Desperation, loneliness, and poverty are at the root of some of our worst decisions. They are a recipe for disaster that initially looks like hope.
I have learned time and time again that when I give in to opportunities that seem too good to be true, and perfectly on time, they are often just a mirage.
When you’re drowning in an ocean, anything floating in that water looks like a potential life raft. You’ll grab onto it hoping and trusting it’s going to save you. It feels like a blessing, the answer to your problem.
Some “evil” people count on that. They seek out desperation because they know it impairs judgment. They know our need will cause us to see treasure in fool’s gold.
I have been fooled so many times like this. And I’d like to tell you a little bit about it.
I had a dream last night, well, just a few minutes ago. And the dream was about me being on my way to meet this woman for a spiritual experience that would clear past issues (poverty, stuckness, being off the path to my dreams) and set me on track.
I had recently met the woman (in the dream) and after learning about my struggles, she handed me a flyer for her spiritual cleansing mini retreat, and this weird craft thing that I was supposed to assemble with charms and such that represented me and what I was looking to heal. She gave me a used one that someone had previously created and told me it would be fine to just use that one. As I looked over the craft, I didn’t see much in the symbolism that represented me, but I ignored that and followed what the lady said. I cleaned it up a bit and was ready to head off to my spiritual awakening.
Before heading on my way, I came across another woman who didn’t really know me. She took the craft I was holding and began to look over the structure and charms, and even the flyer, and began to ask me about the details. Why I chose this charm and and “how is this going to help with…?” And before long I was feeling defensive and eventually just stupid.
The more she talked the more I knew I had been duped…. again. So I asked her to stop.
I had completely ignored all the weird stuff I had to do to prepare for this experience. I ignored the price on the corner of the flyer. I ignored that the charms on the craft had nothing to do with me and were for somebody else. I just gave in to her (apparent) kindness, and her smile, her assurance that she understood exactly what I needed, that she had the answer.
I blurred my eyes to seeing every red flag. Blocked them out and only saw what I’d potentially gain. And because I was desperate for the help, I saw none of the wrong, only the right.
I felt horribly foolish and ashamed that I, once again, had been fooled. I saw it clearly. I had fallen for the same thing that caused me to give in, believe, and trust my former “business partner” and my ex….
Some people can recognize desperation and they feel no compassion for it. They hunger for it, lick their chops at the juicy opportunity to take advantage. And they do take advantage.
They swoop in and appear to hear and understand all you’re going through. They listen intently, become and ear, a shoulder, a sounding board. They all but finish your sentences knowing exactly what you’re going through while they subtly, and slowly, offer you the perfect solution.
They offer themselves as your lucky find, the solution to your problem. And you feel so grateful, and relieved, and blessed that you ignore all the other signs that this “lucky” find feels a bit too convenient to be legit.
Along the way, little inconsistencies come up. They show up as little warnings. But when we are out of practice using your discernment, it’s easy to ignore them, or put them off to the side and back of our minds as pesky doubts. “I finally have an opportunity at love, support, financial stability, companionship. It’s just my mind trying to ruin a bad thing because I’m afraid.” At least that’s what we tell ourselves.
The whole time it’s our intuition telling us to be careful, to pay attention, to retreat because it really is a wrong choice that just seems too right.
In the dream, as the woman broke down all the reasons this opportunity was probably wrong for me, I keep I kept picturing my ex partner who who I originally did not like. I didn’t like her energy and she seemed like she was not a nice person. However, once we got to talking, and she was smiling and warmed up, I “realized” that I was overthinking and judging her based off her facial expression and body language. I felt I had wrongfully judged her.
But now, in hindsight, I realize that when she didn’t know someone was watching, she was showing her real self. She perked up because in that conversation, I was sharing with someone else about all I do and have done. She was lighting up because she saw a big fat cash cow appearing before her eyes. She was licking her chops at the juicy opportunity that just fell in her lap.
We connected at the event and she very quickly began to pitch herself as the solution to my problems… the one who understands me, who’ll gladly be that listening ear, support, and presence that I needed. “Oh, you have trouble booking? I love love talking to people. I could do that in my sleep.” “You need connections to possible donors and supporters? I’m tied in to so many organizations.” “You have a mentorship program already written that supports young girls, I’ve been wanting to do something just like that, that’s my gift. We could do it together.” We are the perfect match.
What I didn’t realize was that she was selling me air and promises, while I had real, tangible, stuff. She was looking for my need—the “what’s missing”—in all my stories and prescribed herself as the solution to my the voids.
And I was so happy to have an answer, a solution, a friend (yeah she sold herself as that too… the perfect friend), so I was all in. Sold.
When I look back on my ex—the origins of our relationship—I realize he did the same things. He saw me as a Black woman on a mostly all white, Evangelical campus, and knew that I probably felt out of place and alone. I was always walking by myself, sitting by myself, doing everything by myself, so it wasn’t hard to assume companionship was a great need and the perfect prescription. So he subtly showed up and engaged me in conversation whenever her saw me. He approached with a big brother, looking out for me as a new, isolated Black student, vibes.
