Been sitting with myself, making sense of life in this season. I came to a conclusion about relationships that I’ve been making peace with. So I have an updated standard.
We don’t have to agree on everything to be cool. We don’t have to be alike in every way for me to value you. You can believe as you do and I believe as I do and we can be in relationship.
With that said, I many years ago dropped my sense of religious superiority that said my beliefs are right and yours are wrong and I know better than you. It’s a disgusting thought to me, now. I feel you get to believe what makes you happy and I’ll do the same. As long as our differences do not harm others, and are centered in love, I don’t care. I embrace differences and love learning from others, especially about culture.
Now, one thing that does matter to me is that we agree on our major values…. This is new for me. I used to be very “you just do you and imma do me.” But this grown version of me, that was forced to grow up a lot in November, had to raise her standards.
I’m realizing that the older I get the more my standards shift to be more values centered.
Just did a quick Google search to find the difference between morals, ethics, and values and came across this explanation…
“…morals” refer to an individual’s personal beliefs about right and wrong, ‘values’ are the core principles that guide a person’s life and actions, and ‘ethics’ are a set of established rules or standards of conduct typically enforced by a group or profession, often based on broader societal morals and values.”
Growing up in church, particularly in that domination that doesn’t leave much wiggle room for what is or isn’t “righteous,” I was very ethics driven (based on the above definition). However, the more I focus on my internal guidance system and less on what society has to say, the more I recognize that I don’t agree with a lot of societal norms.
This most recent election, along with my reevaluation of past and present relationships, has caused me to really sit back and think about what matters to me. What are my dealbreakers? What are my standards? How important is to me to be likeminded with those I keep close?
One thing about me is that I give myself permission to grow and evolve. And I allow myself to release relationships that are no longer aligned. But, I must admit, this season has been so tricky.
I’ve had to review what “unconditional love” looks like to me. I, honestly, have to ask myself if unconditional love is one of my values. I hear people say, “respect is earned.” But for me, that’s not the case. Everyone starts out with my respect and then they can lose it. I lead with respect.
The older I get, the more I give myself permission to do life in ways that make sense to me. And ease is a very important aspect of how I do life. I used to chase people to remind them of my awesomeness and beg them to be in relationship with me. Now, I let people fall off. I don’t want anyone in my life that I have to remind them that exist to ensure we stay in contact. And I know that people have their own stuff going on and various reasons for drifting. That’s fine. But that doesn’t meet my standard. They can be close with other people. Caring if I’m dead or alive is a strong boundary for me, and required for being in my inner circle.
And what I’m accepting now… what I’ve been trying to process since November 6th…. is my need for people in my inner circle to share my values. I don’t like to have to question what you will or will not do. When we share values, it eliminates questions. Being in my inner circle requires safety for me. I need to be able to trust you. I need to know that we are likeminded. That’s my boundary. Others welcome debate and want constant growth in their relationships through contrast and even conflict. I’m not like that. I love for us to grow together, and for conflict to be rare because we’re aligned. Yeah, that’s it. I value alignment.
And, I guess, what I’m realizing is that I can have unconditional love for you, but that doesn’t imply unconditional access. You can be my friend, but not my VIP. If our values are not aligned, the conflict causes me too much inner turmoil. The questions about who you are, what you believe, what you stand for, etc. challenge the stability of our relationship.
My past relationships, and situationships, left me with information to mill over. When I looked back at situations and choices and moments of hurt feelings, I had to think about and establish new boundaries. I had to accept that “this moment didn’t feel good because this thing that’s important to me was overlooked,” or violated. And the same with my friendships. I looked at the rifts that formed in some decades-long relationships and the dealbreaker moments. Then, I set new standards.
I think a lot of us just roll with what we’ve always done, and we keep finding ourselves in the same uncomfortable situations (often with the same people), constantly getting our feelings hurt, and having the same conversation over and over again. We keep going through the same turmoil, because we won’t take the time to reevaluate and set new standards. And I’m done doing that.
Not changing our standards as we grow, is like trying to put on the same pair of pants we owned when we were 6. They won’t fit and we’re gonna experience UNNECESSARY discomfort.
I don’t like not having people in my life who I’ve rocked with for decades, or through some of my best and worst times. AND I don’t like the discomfort of keeping people beyond their season. I don’t like hurting feelings, but I also don’t like getting my feelings hurt. I have to know ME. I have to do what works for ME.
You may be a person who values quantity—your day 1’s are gonna be in your life regardless of how they treat you, what they’ve done, or if y’all are even on the same page anymore, simply because they’ve been with you for decades. You’re loyal. More power to you. That’s YOUR standard.
I, on the other hand, value QUALITY. I pay attention to vibes.
I don’t care how long we’ve been cool, or even if we share DNA, if it no longer feels good to be in relationship with you, I will release you. I won’t do it suddenly (at least not on my end). I’ll process through it. I’ll try to find other solutions. I’ll probably even talk to you about what’s bothering me. I’ll try to see how I can make it work. I’ll likely even lose sleep over it.
But when I hit that point where I can’t find a way to keep you AND my peace, my peace is gonna win. And I will miss what we had (the good parts), AND I will still move on. I value my peace.
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, and sometimes a lifetime. If it’s for a reason or season, my work is to bless the time we had and let you go. Holding on only poisons what we have. And I’m not gonna do that.
I’ll release you while I still love you. Because if I’m honest with myself, my daughter is the only person I truly love unconditionally. Anyone else is capable of doing/saying something to make that love dry right up.
I guess I’m sharing this because as I’m processing through my own evolving standards for relationships, maybe you need to consider if your standards could use some tweaks. The most important thing is that you do it for you, based on YOUR priorities, nobody else’s.
Anywho, wishing you the best as you continue on your journey. I hope you will continue to join me on mine.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Learn more about me at mdillondesigns.com/ and find more posts and empowerment at mdillondesigns.com/blog 🥰
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