So… I’m ready… well, almost ready… to start #dating again. I’ve been thinking about it… a lot… for a while now, but it’s getting worse because my dear friends (who were on this #singlemomlife journey with me ) are rapidly finding love…. like the forever kind… and it’s just making more aware that I don’t have a person.
I’ll be honest. I chose to remain single. When my “marriage” ended, I gave my whole focus to #motherhood and building my brand. Over the years, I’ve split my attention when I experienced mutual interest with a beautiful, kind, intelligent, loving, supportive, Black man, but it never turned into that forever #love I know I deserve, and that my daughter deserves. I’ve been so busy with life, raising her, creating, sharing my gifts, deep diving into personal development, and attempting try every trick any coach, guru, or business leader said would work to create a sustainable business. That left little time for anything else—or anyone else—so I just continued with life and let being coupled not matter.
However, lately, it’s been on my mind. I want a person to witness life with me. I want to show up to functions with a plus one that isn’t my daughter, or my cellphone (as I work through the whole event). I want my daughter to experience seeing her mother in love, to know what it is to have a loving father in the home she’s being raised in before she’s too old to appreciate it. I want her to know what it’s like to have a “traditional” family. I want her to experience the unconditional love a father. I want to feel like I’m not in this world by myself, that I have a companion and witness to my experiences. I want to go out on dates. I want a dance partner. I want someone sitting by my side at school events. When the time comes, I want her to have her “dad” and mom drop her off at college. I want someone by my side to squeeze my hand as her waving image gets smaller in the rearview mirror.
I wanted to be available for her and I didn’t want anyone to take my attention from the two most important “things” in my life—my daughter and my business. And now I feel like I’m nearly ready to focus on 3 things, and fear is coming up…..
I think I’m venting because I realize that the idea of returning to dating makes me feel nervous…. I know that I am a great woman, that I’m loving and kind, that I’m supportive and encouraging, and that I can cook exceptionally well in whatever room you think I’m talking about. And, I know that there are some areas I struggle with as a result of being #neurodivergent, and from overcoming life experiences that impacted me deeply. I deal with social anxiety and need to be with someone who understands how that effects my presence and behavior. I have #ADHD and the way it presents in my life is that most executive functioning tasks very challenging. I need someone who understands that and that impacts every aspect of my life—someone who’ll see how hard I’m trying and never shame me for not doing more…. someone who’ll be supportive and loving, especially toward the parts of me that are challenges….
…. And I honestly wonder if I have it in me to allow that in…. to believe I get to have that. My desire is for unconditional love and I wonder if my life experiences will allow me to trust again that it’s possible for me. I feel like I deserve it, but I, honestly, still wonder if I get to have it. I wonder if my way of being, and my struggles, will be too much for Mr. Next. I don’t want to meet someone and fall in love, only to find out that they don’t really accept me as I am… again. I want to meet someone who loves me unconditionally, who sees my struggles, accepts me, and wants to help. I’ve seen couples like that—couples who know their love forgets things so they leave reminder love notes for their partner. It’s so inspiring….
I feel like it’s my work now to believe that’s possible for me. I want to experience the kind of unconditional love that will be an example for my daughter of what it looks and feels like to be loved right. I want her to experience the beauty of seeing her mom in love and to know that this same man loves her with the innocent and beautiful protective, supportive, and encouraging love of a father. I want to have adventures, to learn to swim and ride a bike and try new foods. I want a companion as I travel, explore, and experience success. I want a dance partner, who enjoys the arts, so I won’t feel like I’m dragging him to cultural events. Better yet, I want him dragging me out the house to do the things he knows I’d love to do but probably won’t voluntarily do because of social anxiety. For him to be so present with me through it that I have the best time and feel so supported and loved and safe to be myself.
I want to feel safe…. emotionally, physically, psychologically, and even financially. I want someone who will stretch my awareness of what love gets to be for me farther than I’ve ever known. I want someone to give me what I give to others—full acceptance. And right now I feel that the distance between being fully ready and being almost ready is my ability to trust that exists for me, that I get to have that, that I get to be loved unconditionally.
Thank you for reading and taking this journey with me. I am ready to be ready for love. Please hold space with me to believe for my Mr. Right to come stepping in at the right time…. and for me to believe he’ll stay. Thank you.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
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Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!