Let me tell you… This is likely the hardest season I’ve ever been through. This is beyond the sleeping in the car, the soup kitchen, and even being in an emotionally abusive relationship. This season has been like putting a lightweight in the ring with a heavy weight. No breaks. No rest. No reprieve. Just one thing after another. In short, life has been whoopin’ my ass.
And, of course, since I’m me, I can’t help but see the good, glean the lessons, acknowledge the blessings.
I was sitting here thinking about how the devastating emotional blows of this week have given me: clarity, insights, answers, and a new understanding of the deep and long-lasting impact of childhood trauma.
This week I got to see how being neurodivergent has presented itself throughout my life. I’ve become painfully aware of all the ways I have gone without support. I have had gut-wrenching conversations. I have pushed myself to do more, show up more, engage more, risk rejection more in the last 3 days than I probably have in the last 3 years. I have been “forced” to make decisions I would never voluntarily make, and I’ve had to accept the unacceptable.
And with all of that, I cannot help but see my growth, my resilience, and all my lessons. I see how the extensive, crushing experiences of this week helped me process some deep trauma. I got to see how moments in my life came together to create messages that still affect me. I got to see how having neurodivergent challenges coupled with a belief that I “no one will help me” have created tremendous strain in my life and many missed opportunities.
This week has been by far one of the hardest and most emotionally devastating weeks for me. (And it’s only Wednesday.) What I’ve experienced however has caused me to come to some conclusions about myself, and others, that are freeing me from a lot of the pressure I put on myself.
I got to see people show up for me, and I got to see who didn’t. I got to witness how I want to be loved, and the standard for what that looks like. I got to see how my top tier people are the ones who show up for me the way I show up for others. I want to be loved the way I love. And I accept that not everyone will love me that way, but I do expect it from my top tier people.
I realized how blessed I am. I realized what struggles I deal with. And I found out who I can call on to support me. I came to realize that the little girl who no one would help is now a grown woman who has people in her corner. I realize that the little girl who did all she could, in vain, to be seen, now has so many who see the truth of who she is. I realized that the effort I put into convincing people of who I am is pointless… that people see what they want to see, what they expect to see, and what they’ve been told to see. And I no longer compete with their view of me. They can believe whatever the hell they want, and that goes for everybody.
I grew so much this week, and I’m grateful. The process damn near killed me, but I’m grateful that I am still here to tell the story.
Have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.
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There’s a scripture that says, “Love (charity) doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.”
As we’re on this journey of loving ourselves more, by shifting what we’re imagining, I realized that one habit I have is drifting off in thought as I make lists of offenses.
It’s like if you walk into the bathroom and see the cap off the toothpaste, or someone left one swallow in the bottle of orange juice in the fridge, or they used the car and left it with no gas.
We have a tendency to get heated in those moments, then immediately drift into thought about all the other times they (or others) did similar irritating things. Or maybe it’s not a specific incident that has upset you, but an ongoing circumstance. Maybe your card got declined at the register, despite having your fingers crossed, and as you hurriedly left the store in embarrassment, you found yourself recalling every other embarrassing moment regarding money—every time you came up short and just didn’t have enough. And before long, you’re deep in a daydream of lack, convinced that things will never get better.
Well, the reason I can write this is because I can relate to it. And I know that we can’t have the lives we want when we’re constantly daydreaming about what we don’t want. Focus is a powerful thing—maybe the most powerful thing. So if we want to turn the tide toward having more of what we desire, we have to stop flowing our focus toward what brings us pain.
If we begin to look at our focus as a prayer to the universe, saying, “More of this please,” maybe we’ll be more committed to keeping our focus on what we want. Focus expands things because our attention is a sign to the universe that we’re interested and a signal to send us more.
You can notice this phenomenon when you have a certain car or color that you love. The more you focus on it, the more you begin to see it everywhere. Maybe you’re into royal blue sports cars. Once you start excitedly noticing them on the road, it’ll soon seem that everybody has one. Maybe there’s a certain headboard you’ve been considering buying. Now, on every tv show and movie you see a similar headboard in every bedroom scene. It’s because our focus causes us to notice more opportunities to repeat the experience. The rub is that it it doesn’t matter if you’re focused with intense joy or disdain. Our intense focus, filled with intense emotions will produce results.
