Can I be honest? Lately, life has been whooping my a$$. I’ve been having the most awkward and uncomfortable, vulnerable conversations. I’ve had to out myself about shortcomings and secrets I’ve been hiding for years.

It’s one thing to share your truth with a friend, or even a random—like a bartender or the unfortunate stranger next to you on a flight. It’s a WHOLE ‘nother thing to share your truths with your offspring. To expose your most vulnerable secrets to the one person whose opinion matters most… is terrifying.

Well, I did that about a week ago. My daughter is a bit more mature than most her age, and we have a really close relationship. There are boundaries, of course, but we talk. And as much as we talk, there are some things that we hadn’t talked about, because I was afraid of how she’d view me if she knew. Little by little throughout the year (especially after Easter’s grand event ), I’ve been telling her bits and pieces of my past, but this issue is in my present.

I came clean because my secrets were impacting our relationship, and she deserved to know the truth. I came clean because I know there is one person who would love to kick the legs from under our connection, by telling her something I had not shared. I came clean because our relationship matters to me more than any other relationship on this earth and her trust matters.

I have never liked for anyone to have power over me because of a secret. When I was a little girl, one of my siblings (I won’t say which ) threatened to tell on me so they had me working as their personal butler. I was tired of running around following orders, so I went to my mom. I told on myself, THEN I told on them for using it to control me. They got in trouble. So as far back as I can remember, I never tolerated being controlled by a secret.

I’m still that way. I like to be in control of my narrative, as much as possible. If you read my other blog about my ex, you understand why it’s so important for me to tell my stories myself. I learned the hard way, that when other people tell our stories, they subtract and add….

One beautiful gift my amazing daughter gave me this year is unconditional love. I was used to giving it, but not necessarily receiving it. However, no matter what stories I shared with her, she has loved me anyway. Our relationship has grown closer.

It might seem like a “duh” moment to you, but it was a surprise for me. My greatest terror for years was that if she knew all about me, like really knew me, she would reject me. But she didn’t. A few days ago, I revealed my deepest shame and she loved me anyway.

Through her response, she helped me raise my standard. She offered me unconditional love and I was moved. It healed me. And then I realized, that’s what I offer to others. I deserve to get that in return.

I offer unconditional love and that’s what I expect in return. I believe the people in my life have good intentions, and that’s what I expect in return. If someone I care about is struggling, and I’m able to help, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, and that’s what I expect in return….

I am now at a point in my life where I am acknowledging my worth. My standard now is to receive the love I give. This is no longer an area where I settle and say, “opposites attract.” I’m attracted to reciprocity.

I offer love that feels like love and that’s all I’ll accept in return. I’m done chasing people. I’m done with one-sided friendships and relationships. I’m done being confused on where I stand. “Love feels like love” is my test for evaluating if what I’m doing, and who I’m doing it with, is worth my time, effort, and presence….

This season of life has been challenging AND I’ve learned so many lessons. I still believe “all things have purpose.” I still believe that “God” loves me too much to have me go through for no reason. I still believe that things happen for me, not to me. And I believe to my core that “love feels like love.” That’s my standard, and I’m sticking to it.

Maybe it’s time to raise your standards. Maybe it’s time to accept that you KNOW you deserve better and choose that you get to have it. Maybe it’s time to give to yourself what you desire from others.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!

A few days ago, I wrote on my bathroom mirror, “Love yourself the way you want to be loved. Give it to yourself.”

The idea came to me after some deep reflection about a love I once had that was so beautiful. I remembered the many times that as I was talking to him, I’d notice the love beaming from him. I could see it in his eyes that he adored me. The intensity was distracting and would make me forget my words and smile back at him. As I thought of the beauty of that, I became sad for a second that he’s no longer in my life. That’s when my inner knowing reminded me that during that relationship I received guidance that the relationship would not last, and that I should treat the experience as a “tutorial in self-love.”

As I thought about how he loved me, I realized that I can give those things to myself. I am worthy of radiating that kind of love to myself. So I wrote the words on my bathroom mirror, to remind myself to use my mirror to love myself. I get to give myself the love I periodically miss as I remember what has been. I get to look in my own eyes with that deep adoring love. I get to see every inch of me as beautiful. I get to see my weirdness and awkwardness as adorable. I get to see the beauty of my scars, my resilience, my mind….

And then I get to add another layer of love. I get to love myself the way I love my loved ones. I get to show up for myself the way I show up for others. I get to believe in myself the way I believe in others. I get to go hard for myself the way I go hard for others….

We deserve the love we so readily give to others. When we long for connection externally, it’s an awesome time to check in with ourselves and see if we are giving ourselves that love. We get to connect with ourselves. We get to tap into the core of what we desire, ask ourselves, “What do I want to feel?” and find ways to give that to ourselves. In doing so we radiate the energy that we desire to draw to us.

Have you ever been in a really great mood and noticed that people were extra kind? They hold the elevator for you, they smile and say, “Good morning,” you get all the green lights, and the up front parking spaces. It’s the vibe. Your vibe attracts like energy.

Similarly, it has been my experience that when I am loving myself sincerely, when I’m feeling great about myself, when I’m enjoying my own company, that’s when aligned relationships float into my life… effortlessly. So rather than miss the love I once had, I choose to remember it, and find ways to give it to myself. As I love me, I radiate the vibe that will draw an even better love into my life.

Love yourself the way you want to be loved. Give it to yourself.

Know that you deserve it.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!

Thank you so much for reading! Please share.

“If you refuse to address your shadow, you will continue to meet your shadow in relationships.”

These are the words that came to me. I’m calling it a thought because I can’t be for sure that it was intuitive. The idea came to me while I was recalling an incident…. It was a moment of
“Wait a minute?”  “I wonder if that happened because… “

Well, maybe it’ll be easier to just tell you the story….

