You deserve reciprocity. That’s not too much to ask.
Today, I’m sharing a growth moment as recovering people pleaser. I had been feeling bad for years about an incident where I offended someone by standing up for myself. It was just minutes ago that I realized something I never thought of before…
Some people recognize your value long before you do. They are keen at noticing opportunities and if you’re not careful they’ll use you up and move on to the next.
One of the challenges of not being used to support is that when people sell me their good intentions toward me, I can get fooled. I’ve had numerous situations where I let someone sell me on the front end of their vision. They convinced me that it would be the opportunity of a lifetime to align with them. I got fully on board, gave more than I should have and supported what they were doing, only to later realize that they were just using me. They didn’t care at all about my next steps, my vision, my needs, or my intentions. They just saw what value I would bring to what they were doing and roped me in.
I learned the hard way that opportunistic people will have you support them for free while they get paid. They won’t be thinking at all about how they can actually help you. They only care about themselves and what they’re getting out of it. They’ll ensure that they are receiving tangibles while they offer you hopes and prayers. And if you happen to realize it, and actually confront them, they’ll have the nerve to get offended.
I am grateful for the good friends that I have come to know over the years. I have people in my life who show me that they are for me through ACTIONS not just words. I have people who promote me, rather than sell me potential opportunities. I have people who don’t just tell me that they like what I’m doing, but they buy my products, share my posts, and tell people about the work I’m doing.
I’ve had people come along who I really got excited about because they made me think they were giving me opportunities, but when I looked at the work they requested of me versus what they were offering, I realized that they were just taking advantage.
I carried shame for years about a speaking event that I was invited to participate in. The organizer needed a last minute replacement and asked for me to bring my book (I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!) to sell at the event. At first, it seemed like a great opportunity. New potential readers an opportunity to connect with people who may want to book me to speak in the future. I was on board. However, the closer we got to the event, the more I realized I was doing a whole lot of giving, but not getting much in return.
I wasn’t getting paid to speak. I made peace with that because of the opportunity to sell my book. But then the organizer said that she would sell my book under consignment. So since it was last minute I had to pay extra to order books for inventor for the event (that’s money out of pocket). Then she was planning to sell my book and take a large percentage of the sales. So I was basically losing money while she was making full profit. I wasn’t going to be compensated in any way, not even for travel.
At the time, I was not aware of being neurodivergent, or how I process information, and didn’t know anything about alignment or paying attention to how I feel. I just knew that as it got closer and closer to time to head to this event, I was feeling so much dread. It was in this time that I began to dissect our interactions and the arrangement. And I realized that this woman was not supporting me, she was using me. She came off as a mentor, that wanted to give me an opportunity. But I soon realized that she was the only one winning while I was losing.
I barely had enough money for gas to get to the event. And I couldn’t guarantee that if I did sell any books that I’d be able to take home enough (after her cut) to put gas in the car. I realized that the whole situation was really effed up and she DID NOT have my best interest at heart. She wasn’t thinking about me at all.
One thing about me is that I physically cannot make myself do something I don’t agree with. Once I am convinced that it’s not a good move, I can’t move. I’ve pulled up to places and not been able to get out of my car… like workplaces. 😂 I just can’t. My body will shut down and my legs won’t move.
Well… that’s what happened with that event. Once I realized all that was going on that was for her, and against me, I couldn’t go. I felt so irresponsible and horrible for it, but at the same time I felt totally justified because that chick did not care at all about me. So like two hours or so before they event, I called and cancelled. I was honest, though. I told her that the arrangement was set up for her to win and for me to fail. She was appalled and offended. And she was/is a respected someone so I knew that what I did would possibly have consequences. But the way I’m built, none of that mattered. I couldn’t go. So I didn’t. And I did the most responsible and professional thing I could do in that moment which was to communicate. And she had to figure it out and find herself a new speaker.
I was just thinking of that incident a few minutes prior to writing this. And the same shame feeling came up—for having cancelled last minute leaving her to scramble, possibly ruining her event. Up until this moment, I was still feeling bad for how I handled things. But I never should have been in that position. If she actually cared about me as a new author and really wanted to support me, she would have seen that the win was that I was coming to speak for free when she was out a speaker. And in kindness for me showing up for her, she would’ve let me have the little $20-30 I would’ve made off of my book sales.
At that time that money would’ve been LIFE to me, because I was struggling. I was driving my daughter to school an hour each way. I’d take her to school some days not knowing how I was going to have enough gas to pick her up that evening. So I’d stay in the area, work, and sleep in my car in the Target parking lot, so I could make it home with her without running out of gas.
I said “yes” to the opportunity because I believed the opportunity was mutually beneficial. I thought I was helping her AND she was helping me. But I soon learned that she was helping herself and herself. And I’ve come across people over the years who have the same mentality. They make it seem like they are for you, but they really are only for themselves. I don’t have a problem with a person being selfish. I do have a problem with a person presenting themselves as a giver when they are a taker.
I think that I have now had enough of these moments of walking into a dream I was sold only to wake up and realize it’s a nightmare. I feel like I am quicker now to recognize when a person is the only one winning. I realize that being desperate will have “you” saying “yes” to apparent opportunities that should be a strong “no.” And I honestly hate that it takes me longer to recognize these moments that it may take others. I still do expect people are going to do right by me simply because I’m a nice person. And I’m grateful 🙄 for these life lessons that have helped me to recognize people’s selfish intentions a little earlier.
If I had one lesson I wish I could’ve told my former self, it would be that “people who really have your best interest at heart will share their food. They will ensure that your efforts are TANGIBLY compensated, because you cannot buy food, gas, or pay bills with ‘possible networking opportunities.’ Opportunistic people will have you work for free, while they get paid. Don’t let them use you. If they got paid, and you worked, you should get paid, too. And if they have a problem with that, walk away with your head held high. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
—Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
#ThingsILearnedTheHardWay #hopesandprayers
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