Some people think I’m calloused because of how easily I seem to let relationships go. The truth is that it hurts me, too.

I’ve seen many close relationships come to an end for one reason or another. Because I am a private person, people rarely know the full story. They just know one minute we were close and had been friends for years, and then we were no longer speaking. I don’t feel it’s necessary to let people in to those aspects of my life, unless it directly impacts them.

I don’t discard relationships without just cause. I notice changes, I sit back and observe, I give people room and don’t initially assume that whatever they are going through has anything to do with me. I check on them, I communicate when things feel off for too long, and then if the relationship causes me more turmoil than peace, or just feels complete, I let it go.

I value my peace. I no longer hold on to things that make me feel bad. It doesn’t matter how close we were, or how long we were cool. If it causes me emotional and psychological distress, I let it go.

I can honor the good times. I can respect the memories. And I can acknowledge that season is now over and let it blow in the wind.

A lot of people feel a sense of guilt or disloyalty for releasing long time relationships. But I strongly believe that relationships are for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. NOT ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE FOR A LIFETIME. That’s a hard truth. But accepting it can bring so much peace.

We see it sometimes with athletes, performers, and even pastors, who stay in the game too long. They have an amazing career, full of accolades and successes, but when their performance begins to decline they don’t exit. They stick it out until it poisons their legacy.

I don’t need to have a knockdown drag out fight with a friend to know our relationship has run its course. If we no longer can agree, or agree to disagree; when we no longer have anything in common, when we’ve hurt each other and refuse to apologize or do better, it’s time to let it go.

I no longer hold on to what hurts me. I prefer to let go when the season of peace, love and joy has ended. My life has enough challenges. I don’t need constant unrest in my relationships, too. I walk away while I can still respect you….

Sometimes people we were cool with forever show us a side to them that makes it impossible to get the relationship back. For me, those are times when I look at our journey and think, “We had a good run, but this can’t be repaired.” I recognize that what I thought was a lifetime relationship, was actually for a season—or reason. And I decide to let it go. I don’t even always have a conversation with the other person. I just make that decision within myself and stop reaching out. Typically, I’m the one who initiates contact anyway so as I back away, the relationship just dissipates. And I’ve had some where we had that uncomfortable chat and I let them know that I am committed to peace and resolution, and if they’re committed to an argument, we have nothing more to discuss. And then I let them go.

Trust me, I know it’s hard when you think people have a lifetime membership, but they do something so unexpected and hurtful that you can never view them the same. I’ve been there far too many times. It hurts me when I let people go. But sometimes it hurts more to hold on. I love myself too much to do that anymore. Gotta let them drift in the wind. And eventually, I can think of the good times, without focusing on the hurt. I can think of them and smile at the memories, and send them thoughts of love.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

If you are in close relationship with me, you know that I have a bazillion rules. I’m still learning how to hold boundaries for myself and because of that I am very upfront about what I do and what I don’t. (For example, “I don’t talk on the phone so never call me unless you’re on fire and I’m the closest person to you with water.” I hate talking on the phone. It’s such a time waster. I can text all day and still get work done, but I can’t multitask while on the phone. So I hate it when people call me, unless it’s important. But I digress….)

The people who make it into my very tiny inner circle are those who accept my rules without making me feel bad for having them. They respect my boundaries and appreciate me for who I am.

The awesome thing about being human is that not everyone will respect our boundaries. Yes, that’s sarcasm. I absolutely hate that fact. Especially family. They want what they want when they want it.

I learned early in life that it’s my job to do what people want me to if I want to avoid their negative energy and unpleasant emotional responses. I learned to be keen to their shifts in tone, facial expressions, and to feel obligated to change my behavior to restore them to a place of peace and joy. Regardless of how I was impacted, it was my job to make those around me happy, and keep them that way. If they were upset, it was my fault and I needed to fix it.

To this day, I am triggered (I know it’s an overused term but just flow with me) by the potential to upset somebody. I hold in my memory each time that I reacted, responded, and behaved other than they desired and how it affected their behavior. Not only do I hold in memory all of their moments, but of just about everyone I’ve interacted with as far back as I can remember. (I think this is the risk that we take by teaching our children that it’s their job to keep us happy, by using fear of punishment as our main parenting tool. But, again, I digress….)