I personally hate this fact—just being honest. Since I have ADHD, intentional focus is challenging for me. I have to work really hard to choose what I focus on. It’s easier to focus on what I’m used to ruminating on because those neuropathways are well-worn. The grooves in my mind that lead toward having not enough money are paths my thoughts have traveled MANY times. That groove is deep and traveling that path of thought is automatic. It takes intentional effort for me to choose more empowering thoughts, and to focus exclusively in ways that lead to what I want.
I woke up today and the first thought I had was of something annoying. Without any effort, another similar memory rushed in, then another. And that’s when my inner guidance kicked in and offered the suggestion that I stop the stream of annoying thoughts by listing memories I love.
It made me think of my recent podcast episode where I talked about a concept I called “piggybacking.” Let me explain. When we want to create a new habit, a helpful hack is to attach the new practice to one we do every day automatically. For example, if you’re trying to start saying positive affirmations, and you do your makeup every day, you can make a commitment to yourself to say your affirmations while you do your makeup. You can visualize your dream life while you drink your first cup of coffee/tea. You can make your gratitude list while you workout, or at night as you remove the decorative throw pillows from your bed.
Similarly, we can use “piggybacking” to shift unsupportive habits. If you have a tendency toward drifting off into negative daydreams, as I do, we can attach our new intentions to that old habit. We all have moments where we mindlessly find ourselves thinking of all that’s wrong with life, listing all the bills and things we can’t afford, and remembering each person who did us wrong. We can use those automatic b*tch sessions to trigger our minds to recall thoughts that fill us with love, peace, and joy.
I’ll use myself for an example. Since my desire is to bring in more money, I need to shift from thinking about lack. I recognize that this is challenging for me, since I’ve been doing it since CHILDHOOD. However, even long-held habits can be dissolved by replacing them with new habits.
As I’m writing this, I accept that the way I’ve been doing things is not getting me what I want. I can’t keep complaining about it and not doing what I know I need to do to shift the tendency. So today I acknowledge that I’m over being broke, and giving broke thoughts so much airplay in my mind. I am now committed to using this hack of “piggybacking” to shift from “lack-bombing” my mind.
So when I find myself in a stream of broke, lack-filled thoughts, I will yell out loud or in my mind, “PIVOT!” (just like Ross on Friends) and begin to recall moments of walking into the bank to deposit checks, moments of receiving cash from numerous ATMs, and moments of opening birthday cards and Christmas cards and seeing cash fall out. I’ll recall the days of picking up my check stubs from the office, and the relief of knowing direct deposits had been made. I’ll recall the times at the register when I was filled with relief as I saw the word “APPROVED” on the screen, or heard the sound of my receipt being printed, alerting me that my payment went through.
And I won’t just remember those moments. I will relive them. I won’t just stand back in my thoughts and watch myself like it’s a TV show. I will zoom in and be fully present in those moments. I will feel the coolness of the metal counter at the bank as I wait patiently for my check to be deposited, and I’ll feel the paper and weight of the envelope as she hands me my cash. In my mind I’ll embellish the memories and ask for mystery flavored lollypop. I will feel the envelope and receipt in my hands, as I stuff them in my purse quickly before reentering the parking lot. I’ll hear the door close behind me. I will feel the relief of checking my PayPal balance and seeing a new deposit from Udemy because new students purchased my online parenting communication course (Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship). I will feel myself well up with gratitude and surprise as I notice a new deposit in my Venmo—a random act of kindness from a supporter who appreciates my blog, podcasts, and positive presence on social media. I’ll relive the excitement of receiving a deposit from Amazon, and new funds in my CashApp account, because someone purchased multiple copies of my children’s book I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! I will both recall and recreate memories of having enough money and saying, “Yes, we can go,” to my daughter when asks for custard from Andy’s, sushi from our favorite restaurant, or for us to take a vacation. I’ll rehearse holding my phone steady and adjusting my newly endorsed check just right on the dark surface for my mobile deposit. I’ll see the green checkmark appear on my screen, letting me know I did a good job and it’s time to photograph the other side. I will relive and revise each of those beautiful moments with the same intensity that I have habitually relived and created the many memories that brought me anxiety and pain.
