Growing up in the city, I learned very quickly that if you don’t want people to bother you, you don’t walk around smiling all the time. Unfortunately, I did that for so long that my facial muscles developed a habit of making me look like I’m about to fight somebody. Yes. As nice as I am, I have resting b*tch face…. well, I guess I should say, “I had… RBF.”
Let me tell you what I just did!
Okay, so I decided to start my day out with a post, asking you what you are grateful for. I happened to look at myself in the mirror seconds later and noticed that my permanent frown was starting to make my face look old. Being a strong believer in “black don’t crack,” I refuse to have a saggy jaw. So I followed an odd inspiration that came to me, to hold a smile for 200 seconds.
Let me tell you how my face was trembling trying to hold that smile. I stayed committed, though. I mean an ear to ear, “Koolaid” smile! I counted backwards from 200. Doing both simultaneously required so much focus that it ended up being like meditation. I cleared out all my thoughts. It was taking everything to keep my face in that position. You shoulda seen me chair dancing and everything else, just to make it to that last second.
So this is the cool part. When I made it zero, I was so proud of myself. I was still staring at myself in the mirror… and laughing. And you know how you take that breath after a good laugh? I exhaled, inhaled, and….. my face went back to a smile! Like no matter what I did it defaulted back to a smile. Even now, minutes later, I’m still smiling!
Now, I don’t know if this will work for you. But if you have RBF and are willing to drop the ax murderer scowl, maybe give it a try. I’m not claiming this is a tested fact. Today, was my first time…. All I know is, I can’t stop smiling.
Yeah, so that’s how I cured my RBF. If by chance it tries to return, I know exactly what to do.
If you’ve been my Facebook friend for a while, you know I periodically share transcripts of the hilarious moments I have with my daughter.
Our relationship has evolved over the years. We’ve always had fun, but we weren’t always close. I made some intentional choices that improved our relationship, and I’d like to share one of those with you.
Years ago, when I would pick my daughter up from school, I’d immediately ask her about her day, and get that one-word answer. If I attempted to ask again, or try to ask more “open-ended questions” to get her to talk more, I’d get the nasty attitude. I was so frustrated. I made it successfully through all the adult parts of my day. I navigated traffic and arrived before the school closed. I felt like I won. Then, I’d have the audacity to attempt a conversation with my child…..
I took it personally. I was so irritated that she didn’t want to talk to me. So being the mature individual I am, I decided to just talk on the phone to my friends once I picked her up. If she didn’t want to talk to me, then I’d just talk to them.
I was so busy feeling offended that I never took the time to step into her shoes. Pick up time for her was the end of her day. She had been in school working hard, navigating new skills and expectations, and relationships with classmates and teachers. She, just like me, needed transition time. I didn’t get that. However, one evening, when I picked her up from school, I asked her about her day, and she said, “I’m not ready to talk, yet. I need a minute.”
With that simple response, I got it. I understood. I knew she just needed time, and I gave it to her. I didn’t get on my phone, I just drove and listened to music, and when she was ready, she told me about her day.
Prior to that day, I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea that she wasn’t getting an attitude with me. I had no idea that she was merely setting a boundary to allow herself to transition after a long day. For weeks, I routinely got on the phone the second we pulled out of the parking lot (hands-free, of course). I would stay on the phone the entire ride home. And when she felt centered and ready to talk, I would tell her to be quiet. I was mad that she had the nerve to interrupt my conversation after barely speaking to me when I picked her up.
I was behaving so immaturely. And like most parents, I felt completely justified. I had no idea what impact my annoyed, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone?” response was having on her. She hadn’t done anything wrong. In her perspective all did was sit quietly after a long day. I probably made her feel so unimportant. She probably questioned if I even liked her. She missed me all day, and finally got to spend time with me, and I was ignoring her. I had an attitude with her. And she probably didn’t understand why. She was just tired and taking a second to transition.
After we had that talk, I was able to see the events through my daughter’s eyes. I decided that day that I no longer take calls when my child is in the car. That’s our time. Moments like this are common in parent-child relationships. We think our child is the problem, but we are unaware of all that’s going on. Then, we take it personally, react to their behavior, and create a negative dynamic in our relationship. By simply staying off the phone that day, because I wasn’t “in my feelings,” I learned so much. We talked about her needing that transition time and from that day forward, I didn’t ask her about her day first thing when she got in the car. I’d put on my music and let her transition. And when she was ready, we’d talk. To this day, car time is our time.