I realized this morning that as a parent and in just about every other relationship I do all I can to keep everyone (except myself) happy. I wake up and hope my door is locked so that I can spend time in peace meditating before I allow the demands and requests into my space. I know that once I start entertaining the needs of others that I will push my own needs to the background. I am trying to stop doing that.

This morning I was awakened by an immediate request. I didn’t lock my door last night. And I was pissed, because: 1) I wake up naturally when my body feels rested. No one is supposed to wake me up unless it’s an emergency. 2) No one is supposed to speak to me before I talk to “God.” I meditate before I interact with anyone. It’s how I get to ensure my day starts with the right energy.

Within me I felt I was getting increasingly upset about how my rules hadn’t been followed, and I was certain this was going to tank my day. But somewhere within me I also felt a part of me telling me I had a choice. I didn’t have to let this tank my day. I could choose to maintain control of my emotions. I could choose to not let this external experience control my internal response.

It was then that the words “hold my peace” came to me. And for the first time, I heard those words differently. Being raised in church, I have heard “If I hold my peace and let the Lord fight my battles, victory shall be mine.” Maybe it’s a Scripture or a song, I just know I’ve heard it all my life.

I always viewed holding my peace as shutting my mouth—not saying something out of order when I got the opportunity. Like at a wedding when they say, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” I assumed it meant to shut up, when you really felt like saying something.

However, as those words came to me this morning, I heard it differently. I pictured my peace as a physical thing I can hold. Something fragile that if I didn’t hold it properly it could be knocked from my hands. I saw it as something important that I did not want to let hit the ground, something I needed to grip tightly.

I decided this morning to look at my peace this way from now on. To stop letting it be potentially “knocked out of my hands” by every human interaction. I have to grip my peace tightly and realize that it’s in my hands… and no one else’s. It’s my job to hold on to it. It’s my job to protect it. I get to maintain control of it, regardless of what happens around me. I get to choose how I respond, how I react, and how I let events impact me.

So does that mean I won’t still be triggered by things? No. But now I don’t have to follow the default setting and get upset. I can choose in the moment how I want to respond. I can ask myself, “How do I want to feel right now?,” and choose to feel that way. I can hold my peace regardless.

This is a new step of maturity for me. Needing everyone to follow all my rules in order to maintain my peace is exhausting. It puts my emotions outside of my control which daily seats me on an emotional rollercoaster.

Today, I decided to create a new habit. One moment, one decision at a time, I get to choose to hold on to my peace. Despite my previous habits of response, and the temptation to react, I choose to hold my peace like a newborn baby and not let anything get to it.

This is new for me and I know I won’t do it perfectly, but I am committed to creating a new habit. And I’m just going to use this simple question, “How do I want to feel right now?”

In the past, I used that question to get out of my head and out of emotions that weren’t serving me. I believe that all our emotions are important. However, I see them more like traffic signs than destinations. I’m not really big on sitting in them, although there is value in doing that intentionally, especially with the proper supports in place. I prefer to take a step back and notice the emotion I am experiencing. For example, “I am feeling angry so that means in some way one of my boundaries has been violated.” From there I can journal or meditate on how I want to respond to that awareness. And I get to go right back to, “How do I want to feel right now?” Then, I get to choose something I can do, or think about, that makes me feel that way. Maybe I can reminisce on a pleasant memory, go for a walk, or watch my favorite scene in my favorite movie. I can play my favorite song, do a five minute Google search of baby goats, whatever will make me feel the way I CHOOSE to feel. It’s really up to me. And it’s up to you.

We don’t have to let unpleasant external circumstances dictate how we feel. We can choose to hold our peace….

I hope that this helps you in some way. Our emotions have purpose but they don’t have to control our lives. I am learning how to be more at ease in my life, because I’ve been “high strung” for a really long time. I am prone to anxiety and frustration. And it’s exhausting! I’m over being on an emotional rollercoaster. I want to maintain more balance, and feel good most of the time. I realize that I have to be intentional about that. I believe the key to this is learning to hold my peace.

