So last year I came up with this idea of “unadulting.” Let me try and break down what that means to me….
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So you know how people talk about adulting? Honestly, that term can mean different things to different people. But the main idea of it is that there are certain activities, responsibilities, and expectations that are associated with being and adult. Also, as part of adulting there seems to be a list of things you’re not supposed to do anymore. Yeah, so “unadulting” is heavily questioning, or full on discarding, items on both of those lists.
I mean, I’m still gonna feed my child, take her to school, provide shelter, etc. AND if she needs a mental health day, I’m gonna think about her first, not her chance at perfect attendance. If I’m needing a pick-me-up, I may stop by the arcade in the mall BEFORE doing my work for the day. And I may occasionally skip through a parking lot, instead of walking like a boring adult. I’m just giving myself to be ME, and to let my inner child experience being a child. Because was little, I was the youngest so I kinda skipped childhood, trying to act older so I hang out with my siblings. So now is my time to play and collect Happy Meal Toys WHILE I take care of my daughter and do the responsible things that are necessities.
Anywho, on today’s episode I’m talking about dropping labels. For me, one label is that I am “non-confrontational.” Carrying that label has caused me not to stand up for myself at times when it was necessary. Maybe you’re an “introvert,” but sometimes you want to be social, but you don’t do it, because it doesn’t match your label. Maybe in your circle, people call you a “hot head,” so at times you want to let things slide, but you feel the need to act out or say something. I talk about these labels share my personal experiences with releasing my own labels.
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You’re not supposed to say this, but I will. You don’t say things like this because people will think that you’re jealous of their success and their good news, but I’m not.
I’m actually at a point in my life where I’m legitimately happy for people. I definitely have had seasons in my life where I was a complete hater. Seeing other people successful, or happy, or moving into a new home, or whatever, would make me sad and angry that it wasn’t happening to me. Now, I’m in a new season.
I’m in a season where I am so happy for you I love that you are having you’ve experienced WHILE I’m sad that I’m not. It’s not that you’re happiness makes me sad. I was already sad. And dealing with the seasonal affective disorder does not help.
Everything is heightened. My awareness of what isn’t right in my life is bigger. It feels bigger. And the ticking clock in my mind…. The goals that I wanted to reach before my daughter is a certain age. The challenges that I believe she wouldn’t experience, if I had more, could do more, and didn’t deal with the challenges I deal with.
I wanted to see her experience Christmas morning in our own home, while she’s a child and can still be excited about Christmas morning. I wanted to give her a dog and a cat and her own room where she had space to create and dance and have friends over. I wanted her to experience having a dad in the home, a good father who showed her what it’s supposed to look like.
Sometimes I don’t know where the neurodivergent part begins and where lack of confidence ends. I don’t know where my relationship with my parents impacts my present, or wear my past relationships fall in my current situation. I just know that it’s not how I wanted to be and somedays that’s hard to deal with than others.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with anxiety and depression on a regular basis is knowing when to pivot my thoughts. Sometimes things are worth contemplating. Sometimes thinking sends you down a rabbit hole of deep despair. Sometimes it’s good to acknowledge what’s not right so you can work on it. Sometimes when you don’t have the answers it’s the absolute worst thing you can do.
As I navigate the season, one of the biggest challenges for me is seeing everybody overcome their sh*t while I’m still in mine. Seeing people who I counseled come out of their sh*t, while I’m still in mine. Seeing people I coached to believe in their gifts and their business, continuously adding a zero while I’m making no money at mine. Coming to recognize how talented, multi-gifted, and anointed I am to inspire, uplift, support, and empower people and feeling handicapped to book, sell, or monetize any of it.
It’s challenging how hard it is for me to do simple things. It’s harder to think of the people who’ve come in my life and promise they would support, when they’re full intention was just to use me and move on.
