I learned some time ago, from my mentor, that we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time around. Given those odds, I’ve decided that I can no longer have people around me that I don’t respect.
On today’s podcast I share about how I’m making the transition from being nice to being kind. I no longer want to just keep people around me to be nice. I don’t want to be fake for the sake of being nice.
If I don’t like you, you can stay over there. Better yet, I’m gonna stay over here. And you can call that petty or immature or less than spiritual. I call it maintaining a healthy environment. I don’t want toxicity around me.
I prefer to surround myself with likeminded people. And one thing about me is that I don’t care who you are. I cut off friends, family, coworkers, whoever.
I get to preserve my environment. And I’ve decided to add a new layer of protection by no longer being nice. I’m choosing to be kind. And sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself (and another) is to be honest enough to not be fake. Just like you don’t have to like me, I don’t have to like you. Nor do I have to pretend I do. We can just part ways.
Yep…. so that’s what this one’s about. lol It’s actually light and funny. You should check it out. It might be time for you to cut some people off, or limit their access. Just sayin’.
On my blog and Share & Let’s Live! podcast, I share tips and tools that are transforming my life and mindset every single day. If you appreciate this FREE daily podcast (and are able), please consider sending a tip via Buymeacoffee. It’s a great way to support without breaking the bank. (No pressure, of course. If you’re unable, please know I understand.)
*** Note: Due to recent technical challenges (I need a new computer), I may not post a podcast every day. I will still try to post a blog and podcast when I can. Scroll down my Blog Page or SoundCloud to listen to hundreds of previous podcast episodes. ***
Thank you so much for being here! Thank you for reading and listening. And double thank you for liking, commenting, and sharing. It matters so much. 🥰
One of the greatest gifts of knowing your worth is that you value treatment above company.
I recently “fell out” (meaning, had an argument) with someone important to me. They came to me with so much anger and disrespect, blaming me for something that was their fault. I am not a person who argues. So if you get me to raise my voice, you have really taken it too far. (I wanted to say “got out your body” but I acknowledge that phrase is not used everywhere. 😆)
So I put this person in their place, told them that they were actually to blame for the situation they were in, and told them to leave me alone until they are able to speak to me respectfully. And I stood on that.
In the past, I would’ve let their attempts at small talk cause us to reconnect without addressing what happened. Not this time. In the past, I would’ve let the amount of time it’s been since we last spoke cause me to reach out to them. Not this time. In the past, I would’ve let my worries about, “What if something happens to them? I would’ve let this petty thing be the last conversation we had,” cause me to be the one who apologized, to end the tension, even though I knew I was in the right. Not this time.
I let them sit in it. I avoided them, because I didn’t want to be fake, and honestly I didn’t want to be around them, if they thought it was okay to disrespect me and just go on with their life. I let time go by and let them live without my presence. I recognized my worth, and did not chase them.
Well, today, they went out of their way to get to me and apologize. And I didn’t let them get away with just a, “Sorry.” I said, “Thank you,” then asked them what they were sorry for. When they went on to apologize for the disrespect and blame, and then took ownership, I knew we could move forward. And I was proud of myself for not just letting it go. I valued my standard, and made it clear that if they want my presence in their life, they needed to meet it. And for the first time, I stuck it out and didn’t let fear cause me to waver and lower my expectation.
The great thing about that is that now they know what my standard is and what my expectation is for the future. We don’t have to revisit this lesson again. They got it for themselves. If I had to explain to them what they did, or if I swooped in to restore the peace, I can almost guarantee we’d go through this again. But by remembering my worth, and not wavering, they got the lesson for themselves. They even learned something about themselves—that they tend to blame others for things that are their fault. So I’m grateful I didn’t back down. And that actually makes me think about a separate story and some quick lessons I want to share with you…..
So I had a dear friend who taught me to value myself more. I’m definitely not there fully, yet, but I raised my value from like 5% to 85% in their company. They taught me many things while we were close, and I’m gonna share a few of those with you, today.
“They’re gonna need you before you need them.” I was always running behind people to keep the relationship going. I never wanted them to leave. I never wanted things to end. I would reach back for exes, as I remembered the good times (of course, completely forgetting all the ways they made me feel unhappy and unloved). I would resurrect past relationships, and I’d be the only one working to maintain the present relationships.
As I was complaining to this friend about another friend who was giving me a hard time and draining my energy, they said, “Forget her (well they used the other “f” word, lol, but I’ll explain that later). She’s gonna need you before you need her.” And I thought about their words, and realized they were right. I didn’t really gain anything from that relationship. That friendship was draining when we did talk, and one I didn’t really miss when we didn’t talk. I was keeping it alive—checking on her periodically when we hadn’t talked in a while. And maintaining my “open door policy” when she needed advice. I wasn’t really getting anything out of the relationship. I mean, we had moments where she extended kindness here or there. But generally speaking the relationship was empty and I was the only one consistently putting anything in.
So when we had a falling out, I took that advice. I didn’t reach back. I let it fizzle out. And although periodically she crosses my mind, I don’t do what I used to. I don’t reach out. I say a little prayer and keep it moving. I don’t like to repeat toxic cycles.
FTB & FTS These two acronyms are phrases that help me let go of things when I’m tempted to ruminate. That dear friend would be on the receiving end of my rants about people doing me wrong and life going wrong, and their response was always the same—well, these plus one other, that I won’t share, lol. So FTB stands for “f*ck that b*tch,” and FTS stands for “f*ck that sh*t.” 😆
Let me tell you, those two phrases will give you so much relief when you’re all riled up. Sometimes people can really get to you, and sometimes life can really get you down. It’s the ultimate pivot moment when you declare to yourself, “Man, f*ck that b*tch,” and let people be as they are, or say to yourself, “F*ck that sh*t,” and just do what you’ve gotta do.
There are many others, but I’m hungry and my bacon just finished in the air fryer. So although I could sit here and try to hammer out one more lesson, “Man, f*ck that sh*t.” I’m about to eat. 😆
Hope this was helpful for you, or at least entertaining.
On my blog and Share & Let’s Live! podcast, I share tips and tools that are transforming my life and mindset every single day. If you appreciate this FREE daily podcast (and are able), please consider sending a tip via Buymeacoffee. It’s a great way to support without breaking the bank. (No pressure, of course. If you’re unable, please know I understand.)
*** Note: Due to recent technical challenges (I need a new computer), I may not post a podcast every day. I will still try to post a blog and podcast when I can. Scroll down my Blog Page or SoundCloud to listen to hundreds of previous podcast episodes. ***
Thank you so much for being here! Thank you for reading and listening. And double thank you for liking, commenting, and sharing. It matters so much. 🥰
Every morning, I wake up wanting to do, but I’ve entered a season where my work is to… be.
I’ve been at this business since 2011, chasing money through sharing what I can do. It’s never been my thing to be all about money, but I had an argument with my ex about not bringing in money, that made me feel so guilty, and as such a burden (as a stay-at-home mom), that I decided that I would start to create something that I could sell.
Today’s podcast episodes are below. BTW I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Blessings!
It’s not surprising that I coupled with someone who made me feel like a burden. I never made him feel like that while I was the only one working, but when the tables turned, it wasn’t long before he made it clear it was not his chosen path.
I was raised to not be heavy on people. Don’t be a burden. Don’t be an inconvenience. Don’t ask for anything. Always say, “No thank you.” These phrases were drilled into my psyche. No part of me was okay with feeling that I was too much weight for a person, so I found a way to make myself lighter.
I never really thought of it, until I started typing this, that it was his series of complaints that led to my frustrated scramble to figure out a way to work from home. I never wanted to leave my baby in the care of another before she was old enough to communicate. I just don’t trust people like that. So I searched for ways to be able to care for my daughter myself while bringing in an income. That’s when I discovered that I could set up a store with my own designs and sell them on coffee mugs and t-shirts and other gift items.
I wouldn’t go as far as to credit him for the creation of my brand, though. I don’t think he ever cared to notice what I was doing, as I sat at the computer designing products. Giving him credit would be like thanking your growling stomach for making you put in a job application. Either way, it is interesting to see that from that day, until now, I wake up each morning with the intention to do what I can to pull my own weight. It’s very telling of how long we can be doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.
May years ago I was watching an interview between Oprah and Gary Zukav. They were talking about the importance of intentions, and how (and this is my paraphrase) the universe responds to your true intentions, not the story you tell yourself about why you’re doing it.
I’ve always been a person that was not motivated by money. I always wanted to do things from a place of purpose. But when I got old enough to have bills to pay, and then a child to raise, I realized that no one gave a sh*t about my purpose. They just wanted their money on time. So I began to do whatever jobs I could get myself to stick with, for as long as I could get myself to stick with them. I’d try to block out my need for purpose as long as possible, and eventually it would always kick back in, and soon I’d be resigning again.
When I wrote, and self-published I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! (The book was written and published years after the products were out.) for the first time in a long time I felt connected to purpose. I was attending natural hair vendor fairs, and reading at daycares and schools, and eventually I started speaking to middle school girls and parents. All of that has felt very aligned with my purpose….
What I realize today… like literally, right now as I’m typing this… is that I have been navigating the duality all these years. I’m trying to move in my purpose, WHILE trying to prove my worth. I’m trying to do meaningful work, WHILE trying to bring in enough income to feel I’m not a burden. I’m trying to teach about self-worth, WHILE still recognizing my own….
When you teach a child that their worth is in what they do, when they aren’t doing it, they feel worthless. When you teach a child that their worth is in what they have, when they don’t have it, they feel worthless. When you teach a child that they only deserve what they earn, they will feel unworthy of kindness, gifts, and blessings. And when you teach a child that only hard work has value, then if their passion is for creative, intuitive, or spiritual work, they will feel unworthy of compensation.
Every day, I wake up with the same task… the same burden… Prove your worth. And each day I have attempted to do it from that same old flawed framework. I have been holding on to the bull I was taught about my worth, WHILE wondering why my purposeful work isn’t generating decent income.
What a huge discovery!
So the purpose of bringing up the past was to note that since the summer of 2011, I’ve been waking up every morning, trying to make myself useful. It sounds bad, but that’s essentially what it’s been.
On a few rare moments, I woke up and meditated and flowed in what I was guided to do, but for the most part, I’d wake up and soon after end up at the computer, trying to create, connect, sell, or learn… all for the purpose of DOING something to prove my worth. I was up DOing.
This morning, I woke up feeling great. I was calm and peaceful and content in the idea of BEING. Instead of the fearful urge to hop on the computer, I had the intuitive desire to journal. When I didn’t see my journal nearby, I quickly unraveled that layer of it’s okay to just BE and started to find something to DO.
I decided to continue cleaning my room, by breaking down Amazon boxes. Yesterday, after cancelling my plans because I just couldn’t “people,” I decided that I’d get up super early and go to the store at 6 am. That way, I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone in my house, I’d have a peaceful drive, and next to no one would be in the store. Bliss!
However, when I woke up, it was so dark outside, I knew it was way too early to head to the grocery store, as planned, so I moved around quietly attempting to clear space without accidentally waking anyone.
I did that successfully for a while, then sat down to bask in the silence of the house. It felt so peaceful that everyone was asleep for a change. BUT I waited a little too long. I heard my dad moving around upstairs. I knew that was bound to soon wake my mom. Then, before I could even hop up to put on clothes, the kids were up, and in the hallway outside my door. Sigh.
My beautiful plan was ruined.
In order to get out the door, I’d have to navigate the minefield of humans requesting that I do this, or guilt tripping me for not doing that. I just wanted to enjoy the bliss of waking up and moving through my day with no obligations to anyone. I just wanted to get to my car and enjoy my morning request free…. to just… BE.
If you can’t relate to this feeling, or think I’m being extra/ridiculously ungrateful to have family to serve…. yeah, this one is not for you. Feel free to scroll through other blog posts…. or not. By the way, lucky you. It’s a beautiful thing to not attach your sense of value to your ability to keep people happy. That’s something I’m working through. You can check out previous podcasts and blogs I’ve shared on healing from people pleasing. Might help you develop empathy. Anywho, I digress….
So as I listened to my family moving around at the buttcrack of dawn, I pictured the numerous versions of me slipping out of my room and running right into someone who wanted something. OR making it through one level of this house only to run into a person on the next level. Maybe that person wouldn’t want me to do something, maybe they’d just want to talk to me about why I missed the family’s annual event yesterday.
Yeah, all those scenarios sounded like ass, and I just couldn’t, so I pulled my covers back over my head, pulled my phone out, and went back to playing a video game until I fell asleep.
Sooo… I just woke up from that nap. I have no idea what time it is, but my hope is that one level is clear (since it’s Sunday and they should be at church). I’m going to try again to throw on clothes and sneak out of this house. I need this time to myself and I’m going to do all I can to protect it.
As an introverted, neurodivergent human, who deals with social anxiety and shame around not keeping people happy, I have to be very intentional about my energy. If I miss it, and use my energy in a way that is draining first thing in the morning, it can tank my whole day. I’ve learned to just take a nap, if possible, and restart the day.
That’s what I’m doing, now. I saw what my thoughts did on “take 1” so I’m going to approach things differently on “take 2.” This is not the time to beat myself up for not having more control of my thoughts. This is not the time to despise my family. This is not the time to feel like I’m doomed because I deal with some challenges that can make “simple” things hard. This is the time for focusing on my goal, and avoiding thoughts and actions that get in the way.
So instead of thinking about the same things I did last time, I will ask myself a simple question, make a simple checklist, and get the heck out this house.
“What do I need/need to do to get out of this house?” – Put on jeans and a top, any top – Grab my purse (keys are already attached) – Grab my shoes – Wash my face. (Nope. Too risky. Warm water from tea kettle on a paper towel.) – Oh! Grab my phone. – Run for the door. – Send a BRB text from the car.
So, that’s the plan. Fingers crossed.
I’ll circle back with an update, and to add the meme and post this, and let you know below how it went.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Update: I followed my checklist! I made it to the store! I didn’t run into any family on the way out! And I recorded TWO podcast episodes on the way to and from. Sound quality might be… interesting… but please check them out. Gonna be some good stuff. I’ll add them down here once I edit them. (This is such a fun way to share my day and my epiphanies. Thanks for being here!)
Here’s Part 1…
… and here’s part 2… Wait ’til you hear the second half. Wowsers!
Today, I had every intention of showing up as I always do. I was going to put my fatigue to the side, be who everyone expects me to be, and show up where I was expected to show up. But I just couldn’t do it.
Even now, as the event where I know my loved ones are gathered, I’m sitting here, in front of my computer typing. Because although I love them and want to be there, I am all out of people energy.
I fight through, and keep doing and being and going and showing up. I do it year round, day in and day out, and I am f*cking exhausted.
Yesterday, I had an interaction that knocked me on my ass. I was so surprised… shocked… dumfounded… not sure what the right word is, but I sure as hell didn’t see that sh*t coming.
For all I do, all I put up with, all I endure, all I sacrifice, I have the audacity to expect to be treated a certain way, and not below that. And the thought of doing more, of showing up, again, and being all “let’s act like this never happened” … yeah, I couldn’t do it, today. And not only could I not do it for them. I couldn’t do it for anyone.
I have swallowed so many offenses. I have kept going through so many form of disrespect, meanness, dismissiveness, and lack of consideration, that today, I chose to not care… just like everyone else has toward me, whenever it served them.
And I didn’t even do it to be petty. I am actually losing by not attending, and I’m still not going. I keep trying to talk myself into it. “Okay, I’ll go after I do this.” “Alright, I’ll just get dressed after I finish that.” And here I am sitting here, still in my pjs and the all-day event will be ending soon.
I just can’t do it. I can’t show up for them, today. I can’t pretend that all the heaviness is not present with me. I can’t pretend that I don’t remember the offenses. I can’t force myself to show up, as I’ve done so many times, because, today, my body is too aware of all I’ve put up with and I just can’t bring myself to move out that door.
And I guess today’s blog is my opportunity to make peace with that. Sometimes as…. the ones who carry certain labels in the family—the scapegoat, the f*ck up, the one who can’t get their sh*t together, the embarrassment, the big one, the dumb one, the (pick a label any label)—there comes a time when you get tired of still showing up knowing that’s the collective opinion, treatment, etc.
Today, I don’t want to, so I’m not gonna. Today, I’ll take all the “I can’t believe you didn’t show up,” and “I thought you were coming” comments and toss them in the trash can. Right now I’m deciding I don’t care.
I just want to be left alone. Having the house to myself was blissful. I cleaned, organized, mopped, and watched Bridgerton. I definitely felt the missing out energy, but I also felt really great about how peaceful it was in the house. I enjoyed watching my shows on full blast without having to turn them down for the love scenes. I enjoyed not having anyone ask me for anything. I enjoyed the bliss of a day to myself.
It sucked a bit that I had to miss something I look forward to annually in order to give myself this gift, but it worked for me. I did what I needed to do.
Sometimes we need to disappoint people to get slivers of what we want. I’ve desperately needed time to myself, and today I took it by giving up something else. People are going to be bothered, or concerned, by that and I’m letting that have nothing to do with me. These same people will act in their best interest even if it puts me in a bad position, so today I’m choosing me.
Some days you may have to look like the “bad guy” to preserve your own sanity. That was me today. I kept thinking about going and I knew that I just didn’t have it in me to fake it with people. If someone said the wrong thing to me, who knows what was going to come out of my mouth. People would want my typical energy and I don’t have it today. They were gonna neutral at best, not my bubbly, fun self.
Why be around people with that kind of energy? Might as well stay home and at least get some rest, recoop a bit, recharge.
As I sit here now, wondering if I can still go and grab some food at the event, I can’t help but think, if I show up now, somebody’s gonna want a ride home. And just like that the decision is made. I’m not going. I’ll deal with not getting anything to eat. I’ll deal with not getting to see loved ones today. I’ll deal with all who can’t believe I missed another family event. (I missed another one a few week ago.)
Look, I’m an introvert and I never get to be alone. That is draining as h*ll. Today, I took my “me time.” And thank you for reading as I processed my right to do so. I hope this gives you what you need to feel more at peace doing the same/similar, as needed.
Let me go ahead and enjoy the rest of this blissful Saturday. You have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.
Oh, and BTW, my daily podcast is on hiatus for the time being. My computer is showing signs that it is dying little by little. First the USB ports, now my mic won’t work (needed for the podcast), and yesterday my recording/editing software wouldn’t work. So…. for now I’ll share via blogs. I’ll try to do it daily, but I may just give myself a break. I clearly need it.
Anyway, … this is Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist with Share & Let’s Live! Have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.
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