So many of us are unaware that we’re still nursing wounds from childhood. And as we come into that realization, we get to approach our relationships, our interactions, and our choices differently.
We get to spend the rest of our lives putting smiles on our own faces and helping our inner child feel safe, seen, and heard.
We get to enter situations, and address relationships, from a place of protecting that little one within.
We begin to make our decisions with the thought in our minds that our inner child is asking us questions like: – Why do you let them talk to me this way? – Can we do something fun, today? – Why doesn’t it ever matter what I think? You only care about what makes them happy. – They are making me feel uncomfortable, can I please leave now? – Do you love me? – Can you please help me feel loved by you?
When we begin to notice our shifts in mood, and recognize that our emotions are signals telling us how we truly feel about a situation, we can begin to tune in to that inner voice of our inner child and be to ourselves what we wish they had been for us.
This season is a perfect time to begin practicing this. Tune in to yourself whenever you feel “off,” agitated, uncertain, confused, or suddenly sad. And ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” “What just happened that didn’t feel good?”
Check in with yourself. Make it a habit. By connecting with your inner child, and choosing to prioritize being good to yourself, you’ll begin to make different choices that serve you and our world better.
There is a difference between a fool and a “mark.” We are all capable of making silly choices, but some of us were targeted for manipulation. When we make that distinction, we can begin to retell the story to ourselves in a way that allows us to forgive ourselves and reclaim our power.
After completing a relationship, where we felt someone took advantage of us, rather than be tender with ourselves, we tend to beat ourselves up. We label ourselves as silly, foolish, gullible, and naïve. We look for reasons why it happened to us, what we did wrong. We view our positive characteristics as weaknesses. We draw conclusions like, “People think I am stupid,” “no one can be trusted,” and “that’s what I get for being so nice.” We say things like, “I shouldn’t be so trusting” and “good guys finish last.” Sometimes we even decide to become more like the ones who hurt us believing that if we drop the kindness, and put on the “heartless,” we will protect ourselves from future hurt.
Unfortunately, when we review our situations from a place of feeling victimized, we don’t heal. We often put on protective personas that are not us, and put up protective walls so high, and impenetrable, that even the good can’t get in. It’s the equivalent of stacking bandages on an infected wound. The bandages may provide some protection from additional outside injury, but they are also preventing the wound from being cleaned, receiving antibiotics, and being left to open air to heal.
When we don’t take the time to address our wounds, they remain decaying under our “protection.” We are helping the wound to fester. It is in our best interest, to at some point, address the infection.
What is the infection? The beliefs we took on about ourselves as a result of the relationship. The habits of deferring our power to another. The surrender of our boundaries, rules, and expectations. All of these need to be cleaned from the wound, if we want to truly heal.
Today, I realized that I get to look back at my past experiences in a more empowering way. I can assess the experience after the fact, like an insurance adjuster. I get to objectively review my past and see where things went wrong. What I realized is that it was wrong long before the relationship ended.
Sometimes situations come up and they seem to “blindside” us. I believed that for a long time. However, when I looked back, objectively, I realized that my relationship was wrong from the beginning. I knew it, I saw it, and ignored it. No one took my power away from me; I gave it away. When I recognized that truth, I felt empowered. I realized that although that person targeted me for manipulation, that I ignored what I saw and listened to what I was told. I was not a fool, although I may have played one.
I am so grateful that I took the time to look back on situation after situation, not from a place of anger, or even hurt, but from an objective place of assessment. I put myself on the witness stand and asked the tough questions, such as:
When did you realize that things no longer felt right?
When did you compromise your beliefs, standards, expectations?
Did you feel the relationship was feeding you or draining you? Picture the moments when you felt this.
Look at the numerous times you thought about walking away. Why were you ready to end it those times?
What were some times that you remember it did not feel good anymore?
When did you feel you were being dragged along but weren’t fully in it?
What were the big compromises? the ones that left you feeling you had betrayed yourself?
