Today, I had every intention of showing up as I always do. I was going to put my fatigue to the side, be who everyone expects me to be, and show up where I was expected to show up. But I just couldn’t do it.
Even now, as the event where I know my loved ones are gathered, I’m sitting here, in front of my computer typing. Because although I love them and want to be there, I am all out of people energy.
I fight through, and keep doing and being and going and showing up. I do it year round, day in and day out, and I am f*cking exhausted.
Yesterday, I had an interaction that knocked me on my ass. I was so surprised… shocked… dumfounded… not sure what the right word is, but I sure as hell didn’t see that sh*t coming.
For all I do, all I put up with, all I endure, all I sacrifice, I have the audacity to expect to be treated a certain way, and not below that. And the thought of doing more, of showing up, again, and being all “let’s act like this never happened” … yeah, I couldn’t do it, today. And not only could I not do it for them. I couldn’t do it for anyone.
I have swallowed so many offenses. I have kept going through so many form of disrespect, meanness, dismissiveness, and lack of consideration, that today, I chose to not care… just like everyone else has toward me, whenever it served them.
And I didn’t even do it to be petty. I am actually losing by not attending, and I’m still not going. I keep trying to talk myself into it. “Okay, I’ll go after I do this.” “Alright, I’ll just get dressed after I finish that.” And here I am sitting here, still in my pjs and the all-day event will be ending soon.
I just can’t do it. I can’t show up for them, today. I can’t pretend that all the heaviness is not present with me. I can’t pretend that I don’t remember the offenses. I can’t force myself to show up, as I’ve done so many times, because, today, my body is too aware of all I’ve put up with and I just can’t bring myself to move out that door.
And I guess today’s blog is my opportunity to make peace with that. Sometimes as…. the ones who carry certain labels in the family—the scapegoat, the f*ck up, the one who can’t get their sh*t together, the embarrassment, the big one, the dumb one, the (pick a label any label)—there comes a time when you get tired of still showing up knowing that’s the collective opinion, treatment, etc.
Today, I don’t want to, so I’m not gonna. Today, I’ll take all the “I can’t believe you didn’t show up,” and “I thought you were coming” comments and toss them in the trash can. Right now I’m deciding I don’t care.
I just want to be left alone. Having the house to myself was blissful. I cleaned, organized, mopped, and watched Bridgerton. I definitely felt the missing out energy, but I also felt really great about how peaceful it was in the house. I enjoyed watching my shows on full blast without having to turn them down for the love scenes. I enjoyed not having anyone ask me for anything. I enjoyed the bliss of a day to myself.
It sucked a bit that I had to miss something I look forward to annually in order to give myself this gift, but it worked for me. I did what I needed to do.
Sometimes we need to disappoint people to get slivers of what we want. I’ve desperately needed time to myself, and today I took it by giving up something else. People are going to be bothered, or concerned, by that and I’m letting that have nothing to do with me. These same people will act in their best interest even if it puts me in a bad position, so today I’m choosing me.
Some days you may have to look like the “bad guy” to preserve your own sanity. That was me today. I kept thinking about going and I knew that I just didn’t have it in me to fake it with people. If someone said the wrong thing to me, who knows what was going to come out of my mouth. People would want my typical energy and I don’t have it today. They were gonna neutral at best, not my bubbly, fun self.
Why be around people with that kind of energy? Might as well stay home and at least get some rest, recoop a bit, recharge.
As I sit here now, wondering if I can still go and grab some food at the event, I can’t help but think, if I show up now, somebody’s gonna want a ride home. And just like that the decision is made. I’m not going. I’ll deal with not getting anything to eat. I’ll deal with not getting to see loved ones today. I’ll deal with all who can’t believe I missed another family event. (I missed another one a few week ago.)
Look, I’m an introvert and I never get to be alone. That is draining as h*ll. Today, I took my “me time.” And thank you for reading as I processed my right to do so. I hope this gives you what you need to feel more at peace doing the same/similar, as needed.
Let me go ahead and enjoy the rest of this blissful Saturday. You have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.
Oh, and BTW, my daily podcast is on hiatus for the time being. My computer is showing signs that it is dying little by little. First the USB ports, now my mic won’t work (needed for the podcast), and yesterday my recording/editing software wouldn’t work. So…. for now I’ll share via blogs. I’ll try to do it daily, but I may just give myself a break. I clearly need it.
Anyway, … this is Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist with Share & Let’s Live! Have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.
Blessings!
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