Trigger warning: depression, unaliving
The trigger warning is primarily for the meme. In this post I say I’m not okay, but I don’t mean I’m that level of not okay. I need a vacation. I’m not in any danger…. just for clarity. AND… I understand how people get to that point, because (as I’ve shared on my blog and podcast), I’ve been at that point. Thank goodness for great counselors. If you happen to be at that point, please reach out to someone who is compassionate and a great listener. If you do not know someone personally that fits that description, here in the states you can call OR text 988.
This post is actually not about that topic. This post is about about not being okay while pretending to be okay. It’s about realizing that you’ve pretended so long that you’re even lying to yourself. It’s about me realizing today that in an attempt to show up for everybody, and do what’s expected of me, I was lying to myself about how exhausted and run down I am. And I’m about to tell you what happened that helped me realize this.
My hope is that when you find this, it is like a gentle hug. Maybe listen to the song I added below and even the rain sounds too while you read. Sending all the love I can and a ginormous virtual hug. You are loved, even if by nobody else you’re aware of, definitely by me. Blessings to you.
You know what’s odd? When you think you’re doing okay—that you’re managing life as well as you can—and then something simple happens and your response to it let’s you know that you’re actually not okay.
So earlier today, I was rushing to pack away groceries so I could run back out to pick my daughter up from school. I didn’t really feel I had time to stop at home, but the A/C isn’t working in the car and it was hot as h*ll out today, and I had lots of frozen stuff from a late grocery run. I didn’t want everything I just paid for to be ruined so I had about a 2 minute window to get in the house, toss everything in the deep freezer, and run back to the car.
But as I’m trying to shove my dinner for later into the refrigerator, it hits something that’s in the way on that shelf, and falls out of my hand, flips over, the lid opens and all the food is now on the floor (that I didn’t get around to mopping, because I’m f*cking exhausted). So of course, I calmly…. NO. I ROARED from the depths of my soul! A high volume, shake the walls, nonsensical guttural roar! Then, I muttered something to myself, picked up the food, threw down some paper towels, and ran out the door.
Then this evening, a few minutes ago, I was washing the starch out of my basmati (rice). I technically was done, but decided to give it one more quick rinse. And as I was tilting the pot to release every excess drop of water, a third of the rice gave in to gravity and ended up in the sink! This time I let out a roof-shaking wail in the key of FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!! so loud that my dad (Pastor Dillon) came running to the stairs to see if I was okay….
And the answer truly is….. NO. I’m not okay. I’m trying to be okay. I’m trying to focus on the positive. I’m trying to count my blessings. I’m trying to stay in appreciation. And… I…. am…. worn… the…. f*ck… out.
I have been going, and going, and going, and going, and recovering, and responding and not reacting, and healing, and pressing through, and supporting, and creating, and overcoming, and dealing and dealing and dealing and I’m tired… because I’m human.
And I chose to share this because I needed to vent and because I know I’m not alone.
So many of us are trying so hard to look like we’ve got it together and others of us just feel like we’re supposed to have it together, because apparently everybody else does.
The reality is that I keep finding out that the people who I thought had it together, people I thought don’t have any real challenges, people I assumed see life as just beautiful for them every day, are actually dealing with sh*t, too! And they are hiding it.
They are hiding the challenges and only showing the good stuff. And maybe that’s okay, but what I’m realizing is that the people who aren’t doing okay… the people like me, who feel day-to-day life is a hard ass struggle… are comparing ourselves to these people who seem to have it together. But they don’t actually have it all together!
They make it look easy so we beat ourselves up for not being more like them. And they’re actually struggling, in their own ways, behind closed doors!
Some of us aren’t as good at hiding it. Some of aren’t even built like that. We wear it all over us that life is heavy, hard, challenging, confusing, exhausting….
If I’m not okay, it’s typically obvious. I don’t hide it well. My face looks like it. I dress like it. My hair looks like it… my posture…. Most times I’m just too worn out to hide it. And I’m just grateful that so many polished people have been telling me of late that they are worn out, too, that they don’t have it all together, that their resume is hiding plenty of sh*t between the lines.
And there’s something very freeing about that honesty.
I wish I had known it sooner. And that’s why I’m sharing this…. to let you know that if you are not okay, please know that is a normal response to sh*t not being okay. If you’ve got plenty going on, feeling exhausted, run down, and just wanting peace to be restored to you is NORMAL. People around you may be doing well. AND a lot of people around you are FAKING well. So release the additional pressure that comes from feeling like everybody else is doing so well and managing all aspects of life successfully. The older I get, the more I realize that’s more often not true than true.
I hope this brings you some comfort. Just talking about it helped me a bit. The thought that sharing this may help you or someone you know, brings me even more comfort. We’re not meant to be in this by ourselves. Maybe the person who is meant to help you through this is someone you’ll never meet, but someone who thought to share their experience that resonates with you. Maybe it’s a song they introduce you to or the concept of being in nature without being nature, through Youtube videos.
If you ever feel overwhelmed by life, please know that even those who empower others can feel that way at times. Life can be hard… and for some harder than others. So be kind to yourself and find what helps you feel a little better… that doesn’t cause you (or anyone else) harm.
Right now I’m listening to this song on repeat and I have rain sounds playing in a separate tab, and it’s helping. Please know that you are loved (even if it doesn’t feel like it, and even if you don’t love yourself right now).
I’m going to share both, the song and the rain video, below in case you need them. And please use the number above if you need it. I’m sure there is a similar crisis prevention line in your area if you’re not in the states. Wishing you the best.
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
If you’re having a rough time, try playing this song. As I read the comments, I saw that so many others have found comfort in it. Check it out. I hope you feel better soon.
Looking out on nature and listening to gentle rain can be very soothing. I often will turn the sound up very loud as if I am there and turn off the lights and immerse myself. Try it… unless rain isn’t soothing for you. There are MANY other natural videos on YT.
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