Setting boundaries is important, and maintaining those boundaries is also important. And we get to choose how we respond to life when our boundaries are crossed, and when life circumstances are not ideal. We get to ask ourselves at any given moment, “How do I want to feel right now?” And then we get to choose to behave or think in ways that help us feel that way.

We don’t have to be on an emotional roller coaster throughout our day. We can choose to hold our peace.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Thanks so much for reading and for your support. Please share.

Let me be honest. Sharing my spiritual, metaphysical, and weird “woo woo” practices is uncomfortable. I’m not above fearing opinions and judgment—although I’m getting there. I am at a point in my life where I’m going to do what I feel led to do anyway. I am coming to accept that I am only as effective as I’m willing to be vulnerable.

With that said, I am letting you know that I am beginning to share more about my personal experiences and “spiritual” practices. I will share just about anything that I believe can be of value to you.

Today, I had an inner conversation with my “higher knowing” and I want to share it with you. I feel that it can potentially be helpful to someone who deals with the same struggles of focus that I deal with. So here it goes….

“

My mind is sharing many thoughts at once, and it’s causing me to feel confused about what to do next.

Do you think that’s the mind’s intention?

Well, yes. It likes to confuse me so I give up and don’t get any work done.

Is that so?

Well, that’s how it feels.

So what if your mind is working (trying to work) with you and it’s doing its best?

And that’s just the way it works and it needs me to work with it?

Yes. What if (that’s the case)?

So I can stop looking at my mind as trying to torture me and keep me from destiny?

Yes. Your mind is not your enemy. It’s trying. Needs training and understanding. You have to work with your mind. Figure out how it works and help it (help you) work for you.

Oh ok.

So what do you know about your mind?

I know that it spits out a whole lot of information at once (and it gets confusing for me). 

So what do you think you can do with that information?

I can write it all down and organize it.

Yes. This may be a step that you make a regular part of your life, your day, your moments. It may seem unfair because other people don’t have to do this, but it will serve you well to just add it and make it a regular thing because you know your mind is going to do this several times throughout your day. Don’t fight it. Work with it. It will serve you. Just try it for a day…. like TODAY. 

Okay. 

How long do you think it will take?

Maybe 5 minutes. 

So you take 5 minutes at the beginning of a task and get your thoughts out and maybe another 10 to organize them. This is a scheduled part of your day so your thoughts won’t keep interrupting, attempting to remind you of the thing it doesn’t want you to forget or address. Now, you get to deal with it, plan for it, and you don’t have to sit trying to work while that part of your brain keeps shouting instructions and reminders at you. You get to work uninterrupted (as you prefer) because you already addressed it, scheduled it, planned to deal with it. It’s part of your day plan so your brain doesn’t have to be on constant alert warning you, for fear you’ll forget. You’re helping your brain help you. 

So don’t fight it. Work with it and you’ll get far more done.

One more question… How much work do you get done when you ignore that part and it keeps coming back shouting warnings and plans and responsibilities at you?

Not much. It’s hard. I get so frustrated that I eventually just quit and go do something else, like get on social media, play a game, or watch a movie. I try to get back to it, but I’m so emotionally and mentally drained that I don’t. 

So… before you ask…. I see that this will be a far more efficient way to handle my day. It may take an extra 5 to 15 minutes at the beginning, but at that time I still have motivation and that will give me the momentum to keep going. If I don’t do it, however, I will find myself struggling through my day and frustrated. I don’t want to be frustrated. I don’t want to feel discouraged anymore. I want to be productive and feel good, like I’m making progress. 

And you can by simply letting me be a part of your day, and by taking the time to “brain dump” early. 

Can we find another name for that? It’s gross. And if I share this, how do I explain this conversation?

Call it a “Pause and Listen.” And tell them it’s a conversation with your higher knowing. They all have it. Most don’t take the time to listen.”

