Every morning, I wake up wanting to do, but I’ve entered a season where my work is to… be.
I’ve been at this business since 2011, chasing money through sharing what I can do. It’s never been my thing to be all about money, but I had an argument with my ex about not bringing in money, that made me feel so guilty, and as such a burden (as a stay-at-home mom), that I decided that I would start to create something that I could sell.
That’s when I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!—the brand—was born. The classic version of my Natural Me! Girls were placed on mugs and t-shirts and key chains, and everything else I could think of, with the intention of being a contributing member of our relationship.
It’s not surprising that I coupled with someone who made me feel like a burden. I never made him feel like that while I was the only one working, but when the tables turned, it wasn’t long before he made it clear it was not his chosen path.
I was raised to not be heavy on people. Don’t be a burden. Don’t be an inconvenience. Don’t ask for anything. Always say, “No thank you.” These phrases were drilled into my psyche. No part of me was okay with feeling that I was too much weight for a person, so I found a way to make myself lighter.
I never really thought of it, until I started typing this, that it was his series of complaints that led to my frustrated scramble to figure out a way to work from home. I never wanted to leave my baby in the care of another before she was old enough to communicate. I just don’t trust people like that. So I searched for ways to be able to care for my daughter myself while bringing in an income. That’s when I discovered that I could set up a store with my own designs and sell them on coffee mugs and t-shirts and other gift items.
I wouldn’t go as far as to credit him for the creation of my brand, though. I don’t think he ever cared to notice what I was doing, as I sat at the computer designing products. Giving him credit would be like thanking your growling stomach for making you put in a job application. Either way, it is interesting to see that from that day, until now, I wake up each morning with the intention to do what I can to pull my own weight. It’s very telling of how long we can be doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.
May years ago I was watching an interview between Oprah and Gary Zukav. They were talking about the importance of intentions, and how (and this is my paraphrase) the universe responds to your true intentions, not the story you tell yourself about why you’re doing it.
I’ve always been a person that was not motivated by money. I always wanted to do things from a place of purpose. But when I got old enough to have bills to pay, and then a child to raise, I realized that no one gave a sh*t about my purpose. They just wanted their money on time. So I began to do whatever jobs I could get myself to stick with, for as long as I could get myself to stick with them. I’d try to block out my need for purpose as long as possible, and eventually it would always kick back in, and soon I’d be resigning again.
When I wrote, and self-published I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! (The book was written and published years after the products were out.) for the first time in a long time I felt connected to purpose. I was attending natural hair vendor fairs, and reading at daycares and schools, and eventually I started speaking to middle school girls and parents. All of that has felt very aligned with my purpose….
What I realize today… like literally, right now as I’m typing this… is that I have been navigating the duality all these years. I’m trying to move in my purpose, WHILE trying to prove my worth. I’m trying to do meaningful work, WHILE trying to bring in enough income to feel I’m not a burden. I’m trying to teach about self-worth, WHILE still recognizing my own….
When you teach a child that their worth is in what they do, when they aren’t doing it, they feel worthless. When you teach a child that their worth is in what they have, when they don’t have it, they feel worthless. When you teach a child that they only deserve what they earn, they will feel unworthy of kindness, gifts, and blessings. And when you teach a child that only hard work has value, then if their passion is for creative, intuitive, or spiritual work, they will feel unworthy of compensation.
Every day, I wake up with the same task… the same burden… Prove your worth. And each day I have attempted to do it from that same old flawed framework. I have been holding on to the bull I was taught about my worth, WHILE wondering why my purposeful work isn’t generating decent income.
What a huge discovery!
So the purpose of bringing up the past was to note that since the summer of 2011, I’ve been waking up every morning, trying to make myself useful. It sounds bad, but that’s essentially what it’s been.
On a few rare moments, I woke up and meditated and flowed in what I was guided to do, but for the most part, I’d wake up and soon after end up at the computer, trying to create, connect, sell, or learn… all for the purpose of DOING something to prove my worth. I was up DOing.