If we think about it, we likely have some memories that we can recall where life matched the blueprint of how it’s supposed to be. We may have a few moments, here and there, when it felt like life was on track. Even if there weren’t that many, we can begin to relive them so often that our mind is convinced that there were tons of them and evidence to support our focus will become readily available. I honestly believe that just in the focus I gave as I wrote this post that I have reminded my mind that my life is meant to be abundant. I definitely created new grooves and deeper pathways toward the life that I want. It really is that simple.
We can use our unsupportive tendencies to create new supportive habits of thought. We can use our avalanches of negative thoughts to trigger us to PIVOT! We can intentionally shift our focus to memories that feel good and empowering. We can use our imaginations to support our dreams and desires.
Make a commitment with me today to do your best to PIVOT! and choose thoughts that serve you. Observe your tendencies lovingly. You’re on your team. You’re not trying to catch yourself doing something “bad” so you can guilt trip yourself. This is an act of loving awareness. A moment of, “Oops. I was doing that thing again. Time to PIVOT!” Make it fun. Laugh at your mind and lovingly move into your pleasant memories.
Let’s create some new grooves—new pathways in our brains—that lead to more of what we desire.
You know the amazing thing about faith is how fleeting it is. One incident can completely erode faith. And I know firsthand.
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Many years ago, I was in school working on my master’s degree and I met a man. I had no idea that he would become one of the greatest influences in my life.
When I returned to school for my master’s I was at the peak of my spiritual life. I was devout in the church and my focus was Jesus Jesus Jesus. I had “rededicated my life to God” and decided that I was going to do whatever it took to live a life of “purity.” I gave up all secular television and music. I only watched kid’s programming and the news, outside of Christian music and tv shows. I didn’t want to risk seeing or hearing something that would cause me to sin.
And then I went away to school and on my first day of registration I met this man who would become my undoing.
I’ll spare you the details, and just say that after he became involved in my life my ethics and morals went out the window. I was doing things I would NEVER do just to keep him. I became dedicated to him and no longer to God, and my life was going down down down.
I began to lose … focus… autonomy…. money…. my health… my friends, family, freedom… and eventually my faith.
So much kept going wrong once I brought him into my life. It was like the Universe was shouting “Run, Forrest!” and I wasn’t catching on. Unfortunate incident after unfortunate incident happened, maybe in an attempt to wake me up and slap some sense into me, but I didn’t get the message. I was all in, dedicated, and trying daily to prove to him that I was loyal, committed, and worthy. As my life, my dreams, my health, my relationships, and my focus in school unraveled, I turned on God. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t support us, wouldn’t help us, I mean we were dedicated to doing the “Lord’s work.” Without a ring… ever… I took him as my head. I followed him around like a puppy, constantly doing all I could to prove to him that I was his “ride or die.” I even slept in our car with him in a Kroger parking lot… multiple nights. He was dedicated to God (apparently) and I was dedicated to him.
Seeing how bad our lives had become on his journey to follow God’s voice, I became increasingly frustrated. I was following what he believes God told him and was living off of baby carrots, peanut butter, and 2 percent milk (that we kept cold by leaving it on the roof of our car at night). I wasn’t receiving messages of confirmation, but I figured God liked men more so didn’t feel the need to fill me in on what was happening with our life. I could see it was tanking, but God had stopped answering my prayers long ago so I didn’t have anything to say to “Him” anyway. I had dedicated my entire life to God, being a bible thumping, Jesus tee wearing, devoted as heck Christian (I even had one that said “Crack a bible. Get high with Jesus,” that I proudly wore to high school!) And for that dedication, all I had to show for it was a million bad days.