Sometimes, a look at people enjoying their lives: buying houses, traveling, getting a new family pet, finding lasting love, and while I’m so happy for them, I think to myself, “Will this ever happened for me? Do I get to give my child this kind of life? Are the challenges that I deal with too big for me to overcome alone? Will I ever have help? Will I experience love again, the real kind that lasts? Was I chosen for a life that only gives to others but never truly gets to experience what others do?”
And as those questions file in, find that old, reliable depression start to creep back in. And most days, I pivot and find something uplifting to do. Another days I lean into it until I’m exhausted and just go to bed. And today, I did a little bit of both. When it got too much for me I started to listen to one of my favorite songs, that’s amazing at getting me out of that vibration. And then when I stopped playing it, and all the thoughts rushed back in, I decided to write this post.
If you deal with depression, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Do what works for shifting your mood and keep doing it. I don’t care if you have to have that song on repeat for 3 days. If you have to listen to that motivational speech in your earbuds while you work, do it. If you have to go back to your roots, and put on some old school gospel music, do it. Or if you need to have a little treat to shake the mood, if it’s not going to cause you major illness or something, do it.
I’m about to turn that song back on. It works for me. And I’m going to grab my canvas and finish working on this painting that I’ve been starting and stopping for weeks. And if I don’t feel like listening to that song I’ll probably put on a Christmas movie, a funny one not the sad ones or sentimental ones. I need to bring joy in. I’m going to layer it, for all my senses by lighting a scented candle. I’m going to focus off of the stuff that makes me sad and focus on my music, my movie and my art.
And I just want to say thank you for reading this. Thank you for being here. And if you are struggling please know that I am sending you love right now. We’re going to get through this. You’re not alone no matter how it may seem. We are all connected, and that’s why I was led to write this for you and for me. You are so loved that I was moved to share this, something that I would normally keep to myself. Our world is better with you in it, and thank you for being here.
I have plenty of blog posts and podcast episodes that you can listen to here. If you feel alone, definitely check out my podcast because I am talking directly to you. It’s my own cure for loneliness. It makes me feel more connected to share my stories with you. So if you are feeling alone please check out my podcast, you can find the newest episodes on my blog page.
“If you had to work for the affection/attention of a parent, you’re probably still doing that with others in your life.” — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
I was debating on if this will be a full blog post or not. Not sure how vulnerable I’m willing to get on this one. Just being honest.
I’ll just say that I caught myself overcompensating. I was about to go out of my way to do something for someone. It was something I didn’t need to do, technically couldn’t afford to do, and it was something that was unnecessarily inconvenient. And when I paused to and asked myself why I was volunteering, I was surprised by my answer.
I can’t really think of another way to say this, but, I was doing it to ensure they didn’t forget about me. I wanted to remind them of my value in their life. I was trying to refresh their memory of my goodness. Pretty sickening and sad. At least that’s how I felt initially.
Once I realized why I was doing it, my internal guidance… my higher self… the part of me that knows better kicked in and reminded me, “You know they already like you?” And then memories flooded in of moments, conversations, messages, etc. where this person made it very clear that they care about me and view me positively.
That’s when I realized that I am working to remind them that I am good because it feels like it can wear off, or run out. And I realized that is my old messaging.
For some of us—whether it was personality or culture or temperament or just stress—we learned early on that you had to do something different, noteworthy, or extraordinary to gain smiles, affection, and words of approval. Maybe you had to get an A on a test, make first chair in the orchestra, or win the spelling bee. Maybe you had to nail a solo, come first in the swim meet, or be the one who handed them the paper, their slippers, or their beer to be acknowledged….
For those of us who fall into that category of court jester or invisible, it is not unlikely that in your relationships you are still overcompensating to ensure they don’t forget you. And I’m writing this to you (as I just came to this conclusion for myself), the people in your life who love you might not need this from you. They may appreciate it, but chances are they already see you, they already love you, and they already know that you’re good.
This doesn’t mean that you have to stop being kind and stop being generous when your heart’s really in it. It just means to maybe start checking in with yourself to know that your heart is really in it… that you’re doing for the right reasons, that you’re doing it from a place of love, not fear.
