Givers Beware of Takers

You deserve reciprocity. That’s not too much to ask.

Today, I’m sharing a growth moment as a recovering people pleaser. I had been feeling bad for years about an incident where I offended someone by standing up for myself. It was just minutes ago that I realized something I never thought of before…

Two women standing in a warmly lit kitchen, one serving a plate of food to the other. Overlaid text reads: “Beware of people who ask and take and get upset when you request reciprocity. People who really care about you treat you like you matter. If they’re eating, they’ll make sure you eat, too.” — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist. mdillondesigns.com/blog

Some people recognize your value long before you do. They are keen at noticing opportunities and if you’re not careful they’ll use you up and move on to the next.

One of the challenges of not being used to support is that when people sell me their good intentions toward me, I can get fooled. I’ve had numerous situations where I let someone sell me on the front end of their vision. They convinced me that it would be the opportunity of a lifetime to align with them. I got fully on board, gave more than I should have and supported what they were doing, only to later realize that they were just using me. They didn’t care at all about my next steps, my vision, my needs, or my intentions. They just saw what value I would bring to what they were doing and roped me in.

I learned the hard way that opportunistic people will have you support them for free while they get paid. They won’t be thinking at all about how they can actually help you. They only care about themselves and what they’re getting out of it. They’ll ensure that they are receiving tangibles while they offer you hopes and prayers. And if you happen to realize it, and actually confront them, they’ll have the nerve to get offended.

I am grateful for the good friends that I have come to know over the years. I have people in my life who show me that they are for me through ACTIONS not just words. I have people who promote me, rather than sell me potential opportunities. I have people who don’t just tell me that they like what I’m doing, but they buy my products, share my posts, and tell people about the work I’m doing.

I’ve had people come along who I really got excited about because they made me think they were giving me opportunities, but when I looked at the work they requested of me versus what they were offering, I realized that they were just taking advantage.

I carried shame for years about a speaking event that I was invited to participate in. The organizer needed a last minute replacement and asked for me to bring my book (I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!) to sell at the event. At first, it seemed like a great opportunity. New potential readers an opportunity to connect with people who may want to book me to speak in the future. I was on board. However, the closer we got to the event, the more I realized I was doing a whole lot of giving, but not getting much in return.

I wasn’t getting paid to speak. I made peace with that because of the opportunity to sell my book. But then the organizer said that she would sell my book under consignment. So since it was last minute I had to pay extra to order books for inventor for the event (that’s money out of pocket). Then she was planning to sell my book and take a large percentage of the sales. So I was basically losing money while she was making full profit. I wasn’t going to be compensated in any way, not even for travel.

At the time, I was not aware of being neurodivergent, or how I process information, and didn’t know anything about alignment or paying attention to how I feel. I just knew that as it got closer and closer to time to head to this event, I was feeling so much dread. It was in this time that I began to dissect our interactions and the arrangement. And I realized that this woman was not supporting me, she was using me. She came off as a mentor, that wanted to give me an opportunity. But I soon realized that she was the only one winning while I was losing.

I barely had enough money for gas to get to the event. And I couldn’t guarantee that if I did sell any books that I’d be able to take home enough (after her cut) to put gas in the car. I realized that the whole situation was really effed up and she DID NOT have my best interest at heart. She wasn’t thinking about me at all.

One thing about me is that I physically cannot make myself do something I don’t agree with. Once I am convinced that it’s not a good move, I can’t move. I’ve pulled up to places and not been able to get out of my car… like workplaces. 😂 I just can’t. My body will shut down and my legs won’t move.

Well… that’s what happened with that event. Once I realized all that was going on that was for her, and against me, I couldn’t go. I felt so irresponsible and horrible for it, but at the same time I felt totally justified because that chick did not care at all about me. So like two hours or so before they event, I called and cancelled. I was honest, though. I told her that the arrangement was set up for her to win and for me to fail. She was appalled and offended. And she was/is a respected someone so I knew that what I did would possibly have consequences. But the way I’m built, none of that mattered. I couldn’t go. So I didn’t. And I did the most responsible and professional thing I could do in that moment which was to communicate. And she had to figure it out and find herself a new speaker.

