If you’re having a rough time, try playing this song. As I read the comments, I saw that so many others have found comfort in it. Check it out. I hope you feel better soon.

Looking out on nature and listening to gentle rain can be very soothing. I often will turn the sound up very loud as if I am there and turn off the lights and immerse myself. Try it… unless rain isn’t soothing for you. There are MANY other natural videos on YT.

Storytime: The Too Real Nightmare

Last night, I had a nightmare… not your standard horror movie type, but the kind where the scene got a little too real, the intensity of the dream bled over into reality, and I woke up screaming, “I JUST HATE MY LIFE!”

Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

Yikes. Luckily I never sleep in silence. I have six YouTube tabs of rainstorms and white noise playing simultaneously at very high volume. I was embarrassed as I realized I, once again, woke up yelling the carryover from an intense dream.

I’ve been talking in my sleep since I was kid. It’s not every night, or even every month. It just happens at random… maybe once (or thrice) in a year. After the initial unnecessary embarrassment, I recognized it was too loud in my room for someone to have heard me and then I started to think about the words I had just yelled.

It was a moment of reality that was super uncomfortable, but rather than immediately begin unpacking the emotions and processing the pain of doing single motherhood without bringing in the level of income I deserve, I followed the nudge to get up and get to my computer to record the experience.

So today’s podcast, is more of storytime monologue. I tell the story, walking you through the timeline from dream to reality. This podcast will go into my new category of Entertainment. I don’t want you to think I’m losing it over here. AND I recognize that I’ve been navigating heavy sh*t for a long time and how I’ve been secretly feeling shot into the darkness. I can’t keep ignoring that as much as I keep pushing myself to be okay, that I’ve had enough of the struggle.

Lately, I’ve been painfully aware that it’s time to shift my life… that it’s time to stop letting fear and other people’s opinions keep me small. That if I truly step into my power and acknowledge that no one can take it from me anymore, I can shift my life.

Having that dream, let me know that I can’t delay that shift much longer. The pain of staying small is too much and I’m so over it.

I’m grateful for the power of dreams. Sometimes dreams are just weird, but other times they can clue us in on things that we aren’t paying attention to. I’d rather have this f*cked up dream that let’s me know it’s time to fix what’s going on, than to have that sh*t happen in real life.

So now begins the work. It’s time for me to clear up these interfering beliefs WHILE doing the work to get myself where I know I belong. I have two coaches working with me now to help me with my professional goals (technically three). And as weary as I am from this uphill climb, and the countless YEARS of inner work, I’ve gotta pull it out of me and do this work. I have homework assignments toward getting myself more speaking opportunities. And, yes, I did just launch a greeting card line, but that doesn’t matter because I still have to make time for the things that will move the needle on my financial independence goals.

So I’m going to start allowing myself to step into my creativity. I’m going to allow myself to claim titles that I didn’t feel worthy of. I’m going to start creating more and sharing it. I’m going to do the scary ass booking myself for speaking opportunities. I’m going to experience the uncomfortable fears and do what’s got to be done so I can spend more time saying, “I love my life.” I know I have it in me. I’ve just gotta let go of all they’ve told me about who I am, what I can do, and who will actually care.

I’m going to do my work in the world—well, continue to—and keep taking it up a notch, and then another, and another. I know I can do this. I’ve just gotta keep growing in believing in myself and who I KNOW that I am.

Thanks for reading… and listening.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Storytime: How Do You Forgive the Unforgivable?

So yesterday, as I was writing a description of what I do as Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist on my new YouTube video, I added a fun little tweak to my motto.

If you’ve been here a while, you know that I say, “I.U.S.E. people. Inspire. Uplift. Support. Encourage or Empower… depending on which one I want to use that day… typically both.” Well, yesterday, I discovered a fun third “E.” Entertain.

So this is a true story that I’m sharing for entertainment purposes…

Meme: Image: Light brown background, two women in earth toned sweaters appearing to share a secret. One is turned to the side whispering in the other's ear with one hand raised to shield her words from others overhearing or reading her lips. The other smiles with glee at the juicy gossip. Text overlay states: "Storytime: How Do You Forgive The Unforgivable?" "Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist" is written in script at the top of the meme Share & Let's Live podcast logo watermark in the upper right corner mdillondesigns.com/blog across the bottom

How do you forgive the unforgivable? How do you forgive a backstabbing b*tch who pretended to be your friend, comforting you in your face, while being the leader of the lynch mob against you? How do you forgive a fake friend who you called your sister?

I don’t know. But I’m hoping by the end of this we both found out. 

So let me tell you the story. 