We have the deepest conversations, and the silliest ones. We went from barely talking at all, to me giving her the bruh face because she keeps telling me things I don’t want to know. We talk all the time, every day. She puts her friends on hold to come and talk to me. And all of that evolved from a subtle change. It’s the little shifts that revolutionized our relationship.
In my course, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship, I address 6 common mistakes parents make that negatively impact our relationships with our kids. I teach parents how to shift their relationships by making subtle changes. I identify the offenses, provide examples of how they present themselves, teach how they impact our children, and then I show you how to fix, and avoid them.
Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship is a course that teaches parents what to say, what not say and why. It helps to identify the subtle ways we hurt our kids with our words and behavior, and highlights how we can show up differently.
If you are ready to take responsibility for your part in your relationship. If you are ready to work on yourself to impact your connection with your child. If you are ready to invest in your relationship now so you can still have one later, enroll, today.
Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship is available now on Udemy.
Want to learn more about Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship? Watch my informational video below. Then, if it feels right for you, enroll on Udemy.
This informational video will answer most of your questions about the course. Watch it in it’s entirety. I tried to make it engaging.
Now, more than ever we realize that time is short. We need to make the most of every second we have with our kids. Do you want more of the same or are you ready for change?
You ever met a liar that’s so good they could convince you that you aren’t you?
Tap to listen to audio version on SoundCloud!
That happened to me—well, it’s been happening. This chick is so good that she even sounds like me. She had me confused so many times. I heard her voice and knew she was me.
To be totally honest, I’m not even sure how many years—well, decades—I’ve been catfished.
But don’t worry. Lately, she’s been getting sloppy. Her phrases are becoming repetitive. She’s developing a pattern. I can almost predict what she’ll do next. I know what she’ll say, and even when she’ll show up.
I am developing a portrait of my inner critic. Like a sketch artist with a little more information, I’m filling in the details. Soon she won’t be able to fool me anymore.
I’ve heard that there are others out there, so I want you to be aware. Let me tell you a little bit about her….
She continuously diverts my attention away from inspired ideas by offering distractions, convincing me of reasons they’re not good ideas, and by bombarding me with negative what if’s. She loves to bring up past instances when I failed at whatever I’m about to attempt. And the thing that really got my attention was when I noticed her repeating the same phrases, no matter what I was attempting.
Some of her main phrases are:
“That’s not gonna work.”
“It’s gonna take too long.”
“You’re behind.”
“No one’s gonna want/pay you for that.”
“How are you gonna pay for that?”
“You should do that over.”
“You should _______ instead.”
Now, chances are that you’ve been catfished, too—not by my inner critic, but by your own. And it’s tempting to be really angry.
What I’ve realized recently is that my inner critic is actually my misguided bodyguard. She showed up to serve me…. to protect me. From childhood ’til now, she has kept a record of every moment that has made me feel sad, embarrassed, or unsafe. She has noted every moment of grief, guilt, and shame. She has made it her priority to remember what I was doing each time I experienced those emotions. Then, she uses this data to protect me from experiencing those emotions again.
When she sees I’m about to do something that resembles those past moments of pain, she shows up with stories, fake tasks, and even cravings to deter me from participating. She does everything she can, and will even lie, to protect me.
I believe you might have a catfish, too, and they’ve likely done the same thing to you.
The only problem is that these catfi…, I mean, misguided body guards… haven’t evolved. Many of them arrived in childhood, so they still have childlike beliefs about why things happened. So they are attempting to protect us from things that might not even bring us pain. If you had your tonsils removed as a kid, and all you got to eat was ice cream, maybe in adulthood you hate cold treats and don’t even know why. If you and your dad were besties and then he left, you might be hesitant to allow yourself to love that deeply again. If you put your heart and soul into a school project, but your teacher tore it apart in front of the entire class, you may have decided that day to only do mediocre work, or that being in the front of the room is not safe.
Our inner body guards are well-meaning, but misguided. They refuse to let us experience those hurts again, so they take on our identity. They speak within us to warn us of “certain” danger. They repeat the lessons others taught us about how the world works, what’s unsafe, who to trust, what’s too big for us. They repeat those phrases and stories, and get in our way as we attempt to evolve. Until we become aware of them, and take control of our thoughts, they can run our whole lives and keep us from so many great things.
