I know I shouldn’t care, but sometimes I wonder if when I do my honest posts about not being in the best emotional state, if there are some FB “friends” (lurkers) that eyeroll and think, “Here she goes with her ‘I need attention’ posts. 🙄 I wish she’d just get her sh*t together and get over herself.” I mean, it would suck, but it’s possible…
I don’t really do that here, but I am really open about my journey. So I’m gonna share here, what I shared there (on my personal Facebook page) earlier.
It is a beautiful blessing that is often overlooked to be able to set an intention and follow through on it. Sounds simple. You set a goal, you create a plan, you execute it, you navigate challenges, goal complete.
Being able to do that is not automatic, simple, readily available for everyone. I am one of those people who it’s really hard, bordering on so challenging it feels damn near impossible most days. It’s hard for people to see that in me because of the things I have done.
I admit that I am very gifted. I am capable of doing a lot of things well. I have multiple gifts across several disciplines. Given what I am able to do, it would seem that I should be doing really well in life. And that the only reason a person this talented and skilled is not one of the most successful …. pick a career(s)…. has to be because either I’m not trying, I’m not confident, I’m lazy, I don’t want it enough, etc.
The reality is that I have been told those things my whole life. I have believed those things my whole life. I have tried harder my whole life. I have worked on me since high school, at the very least, just knowing that if I tried harder I could do, be, have way more, because I am smart, talented, and have all these great creative ideas and multitude of skills.
And then over the last two years or so (mostly last year) I actually started to pay attention to myself. Rather than just keep saying, “all I have to do is try harder,” I actually thought about what I was saying. And I realized I try harder every day. I wake up every day with the same successful intentions. I go to bed every night having tried my best and mostly failed at accomplishing what I set out to do…. not because I didn’t try, but because my mind wouldn’t let me.
I started to pay attention to what was actually happening every day. I started paying attention to what I was actually intending, planning and doing. I paid attention to my energy levels throughout my day. I paid attention to what happened when I woke up focused and how I still ended up not having a successful day. I paid attention to what was actually happening versus my intentions. I started doing research on what I was experiencing. I started to notice how often my days were actually successful (by my standard that I completed the tasks/projects I intended for that day/time period). I started to look at the bigger picture. I saw what was accomplished versus what wasn’t. How many days I was successful versus how many days I was frustrated because I couldn’t rally or wrangle my brain to follow through on my intentions…
I realized something important. I realized that effort wasn’t the issue. My brain and body were the issue. I was really giving it my all but I had nothing to give. I couldn’t think, focus, plan, execute, follow through. I would try really hard to be successful and complete tasks EVERY DAY. But I couldn’t focus, couldn’t remember what I was supposed to be doing, was inexplicably exhausted from the activities of the morning, couldn’t get my mind to stop looping on convos and earlier interactions. I wanted to do work, but just couldn’t.
I realized that all the things that people told me about myself, weren’t true. And I’m still discovering those things to be untrue. I’m not insecure about my abilities. I’m actually quite confident. (I may deal with insecurities around convincing someone else that I’m the truth, but I don’t doubt it.) I’m not lazy. I work really hard at what I am able to and what really matters to me. I recorded, edited, and posted a podcast every day for over a year straight. Do you have any idea how much work that is? I’m talking on weekends, on days I was sick, on days from hell when life lifed all over me. I still edited audio, blended tracks, designed memes, wrote descriptions (and sometimes full blogs) to go with the episodes, posted to different platforms (which meant following different protocols and adjusting the details for each). And I did it every day.
And I have self-published projects on new year’s eve at least 3 times (meaning I did all the work that day and published by midnight). When I’m hyperfocused I will go without sleep, food, interaction until I get it done. But that kind of focus only comes a few times a year (yeah, YEAR not week, not month…), maybe 6 days out of 365. So most days I’m honestly just miserable because I have needs that aren’t being met because I’m not completing tasks… because I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want it enough. I couldn’t want it more. For about a decade, I have been in agony daily because my brain won’t let me do the work I set out to do.
And it was just last year that I realized that I have lived my whole life with an extreme cognitive impairment. That the processing disorder I was diagnosed with a few years ago was not just a minor inconvenience. And a few days ago I did some research and discovered that as it presents in me it is a full on functionally limiting disability! And I had NO IDEA.
I had been beating myself up every f*cking day for my whole life. Giving in to the labels of “lazy,” “stupid”, a “waste of talent.” Taking on spiritual guilt for not using the gifts God gave me. The disorder itself even kept me forgetting that I came to these conclusions so I’d go right back to beating myself up for not doing, being, and having more.
The way society, friends, and family think it’s in my head and that I’m just buying in to nonsense circulating currently that’s got “everybody thinking they’ve got ADHD.” 🙄 The conversations I’ve been having lately that show me that it presents obviously in me in so many ways, and people STILL think I’m just giving up my power to a fake diagnosis. 😒
People think they’re being supportive and they think they know what it really looks like so that can’t be me. I used to think the same until I actually researched about it. Honestly, the more I learn the more I think an AuDHD diagnosis is more likely, but either way I know that I am trying (and failing) every day. And I’m not calling myself a failure by saying that. I am saying that every day I set out to do things that I am fully capable of doing, but can’t do because my mind won’t get on board.
If you go to write a book, but you can’t think. You can’t write a book. If you go to write a course, but can’t focus, you can’t write the course. If everything you do and create comes from your mind as original thoughts and ideas, and you can’t get your mind to focus, you cannot do your work. That is what my days look like. More days than not.
On the days that I am able to pull off creating something, publishing something, posting something, I’m very happy. But if you know anything about making money, you know that you have to promote and sell what you create…. repeatedly and consistently. How do you do that if you only have energy and focus simultaneously a few days out of the year?
Sooo…. why am I telling you this? Good question. Honestly most of my posts of late are just me working through my own sh*t and making sense of it and posting it in case someone else needs to work out their sh*t, too. I’ve been blessed to be a blessing by sharing these epiphanies. Sometimes it helps people understand their loved ones. Sometimes my posts help people feel seen. Sometimes my posts lead to someone considering being assessed because they relate so much to what I share.
And ultimately, I share because I feel inspired to do so. It’s not up to me how it lands… or who it’s for… or even when you’ll see it. I just share it because it feels right to do so. And I hope that if nothing else my sharing helps you develop an additional perspective that can help you be more compassionate toward others, realizing that people can be going through all kinds of stuff in the background that you’ll never know. My hope is that my posts bring greater understanding and love in the world… even if that is just toward me.
Anywho, gonna post this and try to have a successful day….
Oh, and one good thing came out of my epiphanies last year. I no longer beat myself up for not being able to do more when I just can’t get my brain on board. I allow myself to take a break, take a nap, get something to eat, revisit it later. Sometimes that helps, other times that nap lasts all day. Either way, I just let it be as it is. Am I happy about it? No. Do I accept it? Yes. Does it still stress me out? Yes. That’s one of the main reasons I’m depressed and anxious most of the time. And why I end up needing hugs and prayers and such, because unproductive days don’t bring cash. And I need it to sustain life… now more than ever.
So, yeah. I’m doing my best. And that’s really all any of us can do.
You’re welcome for the TMI. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being kind and compassionate and making our world better by your presence. I’m gonna keep pressing through and ignoring the intrusive thoughts that… well…. that’s for another post (oh yeah, I already posted it. “On Sooiszidull Ideation” by @marlenedillonempowerment on YouTube).
Anywho….
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 