I realized over the last few days that part of what’s been heavy for me is that I am trying to force what doesn’t fit. I’ve been holding on to relationships that no longer feel good. I’ve been viewing myself through the eyes of others and their priorities, rather than my own. I’ve been ignoring the tools I have that I know work for me, because they aren’t what “everybody else is doing.” A huge part of my heaviness is in going against what makes sense for me…. due to guilt and shame I’ve carried (that has been placed on me by others) about doing it my way.
I remember Jim Carey once said something about depression that resonates with me, now. “Depression only happens when you don’t accept what is and when you’re playing a character in life.”
Granted there are dietary reasons, and chemical imbalance reasons, and life circumstance challenges reasons for what’s been going on with me. But as I look at what the ruminating thoughts are—what’s been pissing me off and aching in my soul and making me cry the last few days/week(s), it’s essentially what he said…
I am not accepting what is, because it hurts. There are people in my life that I love, and I want them in my life. AND I realize that the only way to keep them in my life is to ignore the things about them that are no longer acceptable. And I can’t do it.
I am a person who sees the good in everybody…. until I don’t. I keep people around waaay too long, because I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. I say, “Yes,” to relationships because “who am I turn someone away?” And then I pay for it. I ignore my gut because I was trained…conditioned… to be nice.
I have tripped over my boundaries so many times trying to keep from hurting someone else’s feelings, while my feelings are being hurt by remaining in relationship with them. I have taken people back into my life—”because they need me”—when they have shown me over and over that they don’t deserve me. I have been hurt, betrayed, and abandoned by the same people over and over because I thought “this time will be different.” I have kept people around when I can clearly see that we are not aligned, because we have beautiful history and I don’t want to let that go.
What I realize is that he’s right. Not accepting what is…. that their time is up in my life…. is what’s bringing me the most pain in this season. I keep coming close to the “I think it’s over for us” and then I hear their words shaming me for letting my boundaries come between us.
Of course no one is saying, “You’re a bad person if you leave me.” It’s more like “I don’t have anybody. You’re the only one who checks on me. I need you.” OR “Only petty, immature people let politics come between family.” OR “I was there for you at your lowest,” which implies I’d be wrong to walk away when they are in a state that is unhealthy for me.
I’m sharing this in part because I use my blog to vent and heal myself 😆 and because maybe you need to hear this, too.
I’ve been thinking about what my theme for this year is. And as much as my mind wants to say, “Just get through it,” I’d rather it feel better than that. Honestly, I’ve dragged myself through the last… damn…. 6 years. (I thought it was gonna be like 4.) I was already just surviving in 2019 so the pandemic took me to below sea level.
But without going down that road…. I’m just saying that this year I want to enjoy my life. I want to smile more. I want to be lighter. I want to care less about things and people who don’t prioritize/contribute to my peace. I want to care less about how y’all do it and do it how I do it. I want to be more at peace with myself. I want to continue the work of loving myself, accepting myself, extending compassion to myself.
I want to get to the place of trusting myself….
It’s crazy because people have reached out to me (no you’re not the only one) about getting together and seeing each other in person. And I want that. AND I struggle with that. I deal with social anxiety. I have fears around acceptance and concerns around my ability to do things like meet for coffee, lunch, drinks. I have anxiety and trauma and it’s so much easier to blow those things off. But I’m tired of watching people leave this earth and I didn’t get to spend more time with them. So… I’ll be working on self-trust this year, in regard to things like this. Believing I am capable to do peopling in small doses and have it be a great experience. So if you’ve reached out please be patient with me and realize that I will not initiate or follow up. 😆 Just outing myself from now. If you want to see me, just know the showing up part is where my energy is going. 😅
Anyway… oh the other part of the quote. You know #ADHDbelike…
So this is the part I really want to focus on. I have made authenticity my focus for the last few years. It is work/effort for me because I was raised in a system of either be perfect or look like it. It is effort to be my true self and feel no guilt/shame about it.
Last year, I became very comfortable with showing up authentically in numerous ways. I began saying, “No,” unapologetically, toward the last quarter of the year. Super proud of myself for that. Unapologetically doesn’t mean I didn’t feel bad about it afterward. It just meant I didn’t change my stance (most of the time). I will keep working on that this year.
I want to be less of a character in my life…. Better yet, I want to stop placing my primary focusing on being a supporting character in everyone else’s story and step into my truth as the main “character” in my own. This will take some work, but I feel like this is a major part of what I need to focus on this year. Because when I am so focused on showing up as expected, I’m not showing up fully as myself or authentically.
I want to give more of me to me this year. I intend to stop living off the crumbs. That way women are conditioned to believe “I’m happy as long as I make you all happy.” Yeah f*ck that. I’ve done that my whole f*cking life. And I’m sooo over it.
This year my mantra is: “I’m happy as long as I make myself happy. Y’all are responsible for your own happiness.”
Thanks for reading all this. I hope this was helpful for you…. or provided some insight… or helped you to know I ain’t planning sh*t if you invite me to come out. 😆
I’m releasing who needs to be released. I’m focusing on who deserves my focus. I’m healing the parts of me that are still injured. I’m doing more of the things that I think about doing before I go off and do something for someone else.
This is my ME year. I plan to get good at being selfish…. and I plan to stop feeling that ugh in the pit of my stomach when I say it. Gonna create a new habit of caring how I feel about things, not just what others think and how they feel.
Gonna start giving people the access they deserve. Going to start giving people the effort they demonstrate. Going to give my energy where I get it back. Going to be better to me.
I hope you’ll choose to be better to you. And to recognize and not overplay your role in people’s lives this year. I hope you’ll have the courage to call people out/release people who think they’re getting over on you. I hope you’ll love yourself more, trust yourself more, and meet yourself with the same (or more) compassion that you freely give to everyone else.
I hope you’ll make this your YOU year and not feel bad about it.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
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