It’s crazy how life can knock you on your ass so hard you forget who you were. I’ve been waking up to this reality about myself.
This morning, I woke up and after a little stretching I started to think about places I’ve been, and things I’ve done… things I forgot about…
It started with a memory of driving into the parking lot of a place in Chicago called The Little Black Pearl. It’s a beautiful space that supports the community with programming centered around the arts and youth empowerment (and some other great things I cannot recall now, so please look them up).
Oh yeah… I was saying that I had this memory of being in the parking lot… then I had another of being on the side of the building and of what it looked like to go in… it was then that I remembered my cousin being there… that she showed up with her daughter(s) to see me… I spoke there. I forgot that. Why is that important? Because just days ago I was on their website thinking about how I needed to visit that place… as in, go for the first time. Even now, as I recall going through the site, I remember seeing an image… a photo, where I recognized a woman, she taught the glassblowing class I visited. I even have a gift she gave me from that class sitting in my window. All of this memories sitting on top of each other… these memories I made there that have all drifted away as isolated, unrelated incidents that haven’t combined to say, “Girl. You’ve been there. You’ve lived in this space. You’ve done things. Wake up.”
This morning, I wrote a post (on Facebook, my personal wall) after having these memories resurface. A thank you message. And rather than attempt to find excerpts, I’ll just add it below and call it today’s blog post. It’ll get you caught up on… me…
Flashing back to all the natural hair events and parenting workshops I did over the years, the I’m Proud to Be Natural Me ! events, book signings, talks, etc. Thinking of the books purchased, the T-shirts, mugs etc. The posts shared. I just want to say thank you.
Thank you to those who have been supporting me in little and big ways for all these years. The shares, the comments, the purchases. The last minute phone calls because you needed a birthday present and chose to buy from me. Thank you.
Thank you for the open doors, the invitations to speak, the connections, the friend suggestions. Thank you.
Since 2018, life has been handing me some hard stuff, some really dysregulating stuff that rocked my world so bad that it knocked the wind out of me and has left me scrambling just to survive.
So much back to back stuff happened with no recovery that I honestly forgot about a lot of that, and that I ever did it, much less how to get back to it.
What I know now is that it’s called autistic burnout. It’s where you can be doing stuff well, winning in a particular area, but life can hand you some stuff so tough that it overwhelms your resources. Simple things that you’ve always been able to do can become inaccessible.
The effort that it takes to be a neurodivergent person passing as neurotypical… The little things you’ve always done to not stand out too much, to not seem different, to make everyone think you get it, you understand, that what’s automatic to everyone else makes sense to you… the masking… All of it on top of just being becomes too hard.
Your would seems to be falling apart. As you can no longer hide all the steps and strategies and pretence that goes into you being you…. All you have is your authentic self and a loss of skills because you’ve overwhelmed your system. Life broke… no… rebooted you… without warning… and with no backup disk.
I’ve been finding myself slowly, remembering myself slowly, waking up slowly from this fog…
And this isn’t a sad post… At least it’s not intended to be. It’s literally me being aware for the first time for real that it’s… that this really has been happening to me. Whole years of my life… 8 to be exact… went by in a blur because I’ve been in survival mode… all I’ve had energy for the last EIGHT years is to survive each day… to get up, take care of my child, tend to her needs, try to create something, try to sell something, maintain an online presence, take care of those who need me, survive a pandemic, a major illness of a parent, the unexpected loss of multiple friends and loved ones, navigating single motherhood and forced co-parenting with an estranged ex, living with my parents as a grown woman raising a child…. It was all too much. And it broke me. And it took me 8 years to even realize it.
I’m just now, in the last few weeks realizing it, and probably… honestly today accepting it. I have busts of ME here and there: a new painting here, a new book there, but it’s just a few times a year. Most days I’m fighting for it… just doing what I can to make it through.
And I don’t know why I’m telling you. I just know that I am. I am here, doing my best and honestly it’s all I’ve got And financially, it’s not enough. You don’t get to take breaks in adulthood without consequence, unless you’re rich. I’ve never been. So I’ve been going through it. And it’s been bad, real bad. But I’m still here. I haven’t given up. We got her to senior year. And I’m trusting we’ll get her all the way through and to college.
Trying to get off the mat. Giving it all I’ve got. And it’s not easy. So if you see me asking for prayer, a hug, good vibes, know I need it All of it. And if you’re ever in a position to do more. To buy, to give, to share, to help me sell a painting, whatever, please don’t hesitate. I’m barely off the mat. I need all the help I can get. 
-Best ways to support (not all are monetary) are here: mdillondesigns.com/support
- Purchases of products (eventually) help too. I just have to wait until I’ve sold enough products to receive a payout (on Zazzle). That’s not the case with Amazon though so please buy my book, or with my udemy course. I get paid the following month with those. So please don’t let that deter you from buying I need the money and it does come to me eventually so by all means please support. Here’s a link to all my stuff: mdillondesigns.com/shop