I was living in a roach infested apartment with no furniture. Correction, we had one piece of furniture—one of those polyester folding chairs that slides into the matching polyester bag with the shoulder strap. Yeah… we had nothing but our clothes, linens, my computer, and my beautiful puppy.
BTW… I was 6 months pregnant. When we arrived at our new apartment we had one more furniture item, a full sized air mattress. But my larger than life “fake fiance” refused to let the pregnant woman have the bed while he slept on the floor so he climbed onto that air mattress with me night after night until it eventually gave under the pressure of his weight plus mine. I hated him for that. But of course I never said anything. Instead I grabbed our towels and clothes and stuffed them in pillow cases and made myself a pallet on the floor. It was terribly uncomfortable, with all my pregnant woman aches and pains. I hid under a fitted sheet tucked under my head, and feet and all around me, to keep bugs off of me while I slept.
I was in hell.
My life had been a sh*t storm from the second he entered it, but it wasn’t until a decade later that I truly saw the pattern. From declining grades and falling ill, to getting into a car accident the day we were to move in together. (Yep. As I was pulling over to park at our apartment, I took the side mirror off an Escalade with our U-Haul.) One day, I accompanied him for an outdoor workout, and got hit in the face with a golf ball and cracked my jaw. (He, of course, was kind enough to drop me off at home—not the ER—then returned to the forest preserve to complete his workout.) We got evicted (twice), couch surfed, slept in our car, lost our minivan (that was totaled when he allowed a teen driver to use it to practice for her driver’s ed exam). I gave up my family, my friends, lost my dog, and had more embarrassing moments than I can count.
I prayed in vain for support all our years together and finally accepted that God was not listening. So I decided to stop talking to “Him.” I literally in one final prayer told God to eff off, and that I was done.
Surprisingly, the heavens didn’t open with one targeted lighting bolt to take me out. Nothing happened. I accepted the silence and when problems arose, I took the approach of a realist. No more nonsense praying. God wasn’t taking my calls, so I decided to hang up my faith.
What I realized recently, is that although I have rebuilt my spiritual life and have chosen a bit of a different approach regarding the presence of God, my faith is still up in the air.
Although that relationship was over a decade ago, I still haven’t found my way back to hope, joy, or most importantly, faith.
Sometimes we lose more than just time in toxic relationships. We lose our family, friends, goals, dreams, possessions, health, and credibility…. And sometimes we lose even more.
So today I am writing to you honestly to say that I acknowledge that although I lost plenty of tangible things, the greatest loss was my faith. And I don’t mean my religious affiliations. I mean my ability to believe that more is possible, that things get better, that the universe supports me.
It’s been just in the last few days that a shift began within me. I am feeling the lens of hopelessness lifting from my eyes. I am beginning to believe again… and deeper than I ever have before.
I’m not putting my belief and faith in others, but in the divinity that lies within me. I am taking less outside advice and tapping into the higher voice within me and listening for guidance. I am seeing ways to combine my gifts and share them with my audience. I am accepting that I have something of value to say.
If you have found value in my blog posts, I believe you’re really going to love my podcast. I currently post DAILY and it’s FREE! You can listen on SoundCloud or (as of two days ago) on Youtube. I will continue to blog here bi-weekly (approximately once every 10-14 days). If you want more of my work, words, and insights, I highly recommend you check out my new podcast Share & Let’s Live! with Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist. For the month of August, I’ve been focusing on inner healing regarding the use of our imagination. It’s a powerful series and you can catch it daily. Links & a preview below.
Maybe you can relate to bits of my story. Maybe there’s a person, or a past incident, that kicked the faith legs right from under you. Maybe you had a bad relationship that taught it’s unsafe to love. Maybe you’ve had so many bad breaks that you no longer experience joy….
I wrote this post for you. We get to heal from what we’ve been through. We can grab the lessons and slowly discard the pain. We can see these incidents as moments rather than predictions of what life gets to be for us. We can take our lives back a little at a time.