I was standing in my room thinking about the recent shadow work I’ve started. To be honest, I am still learning all of what “shadow work” means, but for now, my definition of shadow work is addressing the painful and shameful stuff that we tuck away in the back of our minds so we can go on with life without crying all the time.  That definition works for me. 

I’ve said for the longest time that “I don’t have time” to process painful stuff. I’ve got a child to raise. Look, I’m just being honest. I am a single mother who has chosen entrepreneurship over employment, with no example to guide me through it. For the sake of my sanity—and so I could be present for my daughter—I chose to “suck it up” and deal with it later. I was kept that up for a while but you know the pandemic and all. I think we all needed a therapist. So I got me one, too. 

Prior, however, my go-to coping mechanism was to just tuck that stuff into the overflowing storage closet of my mind, and periodically when the door creaked and a memory spilled out, I’d just tuck that stuff back in and force that door shut. I know I should not be proud of my chosen coping mechanism, given that I have a master’s in counseling. But I did what I thought would work to get through….

Well, as you may know, if you’ve ever discovered a slimy, gross, dripping, what-the-heck-is-this-color-and-what-is-that-smell nasty bag of uneaten salad in the back of your fridge…., you know that ignoring a task doesn’t make it go away. Eventually, it demands your attention in ways that are grossly inconvenient and at times horribly pungent.

This brings me to my ex…. 

You may, or may not, know this, but I’m a “pk.” PK stands for “preacher’s kid.” Despite the belief that many hold that the pastor’s kids are usually the worst ones (I’ve heard that a million times ), I was a people pleaser. I work very hard to do the right thing, keep my business to myself, and not “bring shame on the family.”

There are so many things that I wanted to do that I didn’t allow myself to do because I didn’t want to bring shame on the family. There are so many parts of my story that I do not share, because I don’t want to bring shame on the family. There are so many projects I’ve avoided bringing to life to avoid bringing shame on the family. For decades, I have had this duality within, that I was ignoring due to a sense of obligation.

Well, remember how I told you when you don’t address the internal, it presents itself externally? Well, that happened to me in April. On Easter Sunday, of this year, my ex showed up, stood in front of my house, and at the top of his lungs, for about 15 minutes straight, yelled my personal business, my family’s personal business, lies about me and my family and some misconceptions, for the entire neighborhood to hear. When I say “yelled,” I mean hollered with a barreling voice, so loudly that if you were within 3 blocks you could hear him from any direction, and if you were within a block and a half you could hear EVERY word. He walked back and forth in front of my house yelling lies, secrets, mental health diagnoses, and so much more with increasing volume, right as the neighborhood church dismissed it’s Easter Sunday parishioners. It was a HUGE scene, with LOTS of witnesses. It was humiliating.

It was the worst day of my life, and I was nearly shot and killed while I was pregnant. I have slept in my car with my newborn. I have been through all kinds of “you’ve got to be lying” experiences, and this was the WORST day of my life.

I am an introvert. I don’t argue in public. I barely discuss personal matters in private. And this…. individual…. put all my business in the street….

It took the wind out of me. It was beyond unsettling. He was out of control, but at the same time—because he took mine—he was in control. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I wasn’t gonna call the police, because he wasn’t being physically threatening and I wasn’t about to be responsible for the next police shooting. He wasn’t going to stop until he was done. I wasn’t even engaging him. I went inside and locked my door after the first minute of trying to get him to calm down and discuss things respectfully.

Eventually, he stopped. Someone calmed him. They left. And I locked the door, collapsed on the couch, pulled knees to my chest and wept. I mean graveside at a dear loved one’s funeral bawled, inconsolably….

Later, that day, when I was calm, I began to process what happened. And being me, forever the one who finds the bright side, I thought, “Well, I guess now I don’t have to worry about that tell-all I’ve been wanting to write. He just freed me.” 

Being “nice” is now out the window. Whatever details are necessary to have most powerful impact for my readers will be shared… with ease. 

This is the story that came to me as I thought about the shadow work I am now doing. I’ve been wanting to tell my story for a long time, now. I was afraid to do it because I didn’t want parts of my story to “cause shame to the family,” AND I didn’t want to upset some of the other characters by letting people know the truth about them. What I realized is that because I was too terrified to tell my story, this blankety blank individual  showed up to tell it for me. And his version wasn’t fully factual.

The blessing in this is that his irrational behavior actually helped me, although, he was trying to hurt me. I believe “ALL things work together for good.” To me, that means that even if in the moments it doesn’t feel like it, nothings happens TO me, everything happens FOR me.

What he attempted to do to me, is now going to work for me. I had things that I wanted to share, but refused to because of a ridiculous sense of loyalty. I didn’t want to make him and others look bad. I was helping them keep up appearances. However, thank you my dear ex for freeing me to share my story. I no longer need to feel obligated to protect the image of people who repeatedly and consistently treat me like .

I am so grateful for that horrible experience. I no longer have to fear the worst case scenario. I experienced it. So any fear I have now of telling my story is purely out of habit. I get to tell it. I get to heal those places where I feel inadequate—those aspects of me I try to hide with accomplishments. I get to have honest conversations about my life, and my past, with those who matter most. And I get to take these lessons and moments and use them to help others feel less alone and see a path for navigating tough stuff.

I get to stop being afraid of what’s tucked away in my mental storage closet. I get to reframe stories for my inner child. I get to heal myself in a new way—through working with my shadow—and as you know, when I learn, I teach. We all get to grow.

Thanks for listening. I hope you found something inspiring in my venting. 

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Appreciate this post? Please send Marlene a tip.

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!

Thank you so much for reading! Please share.