Is your mind’s default setting toward winning or losing. I just realized that mine often sets me up for a lose-lose. Let me explain.
Sharing something that just happened to me because it may help you….
So I had a series of applications to work on lately. Super stressful for me because paperwork makes me anxious and requires a higher level of executive functioning than I typical employ.
After completing several multipage online applications, I just didn’t have it in me to do another one. It was the last one, but I kept putting it off assuming it was going to take forever.
I finally set my pomodoro timer today, sat down and got myself to work on it. Unlike the others, it took like 15 minutes.
I was super excited when I realized I was at the “Submit” screen. Once I hit that button and saved the page for my records, that voice started in on me. “Wow. You could’ve submitted that paperwork a week ago. You could be getting your results this week rather than worrying about having waited so long.”
I was texting my AP about it when something clicked. The same inner critic that is telling me I could’ve completed it a week ago, is the same one that was talking me out of doing it all week.
Keep paying attention to that annoying—trying to be helpful—voice. Pay attention to the patterns. You’ll start recognizing that “catfish.”
If you are over 40, or can recall the recent #canwetalkchallenge, you’re probably familiar with the amazing music artist, Tevin Campbell. I was his biggest fan in the 90’s. His posters were plastered all over my bedroom wall. My first time hearing his voice was when he sang lead on a song called “Tomorrow (A Better You, Better Me)” by Quincy Jones. To this day, whenever I hear that song it transports me to a pivotal moment, when I chose fear over self-trust.
I don’t remember what grade I was in, but the teachers decided we would perform “Tomorrow” for the school assembly. As we stood on stage practicing, the teacher asked for a volunteer to lead the song. I expected the usual “pick me” students—the popular kids—to raise their hands and fight for the lead. No one raised their hand. The teacher asked again and no one volunteered. I knew the song. In my head, I was singing the entire solo, looking for notes I couldn’t hit, or might “crack” on, to confirm my intention to not raise my hand. She kept asking. Still no one volunteered. I went over the verse again in my head. I started to think maybe I could do it. I looked at her, but I knew someone else would speak up and I didn’t have the confidence to open my mouth.
She asked again, staring right at me. She could see on my face that I wanted to raise my hand, but all I could do was run through the verse one more time in my head, just to make sure I wouldn’t embarrass myself. I got through it. There were no hard notes. I began to raise my hand, and someone volunteered. I quickly put my hand down, hoping no one noticed. I could tell she didn’t really want to do it, but she was confident and I wasn’t so she volunteered. I was disappointed, and relieved. Singing lead felt too big for me. That’s for popular kids. She was a popular kid. I was a “shy” kid, and shy kids don’t sing lead.
Now, several decades later, every time I hear that song, I think of that moment and wonder, “What if I volunteered?” What if I had the courage and raised my hand? What if I blurted out, “I’ll do it!,” walked to that mic, and did a phenomenal job? What if the teacher saw the look on my face, and said, “Marlene, would you like to try it?,” and I said, “Yes,” how would my life have been different?
Not all decisions are trajectory-shifting, but I believe that decision was important. Part of me thinks that if I volunteered that day, and sang that solo, I would be a professional singer, or songwriter, now. I believe that I would have heard the feedback from my classmates and teachers and gained confidence. I would have recognized my love for singing, and pursued more opportunities to sing. Granted, it might’ve gone differently. My voice may have cracked at that practice, or at the assembly, causing such embarrassment that I never sang publicly, again. Honestly, I’ll never know.
All I know is there’s a part of me that truly believes that if I had taken that chance and slowly slipped my trembling hand up, and volunteered, I would’ve rocked that song. I would be Beyonce’, now. (Okay, clearly not, but) I would’ve embraced one of my strongest passions as a child, and spent the rest of my life doing the thing I love the most….
Some months ago, I saw a post from a PHENOMENAL artist, Dee Lionezz, LLC. She has artistic skills that I cannot begin to describe!** In her post, she shared her excitement about getting back to a project that she was eager to work on, after having just completed another exciting project! The idea of doing something that I love so much that I am eager to do another one, rather than exhausted at the mere thought of having to do it again was so next level to me. I thought about all I do and wondered which gave me that kind of endless excitement. Which of my gifts would have me thinking about the next project while working on the current project?
To my surprise, my answer was songwriting. It’s the gift I give the least amount of effort toward, but music is the one thing I am most passionate about—even more than dance. I love music. I study music. I pay attention to the subtle changes and how they impact the listeners, the patterns, the way intensity is built, the details of riffs and runs. I listen to every genre of music (except 80’s rock and heavy metal—sorry I just can’t.) I make up songs all day, without even realizing it. When I’m at the sink, doing dishes, or when I’m prepping food, and especially when I’m near the washing machine (it’s got the perfect rhythm), I’m writing songs. If I hear music playing in the distance, and can’t fully make out the lyrics—or the details of the melody—I make them up. I sing all day. I have hundreds of hooks, verses, melodies, and baselines saved in my phones, the cloud, and on drives because for at least a decade, I have received fully composed, original songs in my dreams!