Let’s begin to seek our inner guidance for clarity on next steps we can take to restore our lives and our core values. Maybe we rewrite a few rules on how we know what to believe in, whom to love, and what qualifies as joy. Maybe we breathe deeply in nature and slowly take the trek back from lost to found. I won’t tell you specifically what you need to do, because I believe our answers are within.
I just know it’s time to slowly work our way back to peace, love and faith. I am so ready. Are you?
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Don’t forget to check out my new podcast on YouTube! It’s also available on SoundCloud. Tons of empowering episodes to listen to there. New episodes will be on both platforms. Blessings, always.
Imagine being in the middle of the ocean not fully knowing how to swim but too committed to staying alive to go under .
Lately I have been feeling the weight and the exhaustion of staying afloat. I saw a meme once that said something like motherhood is like being ejected from a plane and on the way down you have to attach everyone’s parachute, but yours. Then you hit the ground, but you don’t die. You just get up and make dinner.
I’m sure I butchered the original wording, but that’s my take on it. And if I’m being fully honest, I didn’t start attaching and opening everyone else’s parachutes when I became a parent. I’ve been doing it my whole life… Putting myself last and being “‘okay’ as long as everyone else is okay,” has been a way of life from childhood. But was I ever okay?
Lately, I’ve been looking back, trying to make sense of present challenges. And the thing that’s weird and a bit sad is I can’t remember being happy. As far back as I look I can remember loneliness isolation feeling in the way feeling out of place but I can’t remember a time of feeling consistently happy.
Every once in awhile I come across one of those posts where some person who clearly had a happy childhood make some general reference about if you can remember drinking from a garden hose or watching The Flintstones or some other random childhood memory that you definitely had a happy childhood. Each time I see those I realize how unaware people can be that everyone doesn’t share their experience.
I was sitting here writing in haiku format to get the thoughts out of my head and this is one of my journal entries…
“People call me strong. At best I’m moving broken. Half dead but won’t croak.”
It was this haiku that got me writing this. It was a bit jarring, but honest. When I tell people that I’m tired they suggest that I take a nap. But how long is a nap for someone who has been emotionally exhausted for over a decade? How much restorative sleep and relaxation is needed for someone who has been dragging themselves along, trying (in vain) to keep up since kindergarten? How many days do you take off when you have been trying to stay afloat in the ocean for 40 years?
When I say I’m tired I’m not talking about I need a nap. I need reprieve from the weight of my best efforts never being enough. I need a rest from the solution to every problem being more work. I need the kind of rest that doesn’t feel like I’ve set myself back. I need to be able to rest and know that I haven’t put myself even farther behind.
I saw a post the other day that said something like adulthood is needing to cry non-stop for 4 days, but not having the time to do it. I think I could cry non-stop for 2 weeks. But who has the time?
I was talking to my daughter in the car as we were driving to the store and I just told her that my to-do list just gets longer. It’s just more stuff even as I complete things more things are added so it never gets shorter. And no matter how much I do how much I overcome how much I accomplish still have to endure haters who say I ain’t doing sh*t. And I have to overcome my own mind that is saying the same, because despite what I do I am still dealing with the same problem. That gets to you after a while.
And this is just me letting off steam. I intro by saying that I’m venting. I don’t have any give up in me. Regardless of how much I may want to or be tempted to. I’m going to keep going I’m going to keep growing and going to keep making adjustments in how I think talk and show up.
And tonight I’m giving myself the freedom to admit that that doesn’t always feel good…. and that it can be exhausting… And then maybe only one person can relate, but to whoever you are just know you’re not alone. I’m not giving up and I’m asking that you don’t either.
I have the audacity to believe that it does get better than this. That regardless of how it feels, or looks, right now that things can get better, we can get better, and we can handle life better. I believe that life gets to be enjoyable, that it’s not over, that I am within reach of what I need to know, believe, or experience that turns the tide… that becomes my life raft… that makes what felt permanent become temporary. Even if the circumstance cannot change, we can change how we handle and process it. I believe that. I believe there is more for us, and holding space for you and myself at this moment. Do. Not. Give. Up. Let’s see what’s on the other side of this.
