Being super honest, this post is long as f*ck. Every word is valuable, though. So after posting the blog this morning, I decided to record myself reading the post. I don’t want you to miss out on this very real and honest message because it looks daunting. So if it’s better for you, please press play. You’ll hear what’s written below, plus an intro about why I wrote this and a brief background on the practice that allowed for this huge growth moment.
So whether you read or press play, thank you for being here. And, please, if this resonates or touches you, share it. It could honestly save somebody’s life.
When you realize ain’t nothing wrong with you. When you realize that you’ve been taught to feel guilty and ashamed of who you are, and how you are, because people didn’t understand you and people didn’t understand what you were going through. When you come to a place in your life that you realize that the things that you did and the things that you didn’t do, the things you forgot and the things that you couldn’t stop remembering, that all of it was related to a processing challenge rather than because you just didn’t give a f*ck.
I have gone my whole life that — the majority of it — feeling wrong, feeling guilty and ashamed, for not doing more with the gifts that I have. Yesterday I realized that a processing challenge is the reason why I haven’t done more with what I have. I have walked around and I hung my head in shame because of religious teaching, and ignorance of those around me, making me feel like I am the person with the talents that hid them under a bushel and didn’t cultivate them, when in actuality I’ve been trying, and just haven’t been able to do more than I have because I have a processing challenge. I’m not lazy. I’m far from it. I’m not hiding from my calling. I’m actively trying to utilize the skills I have. I am not giving in to the “voice of the enemy.” I am dealing with a processing disorder.
And the thing about this processing disorder is that it is often associated with depression and anxiety. It isn’t that I’m not spiritual enough, and that I don’t have enough faith, and that I’m not trying. It is that it is associated with anxiety and depression. When you cannot get your mind and your body: to do what you know you are to do, to do what you want to do, to do the things that light you up, to do the things that you know will impact the world. And you are doing everything you can– and your body sits still and stares as if you are in a f*cking coma…. Yes, you’re going to be depressed because you want to be doing more. Yes, you’re going to have anxiety, because you know that your life-sustaining activities are on pause and you can’t stop it. You don’t have control over it. And everyone is telling you that you do, and you are fighting for your life, and everyone is telling you that you’re “not trying” and you “don’t want it enough” and you “don’t care.”
So you hang your head in shame when you’re alert and you fight again everyday every f*cking day. And then you go to bed (again) having not finished what you started. You go to bed (again) knowing that you didn’t get much done today. You interact with others who make you feel like sh*t because you don’t have ___ to give them when they ask for it, and it’s all your fault because “if you just cared more,” “if you weren’t so selfish,” “if you were willing to sacrifice,” “were willing to go to work like everybody else’s parents,” if you’re willing to do all that sh*t, you would have it.
And then one day you wake up and you realize it’s because you have a f*cking processing disorder that keeps you from doing the things that you would want to do, that keeps you from doing the things that you wish you could do…. And you cry because you realize that you’re just being misunderstood. And you cry because you realize that everyone thinks that you are f*cking lazy, and that you just don’t care, and that you’re not willing to do the things that other people would do to have the things that other people have.
And then one day you realize it’s not because you don’t care, and it’s not because you’re lazy, and it’s not because you’re wrong in any kind of way. It’s because you have a processing disorder, and everyone has made you feel like sh*t for having a processing disorder that keeps you from being able to do what you want and know is yours to do.
And all my life I have carried this guilt and shame. And all my life I have had people of influence… I’ve had teachers, family members, coaches, mentors, even other classmates/students say “all you have to do is this,” “all you have to do is that.” “This is what I do when that happens.” “All I do is this,” “all I do is that.” And you try. You work your ass off and you’re still failing. And you know something is wrong with you because everybody else is doing it, but you aren’t. Everybody else seems to be trying less, not working as hard, but they’re so far ahead. And you wonder, “What the f*ck is wrong with me?”
