I just woke from a dream. I was a cop. Increasingly all the evidence in a case is pointing toward one of my friends on the force. They’re starting to overexplain and feign offense as I begin to question them. The more they talk, the more I realize they are the one. And I don’t want to say the words. I don’t want it to be true. I don’t want to have to call my friend out for being wrong. They’ll hate me. Everybody will hate me. They’ll get in trouble. But THEY did the crime! Why am I stuck with—responsible for—their consequence?
I woke from the dream with these words in my mind…
I GIVE PEOPLE WAY TOO MANY CHANCES BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE THE BAD GUY FOR CALLING YOU ON YOUR BULLSH*T.
What’s that about?
Why do I care more about looking bad for holding you accountable than I do about actually holding you accountable?
And in a brief flash of my memory. I heard the answer. Grade school. Good kid. Doesn’t want to get in trouble. Does the right thing. And now because I choose to stay out of trouble, the teacher has me watch the class while she steps out. Kids acting up because she’s not there to supervise, but they also don’t want me to tell.
My job? Take down the names of those acting up. Lots of pressure. Don’t want to be seen as the bad guy. But they won’t behave. So now I’ve gotta keep addressing them saying, “C’mon. Be quiet. I don’t want to have to write you down. You’re getting too loud.” They calm down, but the longer she’s gone the more they crank up.
I’m already annoyed from being under pressure. I just wanted to keep myself out of trouble with my mom. Why am I being volunteered, better yet, “volun-told” to be in charge? I didn’t want the position. I was just tryna take care of me. Now, everybody’s mad because it wasn’t them. “Ugh. She’s always the one picked. Teacher’s pet.”
I didn’t ask for this. I’m taking care of me. It’s not my job. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be punished with pressure for being good. I just want to be left alone.
And now here we are with pressure and stupidity. They won’t shut up. I’m gonna get in trouble because they’re acting up and I’m supposed to control the class. This is not my job. Why won’t she c’mon and get back? They’re getting loud again. Anxiety. F*ck. Hurry up and come back. Now I’m irritated. “Would y’all be quiet? She’s going to hear y’all. I’m gonna have to write down names.” Now, they’re grumbling. “Of course you are, teacher’s pet. C’mon don’t write us down. We’ll be quiet.” Someone shushes the class. They quiet for a little. The sound gradually increases. Anxiety cranks up. Then she finally walks in. Instant relief… and anger within, because why did you put me through that? It’s not my job. Do YOUR job. Leave me out of it.
It’s not over. “Was everybody behaving themselves? Who was acting up?” Pressure. Now I’ve gotta lie. They’re all looking at me. They’re mumbling through clenched teeth not to tell. I’m raised not to lie, but I don’t want anybody mad at me. She’s insistent. She heard them as she was approaching. I lie. They’re relieved. I feel like sh*t. She repeats her query. “I know someone was talking. You sure NOBODY was talking, Marlene?” “Nope. They were behaving.” “You sure? Not even… (she names the usual suspects)?” “Yeah.”
They were absolutely talking. Had to call them out multiple times asking them to stop and keep it down. Now I’m lying for them, because I don’t want them to be mad at me. I don’t want the group to ostracize me. I don’t want to get in trouble myself for lying. I just want this to be over. And finally she says after a long stare down between me and the usual suspects, and me and the floor, and me and the teacher. She relents. Lets me go to my seat. The anxiety dies down.
Until next time.
But next time I volunteer to go do whatever she was going to do because WHO WANTS THAT PRESSURE?
_______
It’s weird how dreams can give us clarity we didn’t know we needed…. how inner child work can bring back old stories that we didn’t know… well, remember… were in there.
I’ve been doing inner child work for a while—the simple questioning of my younger self for insight on why I think and act as I do. It’s amazing how we have answers within, that we don’t even recall.
That habit of checking in with my inner child has become a lifestyle choice over time. My inner child is very present for me, a constant companion. I don’t have to sit down with paper and pen and switch hands to have her write her responses to my questions. I now can just ask internally and the answer appears within.
I never used to believe in inner child work. I thought it was nonsense. “There’s no little kid living in me. What woo woo crap!” But then one day I needed help uncovering things and everywhere I turned people were talking about inner child work. So in frustration, having no other alternative to find the answers to what was deeply hurting me, I went searching for a book on this woo woo inner child nonsense. I believe that when something keeps coming to me it might be an answer, a next step on my journey. And it truly was.
If you want to learn more about inner child work (don’t worry, this is free, I’m not offering a course… hmmm but maybe I should…) this is just a post I did on the topic to clear up most of your questions. In it I’m pretty sure I provide the resource (the book I read) that taught me how to tap into my own inner child. It is a real thing and it can be a very helpful thing on your own journey of inner healing.
Thought I’d share. Hope this helps.
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