So I haven’t been the most quiet about my intentions to get ready to be ready to be in a relationship again. I’ve done the single mom thing for over a decade and she’s now old enough she doesn’t need my hovering presence… not to mention I miss having a companion (and celibacy ain’t that fun either, lol).
So I’m up early (because I went to bed early) and I started cleaning and organizing. While moving things around the thought of me dating crossed my mind and I immediately started listing reasons why I’m not desirable. It honestly shocked me because although I probably do it all the time, this time I heard myself doing it.
The thought sounded kinda like, “How could I ever date someone? Look at this mess. I could never bring them here.” And another self-deprecating thought quickly followed. The cool thing, though, is that (maybe because I just woke up) I was in my power when it happened. So I quickly did a pivot, and was like, “Ummm… first of all, I’m literally cleaning up right now. Second of all, who says I have to invite someone into my space? That’s not even safe. Third of all, I’m awesome. Let me start the list….” And that’s when I decided to pause the cleaning, sit down, and write this blog post.
How often do we talk ourselves out of things by listing all our shortcomings? How many times have you seen someone less qualified than you doing the thing you want to be doing, simply because they have more confidence?
I’m realizing that their internal conversations are probably a bit different. Rather than talk themselves out of possibilities, they are likely talking themselves into them.
What if instead of focusing on all the reasons that I’m not qualified for what I want, I didn’t entertain those thoughts? What if I created a new habit of listing all my good qualities, all my worthy qualities, all that’s “right” about me?
What if I focused more on what I love about myself, and what others love about me? What if I focused on what I’m good at and what I’m great at? What if I remembered everything I’ve done right?
What if I focused on all the times I felt proud of myself? What if I focused on all the times others said they were proud of me? What if I remember all the times I showed up, showed out, did my thing, and really showed what I’m made of?
What if I celebrate myself more than I criticize myself? What if each time I find myself having a critical thought, I choose to remind myself of three reasons to celebrate myself?
And it’s not about ignoring the things I need to work on. It’s about becoming my cheerleader instead of my hater. And maybe that’s something you can do more of as well.
We tend to be sooo critical of ourselves. We tend to speak so negatively too, and about, ourselves. We tend to notice every mistake and poor choice, and we ruminate on that stuff. But when we do something right, we may celebrate for 5 minutes and then we move on.
Let’s start remembering what we did right. Let’s start milking those moments and ruminating on them. Let’s start reminding ourselves why we are worthy, deserving, amazing and full of good stuff.
We are so phenomenal in so many ways, but we’ve picked up the habits of others and started be critical of ourselves. Maybe we had a parent, or sibling, or teacher… a grandparent, a classmate, a boss… someone in our experience who didn’t see our awesomeness. As a defense mechanism, we began to notice our shortcomings in advance so that we could either fix it before they said something, or so we could brace ourselves so the impact of their words wouldn’t hurt so much.
Over time, we got really good at noticing our shortcomings, and we forgot that our intention was to protect ourselves from the external criticism. Instead we became really great at internal criticism….
Well… now, we know better. We don’t have do that anymore. We can choose to focus more on our positive qualities. We can notice when we get things right and make a big deal of it. We don’t have to throw a party every time we do the right thing. But we can have an internal celebration. We can take the time to note it. We can tell ourselves, “Good job,” “I’m proud of you,” and “We did that sh*t!” We can make a new habit of downplaying our shortcomings while paying intentional attention to what we do right. We can begin to see ourselves all the reasons we are worthy of the great things we desire.
So the next time you catch yourself noting your shortcomings, remember to make note of more reasons why you’re amazing. It may take effort and practice, but that’s how all habits are formed. We can do it.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
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