I went away to college knowing what I wanted to be. I was on my journey to becoming a nurse. As a kid, I wanted to be a pediatrician, but enough adults convinced me of how hard that would be, and school was already challenging. The idea of being in school for way longer, with way harder classes, in the subjects I already sucked at…. yeah, that wasn’t gonna happen. So I decided to be a nurse instead. I’ll resist my diatribe on why adults should stop asking kids what they want to be when they grow up as a conversation starter. You can f*ck up a child’s dream, and life’s purpose, by simply introducing negativity and doubt, because your dumb ass doesn’t have faith in YOUR ability to do what THEY are dreaming of. But I digress.

So anywho, I go away to school, independent of all my friends, because I knew my major. I had an opportunity and a seat waiting on me at a school in state. We didn’t have the fancy money that allowed for an out of state option, like most of my friends, and I definitely wasn’t about to get a scholarship. My siblings all went to school at another state school. It would’ve been easier to head out there, but I don’t recall that school having my major. Plus, I didn’t need them. I’d make it on my own. Kind of an unnecessary sidebar, but necessary to set the stage for why I ended up alone. 

So I head out on this adventure solo. Along the way I found two “friend” groups.

The first group was by default. My roommate came to campus with her friend group. I would always be in our room—being that I had no friends—and she and her friends eventually started to drag me out in the streets with them… because I was kinda pathetic and alone. 

But don’t get all “Oh, she’s so sweet.” That biotch had issues too. 

So this friend group was made up of what, at the time, I would call “heathens.” I was a “church girl.” I was not doing the “wordly” things. My roommate on the other hand was Satan’s mistress.  😂 I actually had to pause to laugh, both at the title I gave her and the accuracy. 

When people entered our dorm room, there was always a noticeable pause in the doorway, as they processed the CLEAR divide. My wall was covered in Bible verses. Her wall was covered in… naked men. Yep. She had a Playgirl subscription. So literal NAKED men all down her wall. I was a sweet little innocent virgin living in my version of hell.

So one day I came across a kind soul—an extrovert eager to adopt me. She began talking to me and invited me to sit with her friends in the cafeteria. Eventually, I was eating with them all the time and hanging out in their dorm room… All. The. Time. I thought we were all really close friends. 

At that time, I had no idea of my ADHD diagnosis. I had no idea about infodumping and oversharing. So I did plenty. I shared all kinds of TMI with them and they’d politely listen as if they were truly intrigued. Then came moment of betrayal #1. 

We’d been hanging out for months (me, the extrovert, and her roommate), and had quickly become near besties. I was sharing with her (the roommate) about this annoying girl who would always hang out with us. She was younger and had some clear problems going on. She would constantly overshare, and the things she was sharing were way too much for me. I went on about how I was just exhausted from being the listening ear. 

That’s when she (the roommate) chose to let me know that for most of the early part our friendship, she used to hate when I came over! The three of us were together ALL. THE. TIME. I was in their room more than I was in mine. And all that time, she could not stand when I’d come over. My infodumping and oversharing was too much for her. But being the good Christian she was, she looked at me as a charity case and pretended to be my friend. She was listening to my stories politely, hanging with me for hours. Then, I’d leave and she’d let out the big, “THANK GOD!” sigh of relief. 

She shared this as her way of saying, “I got through it when you did it to me.” So I should be there for this young girl who was doing the same. Her intentions… good. Her impact… devastating. I had just learned that my dear friend was not really my friend AND she hid it so well. She tolerated… no… barely tolerated… my presence for months! But I was supposed to ignore that and grab the saving grace/silver lining of her story. I was supposed to block that out and focus on the, “But look! I got to know you and now I really love you, and we’re dear friends.” Dafuq?! No we’re not. I’ll never trust you fully again. You faked being my friend for the whole introduction and creation of our friendship. I don’t even know who you really are.

Oh, boy, I just realized I still haven’t told the main story. Just give me a minute. I’m getting there. It’s next.

So fast forward a bit. … or rewind… or… hmmm…. not sure.. Let’s just say… simultaneously, we were all part of an organization that did great work in our college community. I was the secretary of this group and did a lot of the graphic design/marketing to invite others to our meetings. Being that I only had those two roommates as friends, and they had jobs and classes, when they were unavailable I’d either just be in my room or I was working with the leader of the club. I began to spend a lot of time with him. We soon became dear friends. 

And I know what you might be thinking. Oh boy, they probably developed feelings for each other. But nope. 1), I wasn’t in the least bit attracted to bruh. 2), I thought he was on the down low when I first met him. (I was wrong, but I did think it.) And 3) he was dating a friend of mine… another person in the wider friend group/organization. So he was off limits to me in so many ways. And… I friend zone a guy REAL early and he ain’t never coming out. He was just a female friend with a mustache to me. 😂 Anyway, again, I digress. 