So there you have it. If you happen to deal with these same struggles as I do, consider trying this practice as a part of your day. I’ve decided to do it as well. I also keep note pads and Post-It notes near where I work and sit to jot down these interrupting suggestions. I can then move forward as I’ve removed the thought from looping in mind.

Maybe you have your own tricks or techniques that work for you. Feel free to share. You can comment below.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

by Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

What we focus on expands. If we want to improve our relationships, one of the first steps is to start looking for good in the person.

You’ve possibly heard of this exercise that many coaches learned from Tony Robbins, but in case you haven’t, let’s try it. Look around your space and take note of everything in the room that is blue. Go ahead and do it. Just takes 3 seconds. Okay. I’m going to close your eyes and try to remember everything in the room that’s purple….

That was probably a little challenging, because you told your mind to remember what was blue so it automatically ignores the other colors. This is how our minds work. What we train our minds to focus on will be primarily what we see. We will ignore all the other things that are present and notice what we choose is important.

In relationships, this is a hugely important point to consider. Early in a relationship, we tend to focus on the positive aspects of the other person. Whether it’s our new baby’s adorable little hands and chubby wrists, or the way our partner’s eyes simply sparkle when they smile. We feel so in love. However, over time we begin to notice what annoys us about them and the things they do that get on our nerves. We pay less attention to their cute traits and find ourselves feeling increasingly irritated. Not only do we find them irritating when they are with us, but when they are not around we think of them in negative ways. We grumble to ourselves about them each time we have to pick up their dirty socks, find dishes in their room, or step on another Lego.

Since our minds become conditioned based on what we choose to focus on, the more we think of them with anger, frustration, disgust, and disappointment, the more of this we’ll see. It’s not that they aren’t doing anything kind, fun, positive, or beautiful. It’s just that we have conditioned our minds (typically by experiencing extreme emotions while noticing their annoying behaviors) to find evidence of them being frustrating, disgusting, and disappointing.

The beautiful thing about our wonderful minds, though, is that the same way we conditioned ourselves “against” them can be used to condition our minds toward them. We can choose… intentionally… to see their good traits and behaviors. We can make a conscious decision to notice when they are doing something good. We can decide to look for reasons, even very tiny ones, that help us remember why we love them.

As we do this, we come to realize that our view of them will shift. It doesn’t mean that the things they do that suck are going to no longer bother us. But it does mean that we get to see them as more than just that. We get to see the things we appreciate about them. We get to see the ways they enhance our lives. We get to feel better in their presence. And as we do this, we begin to improve our relationships (unless they totally suck and don’t have ANY good qualities Just throwing in that disclaimer, but more often than not this is not the case. )

As parents, our children can do a lot of things that get us upset. However, when we begin to only notice those things, we begin to treat them differently. Their negative behavior may have started the pattern, but as we feed into that negativity with yelling and nagging and always looking angry whenever we interact with them, we continue the cycle. As we continue to meet them with sighs, frowns, and side eyes, they continue to give us reasons to do so. Before we know it, our relationship doesn’t feel like a relationship at all.

We can turn this around by choosing every day to find one thing about our child to be grateful for, or one thing they did that made us smile, or to intentionally pay them a sincere compliment. As we shift what we are looking for, we will become aware of more reasons to smile.

The same applies for other relationships. Sometimes the one good thing we can find in another person is the lessons we learn from them. Your boss may be a turd who’s rude to everybody. Maybe you choose to focus on how you are learning from them how to be a great supervisor by noticing how their behavior impacts you and your co-workers. You can choose to use them as a crash course in how not to do it, or to form a list of what you want in your next soon coming position. You can even use them as fuel to see how capable you are as a future supervisor. The goal is to shift your focus in order to feel better in your environment.

We get to shift our experiences of the relationships around us, simply by shifting what we choose to focus on. We can train our brains to find reasons to smile. The more we search for these positive reasons the more of them we’ll find. Today, I am choosing to start looking for more reasons to smile. How about you?

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Co-Founder of SISTAMoms with Yvonne Monique Livingston LLC

Designer/Author/Speaker I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!

Owner/Designer/Publisher MDillon Designs & Publishing

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