With all that said, I’m still not songwriting. I wake up, record what I heard in my dreams, and do nothing with them. I have started and stopped songwriting so many times. Each time I get back to it, I remember it’s hard, or that I don’t have the help I feel I need, life gets busy, and I put it back on the shelf.
I have multiple songwriting apps on my phone. I joined a songwriting meetup group years ago. I got a keyboard. I’ve invested in expensive music software. I created a SoundCloud account (separate from my podcast). I’ve shared my songs with phenomenal musician friends. I wrote a song for Helen Baylor and tweeted it to Helen Baylor. I even began this post many months ago. AND, I have continued to put songwriting on the backburner—to see it as this thing I do… but not well enough to do for real.
This morning, I had an epiphany. It’s time to do the thing that lights me up more than anything. It’s time to stop hiding and being scared. It’s time to stop worrying about how much work it’ll take and what resources and help I don’t have. It’s time to stop feeling unworthy of my passion. It’s time to stop seeing myself as that shy little girl, on stage, who thinks, “This is too big for me.”
It’s time for me to do the inner child work to heal that messaging. It’s time to take that “shy” label off of me and stand in who I truly am. It’s time for me to know that nothing that means this much to me can not be for me. It’s time to know I’m worthy and capable. It’s time to stir up my courage, raise my hand, and say, “I’ll do it!”
The cool thing about passions is that when they belong to you, they keep calling. Even when you don’t realize that you’re being called, you are drawn to them. That thing that you love learning about…. That thing that you watch endless documentaries about…. That topic you know so well that you could teach a course on it…. That topic you talk everyone’s ear off about….
Start to pay attention to what you collect and obsess over…. where you invest your time and your money…. what you love to study. It’s possible you are receiving a call from your passion. Maybe it’s time we both answer.
So I woke up and immediately got back to the journal prompts in my newest, life-shifting read, Amanda Frances‘ book “Rich As F*ck.” (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT! Especially on #Audible where you really get to be in her energy. I listened overnight two days in a row, and began approaching life differently. Now, I have my first viral video, which I posted after following a series of intuitive nudges I received the day after I started listening to her book. Coincidence? I think not. I don’t even believe in coincidence.)
Anyway, back to my story…
Soooo…. I wake up and start working through the questions in step 2 of her amazing system for clearing out unhelpful beliefs. I was making a list of all the reasons my inner mean girl (who I call the #catfish**) believes my dreams are not possible.
I was jamming. My list was getting so detailed (especially the parts about my pending soul mate), that I had worked all the way down and crammed as much micro-scribble as I could into that skinny line at the bottom of the page, continued up the right margin, across the top, and then vertically down the left edge of the page. I was getting into it! I found more space to the left of my bullet points and began working back up to the top. As I eagerly squeezed in my last scribbled possibility at the tippy top of the left margin, I saw the words, “Not possible.”
See, I started the list yesterday, but wasn’t in the mood because I had been working for hours on these beliefs. When I was beginning the list yesterday evening, I wrote, “Not possible” in the margin as a prompt to remind me of what kinds of beliefs I was listing (in case I got off track). When I woke up today and continued the list, I had forgotten all about my two-word reminder at the top of the left margin.
To be honest, the list started out with that “Not possible” energy. The first five were painful. It started out as a “this sucks that I can’t have these things” list. But as I got going, I began hearing Amanda’s voice in my head saying, “Anything that says I can’t have what I want is a lie.” So as I began affirming her words as I listed my dreams. They became more detailed the more I excepted them as possible. I got really excited listing my possibilities.
I was flowing. I was writing so fast, frantically scribbling in details that I now realized were possible. Then I hit those two words, “Not possible.” My joy came to a screeching halt. It was so deflating. And my inner catfish was right there, hands on hips, pursed lips, saying, “Mmmhmmm… You thought! But it’s ‘NOT possible.”
Right then, I remembered Amanda’s words, and heard her voice in my head saying, “Anything that says I can’t have what I want is a lie.” I looked at those two words, crossed out that “t” in “Not” and replaced it with a “w.” I defiantly said back to that catfish, “NOW. POSSIBLE.”
I will forever be grateful to Amanda Frances for her book, and how she’s poured into me and so many other women in her community, with her empowering knowledge. I am so grateful for the insomnia that led me to my Audible wish list at 4 a.m. two nights ago, and that I followed the intuitive nudge to grab her book and begin it immediately. I am so grateful for how unapologetic she is about being herself, which reminds me that it’s okay to be unapologetically me. And, I am sooo grateful for my new mantra that reminds me my dreams are “NOW possible.” So are yours.
BTW…. I HIGHLY recommend purchasing Amanda Frances’ book, “Rich As F*ck” if you are tired of dealing with the same struggles with money AND are ready to do the inner work to shift your beliefs. It is one of the best investments I ever made. She also offers many courses on her website that are empowering for women around finances, entrepreneurship, course creation, overcoming perceived setbacks, and more.