The point of introducing him to the story is that drama broke out in the organization as rumors began to spread that I was having a secret relationship with the leader. Since everyone saw us together all the time, they started to assume I was his sidepiece! (That uglass… okay…. let me be good. I’ll explain this later in the story.)

Anywho, so I’m devastated because I was a good girl who was just doing her job. I had no real friends, except the ones I found in this organization and now people within the group were accusing me of being a hoe! So what did I do? The only thing I could do. I went crying to the two roommates who I thought, at the time, were my friends. 

So fast forward again. This is like a decade later. I have left school, we have drifted apart for various reasons, and I’m secretly holding this guilt about how I abandoned one of the friends, because she was going through some things that were emotionally triggering for me. I let her know that I was too deep in my own emotional episode (the end of my fake marriage) to truly support her through her heavy shit, because I was on the brink of “losing it” myself. And I couldn’t I couldn’t afford to break down completely. I was a newly single mom, raising a toddler.  So we parted ways. I knew she had other supports, a loving husband, our other friend (the rooomate from college) and others. I just had me. 

Okay let’s fast forward one last time…. 

So I’m out, at a bar, about two decades later, with two friends from the same old college friend group (some different ones that weren’t mentioned earlier). So we’re talking about the BS that went down in college. That whole people thinking I’m a hoe thing that ended up breaking down our organization.. because I was the PR person, the marketing person, the person who called everyone on our sign-in sheets weekly to remind them of our meetings. So when I realized these people were talking about me, I didn’t want anything to do with them. So the organization soon crumbled due to the lack of my presence…. I kept the two roommates and just distanced myself from the others… Over time conversations were had that gradually mended those fences  and we all moved on from it. So this is how I ended up decades later, hanging out with two former members at a bar. 

So these two begin to ask me about what really went down in college. Essentially, they were asking about the rumor about me being a hoe back then. (This sh*t is so crazy.) So I’m like, “Dude. I wasn’t a hoe. I was still a virgin and I didn’t even find him attractive. He was like a brother to me.” I was kinda appalled that they were even asking. But since they asked. I went on to tell them about how devastating that time was for me, having everyone thinking that about me. And I told them how back then I was in the other two girls’ room crying to them about it…. 

And, I kid you not, when I said that, the two of them almost snapped their necks looking at each other in shock and confusion. And guess what they told me… 

They were like,”(_____) was comforting you?! She was the main one spreading the rumor and telling people not to trust you!” 

WHAAAAT?!!!!!

Yes. Turns out that the same person that introduced me to the friend group. The same person who invited me to eat lunch with her friends. The same person whose room I hung out in daily, was the one who was pouring gasoline on the fire. I was being burned by someone I called my sister for YEARS! And I had no idea.

And you know what else? That’s not even the craziest part…
Guess who started the rumor. No. Really think about it. Guess. 

Turns out, the rumor was started by the guy. Yep! The dude in the friend zone, the leader of the organization, the guy I called my brother. He’s the one who started the rumor!

So now, I bring you back to the original question, “How do I forgive the unforgivable?”

That’s a good ass question, because after sharing this story, I have no idea.  

I’ll be honest with you. I actually thought by the end of this story that I would have some deep philosophical answer. I started out telling the story, to give you the backdrop for what I thought was going to be the solution to releasing years of hurt.

Every once in a while, I see the two roommates, who are no longer my friends, in my dreams. A few hours ago, it happened again. I saw them in my dream. Years back I made amends with the roommate so I hugged her. But the other, the fake friend, I had so many different emotions stirring. I couldn’t even look at her. For the first time, even the dude was in my dream. So I woke up thinking, “It’s time to forgive them, and let this go.”

I was certain by the end I’d have an answer. But maybe before stepping into forgiveness, I needed to sit with the realities of what they did. It’s not a story I’ve ever really told. Maybe bits and pieces have come out as someone asked, “How’s ______?” or “Are whatever happened to ______?” But I’ve never even told myself the full story as one crazy ass reality that I experienced.

Oddly, sharing it with you was a bit healing for me. I got to see that I had good reason for the mixed emotions and my hurt feelings. I was able to see why I was carrying guilt for abandoning a friend in her time of need, while realizing she was never really my friend. I got to see through informed eyes how ADHD was evident back then as I overshared and dumped so much TMI on people I had just met. And I got to see why it’s so hard for me to truly trust people, to get close to people, and really believe their intentions are genuine.

So maybe, the question of forgiveness of that fake friend (pick any one of them) is not the question for now. Maybe the true question is, “How do I retell this story to myself in a way that honors who I am, and was back then?” OR “How can I acknowledge my strength and character in this story?” “How can I honor my authentic and normal responses to the various hurts I experienced?” “How do reframe these experiences in a way that’s empowering for me?” And after I do all that maybe forgiving her/them isn’t the main goal. Maybe it’s about forgiving myself.