As someone who has dealt with anxiety for most of my life it has been a huge relief of late that I’ve just been letting things go. I’ve been letting it be okay to not do everything the way others would want me to do it I’ve been prioritizing my mental health. I’ve been allowing myself to rest. And the newest thing is that I’ve been stopping myself from pre-panicking.
Press play to listen to today’s podcast, or use the links at the end. Blessings!Press play to listen to today’s podcast. FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Blessings!
What’s pre-panicking? It’s something that I have done for the longest time it’s a combination of imagining worst case scenarios, overthinking, feeling incapable of figuring things out in the moment, and assuming that things are not going to work out ideally, which means I need to plan for every possible thing that could go wrong.
So lately I’ve just been deciding mid-panic to just not do it. I literally catch myself freaking out and decide “I’m not doing that today. It’ll work out, or not. And I’m going to be okay.”
I can’t tell you exactly what brought me to this place, but in the last few days, I woke up to the reality that even when things go to sh*t, I still survive. I’m still here so I might as well take it easy.
And today’s podcast episode is an example of that. Press play and enjoy the story.
Being me is often such a delicate dance of navigating who I was and who I now am. I was for so long one person in the day and another in the night. One person in public and another in private. One person in front of those who know me from one world, and another person for the people who knew me differently.
This is the life of a PK (preacher’s kid). And maybe the life of others whose parents’ public personas are impacted by every choice you make—from what you say, to what you do, to who you do it with. It’s hard to come into your own person under those kinds of pressure, yet, here we are…
Last night (well, technically this morning), I had a dream that I was attending an event with one of my mentors and past school friends. This was originally a fun time with family, but as I looked around I kept seeing people from high school .People who I no longer speak to (although there’s’ no beef)—just people I haven’t seen since graduation. One by one, they began to say hello and then express to me that my recent post (a video excerpt from a podcast) offended my former teacher, who supportively shared the video without first listening to it. She was appalled to find that I was cussing in the video… a lot. Everyone in the dream was encouraging me to go and apologize to her and I was avoiding her because I still needed to decide how I felt, how I was going to address her, and if I felt an apology was necessary or honoring to my right to post whatever I want because I am GROWN.
So I found myself (in the dream) in a pretty heated conversation with a former classmate, who also pursued a therapy path, and holds a degree in counseling as I do. She was berating for my decision to post a video where I am speaking so freely. She’s expressed how unnecessary my language was and that she would be put off by a therapist who speaks as I do, and essentially called me unprofessional.
Our conversation went from a pleasant exchange of opposing viewpoints to a full on heated argument. The more I countered her opinions about my decision to show up authentically, the more I developed strength about my right to choose to speak as I wish, and my appreciation for how my choice to express myself freely weeds out potential clients I would not enjoy working with. As I debated with her, with my mentor (former teacher) sitting just feet away from the argument, I felt very clear that I have every right to speak freely on my own platform and that I have no desire to work with clients where I have to mute myself. (In the dream I was referring to taking on counseling /coaching clients.)
And it made me think, both in the dream and now in my waking, how I am committed to living my life with increasing authenticity. I will likely always be respectful toward my elders and not cuss around them. I will likely always exhibit some level of restraint and reverence in religious spaces. AND when I’m doing my own thing, I’m gonna be unapologetically me.
I cuss in my posts. I cuss A LOT on my podcasts. I don’t cuss to cuss. I cuss because that’s how I talk. There are many podcasts where I don’t say a single one. There are some where I didn’t know that it was possible to put that many in one sentence. It’s not planned. It just is.
And it’s not like an addiction. I automatically don’t cuss in front of my parents. It’s so weird that once I see them, the vocabulary just changes. A friend once asked me (when my daughter was little) how it’s possible that I don’t cuss in front of her. I made a decision when she started to repeat words that I just wouldn’t, and it wasn’t until she was much older that I got freer speaking around her.
I have control over it. I’m not cussing while I speak at schools, libraries, or churches. I’m still old school in my beliefs about using profanity on the job. I think it’s unprofessional. However, if I am hosting a grown and sexy event, like with my brand Eggplant Goddess. I will speak as freely as I want. The environment is different. The same goes for my podcasts.
My podcasts are where I first got free. I felt weary of holding back and just wanted to be one person. I was tired of using euphemisms when I was trying to get my point across, so finally I listened to the many FB friends who told me to go ahead and cuss. It started tame, then it was full blown, “this is just how I talk.” And although I do it with ease, now, occasionally that old guilt kicks in and I change a word last minute. But I usually will out myself immediately and say it the way I thought it.
Anyway, back to the dream….
I realize now how important it is that I rebrand myself. It’s not something I have to do, but something that will bring me more peace.
