Release Revolving Door Relationships, Pt. 2

I was speaking with someone I care about earlier and they asked me if I was ever going to speak to a mutual loved one again. And my response was essentially a shoulder shrug.

They went on to tell me how they feel bad that I stopped speaking to the person, and that they last time they spoke to them, this loved one said that they missed me. I bet they do. I remember their qualities, too. That doesn’t mean they get to be back in my life, though.

I heard about their conversation back when it happened, and how they went on to say how I am so uplifting, how I pour into them, and how we’ve had such a great relationship. And that’s what came back to me as we were having the conversation, today. They value what I bring to the relationship, just not enough….

I am a loving person. I meet people with good energy, and good vibes, from jump (meaning, from when I first meet them, lol). I am kind, I’m supportive, I’m fun from the beginning. AND when I start to see that the other person is insincere, has questionable loyalties, is inconsistently kind (for example, kind when you say “yes” to them, unkind when you say, “no”), is manipulative, etc., I start to watch their behavior keenly and begin to pull away. And if a person flat out betrays my trust, I leave them alone. And this person has done that MULTIPLE times.

The thing is that it took me a while to recognize that I am a valuable person. Even now, saying that feels weird. It still feels conceited to acknowledge my good traits. AND the reality is that I am a good person. I am a great friend. I am an encourager. I am going to listen and support you. I am going to speak life into you. I am going to believe in your dreams with you. And I’m going to be honest with you, when that’s what’s needed. I’m going to research options and opportunities for you, if that’s what you need. I’m going to connect you to resources, if that’s what you need. That’s just who I am in relationships.

So when this person decided to betray me—not once, not twice, but at least 3 times—I decided, I deserve better. I have been open with this person in the past, each time. I’ve let them know that they’ve shown me I cannot trust them. I made it clear how I feel about people who are “hot” and “cold.” Either you’re for me or against me. If I have to confront a person multiple times, for the same offense, and they swear it’ll never happen again, only for us to end up in the same situation, I know they don’t value my presence in their life. So I will relieve them of my presence.

The first few times, I’ll address the issue and if we have an understanding, we’ll continue our relationship. And I’ll allow them to rebuild our trust by being who they promised they’d be. If they show true remorse, and gives me a good enough, “I’ve learned my lesson” speech, I typically will give them another chance. However, they have lost 50% of my trust. Depending on their behavior, my trust my begin to expand. However, if we find ourselves back in a similar situation—remember the trust is already fractured—so now it’s even worse. Now, my trust is now at 0%, and it’s a long road ’til I trust that person again, but over time and consistency, I let it grow.

And I admittedly give people way too many chances… (or at least I used to because this person is teaching me a lot about human nature). The reason I give people the “benefit of the doubt” is because I know me. And once I’m done with a person, I’m D-O-N-E. There is no redemption. (I’m a true Aquarius on this. 😆) I don’t like to let people I care about enter that realm of no return because I don’t like to hurt people, and, honestly, it hurts me, too. If they earned it, though, there’s no redemption. And that’s their fault. I don’t even hate them. I just won’t f*ck with them anymore.

And unfortunately this loved one has entered that realm. Not only did they betray me, AGAIN. They did it within one minute of promising that they wouldn’t!

So yeah, I’m D-O-N-E. And they can go on saying how they miss me. They should. I’m kinda awesome, but they took that for granted. They made a choice. We’ve been here before. I’ve already shown them that the consequence of not valuing my presence, is to experience my absence.

The consequence of not valuing my presence, is to experience my absence. —Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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And this is the reason I wanted to share this, today. Learn to value your presence. Sit back and look at what you bring to your relationships.

Far too often we only focus on what we don’t have, where we are at a deficit, and how others pour into our lives. But it’s important to not just look at where we fall short, but to put that one flaw to the side that makes us feel unworthy, and look at ALL the other things we bring to the relationship.

Like for me, I was always the broke friend. So I felt like everyone in my life was doing me a favor by being my friend, partner, etc. Because I couldn’t pay the tab, buy my ticket, spring for gas money, I felt like a burden and like I had nothing to contribute. But then, I was blessed with a life lesson.

A narcissist, who I thought was a friend, entered my life. I showed them the full me, the real me, early because they seemed to welcome all of me. They made me feel so special and loved and accepted, and I gave them 100% of my trust. I was all those good qualities I named earlier, plus naive. I gave it all. I even told them my social security number. I mean, all. I gave them full access. And they took full advantage.

It was actually right after I gave them that number that I started to worry. I was acting foolishly. I started to wonder if I had made a mistake. And I started to pay attention to who and how they behave.

It was like if someone is wearing a wig and you notice a little bit of the lace lifting up at their hairline. If you always thought it was their real hair, it makes you start to pay attention. …that’s kinda how it was.