What was your original plan? Did you stick to it? Did you take on their plan?
Do you recall times where intuition told you something wasn’t right? What were some of those moments?
I asked myself question after question and DID NOT BEAT MYSELF UP. I just asked the questions to show ME where I compromised MYSELF. I saw the numerous moments when I pushed myself to go along with what didn’t feel right. There were numerous moments where I saw our core values were not aligned. There were numerous moments when I felt as if intuition was screaming, “Pay attention!”
Taking the time to recognize this was so powerful. I realized that I surrendered control when I turned down the volume of my intuition. Seeing that helped me to realize it was a choice. From now on, I choose to trust myself more than I trust anyone else. I am wiser than I gave myself credit, and likely you are, too.
If you were in a relationship that negatively impacted your self worth, or if you can review your timeline and realize you were happily on your way up until that relationship came along, it may be a good idea to assess what happened. Feel free to use some of my questions above to help yourself review it objectively. Maybe ask a trusted close friend to go through the questions with you, if you feel you’ll need support, or bring it to therapy.
I set aside a few hours to unpack this and I felt so light after I was done. I didn’t even realize I was carrying that weight all this time. Be objective. Act as if you are a detective looking for clues of when it stopped being a blessing.
DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP. You are looking for answers that will help you see the truth, heal, and move on with your life. There were lessons in that relationship that can empower you, and likely someone else. Look back with the intention to forgive yourself for trusting someone else more than you trust yourself. And decide to never let that happen again.
Marlene Dillon is a single mom of a phenomenal teen daughter, an inspirational blogger, girls empowerment speaker, children’s author, artist, designer, podcaster, songwriter and so much more. To learn more about her, check out the whole site. A great place to begin is the about page at mdillondesigns.com.
So last year I came up with this idea of “unadulting.” Let me try and break down what that means to me….
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play.Press play to listen to today’s podcast. FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Blessings!
So you know how people talk about adulting? Honestly, that term can mean different things to different people. But the main idea of it is that there are certain activities, responsibilities, and expectations that are associated with being and adult. Also, as part of adulting there seems to be a list of things you’re not supposed to do anymore. Yeah, so “unadulting” is heavily questioning, or full on discarding, items on both of those lists.
I mean, I’m still gonna feed my child, take her to school, provide shelter, etc. AND if she needs a mental health day, I’m gonna think about her first, not her chance at perfect attendance. If I’m needing a pick-me-up, I may stop by the arcade in the mall BEFORE doing my work for the day. And I may occasionally skip through a parking lot, instead of walking like a boring adult. I’m just giving myself to be ME, and to let my inner child experience being a child. Because was little, I was the youngest so I kinda skipped childhood, trying to act older so I hang out with my siblings. So now is my time to play and collect Happy Meal Toys WHILE I take care of my daughter and do the responsible things that are necessities.
Anywho, on today’s episode I’m talking about dropping labels. For me, one label is that I am “non-confrontational.” Carrying that label has caused me not to stand up for myself at times when it was necessary. Maybe you’re an “introvert,” but sometimes you want to be social, but you don’t do it, because it doesn’t match your label. Maybe in your circle, people call you a “hot head,” so at times you want to let things slide, but you feel the need to act out or say something. I talk about these labels share my personal experiences with releasing my own labels.
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Thank you so much for being here! Thank you for reading and listening. And double thank you for liking, commenting, and subscribing! It means so much to me that you’re connecting with what I share. 🥰
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You’re not supposed to say this, but I will. You don’t say things like this because people will think that you’re jealous of their success and their good news, but I’m not.
I’m actually at a point in my life where I’m legitimately happy for people. I definitely have had seasons in my life where I was a complete hater. Seeing other people successful, or happy, or moving into a new home, or whatever, would make me sad and angry that it wasn’t happening to me. Now, I’m in a new season.
I’m in a season where I am so happy for you I love that you are having you’ve experienced WHILE I’m sad that I’m not. It’s not that you’re happiness makes me sad. I was already sad. And dealing with the seasonal affective disorder does not help.
Everything is heightened. My awareness of what isn’t right in my life is bigger. It feels bigger. And the ticking clock in my mind…. The goals that I wanted to reach before my daughter is a certain age. The challenges that I believe she wouldn’t experience, if I had more, could do more, and didn’t deal with the challenges I deal with.
I wanted to see her experience Christmas morning in our own home, while she’s a child and can still be excited about Christmas morning. I wanted to give her a dog and a cat and her own room where she had space to create and dance and have friends over. I wanted her to experience having a dad in the home, a good father who showed her what it’s supposed to look like.
Sometimes I don’t know where the neurodivergent part begins and where lack of confidence ends. I don’t know where my relationship with my parents impacts my present, or wear my past relationships fall in my current situation. I just know that it’s not how I wanted to be and somedays that’s hard to deal with than others.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with anxiety and depression on a regular basis is knowing when to pivot my thoughts. Sometimes things are worth contemplating. Sometimes thinking sends you down a rabbit hole of deep despair. Sometimes it’s good to acknowledge what’s not right so you can work on it. Sometimes when you don’t have the answers it’s the absolute worst thing you can do.
As I navigate the season, one of the biggest challenges for me is seeing everybody overcome their sh*t while I’m still in mine. Seeing people who I counseled come out of their sh*t, while I’m still in mine. Seeing people I coached to believe in their gifts and their business, continuously adding a zero while I’m making no money at mine. Coming to recognize how talented, multi-gifted, and anointed I am to inspire, uplift, support, and empower people and feeling handicapped to book, sell, or monetize any of it.
It’s challenging how hard it is for me to do simple things. It’s harder to think of the people who’ve come in my life and promise they would support, when they’re full intention was just to use me and move on.
Sometimes, a look at people enjoying their lives: buying houses, traveling, getting a new family pet, finding lasting love, and while I’m so happy for them, I think to myself, “Will this ever happened for me? Do I get to give my child this kind of life? Are the challenges that I deal with too big for me to overcome alone? Will I ever have help? Will I experience love again, the real kind that lasts? Was I chosen for a life that only gives to others but never truly gets to experience what others do?”
And as those questions file in, find that old, reliable depression start to creep back in. And most days, I pivot and find something uplifting to do. Another days I lean into it until I’m exhausted and just go to bed. And today, I did a little bit of both. When it got too much for me I started to listen to one of my favorite songs, that’s amazing at getting me out of that vibration. And then when I stopped playing it, and all the thoughts rushed back in, I decided to write this post.
If you deal with depression, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Do what works for shifting your mood and keep doing it. I don’t care if you have to have that song on repeat for 3 days. If you have to listen to that motivational speech in your earbuds while you work, do it. If you have to go back to your roots, and put on some old school gospel music, do it. Or if you need to have a little treat to shake the mood, if it’s not going to cause you major illness or something, do it.
I’m about to turn that song back on. It works for me. And I’m going to grab my canvas and finish working on this painting that I’ve been starting and stopping for weeks. And if I don’t feel like listening to that song I’ll probably put on a Christmas movie, a funny one not the sad ones or sentimental ones. I need to bring joy in. I’m going to layer it, for all my senses by lighting a scented candle. I’m going to focus off of the stuff that makes me sad and focus on my music, my movie and my art.
And I just want to say thank you for reading this. Thank you for being here. And if you are struggling please know that I am sending you love right now. We’re going to get through this. You’re not alone no matter how it may seem. We are all connected, and that’s why I was led to write this for you and for me. You are so loved that I was moved to share this, something that I would normally keep to myself. Our world is better with you in it, and thank you for being here.
I have plenty of blog posts and podcast episodes that you can listen to here. If you feel alone, definitely check out my podcast because I am talking directly to you. It’s my own cure for loneliness. It makes me feel more connected to share my stories with you. So if you are feeling alone please check out my podcast, you can find the newest episodes on my blog page.
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