I was just thinking of that incident a few minutes prior to writing this. And the same shame feeling came up—for having cancelled last minute leaving her to scramble, possibly ruining her event. Up until this moment, I was still feeling bad for how I handled things. But I never should have been in that position. If she actually cared about me as a new author and really wanted to support me, she would have seen that the win was that I was coming to speak for free when she was out a speaker. And in kindness for me showing up for her, she would’ve let me have the little $20-30 I would’ve made off of my book sales.

At that time that money would’ve been LIFE to me, because I was struggling. I was driving my daughter to school an hour each way. I’d take her to school some days not knowing how I was going to have enough gas to pick her up that evening. So I’d stay in the area, work, and sleep in my car in the Target parking lot, so I could make it home with her without running out of gas.

I said “yes” to the opportunity because I believed the opportunity was mutually beneficial. I thought I was helping her AND she was helping me. But I soon learned that she was helping herself and herself. And I’ve come across people over the years who have the same mentality. They make it seem like they are for you, but they really are only for themselves. I don’t have a problem with a person being selfish. I do have a problem with a person presenting themselves as a giver when they are a taker.

I think that I have now had enough of these moments of walking into a dream I was sold only to wake up and realize it’s a nightmare. I feel like I am quicker now to recognize when a person is the only one winning. I realize that being desperate will have “you” saying “yes” to apparent opportunities that should be a strong “no.” And I honestly hate that it takes me longer to recognize these moments than it may take others. I still do expect people are going to do right by me simply because I’m a nice person. And I’m grateful 🙄 for these life lessons that have helped me to recognize people’s selfish intentions a little earlier.

If I had one lesson I wish I could’ve told my former self, it would be that “people who really have your best interest at heart will share their food. They will ensure that your efforts are TANGIBLY compensated, because you cannot buy food, gas, or pay bills with ‘possible networking opportunities.’ Opportunistic people will have you work for free, while they get paid. Don’t let them use you. If they got paid, and you worked, you should get paid, too. And if they have a problem with that, walk away with your head held high. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

—Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
#ThingsILearnedTheHardWay #hopesandprayers

If this resonated, please like and/or share this post.
– If you’d like to support my work:
buymeacoffee.com/marlenedillon
$proud2bnaturalme or visit my Support Page for other options.

To learn more about me and all the empowerment I offer tap here.

Replace Judgment with Compassion

I know I shouldn’t care, but sometimes I wonder if when I do my honest posts about not being in the best emotional state, if there are some FB “friends” (lurkers) that eyeroll and think, “Here she goes with her ‘I need attention’ posts. 🙄 I wish she’d just get her sh*t together and get over herself.” I mean, it would suck, but it’s possible…

I don’t really do that here, but I am really open about my journey. So I’m gonna share here, what I shared there (on my personal Facebook page) earlier.

It is a beautiful blessing that is often overlooked to be able to set an intention and follow through on it. Sounds simple. You set a goal, you create a plan, you execute it, you navigate challenges, goal complete.

Being able to do that is not automatic, simple, readily available for everyone. I am one of those people who it’s really hard, bordering on so challenging it feels damn near impossible most days. It’s hard for people to see that in me because of the things I have done.

I admit that I am very gifted. I am capable of doing a lot of things well. I have multiple gifts across several disciplines. Given what I am able to do, it would seem that I should be doing really well in life. And that the only reason a person this talented and skilled is not one of the most successful …. pick a career(s)…. has to be because either I’m not trying, I’m not confident, I’m lazy, I don’t want it enough, etc.

The reality is that I have been told those things my whole life. I have believed those things my whole life. I have tried harder my whole life. I have worked on me since high school, at the very least, just knowing that if I tried harder I could do, be, have way more, because I am smart, talented, and have all these great creative ideas and multitude of skills.

And then over the last two years or so (mostly last year) I actually started to pay attention to myself. Rather than just keep saying, “all I have to do is try harder,” I actually thought about what I was saying. And I realized I try harder every day. I wake up every day with the same successful intentions. I go to bed every night having tried my best and mostly failed at accomplishing what I set out to do…. not because I didn’t try, but because my mind wouldn’t let me.

I started to pay attention to what was actually happening every day. I started paying attention to what I was actually intending, planning and doing. I paid attention to my energy levels throughout my day. I paid attention to what happened when I woke up focused and how I still ended up not having a successful day. I paid attention to what was actually happening versus my intentions. I started doing research on what I was experiencing. I started to notice how often my days were actually successful (by my standard that I completed the tasks/projects I intended for that day/time period). I started to look at the bigger picture. I saw what was accomplished versus what wasn’t. How many days I was successful versus how many days I was frustrated because I couldn’t rally or wrangle my brain to follow through on my intentions…

I realized something important. I realized that effort wasn’t the issue. My brain and body were the issue. I was really giving it my all but I had nothing to give. I couldn’t think, focus, plan, execute, follow through. I would try really hard to be successful and complete tasks EVERY DAY. But I couldn’t focus, couldn’t remember what I was supposed to be doing, was inexplicably exhausted from the activities of the morning, couldn’t get my mind to stop looping on convos and earlier interactions. I wanted to do work, but just couldn’t.

I realized that all the things that people told me about myself, weren’t true. And I’m still discovering those things to be untrue. I’m not insecure about my abilities. I’m actually quite confident. (I may deal with insecurities around convincing someone else that I’m the truth, but I don’t doubt it.) I’m not lazy. I work really hard at what I am able to and what really matters to me. I recorded, edited, and posted a podcast every day for over a year straight. Do you have any idea how much work that is? I’m talking on weekends, on days I was sick, on days from hell when life lifed all over me. I still edited audio, blended tracks, designed memes, wrote descriptions (and sometimes full blogs) to go with the episodes, posted to different platforms (which meant following different protocols and adjusting the details for each). And I did it every day.

And I have self-published projects on new year’s eve at least 3 times (meaning I did all the work that day and published by midnight). When I’m hyperfocused I will go without sleep, food, interaction until I get it done. But that kind of focus only comes a few times a year (yeah, YEAR not week, not month…), maybe 6 days out of 365. So most days I’m honestly just miserable because I have needs that aren’t being met because I’m not completing tasks… because I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want it enough. I couldn’t want it more. For about a decade, I have been in agony daily because my brain won’t let me do the work I set out to do.

And it was just last year that I realized that I have lived my whole life with an extreme cognitive impairment. That the processing disorder I was diagnosed with a few years ago was not just a minor inconvenience. And a few days ago I did some research and discovered that as it presents in me it is a full on functionally limiting disability! And I had NO IDEA.

I had been beating myself up every f*cking day for my whole life. Giving in to the labels of “lazy,” “stupid”, a “waste of talent.” Taking on spiritual guilt for not using the gifts God gave me. The disorder itself even kept me forgetting that I came to these conclusions so I’d go right back to beating myself up for not doing, being, and having more.

The way society, friends, and family think it’s in my head and that I’m just buying in to nonsense circulating currently that’s got “everybody thinking they’ve got ADHD.” 🙄 The conversations I’ve been having lately that show me that it presents obviously in me in so many ways, and people STILL think I’m just giving up my power to a fake diagnosis. 😒

People think they’re being supportive and they think they know what it really looks like so that can’t be me. I used to think the same until I actually researched about it. Honestly, the more I learn the more I think an AuDHD diagnosis is more likely, but either way I know that I am trying (and failing) every day. And I’m not calling myself a failure by saying that. I am saying that every day I set out to do things that I am fully capable of doing, but can’t do because my mind won’t get on board.

If you go to write a book, but you can’t think. You can’t write a book. If you go to write a course, but can’t focus, you can’t write the course. If everything you do and create comes from your mind as original thoughts and ideas, and you can’t get your mind to focus, you cannot do your work. That is what my days look like. More days than not.

On the days that I am able to pull off creating something, publishing something, posting something, I’m very happy. But if you know anything about making money, you know that you have to promote and sell what you create…. repeatedly and consistently. How do you do that if you only have energy and focus simultaneously a few days out of the year?

Sooo…. why am I telling you this? Good question. Honestly most of my posts of late are just me working through my own sh*t and making sense of it and posting it in case someone else needs to work out their sh*t, too. I’ve been blessed to be a blessing by sharing these epiphanies. Sometimes it helps people understand their loved ones. Sometimes my posts help people feel seen. Sometimes my posts lead to someone considering being assessed because they relate so much to what I share.

And ultimately, I share because I feel inspired to do so. It’s not up to me how it lands… or who it’s for… or even when you’ll see it. I just share it because it feels right to do so. And I hope that if nothing else my sharing helps you develop an additional perspective that can help you be more compassionate toward others, realizing that people can be going through all kinds of stuff in the background that you’ll never know. My hope is that my posts bring greater understanding and love in the world… even if that is just toward me.

Anywho, gonna post this and try to have a successful day….

