Being me is often such a delicate dance of navigating who I was and who I now am. I was for so long one person in the day and another in the night. One person in public and another in private. One person in front of those who know me from one world, and another person for the people who knew me differently.
This is the life of a PK (preacher’s kid). And maybe the life of others whose parents’ public personas are impacted by every choice you make—from what you say, to what you do, to who you do it with. It’s hard to come into your own person under those kinds of pressure, yet, here we are…
Last night (well, technically this morning), I had a dream that I was attending an event with one of my mentors and past school friends. This was originally a fun time with family, but as I looked around I kept seeing people from high school .People who I no longer speak to (although there’s’ no beef)—just people I haven’t seen since graduation. One by one, they began to say hello and then express to me that my recent post (a video excerpt from a podcast) offended my former teacher, who supportively shared the video without first listening to it. She was appalled to find that I was cussing in the video… a lot. Everyone in the dream was encouraging me to go and apologize to her and I was avoiding her because I still needed to decide how I felt, how I was going to address her, and if I felt an apology was necessary or honoring to my right to post whatever I want because I am GROWN.
So I found myself (in the dream) in a pretty heated conversation with a former classmate, who also pursued a therapy path, and holds a degree in counseling as I do. She was berating for my decision to post a video where I am speaking so freely. She’s expressed how unnecessary my language was and that she would be put off by a therapist who speaks as I do, and essentially called me unprofessional.
Our conversation went from a pleasant exchange of opposing viewpoints to a full on heated argument. The more I countered her opinions about my decision to show up authentically, the more I developed strength about my right to choose to speak as I wish, and my appreciation for how my choice to express myself freely weeds out potential clients I would not enjoy working with. As I debated with her, with my mentor (former teacher) sitting just feet away from the argument, I felt very clear that I have every right to speak freely on my own platform and that I have no desire to work with clients where I have to mute myself. (In the dream I was referring to taking on counseling /coaching clients.)
And it made me think, both in the dream and now in my waking, how I am committed to living my life with increasing authenticity. I will likely always be respectful toward my elders and not cuss around them. I will likely always exhibit some level of restraint and reverence in religious spaces. AND when I’m doing my own thing, I’m gonna be unapologetically me.
I cuss in my posts. I cuss A LOT on my podcasts. I don’t cuss to cuss. I cuss because that’s how I talk. There are many podcasts where I don’t say a single one. There are some where I didn’t know that it was possible to put that many in one sentence. It’s not planned. It just is.
And it’s not like an addiction. I automatically don’t cuss in front of my parents. It’s so weird that once I see them, the vocabulary just changes. A friend once asked me (when my daughter was little) how it’s possible that I don’t cuss in front of her. I made a decision when she started to repeat words that I just wouldn’t, and it wasn’t until she was much older that I got freer speaking around her.
I have control over it. I’m not cussing while I speak at schools, libraries, or churches. I’m still old school in my beliefs about using profanity on the job. I think it’s unprofessional. However, if I am hosting a grown and sexy event, like with my brand Eggplant Goddess. I will speak as freely as I want. The environment is different. The same goes for my podcasts.
My podcasts are where I first got free. I felt weary of holding back and just wanted to be one person. I was tired of using euphemisms when I was trying to get my point across, so finally I listened to the many FB friends who told me to go ahead and cuss. It started tame, then it was full blown, “this is just how I talk.” And although I do it with ease, now, occasionally that old guilt kicks in and I change a word last minute. But I usually will out myself immediately and say it the way I thought it.
Anyway, back to the dream….
I realize now how important it is that I rebrand myself. It’s not something I have to do, but something that will bring me more peace.
As I was scrolling through my IG posts yesterday, I came across a video where I’m cussing pretty freely. I believe when I posted it originally that I didn’t mention that I cuss in it. I found myself wondering if it was necessary, or if I was being apologetic about being free. Each time I see the meme for it, I feel apprehensive because I’d hate for someone to be blindsided by it, and to press play in company of children, elders, etc.
I believe this is the video that my dream was centered around, and it causes me to accept that for my own peace, I need to use more words as I transition from G-rated to “who knows what she’ll post?”
It may be a simple sentence of “FYI I cuss so wait ’til the kids and elders aren’t around.” Or it may be a simple “⚠️ Explicit” here or there. I just need to let it be okay for myself to do that for a while, without feeling bad about it.
You know the inner critic is such a b*tch. For me, she’ll encourage me to feel bad on both ends. If I post it without a warning caption, the inner dialogue is “Wow. It would be terrible if someone started playing that, singing your praises as the ‘empowerment specialist’ and then they hear all that cussing.” And then when I do place the caption, the inner critique is “Wow. You’re grown. Why do you still feel that’s necessary? Grow up already.” 🙄
So while I make peace within, I’ll continue to transition with little warnings until it doesn’t feel necessary anymore. The dream helped me to accept that it honestly would bother me to offend someone I care about because they blindly assumed that what I post now is likely my G-rated posts before. I still hold the same intentions and my posts are primarily inspiring, uplifting, supportive, encouraging and empowering. I just do it my way. And I’m choosing to allow myself to inform/warn listeners/readers of my word choice unapologetically.
I must say, I am so grateful to my FB friends, who have encouraged me, and accepted me, and told me it was okay to tell it like it is, and to cuss if I need to cuss. They helped me to feel safe to be free and be myself. Sometimes because of the belief systems we grew up in, we need to be reminded that we get to be ourselves. I needed that feedback to remind me that I’m grown and don’t need to give a f*ck what anyone thinks about it.
And that’s what I’ve done. I began to post freely and little by little I got REAL free. AND this dream helped me accept that maybe there’s a part of me that still needs a bridge. Maybe there’s a part of me that still needs to say this is me now.
I feel like being here has helped me to better understand the necessity of people officially “coming out” to a relative or other loved one. I used to be so, “Just live your life. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or conversation.” But now I kinda get it that although you don’t owe anyone an apology for being who you are, sometimes it just feels right to have a conversation. It’s an opportunity to offer them your hand as they cross the bridge from the past to the present. I get that now.
I still think it’s an individual choice. It doesn’t have to happen. I could wake up, pivot, and say, “This is who I am now. Deal with it.” It just feels more right for me to offer my version of a bridge.
I’ve made a choice today that for the rest of my life I’m doing me authentically. And whether that shows up in how I talk, or what I talk about, I’m choosing to do it unapologetically. I will offer little captions and such as a courtesy for as long as that feels right for me. But I’ll be speaking freely.
I’m done hiding. I’m done pretending. I’m done being two people… better yet, I’m done being a different person with everybody. I just want to be whole… all of me… all the time. And today I am deciding that for the rest of my life I’m choosing me, even if that means I get rejected by you.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. And I’m choosing to do it without comparing myself to you, and your journey, while loving and embracing my own. I’ll stay in my lane and let you stay in yours.
Well… that’s all I’ve got. Just felt led to share that with you. I hope it resonates.
If you need to have a public declaration, do it. If you need to have some side conversations, do it. If you just decide to show up authentically, and if people have an issue they can “say it to your face,” or keep it to themselves, that’s great too.
Do what brings you more peace and do it on your own terms. And make peace with the reality that not everyone will agree or understand. That can be scary. So take your time and fully embrace YOU first. Recognize and accept the possible consequences. Once you’ve embraced your truth, other people’s feelings about it won’t matter as much.
Sending you much love.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 