A lot of us burn ourselves out by doing far more than people ask because we are still trying to prove our worth. And, today, I caught myself doing it and decided I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to trust that I am enough. I want to trust that people love me for who I am and that it’s not gonna wear off…. to know that I don’t have to work for the affection and attention of those who are truly on my team.
So I’m offering you the same opportunity, through this piece of vulnerability, to trust that you are enough…. and even to trust that people who love you can shift their expectations as you set new boundaries, where you sacrifice yourself less.
Sending you love and hugs.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
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On my blog and Share & Let’s Live! podcast, I share tips and tools that are transforming my life and mindset every single day. If you appreciate this FREE daily blog/podcast (and are able), please consider sending a tip via Buymeacoffee. It’s a great way to support without breaking the bank. (No pressure, of course. If you’re unable, please know I understand.)
Thank you so much for being here! Thank you for reading and listening. And double thank you for liking, commenting, and subscribing! It means so much to me that you’re connecting with what I share. 🥰
When we set goals outside our comfort zones, the bulk of the work may be internal, rather than external. I, of course, wish I learned this sooner, but I’m glad I figured it out while I still have two months left in this year.
I set some big goals this year. And I’m not on target. I didn’t take into account the twists and turns of life showing up again this year. And, honestly, I didn’t consider how the way my mind works, as well as, the deep inner beliefs that needed to shift in order for this year to end differently than last.
By simple awareness, this year has been huge in coming to understand all the ways being neurodivergent impacts my forward progress. I got to see ADHD show up in so many ways, as well as other things I deal with. This awareness is huge toward gaining more control of my life, even if I wish it didn’t take a year to see it. But, given that I went a good 40 years unaware of it, I guess that time was a blessing. (It would be awesome if this awareness now means that I am no longer responsible for finding ways to still get things done, or that I was suddenly going to have help getting through life. Well, to my knowledge, that’s not how life works (well, at least not for me).
So my work now is to note how achieving my current goals has been impacted by how my mind works, as well as, how the old stories, working in the background of my mind, are encouraging/discouraging me regarding what’s possible and how things work out for me. I get to us that knowledge to heal and work around my mind.
I get to create strategies with more steps. I get to shift my focus toward accomplishing the intentions of my goals, if not the specifics. I get to take pressure off myself and focus on inner healing knowing long term this will shift things to allow me to be more successful moving forward. I get to think about the memories that show up as I’m working, and make note of the ones that discourage me. I can sit with them and look at those memories with adult eyes. I can work through them with my inner child, reframing those old stories, and their messages, so they no longer get in my way.
And, of course, there is the practical work itself. I’ll get to that. It will be a natural next step on the journey once I clear these mental boulders. I’m on the right path. My journey is my own. And like I say all the time, “It takes as long as it takes.” I’m sharing this with you because maybe you can relate, or maybe someone in your life can relate. We can be so hard on ourselves, and our loved ones, for not making progress at the rate we desire. We judge and berate and get frustrated. We rarely take the time to see what’s in the way. We Yes. That needs to be done. Often, though, the practical work is the simplest part. It’s the thoughts, beliefs, and negative expectations that get in the way, so I’ve decided to pivot and address those so I can finish this year feeling proud of my progress… even if it’s primarily internal.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Thank you for being here. Here are some other important links that allow you to connect with, and support, my work. Blessings!
Use code: HEALMYFAM5 at checkout for a huge LIMITED TIME discount on my parent communication course Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship. Tap the button below, to learn more.
On my blog and Share & Let’s Live! podcast, I share tips and tools that are transforming my life and mindset every single day. If you appreciate this FREE daily blog/podcast (and are able), please consider sending a tip via Buymeacoffee. It’s a great way to support without breaking the bank. (No pressure, of course. If you’re unable, please know I understand.)
Thank you so much for being here! Thank you for reading and listening. And double thank you for liking, commenting, and subscribing! It means so much to me that you’re connecting with what I share. 🥰
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