As I was scrolling through my IG posts yesterday, I came across a video where I’m cussing pretty freely. I believe when I posted it originally that I didn’t mention that I cuss in it. I found myself wondering if it was necessary, or if I was being apologetic about being free. Each time I see the meme for it, I feel apprehensive because I’d hate for someone to be blindsided by it, and to press play in company of children, elders, etc.
I believe this is the video that my dream was centered around, and it causes me to accept that for my own peace, I need to use more words as I transition from G-rated to “who knows what she’ll post?”
It may be a simple sentence of “FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around.” Or it may be a simple “⚠️ Explicit” here or there. I just need to let it be okay for myself to do that for a while, without feeling bad about it.
You know the inner critic is such a b*tch. For me, she’ll encourage me to feel bad on both ends. If I post it without a warning caption, the inner dialogue is “Wow. It would be terrible if someone started playing that, singing your praises as the ‘empowerment specialist’ and then they hear all that cussing.” And then when I do place the caption, the inner critique is “Wow. You’re grown. Why do you still feel that’s necessary? Grow up already.” 🙄
So while I make peace within, I’ll continue to transition with little warnings until it doesn’t feel necessary anymore. The dream helped me to accept that it honestly would bother me to offend someone I care about because they blindly assumed that what I post now is likely my G-rated posts before. I still hold the same intentions and my posts are primarily inspiring, uplifting, supportive, encouraging and empowering. I just do it my way. And I’m choosing to allow myself to inform/warn listeners/readers of my word choice unapologetically.
I must say, I am so grateful to my FB friends, who have encouraged me, and accepted me, and told me it was okay to tell it like it is, and to cuss if I need to cuss. They helped me to feel safe to be free and be myself. Sometimes because of the belief systems we grew up in, we need to be reminded that we get to be ourselves. I needed that feedback to remind me that I’m grown and don’t need to give a f*ck what anyone thinks about it.
And that’s what I’ve done. I began to post freely and little by little I got REAL free. AND this dream helped me accept that maybe there’s a part of me that still needs a bridge. Maybe there’s a part of me that still needs to say this is me now.
I feel like being here has helped me to better understand the necessity of people officially “coming out” to a relative or other loved one. I used to be so, “Just live your life. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or conversation.” But now I kinda get it that although you don’t owe anyone an apology for being who you are, sometimes it just feels right to have a conversation. It’s an opportunity to offer them your hand as they cross the bridge from the past to the present. I get that now.
I still think it’s an individual choice. It doesn’t have to happen. I could wake up, pivot, and say, “This is who I am now. Deal with it.” It just feels more right for me to offer my version of a bridge.
I’ve made a choice today that for the rest of my life I’m doing me authentically. And whether that shows up in how I talk, or what I talk about, I’m choosing to do it unapologetically. I will offer little captions and such as a courtesy for as long as that feels right for me. But I’ll be speaking freely.
I’m done hiding. I’m done pretending. I’m done being two people… better yet, I’m done being a different person with everybody. I just want to be whole… all of me… all the time. And today I am deciding that for the rest of my life I’m choosing me, even if that means I get rejected by you.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And I’m choosing to do it without comparing myself to you, and your journey, while loving and embracing my own. I’ll stay in my lane and let you stay in yours.
Well… that’s all I’ve got. Just felt led to share that with you. I hope it resonates.
If you need to have a public declaration, do it. If you need to have some side conversations, do it. If you just decide to show up authentically, and if people have an issue they can “say it to your face,” or keep it to themselves, that’s great too.
Do what brings you more peace and do it on your own terms. And make peace with the reality that not everyone will agree or understand. That can be scary. So take your time and fully embrace YOU first. Recognize and accept the possible consequences. Once you’ve embraced your truth, other people’s feelings about it won’t matter as much.
So I haven’t been the most quiet about my intentions to get ready to be ready to be in a relationship again. I’ve done the single mom thing for over a decade and she’s now old enough she doesn’t need my hovering presence… not to mention I miss having a companion (and celibacy ain’t that fun either, lol).
So I’m up early (because I went to bed early) and I started cleaning and organizing. While moving things around the thought of me dating crossed my mind and I immediately started listing reasons why I’m not desirable. It honestly shocked me because although I probably do it all the time, this time I heard myself doing it.
The thought sounded kinda like, “How could I ever date someone? Look at this mess. I could never bring them here.” And another self-deprecating thought quickly followed. The cool thing, though, is that (maybe because I just woke up) I was in my power when it happened. So I quickly did a pivot, and was like, “Ummm… first of all, I’m literally cleaning up right now. Second of all, who says I have to invite someone into my space? That’s not even safe. Third of all, I’m awesome. Let me start the list….” And that’s when I decided to pause the cleaning, sit down, and write this blog post.
How often do we talk ourselves out of things by listing all our shortcomings? How many times have you seen someone less qualified than you doing the thing you want to be doing, simply because they have more confidence?
