You ever seen one of those videos where a person is relearning how to walk and they take their first steps? That step is what it feels like for me each time I accomplish something while dealing with ADHD and executive dysfunction.
The road is uphill most of the time and then I take a step, and everyone (including me) expects that the next step is coming right behind. But that’s because invisible disabilities aren’t often acknowledged. If someone has a permanent limp, or a brace, and struggles to walk, everyone expects the process to continue to be uphill.
But when you have something going on that doesn’t present physically the assumption is that laziness, poor time management, a lack of focus, or even low self-confidence is the cause. So when you accomplish something, that means the problem is fixed and the free flow is coming for you to crap out accomplishment after accomplishment.
Well, that’s what I thought, too. But unlike relearning to walk, where it’s a skill a person works really hard to rebuild, if you have an ongoing debilitating situation, you don’t necessarily get back to your old self. You just manage to get things done WITH the thing that makes life challenging.
Essentially, what I’m saying is that it took me four decades to realize that I’ve been trying to learn how to overcome/defeat something that I saw as a temporary obstacle. I thought that all I needed was the right pep talk, conference, or therapy…. a new belief system, woo woo practice, or even medication to overcome.
And I now four decades in realize that I’ve been living with an invisible disability my whole life. I’ve thought I was failing because I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I wasn’t dedicated enough, that insecurities were getting in my way. And I’m not saying that I couldn’t try harder, or be more dedicated, or be less insecure (I’m sure we all could). What I’m saying is that I’ve been trying to overcome something that isn’t going nowhere. Yeah, I can find resources, tools, practices, and even dietary shifts that can help a bit, but it’s not temporary. It’s part of my makeup.
So now that I realize this, I get to spend the rest of my life accepting myself: for who I am, for the challenges I deal with, and keep learning how to work WITH myself given how I’m designed.
This is a tough discovery and one I may feel uncomfortable about sharing, but I needed to do this, both for myself and someone else who will read this and realize there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not f*cking up. You’re not lazy. You’re not scatterbrained or just not trying hard enough. You’re dealing with a disability that isn’t acknowledged as a disability (especially if you are a female who’s gone undiagnosed most of your life). Sh*t’s hard because you are dealing with challenges that aren’t necessarily well-supported and you’ve been trying to do this thing being judged by typical standards. The fact that you’re still in this race is a miracle in itself and I’m proud of you. And I’m proud of me, too.
Imagine winning any laps of this footrace called life and the whole time your shoes were tied together. We’re miracles. And this post is about looking down to realize that our shoes are tied together and that stumbling through life makes sense, and our wins are twice as important because our wins don’t even make sense. But they happened and they can happen again.
I guess ultimately this was a bit of a love letter to myself as I realize that there is nothing wrong with me. I am trying REALLY REALLY hard and I always have been. My fatigue is warranted given all I fight through every day to show up and handle my responsibilities. And my shortcomings are warranted given the challenges I fight through every day to show up and handle my responsibilities.
I needed to keep writing until I came to this realization, and now I am grateful that I am sharing this. So here’s a big hug and well done to anyone struggling with invisible disabilities. It’s not easy and we really are doing our best. And our best gets to fluctuate from day to day.
May this post bring you a new layer, and to a new level, of self-acceptance. You’re amazing and so am I.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 