He hit me with the “I know you feel out of place here,” convos by asking questions like, “How’s it feel being the only Black person in your classes?” Asked me questions that only those who go through it would understand like, “They call on you every time they have a question about the Black experience, don’t they?” Then we laughed in familiarity with the uncomfortable experience of being singled out for your skin tone and requested to articulate the thoughts of every person who looks like you. He knew the microaggressions and discomfort because he lived it, so it was easy to get me talking about what I was trying to ignore.
Every time he saw me on campus he would engage me in a conversation. He wouldn’t just say “hi” or nod and keep walking. He’d talk to me, like really talk. He’d take the time.. And for me, time is something that matters. I was starved for people who took the time. And he knew that was a great in, not because he knew me (although he probably had been studying me). I think he just knew that most people don’t take the time, so when you give a person a few minutes, instead of a few seconds, it leaves and impression.
Anyway, fast forward… He began to give me more of his time. He invited me to go to lunch with him, not one-on-one. He introduced me to all the other Black people on campus, let me sit at the “cool kids” table with him, and engaged me in conversation with them. He offered to study with me in a public space, not one-on-one, offering me comfort and the opportunity to feel special because Mr. big man on campus was not hiding that he was spending time with me. And on and on.
I won’t get into how he switched up in this story, but I’ll add that he used a few other tactics to ensure that I was all in— like sharing personal hurts from his past that would pull on the empathy within me, that was both clearly palpable and assumed given I was majoring in counseling….
Before I knew it, I was no longer feeling alone on my path. I had a friend, a companion that was really cool, made me laugh, and made me feel less alone. The guy who I had initially said a “hell naw” to in my mind (when I met him my fist day on campus at registration) had turned into someone I wrongfully misjudged. And I was happy he had reached out to me to become my friend….
In both instances, loneliness, wanting to feel seen and heard, and even appreciated for all I’ve accomplished…. Wait. Oh, boy… Here we go again. This is happening in real time!
I now realize that within that first conversation (when he met me on the sidewalk and engaged me in conversation), I told him about my business and my children’s book, so he—an opportunist—saw his cash cow opportunity…. Same m.o. and same pattern throughout the relationship, how it ended, etc. as with my former business partner. (I met my ex like a decade prior. And it was the familiarity and similarities I noticed that caused me to start paying attention and get out of the partnership.) Interesting how they both started the same way—they saw all I had to offer (even though I didn’t see myself that way).
Anywho, back to the dream…
At the end of the dream I was fully aware of how I had fallen for the same thing again… a third time (my ex, the business partner, now this fake spiritual healer). But I was actually trying my best to not give in to the shame that this woman was heaping on me for missing the red flags. I actually told her to shut up because I got it and didn’t need her making it worse. And then I started to focus on the fact that although I had fallen for it again, this time I pulled out early. I saw my progress. I saw how, this time, my retreat began before the relationship even started. I chose to be proud of myself… my progress. I was catching on quicker. And that counts.
When we get duped again (in relationships, partnerships, friendships, on new jobs, etc.) that we eagerly assumed would be better than those we’ve experienced before, instead of being supportive of ourselves, we get mad at ourselves and feel stupid.
But the truth is that we noticed this time. We saw it, we chose to leave, we pivoted, we chose to get out sooner. Or even if all we did was notice sooner, that’s progress. We noticed. In the past we would’ve seen nothing, or ignored everything, but this time we caught it. Even if we didn’t leave right away, or call them out, we saw it when in the past we wouldn’t have.
Even if we feel a little silly for falling for it again, the truth is, if the person actually manipulated us into it, we did nothing wrong by believing them. They created the false narrative. They misrepresented themselves. They chose to enter the relationship as a fake, while we entered in as our true selves. They counted on us to be real while they played a role. We weren’t expecting an act. It wasn’t supposed to be there.
We trusted. And trusting isn’t wrong. It’s about learning who and what to trust. We just have an underworked muscle, we need to use more. Our discernment is a bit weak., because we don’t use it. And to be honest, a lot of us stopped using our discernment muscle many years, even decades ago.
You know how you lose the ability to automatically use that discernment muscle?
Actually, let me define it real quick before i use it again. Discernment is “the quality and mental faculty of judging, perceiving, and understanding things with clarity, especially when the truth, values, or hidden details are subtle or complex.” In other words, it’s the combination of our innate inner knowing combined with reasoning. It’s that gut feeling that something is/isn’t right, mixed with us taking the time to think if things make sense.
We forget how to… better yet (well worst yet) …. we stop using it when, as children, we have adults in our lives who constantly override our discernment. We felt uncomfortable about a stranger, so we retreated behind our parents/guardians for protection, and they scolded us for it, and forced us to hug that stranger they trusted. We felt uneasy about a person’s pet, or a person we were forced to meet, and we were made to feel wrong for needing a minute to warm up or “sus them out,” first.
We were pushed to ignore “stranger danger” rules, shamed for our natural tendencies to self-protect, and then emotions were placed on us for it,—shame, guilt, fear of punishment—that eventually or immediately caused us to second guess our intuition…
We were taught to ignore and deny our discernment, to avoid hurting someone’s feelings by protecting ourselves. But that’s what our intuition is for. All animals have it. That’s why a dog grumbles at the bad guy in the movie before it’s revealed that they are the killer. They can sense the energy, although the person is hidings it from everyone else with their surface level behavior.
I saw the BS in my ex the day I met him and he addressed me as “Sister.” I know that might seem weird, but I saw the bullsh*t in him trying to create a connection with me by using that term. I smelled the BS instantly and my internal “nope” kicked in right away. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. (And I’m not saying all Black men who address me as “sister” are on some bs. I’m just saying my intuition clocked the bs in this one.)
Same with my ex fake ass business partner. Saw the bs in her body language. She had mean girl vibes. I saw it. But then when I started talking to her she seemed nice.
In both instances once I met them “for real”” (meaning took the time and talked with them), I felt guilty for my prior assumptions. I pushed myself to see them differently, like a little kid being pushed to hug that person they don’t know. I made myself feel bad for not initially trusting them. But the whole time it was my intuition, my discernment showing me the truth.
I tried my best to avoid saying this, because I didn’t want to use a triggering keyword, but I’d be wrong not to address this here. Honestly, I’m realizing right now that I was ignoring my intuition the whole time writing this, trying to avoid making it awkward. But it needs to be said….
This pattern I described above, with my two stories, is how narcissists find their next victims.
They are amazingly keen at finding and attaching to people who will meet their needs. They quickly identify your problem and become the solution. They will even first create the problem, by inflating something that you don’t really care about. That’s what my ex did. He kept highlighting the loneliness of being on the campus as a Black person. While it wasn’t actually a big deal to me.
I’m not new to being the only Black person in the room, nor am I new to ignoring microaggressions. I’m rarely lonely because I am an introvert. I enjoy my own company and prefer isolation because I’m so internal. I like having time alone to process life and to do things on my terms. Also, I was also happily newly single and focused on getting my degree. I went to school with no intentions to make friends, much less to find a man. I just wanted to get in, get my degree, and get out. But he inflated my awareness of the isolation, causing me to notice how lonely it was. And then he was right there as the solution. Same with my fake ass business partner….
What they do is rope you in by becoming the solution to your problem, they keep feeding you what you “need,” creating a dependence on them. Then they push you to be there for them since they are being there for you. They heighten your sense of obligation to them and challenge your loyalty. They push you to prove you are committed to them like they are committed to you. Then once you’re locked in, they use you for whatever it was they really wanted. They offer you less and less of whatever/whoever they originally provided to get you hooked, and lie about the switch up—if you notice—and blame it on other things (“no I’m just busy at work, nothing’s changed”). All the while, they are planning their escape as they have gotten what they needed. They’re nearly done feeding on you. You’re confused constantly and becoming a hollow shell of who you were because of all the mind games. And then they skip off full, having drained you for all they could get.
I share this because, I wish someone had shared it with me. I wish someone had told me what to look/look out for, because the damage that is done in narcissistic-codependent relationships can take years to recover from. You go in thinking “this is the best thing ever,” the solution to your problems, that it’s finally your turn to be loved, supported, appreciated, whatever, and then your carriage turns into a pumpkin and you’re left outside on your ass.
If I had one lesson I gained from these experiences (dream included) it would be to check in with your desperation. Be really aware of what is driving you forward in new relationships, opportunities, and experiences. I think that if I asked myself, “If I wasn’t scared, desperate, starving, in need, would I choose this?,” I definitely would have stopped moving toward things and people that let me down. I would’ve seen the bullsh*t hiding in the “blessings.” I would’ve noticed that I was the fool in the fool’s gold. And I would’ve retreated back to my state of contentment (or discontentment) without compounding it with deep hurt and trust issues.
When you find yourself in a situation that feels too good to be true, I’m not gonna say it definitely is. But what I will say is check in with your desperation. Sometimes what seems to good to be true is just dressed up bullsh*t. We’re ignoring clear red flags because a manipulator is controlling our focus. Stepping back to think and check in with ourselves is vital.
If you find yourself in a situation that feels to good to be true, it may help to ask yourself some questions like:
– “What am I ignoring?”
– “I see all the green flags, but what are the red flags here?”
– “What about this scene doesn’t look quite right?”
– “What are they getting out of this? What am I actually getting out of this?”
– “Who is actually winning in this [relationship, partnership, opportunity]?”
– “If I wasn’t desperate (lonely, broke, h*rny, homeless, in between jobs, etc.), would I choose this?”
There’s a reason didn’t say, “Ask a friend or loved one what they think.” Although, at times, that’s a supportive move, we need to reconnect with our inner knowing. We need to remember, and start working, our discernment. We know more than we think and we’ve gotta get back to trusting ourselves.
And I believe this is a great start, because when we check in with ourselves, we can see what weren’t seeing. We can look beyond the flashing billboard sign, and fancy exterior, and notice the caving ceiling, and hear the creaky floorboards. We can stop worrying about other people’s perceptions and follow our intuition and reasoning. We can stop being “nice” and make choices that are in our best interest. We can stop getting duped and exercise our discernment.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
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