I’m realizing that their internal conversations are probably a bit different. Rather than talk themselves out of possibilities, they are likely talking themselves into them.
What if instead of focusing on all the reasons that I’m not qualified for what I want, I didn’t entertain those thoughts? What if I created a new habit of listing all my good qualities, all my worthy qualities, all that’s “right” about me?
What if I focused more on what I love about myself, and what others love about me? What if I focused on what I’m good at and what I’m great at? What if I remembered everything I’ve done right?
What if I focused on all the times I felt proud of myself? What if I focused on all the times others said they were proud of me? What if I remember all the times I showed up, showed out, did my thing, and really showed what I’m made of?
What if I celebrate myself more than I criticize myself? What if each time I find myself having a critical thought, I choose to remind myself of three reasons to celebrate myself?
And it’s not about ignoring the things I need to work on. It’s about becoming my cheerleader instead of my hater. And maybe that’s something you can do more of as well.
We tend to be sooo critical of ourselves. We tend to speak so negatively too, and about, ourselves. We tend to notice every mistake and poor choice, and we ruminate on that stuff. But when we do something right, we may celebrate for 5 minutes and then we move on.
Let’s start remembering what we did right. Let’s start milking those moments and ruminating on them. Let’s start reminding ourselves why we are worthy, deserving, amazing and full of good stuff.
We are so phenomenal in so many ways, but we’ve picked up the habits of others and started be critical of ourselves. Maybe we had a parent, or sibling, or teacher… a grandparent, a classmate, a boss… someone in our experience who didn’t see our awesomeness. As a defense mechanism, we began to notice our shortcomings in advance so that we could either fix it before they said something, or so we could brace ourselves so the impact of their words wouldn’t hurt so much.
Over time, we got really good at noticing our shortcomings, and we forgot that our intention was to protect ourselves from the external criticism. Instead we became really great at internal criticism….
Well… now, we know better. We don’t have do that anymore. We can choose to focus more on our positive qualities. We can notice when we get things right and make a big deal of it. We don’t have to throw a party every time we do the right thing. But we can have an internal celebration. We can take the time to note it. We can tell ourselves, “Good job,” “I’m proud of you,” and “We did that sh*t!” We can make a new habit of downplaying our shortcomings while paying intentional attention to what we do right. We can begin to see ourselves all the reasons we are worthy of the great things we desire.
So the next time you catch yourself noting your shortcomings, remember to make note of more reasons why you’re amazing. It may take effort and practice, but that’s how all habits are formed. We can do it.
On my blog and Share & Let’s Live! podcast, I share tips and tools that are transforming my life and mindset every single day. If you appreciate this FREE daily podcast (and are able), please consider sending a tip via Buymeacoffee. It’s a great way to support without breaking the bank. (No pressure, of course. If you’re unable, please know I understand.)
*** Note: Due to recent technical challenges (I need a new computer), I may not post a podcast every day. I will still try to post a blog and podcast when I can. Scroll down my Blog Page or SoundCloud to listen to hundreds of previous podcast episodes. ***
Thank you so much for being here! Thank you for reading and listening. And double thank you for liking, commenting, and sharing. It matters so much. 🥰
I learned some time ago, from my mentor, that we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time around. Given those odds, I’ve decided that I can no longer have people around me that I don’t respect.
On today’s podcast I share about how I’m making the transition from being nice to being kind. I no longer want to just keep people around me to be nice. I don’t want to be fake for the sake of being nice.
If I don’t like you, you can stay over there. Better yet, I’m gonna stay over here. And you can call that petty or immature or less than spiritual. I call it maintaining a healthy environment. I don’t want toxicity around me.
I prefer to surround myself with likeminded people. And one thing about me is that I don’t care who you are. I cut off friends, family, coworkers, whoever.
I get to preserve my environment. And I’ve decided to add a new layer of protection by no longer being nice. I’m choosing to be kind. And sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself (and another) is to be honest enough to not be fake. Just like you don’t have to like me, I don’t have to like you. Nor do I have to pretend I do. We can just part ways.
Yep…. so that’s what this one’s about. lol It’s actually light and funny. You should check it out. It might be time for you to cut some people off, or limit their access. Just sayin’.
On my blog and Share & Let’s Live! podcast, I share tips and tools that are transforming my life and mindset every single day. If you appreciate this FREE daily podcast (and are able), please consider sending a tip via Buymeacoffee. It’s a great way to support without breaking the bank. (No pressure, of course. If you’re unable, please know I understand.)
*** Note: Due to recent technical challenges (I need a new computer), I may not post a podcast every day. I will still try to post a blog and podcast when I can. Scroll down my Blog Page or SoundCloud to listen to hundreds of previous podcast episodes. ***
Thank you so much for being here! Thank you for reading and listening. And double thank you for liking, commenting, and sharing. It matters so much. 🥰
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