And then one day you realize you have been guilted and shamed your whole life for having an invisible — motha f*cking – processing disorder. You have gone your whole life trying and trying and trying and being told you’re not trying. You’ve been going your whole life fighting and struggling, and staying up late and getting up early, to still not win, still be unsuccessful, to still feel like a hamster on the wheel, because you have a processing disorder that makes everything hard. It keeps you from finishing and makes focusing beyond challenging.
And one day you realize that’s all the shame that you’ve taken on from church folk who think they know what’s going on with you. And you realize that you’re struggling and you’re behind, not because the “enemy” has convinced you that you are not worthy, and don’t want it, and can’t have it. But that you are a person dealing with a processing disorder that keeps you from being able to complete your work, to complete your thoughts, to complete your projects. And that you come off as unreliable because of a processing disorder that keeps you from being able to do the things you would want to do.
And the unfortunate thing is that the ways that this processing disorder in a way mimics or seems similar to, the way other people “get in their own way,” and when you also have self-esteem issues and insecurities from being shamed, and criticized, and yelled at, and told that you “don’t care,” and that you’re “not trying,” and that you “just don’t want it,” you actually believe what you’ve been told… that it’s you, and that you aren’t trying, and that you are insecure, so that’s why you’re not doing more.
And one day you realize that, although you do deal with insecurity, and although you do deal with self esteem issues, and although you do have a lot of shame and blame and people’s critiques running in your mind (that get in the way), that the majority of the reason why you are not doing the things that you know are yours to do, is because you have a processing disorder that is keeping you from being, from doing, and having all that you know is yours.
One day you release the shame and decide that “if this is me, then I will work with the brain I have” and stop trying, and fighting, and taking on more shame. And you decide that the people who think they know so much about what’s going on with you, you’ll allow them to think whatever the f*ck they want to think about it. And you will continue speak out about what’s really going wrong with you so that other people who are dealing with a processing disorder that gets in the way will know that they aren’t the problem.
And on the days when you have energy, and focus, and drive all working on the same day, you’ll do great things. And on the days when none of those are working, or they’re only working one at a time, you’ll do what you can. And you’ll love yourself anyway.
You’ll look at what’s in your heart, and in your mind to do, and feel good about yourself because of who you are, rather than what you’ve done, rather than how you’ve shown up for other people, rather than based on competition with others. You will look at yourself for the heart, and the drive, and the desire that’s within you and not for the results.
You leave that to other people. Other people can look at their life and base their love for themselves, and their sense of value, on their results. But you will acknowledge that you have a processing disorder that often leaves you without results and with just good intentions. And you will love yourself anyway.
And that’s all I have to say on this for now. And I am so proud of myself for coming to this new level of self-acceptance and self-love.
Just as I have done before, I will do great things. And on some days I will do no things. Some days I will only do my responsibilities and that’s all. And I will love myself anyway because I know my intentions. And I will stop going to bed late because I’m hoping that eventually I will get the energy, and the focus, and the drive to do the things that I was created to do.
I will love myself anyway. And I will go my ass to bed. And I’ll try again tomorrow.
And I’m not going to give up, because I realize that I have a processing disorder that makes life challenging, and makes it hard for me to compete and keep up with what everyone else is doing. And it causes me to not be doing the things that I would want to do. But I will keep trying. And I will keep showing up.
And on those days when drive, energy, and focus are all working together… when I have both motivation and ability, and can focus on the task and have the energy to do it all at the same time, I will do great things. And on the other days, I will love myself for wanting to do great things.
And I release the shame of religiosity masquerading as intelligence. Everybody doesn’t know just because they have a hunch. Some things you only know if you’ve lived it.
And this is something very few people really live and understand. But being in circles with other people with ADHD, and executive dysfunction, and other neurodivergent qualities and traits, and people who struggle with mental illness, mental health, better yet, mental wellness challenges… they understand, and they know, and they helped me to know.
So I will be a person who speaks out and lets people know that it’s not you, but it’s a processing disorder that makes it challenging to be, to do, and to have. And that it’s not your fault and you don’t need to feel shame about it.
Blessings.
This is Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist with Share & Let’s Live!
Have an amazing whatever time of day it is where you are.
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