Oh, and one good thing came out of my epiphanies last year. I no longer beat myself up for not being able to do more when I just can’t get my brain on board. I allow myself to take a break, take a nap, get something to eat, revisit it later. Sometimes that helps, other times that nap lasts all day. Either way, I just let it be as it is. Am I happy about it? No. Do I accept it? Yes. Does it still stress me out? Yes. That’s one of the main reasons I’m depressed and anxious most of the time. And why I end up needing hugs and prayers and such, because unproductive days don’t bring cash. And I need it to sustain life… now more than ever.

So, yeah. I’m doing my best. And that’s really all any of us can do.

You’re welcome for the TMI. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being kind and compassionate and making our world better by your presence. I’m gonna keep pressing through and ignoring the intrusive thoughts that… well…. that’s for another post (oh yeah, I already posted it. “On Sooiszidull Ideation” by @marlenedillonempowerment on YouTube).

Anywho….

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

When Things Feel Hopeless

I came across this episode while listening to my podcasts on SoundCloud. I originally recorded it over a year ago, but the message is sooo relevant today. If what’s going on in the world has you feeling weary and hopeless, this one is for you. The recording and description below are exactly as I originally posted. I hope this message encourages you. Blessings!

I wasn’t going to record a podcast today. And then I thought about it that others may be feeling like I am. It might be helpful to share what I’m doing to find my way back to center.

Colorful closeup of rippling water. Text states: “When life feels outside our control, the best we can do is pause and breathe, pull our thoughts in closer to ourselves, and focus on what is within our control.” — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

No fancy description today. Just press play if you need a little encouragement.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Learn more about me….

Tap to learn about Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Tap to learn about my online course for parents!
Learn about my personalized gifts, tees, & bday supplies!
Learn about my empowering children’s book!

If you’d like to support my work, please check out my Support Page for multiple options. Thank you so much for being here.

Visit my Support Page

If you’d like to check out more of my blog posts or podcast episodes, tap the button below and just keep reading, listening, and scrolling. Oh, and subscribe while you’re there so you know when I post a new one.

Check out more posts!

Love Them While You Can

Gonna keep this as light as possible.

I’m dedicating this episode to my gratitude partner and dear friend, Diana. She was my most active listener from the beginning. And she was so proud of me and encouraged me every day. For the last 7 years or so we shared with each other one thing we were grateful for every day before we went to bed. Unfortunately, she passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago. Today is her birthday so I’m choosing to share something positive rather than sit around feeling sad.

Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.
FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!

I learned a lot from this experience, of losing someone you think you’ll be creating so many more memories with. So on this episode I’m sharing about the importance of not putting things off. If you love someone make sure they know it. Don’t assume. Say the words. If you are planning to catch up with someone, make that call, send that text, shoot them that email. The one thing that people always say in situations like this is, “I thought I’d have more time.” So with this episode, I’m trying to ensure you utilize the present.

My intention in sharing this episode is to simply offer you the opportunity to learn from my experiences and be more intentional in your relationships. I do not feel like this episode is heavy. And I do want you to protect your energy. If death is not a concept you can handle right now maybe circle back on this episode later. If you’re unsure about this one, I recommend that you press play, listen for 5 minutes, and then you’ll have a good idea of the tone.

Thank you for being here. I hope you gain a lot from this episode. Sending you much love.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

I have good news. 🥹

My new book, What’s Your V.I.B.E. is now available for purchase. This project is one that Diana was looking forward to me completing. Late last night, I finally got the nerve to check out the proof I received in the mail days ago. I had just received the notification on my phone reminding me that today is her birthday. When I opened the packaging I was so nervous. I’ve edited it twice. And I am very happy with the results. I love it. So I decided to release it today in honor of her birthday. So I’ll always have a good memory on this day.

It’s available now on Lulu.com. Learn more about it below.

Use the button below to purchase your copy of What’s Your V.I.B.E. today!

What is What’s Your V.I.B.E.?

A daily journal designed to help you focus, reflect, and move through your day with more intention.

Rather than overwhelming you with long prompts or rigid systems, this journal offers a simple, repeatable structure to help you check in with yourself, clarify your intentions, and plan your day with clarity and ease.

Whether you’re feeling scattered, overwhelmed, or just need a few minutes to reset, this journal helps you realign with your priorities and move through your day with greater awareness.

Get Yours Today