I started to notice little things…. It started with how they treated others… I started noticing little things they did toward them that made me say, “That was a little manipulative.” Then, I noticed how their availability toward me started to wane. At first, the door was open at all times, any day. They were grateful to support and listen and encourage. Soon they were saying that my presence was draining. (Yeah… that definitely hurt. I think you’re the first one I’ve told.) After a little while, they’d barely answer my calls or texts, or even return my calls. Coming over to visit was out the question because they were suddenly so busy. I kept trying to connect, not catching the hint….

Then, I sat back and noticed the timeline. After they had full access to me, and got what they wanted, that’s when their behavior changed. I remembered that I saw them do the same to others. That’s when I realized it was their pattern. Love bomb, gain the person’s full loyalty and dedication, get what they want, then discard the person. Standard narcissist script.

I felt hurt and stupid, since I’d been through an intimate relationship with a narcissist before. Since it was a friendship, I kinda missed the telltale signs. But once I saw it, I was done. I stopped engaging and never heard from them again. That’s when I knew for sure that I had assessed things correctly. They had gotten what they needed so I was disposable.

Although I recognized the narcissistic pattern, I was still so confused on why they chose me of all people. I believed I had nothing to offer. As was sharing this in a Messenger chat with a dear friend. I told her that I couldn’t figure out why they chose to do this to me, and began forming a list….

It went something like this… “I don’t know why they would do this to me. I mean, yeah, I have an established business, but that’s nothing. And I guess I have published a book… well, several, but that’s nothing. And I guess I do have a degree… or two… but that’s….” And as I went on and on, I created one hell of a list, and I said to my friend, “Oh my gawd! I’m kinda the sh*t!” 😆 I was so sincere because I had NO idea, until that moment, that I had anything to offer. And my sweet friend responded, “Not ‘kinda.'” 😍

It was in that moment that I realized that all this time I HAD NO IDEA how much I bring to my relationships. I was so busy feeling bad about what I didn’t have to offer. I was so focused on my insecurities, and anxiety, and neurodivergent challenges, and money struggles….

I had placed my WHOLE sense of value on what I wasn’t bringing. And I COMPLETELY IGNORED what I was bringing. I put up with everything because I felt like people were doing me a favor.

I showed up to my relationships feeling grateful that people wanted to give me some of their time. I brought my old childhood wounds to my relationships. The eagerness that someone wanted me around, that someone saw me as valuable, that someone cared to listen to my stories.

What I never considered was why they wanted me around, why they saw me as valuable, and why they were listening to my stories. If I had paid attention to how they treated the others in their life, I would’ve seen that they chronically used people, that they were very good at identifying the right people to get close to, and that there was no one in their life that they weren’t using in one way or another.

And there’s nothing wrong with being in relationships where you gain from the person or they gain from you. Give and take is a part of relationships. However, one of the ways that you know it’s time to start assessing a relationship is when it starts to feel bad. When what you most appreciated about the person begins to change. When you realize that you are the only one giving. When the thing that caused an issue between you before has returned….

There are some relationships that feel “right,” because of the story, but they don’t feel good. Maybe you’ve been cool for a really long time, but when they call you, you roll your eyes, and don’t even want to answer. Maybe they only resurface when they want advice, or a place to stay, or money. Maybe they are from a time in your life that you’ve outgrown, and they haven’t grown at all. And whenever they are back in your life, you feel pulled toward returning to a lifestyle that is not “you” anymore.

These are the relationships I’m talking about.

Revolving door relationships are the ones where you know you’ve been here before. You already know what it’s going to be. You hold out hope for it to be different, OR you forget about the bad parts because you’re so happy to reconnect. But eventually they show you they are the same person that you were okay leaving behind….

In this new season of my life, I’m done with revolving door relationships. Just because I remember our good times in the past, does not mean that person needs to be in my present. If I’ve gone through heartbreak with you multiple times, why am I allowing you back into my life?

At this point in my life, I’m trusting the statistics. I’m trusting people’s track records. I’m trusting what I’ve been through. That narcissist “friend” only screwed me over once, but they did it so well that they’ll never be in my life again. The loved one that I mentioned at the beginning, they screwed me over multiple times. So they got their chances. I’m D-O-N-E. They can miss me all they want. And they should. I brought a lot to the relationship… once I thought about it.

And you bring a lot to your relationships. They wouldn’t want you around, if you didn’t. Start thinking about what they are gaining from being connected to you. Begin to value your own presence more.

If a person has shown you multiple times that they can love you and screw you over, why give them another chance? Just because they are currently behaving and promising doesn’t mean anything. Haven’t they done that before? And what was the eventual outcome? When people change for real, it’s obvious and it endures. Give them time to prove it… or disprove it. Or just save yourself from going through the same thing again.

I used to revisit relationships all the time. I’d miss them and spark it back up… friendships and intimate relationships. But just like watching reruns of my favorite sitcom, eventually we’d revisit that same old conflict. I finally learned that it’s just gonna repeat. So I’m done.

Just like the late Dr. Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Some people don’t even deserve a second chance. And if you have already given them one—or a third, a fourth, and a fifth—don’t play yourself, again. You already know where it’s going. Step away from the revolving door.

Hope this helps.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist