On today’s podcast, I talk about “transactional love,” “passive-aggressive generosity,” and a few other experiences that seem like support, but are actually hurtful. I explain these more, below, but I really explain them on the podcast.

I came up with this term today as I was trying to find the words to describe what I’ve experienced. “Passive-aggressive generosity” is giving in a mean-spirited manner. It’s when a person offers support and insults the recipient while they’re giving it. It’s when a person is generous while simultaneously being hurtful and unkind. I believe this happens because at their core, they don’t really want to help the person, and it seeps out. 

Passive-aggressive generosity, is similar to a backhanded compliment—when a person says something that seems nice, but it also feels like an insult. For example, “You look really nice! So glad you finally decided to make an effort.” It starts out nice, but ultimately doesn’t feel good to the recipient. 

An example of “passive-aggressive generosity” is if someone offers you a gift—maybe some money. And as they’re handing it to you, they say, “I figured you could use all the help you can get. Take this because I know you’re broke and can’t get your life together.” The gift part was nice, but the comments were hurtful. 

“Transactional love” is another term I use to describe when a person does an act of kindness with the expectation that the recipient now owes them. (And I call it “love” because, in my experience, people who do this actually think it’s an act of love.) 

It’s one thing when support is clearly expressed as a transaction. “Hey, I’m giving you this new TV so when I need something from you later, I know you’ve got me.” Under those circumstances the recipient is clearly aware that there is an intention to collect. It’s not fully a gift, and they know it. I have no problem with this. (I’ll probably back out and not take the gift, but at least I know upfront that there are terms.) 

Transactional love, on the other hand, is a major deal breaker for me. It occurs when there is no clearly expressed expectation, but the giver holds a clear expectation.

I’m a person who gives and gives and gives… because I want to give. If I receive as a result of my giving, that’s a bonus. I don’t give to get. I just do it because I love to see the other person smile, feel better, have a better day, etc.

What I can’t stand is when people do something for me, and I think they have the same pure intentions, but I later find out that their gift had hidden conditions. They had the expectation that since they did something for me, that in the future I’m going to do something for them. They don’t take into account if that something is doable for me, easy, or aligned with who I am. They just believe that since they did something for me (voluntarily), I now owe them. I’m supposed to say, “Yes,” whenever they ask me to do something in the future. Dafuq?! Yeah, no. I don’t abide by those rules, and those people don’t last long in my life.

If I do something for you, I don’t hold expectations that you are now obligated to do something for me. Reciprocity in relationships is nice, and when comparable kindness is returned, it feels fair. But you don’t “owe” me anything.

If I give you $20 when you’re short and I say, “Don’t worry about it. It’s a gift.” Then, a few months later I’m short $15, and you’ve got it, of course I’d be happy if you cover me. And, honestly, if you say, “No,” (and I know you’ve got it and don’t need it), my feelings might be a little hurt. But that’s your right. You don’t owe me anything. 

Transactional love is a little different. It’s when people are there for you, show up for you, and make it seem as if they are doing it purely because they love you. But in their minds, they are actually doing it as a down payment, so when they need something down the line, “Yes,” is your only answer. They expect that without question, you’re going to jump and do whatever they ask. 

It’s the “Remember, I bought you that present for your birthday? Well, I need a ride to the airport. What time are you picking me up?” They expect that because of their voluntary kindness you are obligated to drop everything and show up for them. That’s the kind of behavior depicted in movies and tv shows about crime crime families. I’ve unfortunately experienced it numerous times in various relationships. The love wasn’t given purely from the kindness of their heart. It was given with an expectation of a return. 

I am not aligned with that kind of behavior. Love doesn’t look like that from me, or toward me. Don’t say you’re doing it from love when it’s actually a down payment for an unnamed future service. 

Anywho…. as the meme states, “Don’t offer help and make the person feel bad for receiving it.” Whether it’s because we offer kindness out of a sense of pity—or even disgust—so we can’t help but let those negative comments slip… OR that we’ve convinced ourselves we’re doing it from the kindness of our hearts (when we’re actually doing it to buy the person’s time, loyalty, and sense of obligation), let’s challenge our behavior and check in with ourselves to see if we are really giving from the heart—from a place of pure love. 

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist