I recorded a podcast today that I would’ve added if I didn’t need to edit it. So we’ll call this part one. And if get it edited within the next 24 I’ll add it. If not, I guess it’ll be the part two. It definitely can stand on it’s own. Just like this one. This was my post today on my personal Facebook wall. I thought it had value, so sharing it here. (It’s honestly possible that this becomes a three-part episode/blog post. Because after recording today’s podcast, I had some inner child work to do that might be good to share after I do it. We’ll see. But for now… here’s where it started…
Day before yesterday I decided that I was gonna limit my time on social media because I didn’t have anything positive to say.
Life has just gotten too heavy—too many moving parts, needs, responsibilities, challenges, and carrying too much pain and too many losses—to not have it accidentally leak out into everything I do/say.
It hurt to hear someone say that I’ve been really negative lately… followed by the amount of time that they’ve noticed. It gut-punched me.
I feel embarrassed because as far as depression is concerned, I wasn’t even considering myself depressed…. well, not until more recently. I’ve been actually dealing with my low lows way better and experiencing them less often. I’ve been finding my center, breathing to control anxiety, taking naps, and listening to good music.
To have someone say, “You’ve been really negative lately,” and then say, it was for the last 6 MONTHS, I was gutted. The little me that tries to keep smiling, tries to keep smiles on everyone’s faces, tries to not be a burden, felt like she failed. She dropped the mask. They saw. They know I am not okay. And that was not okay.
I’ve never been more honest about my mental health than I’ve been this year. I’m kinda at a f*ck it stage. I’m honest about it because I find purpose and value in sharing for those who can relate… for those who don’t feel something must be wrong with them because they’re not jumping for joy while the world is on fire. I share about my neurodivergent challenges for the same reason. Some see themselves and some see their loved ones. I want people to know they’re not alone. And honestly some days I’m just venting….
…. I was feeling “some kind of way” today. So burned out… like burnout has a subbasement and two levels beneath, where you need a key. I’m somewhere down there. I’m tired beyond belief, because instead of resting in insolation the last two (or more) weekends I’ve peopled…. I feel so worn the f*ck out from not being able to fill my cup, while constantly draining more and more from it….
And before I start leaking again… I’m just gonna end this… I’m just gonna try to only post when I have something of value to share. And maybe that’s the little girl in me retreating in shame. And maybe I’m just human too and way more honest than average. And I guess I’m writing this to say if my honest posts have become too negative for you… I guess it’s just authentically where I am. I’m not in the most positive place, so I’m going to take my own advice and seek a (an additional) therapist who can support me through this time. And, yeah… that’s that.
Thanks for “listening.”
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
I think this post gives a good lead in to the podcast I recorded. I omitted parts that will be distracting or possibly taken out of context. I am grateful I shared this as I saw some insecurities and old messages surface, and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to begin healing through inner child work and introspection. If ADHD is kind (meaning I remember to and have the motivation and focus simultaneously), I will post the part 2 asap. That way you’ll be able to witness and follow my inner healing process.
Thanks for being here. Fingers crossed that I post the part 2 🤞🏾😂.