** “Catfish” is a term I use to describe that inner voice that tells us we’re not enough, talks us out of our dreams, and is generally discouraging, although well-meaning. After much awesome feedback on my You’re Being Catfished blog post, I decided to expand this concept into an upcoming book titled You’re Being Catfished: 7 Strategies for Overcoming Your Inner Critic, set to be released November 2022
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You ever met a liar that’s so good they could convince you that you aren’t you?
Tap the play button to listen to today’s podcast. Tap & hold first if necessary, then tap play. FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around. Press play to listen to today’s podcast. Blessings!
That happened to me—well, it’s been happening. This chick is so good that she even sounds like me. She had me confused so many times. I heard her voice and knew she was me.
To be totally honest, I’m not even sure how many years—well, decades—I’ve been catfished.
But don’t worry. Lately, she’s been getting sloppy. Her phrases are becoming repetitive. She’s developing a pattern. I can almost predict what she’ll do next. I know what she’ll say, and even when she’ll show up.
I am developing a portrait of my inner critic. Like a sketch artist with a little more information, I’m filling in the details. Soon she won’t be able to fool me anymore.
I’ve heard that there are others out there, so I want you to be aware. Let me tell you a little bit about her….
She continuously diverts my attention away from inspired ideas by offering distractions, convincing me of reasons they’re not good ideas, and by bombarding me with negative what if’s. She loves to bring up past instances when I failed at whatever I’m about to attempt. And the thing that really got my attention was when I noticed her repeating the same phrases, no matter what I was attempting.
Some of her main phrases are:
“That’s not gonna work.”
“It’s gonna take too long.”
“You’re behind.”
“No one’s gonna want/pay you for that.”
“How are you gonna pay for that?”
“You should do that over.”
“You should _______ instead.”
Now, chances are that you’ve been catfished, too—not by my inner critic, but by your own. And it’s tempting to be really angry.
What I’ve realized recently is that my inner critic is actually my misguided bodyguard. She showed up to serve me…. to protect me. From childhood ’til now, she has kept a record of every moment that has made me feel sad, embarrassed, or unsafe. She has noted every moment of grief, guilt, and shame. She has made it her priority to remember what I was doing each time I experienced those emotions. Then, she uses this data to protect me from experiencing those emotions again.
When she sees I’m about to do something that resembles those past moments of pain, she shows up with stories, fake tasks, and even cravings to deter me from participating. She does everything she can, and will even lie, to protect me.
I believe you might have a catfish, too, and they’ve likely done the same thing to you.
The only problem is that these catfi…, I mean, misguided body guards… haven’t evolved. Many of them arrived in childhood, so they still have childlike beliefs about why things happened. So they are attempting to protect us from things that might not even bring us pain. If you had your tonsils removed as a kid, and all you got to eat was ice cream, maybe in adulthood you hate cold treats and don’t even know why. If you and your dad were besties and then he left, you might be hesitant to allow yourself to love that deeply again. If you put your heart and soul into a school project, but your teacher tore it apart in front of the entire class, you may have decided that day to only do mediocre work, or that being in the front of the room is not safe.
Our inner body guards are well-meaning, but misguided. They refuse to let us experience those hurts again, so they take on our identity. They speak within us to warn us of “certain” danger. They repeat the lessons others taught us about how the world works, what’s unsafe, who to trust, what’s too big for us. They repeat those phrases and stories, and get in our way as we attempt to evolve. Until we become aware of them, and take control of our thoughts, they can run our whole lives and keep us from so many great things.
I challenge you to begin to notice the patterns of when your inner body guard shows up. Notice the thoughts that cross your mind when you decide you’re ready to embark on something new, something expansive, something that feels like a great next step. Pay attention to moments when your excited energy shifts. What thought crossed your mind? Become aware of what’s going on within you.
Start to write down your objections to evolving. Eventually, you will begin to notice a pattern. You’ll begin to see cycles of doing other than what you want to do. Keep noticing. Eventually, you may realize that your thoughts are actually the voice of your catfish.
Update: Thanks to the popularity of this post, get ready for my upcoming book! “You’re Being Catfished: 7 Strategies to Overcoming Your Inner Critic.” Expected release: November 2022
Update 2: Thanks to ADHD this project is still pending. Hoping to get it out by the end of 2025.
If you loved this post and want to support my work, please visit my Support Page.
(Okay, clearly not, but) I would’ve embraced one of my strongest passions as a child, and spent the rest of my life doing the thing I love the most….
), that I had worked all the way down and crammed as much micro-scribble as I could into that skinny line at the bottom of the page, continued up the right margin, across the top, and then vertically down the left edge of the page. I was getting into it! I found more space to the left of my bullet points and began working back up to the top. As I eagerly squeezed in my last scribbled possibility at the tippy top of the left margin, I saw the words, “Not possible.”
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