This morning, I woke up feeling great. I was calm and peaceful and content in the idea of BEING. Instead of the fearful urge to hop on the computer, I had the intuitive desire to journal. When I didn’t see my journal nearby, I quickly unraveled that layer of it’s okay to just BE and started to find something to DO.
I decided to continue cleaning my room, by breaking down Amazon boxes. Yesterday, after cancelling my plans because I just couldn’t “people,” I decided that I’d get up super early and go to the store at 6 am. That way, I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone in my house, I’d have a peaceful drive, and next to no one would be in the store. Bliss!
However, when I woke up, it was so dark outside, I knew it was way too early to head to the grocery store, as planned, so I moved around quietly attempting to clear space without accidentally waking anyone.
I did that successfully for a while, then sat down to bask in the silence of the house. It felt so peaceful that everyone was asleep for a change. BUT I waited a little too long. I heard my dad moving around upstairs. I knew that was bound to soon wake my mom. Then, before I could even hop up to put on clothes, the kids were up, and in the hallway outside my door. Sigh.
My beautiful plan was ruined.
In order to get out the door, I’d have to navigate the minefield of humans requesting that I do this, or guilt tripping me for not doing that. I just wanted to enjoy the bliss of waking up and moving through my day with no obligations to anyone. I just wanted to get to my car and enjoy my morning request free…. to just… BE.
If you can’t relate to this feeling, or think I’m being extra/ridiculously ungrateful to have family to serve…. yeah, this one is not for you. Feel free to scroll through other blog posts…. or not. By the way, lucky you. It’s a beautiful thing to not attach your sense of value to your ability to keep people happy. That’s something I’m working through. You can check out previous podcasts and blogs I’ve shared on healing from people pleasing. Might help you develop empathy. Anywho, I digress….
So as I listened to my family moving around at the buttcrack of dawn, I pictured the numerous versions of me slipping out of my room and running right into someone who wanted something. OR making it through one level of this house only to run into a person on the next level. Maybe that person wouldn’t want me to do something, maybe they’d just want to talk to me about why I missed the family’s annual event yesterday.
Yeah, all those scenarios sounded like ass, and I just couldn’t, so I pulled my covers back over my head, pulled my phone out, and went back to playing a video game until I fell asleep.
Sooo… I just woke up from that nap. I have no idea what time it is, but my hope is that one level is clear (since it’s Sunday and they should be at church). I’m going to try again to throw on clothes and sneak out of this house. I need this time to myself and I’m going to do all I can to protect it.
As an introverted, neurodivergent human, who deals with social anxiety and shame around not keeping people happy, I have to be very intentional about my energy. If I miss it, and use my energy in a way that is draining first thing in the morning, it can tank my whole day. I’ve learned to just take a nap, if possible, and restart the day.
That’s what I’m doing, now. I saw what my thoughts did on “take 1” so I’m going to approach things differently on “take 2.” This is not the time to beat myself up for not having more control of my thoughts. This is not the time to despise my family. This is not the time to feel like I’m doomed because I deal with some challenges that can make “simple” things hard. This is the time for focusing on my goal, and avoiding thoughts and actions that get in the way.
So instead of thinking about the same things I did last time, I will ask myself a simple question, make a simple checklist, and get the heck out this house.
“What do I need/need to do to get out of this house?”
– Put on jeans and a top, any top
– Grab my purse (keys are already attached)
– Grab my shoes
– Wash my face. (Nope. Too risky. Warm water from tea kettle on a paper towel.)
– Oh! Grab my phone.
– Run for the door.
– Send a BRB text from the car.
So, that’s the plan. Fingers crossed.
I’ll circle back with an update, and to add the meme and post this, and let you know below how it went.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Update: I followed my checklist! I made it to the store! I didn’t run into any family on the way out! And I recorded TWO podcast episodes on the way to and from. Sound quality might be… interesting… but please check them out. Gonna be some good stuff. I’ll add them down here once I edit them. (This is such a fun way to share my day and my epiphanies. Thanks for being here!)
Here’s Part 1…
… and here’s part 2… Wait ’til you hear the second half. Wowsers!
MDillon Designs & Publishing 