I challenge you to begin to notice the patterns of when your inner body guard shows up. Notice the thoughts that cross your mind when you decide you’re ready to embark on something new, something expansive, something that feels like a great next step. Pay attention to moments when your excited energy shifts. What thought crossed your mind? Become aware of what’s going on within you.
Start to write down your objections to evolving. Eventually, you will begin to notice a pattern. You’ll begin to see cycles of doing other than what you want to do. Keep noticing. Eventually, you may realize that your thoughts are actually the voice of your catfish.
It can be very painful to experience the same hurts repeatedly. This is why I am so committed to personal development.
The unfortunate reality is that we’ve been taught some things that aren’t healthy, that don’t serve us, and that cause us distress. Many patterns in regard to relationships, money, our health, and even the ways we view ourselves have come from beliefs we learned from others.
I remember Louise Hay once said that babies love themselves unconditionally, they’re never thinking, “Goodness, look at my thighs.” However, we over time pick up on beliefs from those in our environment, and from what we see, hear, and read. Overhearing others’ experiences, watching television, the news, and learning from how other’s experience us, all informs our beliefs and expectations.
A lot of our beliefs and expectations were dumped on us, or spoon fed to us. We may not even be aware of the beliefs we hold about certain things because we’ve never thought about it. We are attracting, and repelling, our desires based on our inner beliefs and expectations. Unfortunately, that means that our desires are often not in alignment with what we believe.
Lately, I have been taking inventory of my beliefs, because, honestly, I am tired of not having what I want. I realize that I need to be certain that my beliefs about what’s possible for me, and what I actually expect will happen for me line up. There’s a difference between what’s possible and what’s probable. It’s important that we feel solidly in our favor with both.
To this end, I am working through a ton of beliefs that have created patterns in my life that I don’t want to continue. I am ready for a new experience of life so I have to be willing to do the inner work to shift what I’m attracting. I am beyond the “I believe this because this happened to me,” phase. That is just a first step. Even though I didn’t actively install all this beliefs software, it’s still my responsibility to uninstall it. Yours, too.
So if you missed my point….
Healing our hurts, beliefs, and expectations is a HUGE part of attracting differently. In order to be in alignment with what we desire, we need to clear out beliefs that don’t serve us, AND develop new beliefs that do. We also need to ensure that our expectations match what we want. We need to imagine ourselves experiencing what we desire, and shift any beliefs within us that make that hard.
So, how do you even do that?
If we keep noticing an unwanted pattern, we have to take a minute to sit with ourselves and ask some REAL questions about the subjects that cause us the most distress. Questions like: – “What do I believe about relationships, money, my health, etc.?” – “What do I believe is possible for me in regard to having _______?” – “Why don’t I trust ________?” – “Why do I believe they can be/do/have ________, but I can’t?” – “What did my family/environment/television teach me about _________?” – “How does this belief show up in my life?”
We have to take the time to see what our beliefs have created, and attracted, in our lives. Then, we get to decide if we want that to continue. If we don’t, we can begin to tear down that belief. One simple question for doing this is, “But is that always true?” If we can find one instance that it’s not true, that’s enough for us to begin to question if this belief should be a rule, or used on a case-by-case basis, or thrown out all together.
And, if we’re really honest with ourselves, most of our beliefs came from opinions. That means they are made up. You may think you’re “fat,” but in another country/culture, people see you as “too thin.” You may feel you’re “broke” because you can’t afford the newest iPhone, but to a person who doesn’t have clean running water, you’re rich. It’s all relative. It’s all opinion. It’s all made up.
And since it’s all made up, anyway, we might as well make up new beliefs… ones that actually serve us. We can take our answers to those questions above and rewrite them into beliefs that serve us. We can shift. We can make new rules. We can create new beliefs. We can choose from now on to believe whatever serves us. I mean, we’ve believed plenty of lies about ourselves, why can’t we make up some new truths?
I’m rewriting my beliefs. I’m committed to attracting differently. Are you?
Yes. As nice as I am, I have resting b*tch face…. well, I guess I should say, “I had… RBF.”
You shoulda seen me chair dancing and everything else, just to make it to that last second.
because she keeps telling me things I don’t want to know. 
We talk all the time, every day. She puts her friends on hold to come and talk to me. And all of that evolved from a subtle change. It’s the little shifts that revolutionized our relationship. 
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